Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Star Wars Doesn't Owe You Anything

by Beth

Okay trolls, I've had enough. When you claimed that your boycott tanked Solo I rolled my eyes and let it pass. Then you chased Kelly Marie Tran off social media with rape and death threats. I was disgusted, but stayed out of it because baiting trolls is the fastest way to insanity. Then over the weekend I found out a few more ridiculous facts, and I just can't keep silent anymore. Rey's parentage needs to be retconned to make her the child of someone important? And some group of morons is actually trying to raise money to remake The Last Jedi? I'm done with the haters, the incel babies (if you don't know what incel is then google it. I didn't know giant douches had an official term until Friday night), and most of all the stupid trolls. So instead of the amusing piece I was going to write about how I should have asked Mr. Tibbs a few more questions about his movie preferences before we got married (how did I marry someone who hates Indiana Jones?) I'm going to yell at assholes.

You can't even try and tell me this shit wasn't beautiful.
This rage came to a head Friday night when we went to visit our old friend Chad J. Shonk and family. We talked for many many hours so of course the conversation inevitably led to Star Wars for a while. Mr. Tibbs and Mrs. Shonk made fun of us for it, but we're huge Star Wars nerds (him even more so than me) so we weren't going to let a few jokes stop us. We talked about the Solo thing, the Kelly Marie Tran situation, and then he told me about the 2 latest developments. I stewed on it, and the more I thought about all of this the angrier I got. So let's break down this nonsense piece by piece.

Oh hey, Chewbacca. Who's your friend?
First: nothing you trolls did caused Solo to under-perform. Bringing in a new director, and having to do a ton of re-shoots caused the budget to skyrocket. The movie was going to have an uphill battle even before it was released. The biggest problem was really the marketing. You make a movie about one of the most beloved and iconic characters in the Star Wars franchise, and you barely show anything of him in the trailers? I didn't get a feel for him as a character or even what the movie was really about. That is what kept the audiences away. As we discussed the other night: if only nerds go to see Star Wars (or Marvel) movies then they won't make enough money to be around for long. The few angry jerks who boycotted because they hated The Last Jedi did not keep it from being successful. Families and normal people (non nerds) didn't go, and those that did only saw it once. It takes multiple viewings for movies to get box office numbers in the billions (like The Last Jedi did). You can complain about it all you want, but Last Jedi made 1.3 billion dollars worldwide. I'm pretty sure that makes it a successful movie despite the pissy and very vocal minority. Did it have problems? Sure, but so did The Force Awakens, and every one of the prequels, and even some stuff in the original trilogy. Whether it's perfect or not you should just get over yourself.

Those aren't white people. WTF is happening?!?
Second: an even smaller, but even more vocal minority decided that the inclusion of an Asian character played by Kelly Marie Tran was so bad that they hounded her with threats of rape and murder. So much so that she ended up leaving social media all together rather than put up with such horrific garbage. Do you feel like a big man now? You made a woman who did nothing more than accept a part in a movie so uncomfortable that she can't have an instagram account. I felt like the Finn/Rose story-line was a little tacked on, but she was good enough to sell me on it. Giving women a larger role in the Star Wars movies doesn't do anything to hurt you. Laura Dern can't be a Vice Admiral? The “male” Admiral is a talking fucking fish (RIP Ackbar)! How can these half-wits forget that for many many years we had one woman and one black guy in the entire damn galaxy to look up to? Are a few women and different ethnicities really so threatening to your male whiteness? You know I'm pissed when I say some shit like that since I'm not even a feminist. It's not pandering to include people of all types, and it's far better to cast an Asian woman than to have the awful Japanese stereotypes of the Trade Federation from the prequels ever happen again. I can't imagine that any of the men who hang around this site would do anything like that, but if you participated in the harassment of Kelly Marie Tran then you should be ashamed of yourself. Who you should really be mad at is your parents because they clearly failed you at some pivotal point in your life. Oh, and your looks aren't what's keeping you from getting laid you incel idiot. Personality matters more to almost every woman I know so stop looking on the outside, and take a long look at how ugly you are on the inside.

Wait, you aren't related to me? Training over.
Next: why can't Rey be no one from nowhere? There is no point in going back and having her be a long lost Kenobi other than your need for things to fit in a neat little box of boring. Do you remember the hundreds of Jedi who died thanks to Order 66 in Revenge of the Sith? I'm pretty sure that 99.999% of them were no one from nowhere. Here's how things used to work in the Jedi Order: they would find force sensitive life forms from around the galaxy and bring them to Coruscant to train to become Jedi. Anyone anywhere could display force sensitivity, and the Jedi were around a long ass time before anyone knew what the fuck a Skywalker was. Did Mace Windu, Qui-Gon Jinn, Ki-Adi-Mundi, Yoda, Plo Koon, Kit Fisto (best name ever), and the countless other Jedi come from some epic background that we just don't know about? Oh hey, did you notice that all of those names are males? Don't tell me you're underrepresented in Star Wars you asshat. I'm pretty sure that Finn himself is at least force sensitive. With the destruction of the Jedi Order there was no one left to find all of these individuals much less to train them. Especially since the last 2 guys who could help them were dicking around on backwater planets doing nothing for no one. It makes total sense that there are thousands of sentient beings spread across the galaxy who will never get a chance to discover their powers simply because they weren't in the right place at the right time like Rey was. Let her stand as a super powerful nobody, and find something else to bitch about.

Leia is a general, but Holdo can't be a Vice Admiral? That seems fair.
And last: there is a group called Remake The Last Jedi that has almost $400 million in “pledges” for these psychos to try and get the movie remade to whatever their insane standards are. I shit you not, this is a real thing. Check out remakethelastjedi.com if you don't believe me. If you don't want to give that stupid shit hits I'll sum up their mission statement for you. Since the heroes are no longer relate-able they want to give Disney the money to “course correct” because the “core goal of Star Wars has been abandoned”, and only half the fans enjoy the movies anymore. I'm pretty sure that the 1.3 billion dollar earnings prove that last part of your statement wrong. It also proves that Disney is absolutely not going to go in for your bullshit. I personally don't think the characters are any more or less relate-able now than they have been in the past. And how do you know what the core goal of Star Wars is anyway? I don't know for sure since I've never worked for Lucas Film or Disney, but I'm betting it's always been about making fun movies for kids to eat popcorn to, and getting the parents to buy some toys while they're at it. We are the weirdos here my friends. We're the adults who are holding on to the treasured movies of our formative years. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I'm in the same boat, but if we survived the prequels then we can survive anything. We also made it through Greedo shooting first, the hot mess made of the Max Rebo Band, and the deletion of the Yub Nub song. We're gonna be okay (even if I'm still a little pissed about all of those things). There is nothing so wrong with The Last Jedi that it needs to be remade. If it'll make you happy then you can use whatever editing program you have at home to cut out the scenes you hate (if you can fix Super Leia flying through space please send it to me), and make everybody look like a bland white dude for your home viewing pleasure.

You wanna retcon something? Go back and make Phasma as cool as she should have been. 
I've been a Star Wars fan as long as I can remember. I may not have as much knowledge as Dave, Ryan Schweck, or Chad J. Shonk. I still know a lot though, and have been with the series through the good times as well as the bad. All of this stick with it-ness has not earned me the right to raise hell about any issues I might have with anything in the movies, books, or TV shows (the only comics I'm reading are the ones I can download with my kindle unlimited subscription. I'm not rich enough to buy weekly comics of that many different books). The point is that as long as I have been in to Star Wars I've never felt entitled to go nuts about any of the problems I've ever had. I've given them a lot of money, but in return they have given me years of entertainment. If the Star Wars franchise is really moving in a direction that you don't like then just stop (Luke's seemingly important ancient Jedi texts being all burned up, is the signal that we're moving on). You'll still have the original trilogy (and the prequels if you're in to that sort of thing) to keep you happy forever. Don't try to ruin it for everyone else, and don't be a dick. You are not an important special snowflake whose opinion matters more than anyone else in the world. You have zero right to change something just because you love the way it used to be. Times change, things change, and you either get on board or you go somewhere else. Please, by all means go elsewhere. The world of Star Wars fandom is becoming an unpleasant place to be thanks to you bitches. Us (relatively) normal, and (relatively) well-adjusted Star Wars fans don't need you hanging around and making us look bad. Unless you're a big-eared mouse you don't own Star Wars, and it certainly does not owe you a fucking thing.

This was a great lightsaber battle, and nothing you can say will change that
Sorry for the rant, but I had to get that out before I could move on with my normally easy-going life. I'll be back in a few weeks with something much more mild and fun. I really need to understand how a man in his 40's doesn't like Predator. To paraphrase Say Anything how does that “happen”?

Beth got her start writing for a site called Movie Criticism for the Retarded (which has been reborn as dorkdroppings.com. Check it out sometime), but was pulled out of an early retirement to write for Needless Things. When she isn't writing she plays video games and watches bad horror movies while eagerly awaiting the zombie apocalypse. She may try to save her husband and/or their cats, but luckily hasn't had to make those tough decisions yet. Follow beth0rama on Instagram or on Twitter @NeedlessBeth where she doesn't post often enough to be annoying, but updates way more than Google+


  1. I haven't seen any since Force Awakens. Not boycotting. Not burned or hurt. Not blaming the mouse. Just not interested after that movie in seeing the rest. None of the complaints from others you listed have merit, in my opinion.
    I will argue that to me it feels like today they are making movies based strictly on how much money can they make, making just telling a good story less of a priority. It feels to me that modern movies are written specifically to trigger your wallet not as something a writer really cares about and believes in.
    A New Hope was made by guys that wanted to make a movie that they would wanted to go see. With the cost of making movies as high as it is, that ain't gonna happen no mo'. Wait, didn't Lucus fund Phantom Menace out of his own pocket? My argument is invalid.
    Thanks for the rant though. I may have to see Last Jedi and Solo now just to spurn the haters.

    1. Don't force yourself to see something you don't think you'll like just to hit the haters. What if you end up agreeing with them? I wouldn't want to be the cause of swelling their ranks

  2. Remake the Last Jedi is a joke. I don't mean the people behind it are delusional, I mean it's literally a joke. They're just trying to make headlines and piss people off while they're laughing at the reactions they're getting.
    They're not really trying to raise money, that's why you can "pledge" whatever you want with nothing more than a fake email address.
    I wouldn't be surprised if KMT received heavy trolling, but so far I've only speculative articles and tweets. Even John Boyega said he didn't know why she deleted her posts.

  3. I am absolutely not questioning your facts, but I've read several things from John Boyega denouncing the assholes who were giving her shit. Please send me links (for the remake the last jedi thing being a joke too) because I would like to believe it wasn't as bad as it was reported. I checked a lot of sources before writing this, but in this case, would be happy to be proven wrong

  4. If you follow Remake the Last Jedi's twitter you can tell they're just trolls. They use shirtless Kylo's expanding torso and high wasted pants as indicators of how much money has been pledged.
    They have an announcement about TLJ streaming on Netflix saying "see it while it's still canon!"
    They ran a poll asking which past character should be included in the new TLJ script, with the two options being "Jar Jar Binks" or "Jar Jar Binks." Then they had an exciting announcement about the fans choosing Jar Jar as the character they most want to see revisited.
    They retweeted Rian Johnson's approval of the remake as if he was being serious.
    They had some exchanges with Seth Rogen and Chuck Wendig, which I just tried to grab, but it looks like Rogen and Wendig have deleted their tweets (probably because they realized they were being messed with).
    Everything they do is meant to annoy TLJ fans/creators.