Like, really a
lot. Think about Disney getting the rights back to 52 billion
mutants (and they can finally call them mutants now too!) as well as
all the other various heroes and villains that they weren't allowed
to touch. That Gambit movie no one besides Channing Tatum wants
to see? It's definitely gonna happen now. So before the entire MCU
gets turned on its head I thought I'd finally rank the current 19 MCU
movies. I'm going from worst to best in my own opinion. You can yell at me about Cap and Hawkeye
all you want, but I'm not changing my mind about either one.
Especially Hawkeye.
- The Incredible Hulk
That this comes dead last will
probably surprise no one, but besides being a decent science wimp
Edward Norton was not a good Hulk. It probably only received the few
favorable reviews it got because people were so happy to see Eric
Bana and Ang Lee had nothing to do with this one.
- Iron Man 2
I don't need
to explain why it was bad. The only reason you'd ever even need to
see it again would be if you were going for a continuity marathon. I
mean sure it introduced Black Widow, and brought in Don Cheadle (who is way better than Terrence
Howard as War Machine). Other than that I can't think of much that it
got right. It was even more disappointing as a sequel than Guardians
2 simply because this was our first real taste of what happens when
things go wrong in the MCU.
- Thor: The Dark World
It wasn't
terrible, but it wasn't good. Loki's sudden but inevitable betrayal
never seems to get old, and the Dark
Elves are a nice extra touch of Norse mythology. It just seemed like
the director of this one wanted to give it the gravity of the first Thor, but didn't have the story to pull it off. Plus you can tell that
Natalie Portman really doesn't want to be there. Like Revenge of the
Sith wants out. At least Thor doesn't kill any younglings.
- Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Captain America bores me
in the same way that Superman does. I don't like Boy Scouts. So in
this one he's conflicted because he finds out his bestest buddy is
alive, and now a bad guy. Oh, the inner turmoil. But not really
because he's still Cap, and at least for now, is more worried about
doing what's right than anything else. Winter Soldier or not, Bucky
is not a bad enough bad guy to be the only real villain in any movie.
Some of the older Spider-Man movies spit out too many baddies. Cap 2
didn't give us enough.
- Iron Man 3
It probably
wouldn't have been as well received as it was if Iron Man 2 hadn't
been so terrible. Tony Stark is not the same lovable douchebag from
Iron Man 1 and 2. Now he's a lovable douchebag with PTSD who tells a
young boy not to be a pussy. That's called character development my
friends. I, for one, did like the twist on The Mandarin because it
was unexpected and hilarious.
- Spider-Man: Homecoming
I wanted to
like this movie more than I actually did. I do appreciate that we
didn't get an origin story about a character on his 3rd
movie reboot, but a little “here's how we got from point A to point
B” might have been nice. Did Tony Stark sneak into his school and
build him a high-tech magic changing room? To be totally honest I
only ranked this one as high up as I did because Michael Keaton was
so fucking fantastic as Vulture. It's funny how 10 year-old me didn't
notice, but 44 year old me can't stop giggling about a
character called Shocker.
- Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
I know we did
a podcast about this when it came out, but that doesn't mean I can't
throw in a few more lines about it now. Did you love Drax, Groot, and
the soundtrack of the first movie? Be very careful what you ask for
since that's about all you'll get from Vol. 2. It's still funny, and
tries hard to have a heart, but it just can't compete with the first
one. It suffers from sequel-itis as much as, if not more than, any
other second installment on this list. The only thing that saved it
was that the first one was so damn good. Even an okay Guardians movie
is better than most original movies coming out now.
- Thor: Ragnarok
I've already
written a review so I'll keep this short. If this were a Guardians
movie it'd be great. You've taken away Planet Hulk, and left me with
nothing but jokes and an increasingly silly bunch of side characters.
Not a fair trade.
- Captain America: The First Avenger
By now I think
I've established how I feel about Cap. I do like Peggy Carter, but
it's sad to see Hugo Weaving wasted as a bland and not very
threatening Red Skull. Cap is a plucky kid who won't give up even
when he knows full well that his presence on any battlefield will get
people killed. Fuck those guys, acting as a human target for Nazis is
more important than preserving the lives of American soldiers.
- Avengers: Age of Ultron
The Avengers
are a lot more than a god, a guy in a fancy suit, an old man, and the
Green Giant on steroids. Now we get Vision, the Scarlet Witch,
Quicksilver, and the horrific destruction that leads to the group
dissolving. Is it too big and too messy in parts? Yeah, probably.
It's also big and messy in a pretty good way sometimes. Joss Whedon
knew that this would be his last Marvel movie so he pulled out all
the stops. There are jokes, epic battles, attractive women in danger,
a moving speech by a useless guy, and the death of a blonde. He just
hates them for some reason. Is James Spader frequently a little over
the top as Ultron? Sure. Could anyone else have done that part? Nope.
- Captain America: Civil War
This isn't
ranked as high as it is because of Cap. It's ranked highly because
it's what needed to happen in the larger story arc, and it did it
well. I've read the Civil War comics, and played a video game that
followed the same plot-line. There are a lot of differences (no Mr.
Fantastic or mutants or many other heroes), but it's the same basic
outline. Except for that shit where Cap has to choose between Bucky
and Tony like he's Molly Ringwald picking a prom date in Pretty in
Pink. When I first started reading comics as a kid I wondered who
cleaned up all the mess, and why normal people put up with their
cities getting destroyed. The Civil War comics gave me those answers,
and I had been waiting for the MCU to explore that story for a long
time. It was totally worth the wait.
- Black Panther
I really did
like it a lot, but not nearly as much as everyone told me I was going to. I do disagree with everyone who said that Killmonger was a perfect villain though. Sorry that your uncle killed your dad, but that doesn't mean you get to kill your cousin and become king of a country you've never been to before. Here's where Iron Man needs to step in with his "don't be a pussy" talk. The Wakandans were all excellent though. T'Challa is an
interesting guy, and the supporting cast was better than a Marvel
movie has seen in a very long time. The only reason I didn't see it sooner was that I never
read any of the comics as a kid. I knew him from cross-over books,
and from video games. I'm to the point where I'm not going to
rush out and see every single movie with the Marvel name attached to
it. I don't have the time or the money for all that. Unfortunately, I
was at this point when Black Panther came out. You can blame Thor:
Ragnarok for doing this to me.
- Thor
Yes Chris
Hemsworth hadn't gotten his acting chops, his humor, or his facial
hair coloring together in this first outing. And it doesn't matter
one bit. Besides Natalie Portman and Kat Dennings the cast are all excellent. Am I the only one who misses Sif? Well after Ragnarok I guess
I'm going to miss them all, but at least the “warriors three” got
to die on screen. I think I covered why I liked the first Thor movie
so much in my review of Ragnarok as well so I won't go nuts again
here. This thing is turning out to be longer than I thought it would
already. Let's just move on to...
- Ant-Man
Another one
I've already reviewed, but it was everything I needed after the huge
world ending behemoths that the other movies had become. A story
about a man who loves his family, but gets involved in some shit
that's way over his head. It's small, it's silly, and it's one of the
best things Marvel Studios has done.
- Doctor Strange
On the
Facebook feed about rankings no one else seemed to think as
highly of Doctor Strange as I do. I can't imagine why. Benedict
Cumberbatch is the most perfect casting since Robert Downey Jr. put
on the Iron Man suit. It's weird and mind-bending in an Inception sort
of way, but it's also a well told story of an arrogant dick who needs
help and can only ask for it in the most ass way possible. Is that
why you guys didn't like it? The only dick this universe needs is
Tony Stark? I think there's plenty of room for both. And if you've
read enough comics (or seen enough superhero movies) you'll know that
those aren't the only arrogant bastards around too.
- Guardians of the Galaxy
So so funny,
and at the time so very different than everything else we'd come to
expect from comic book movies. I remember being hesitant to see it
when I first heard about it since all I knew of the Guardians was
that they had a talking tree, and a
smart-ass talking raccoon. Then I read about how hard Chris Pratt
worked to get the part of Star Lord, and how Dave Bautista cried when
he found out he got the role of Drax, and thought it might be worth
looking in to. And for the record, I would have liked Chris Pratt
even if he had remained chubby. Four years doesn't seem like that
long ago, but there wouldn't be jokes in our Marvel movies without
Guardians. Without jokes we might not have gotten Deadpool, and
without Deadpool we wouldn't have gotten Logan. It's all tied
together. Wibbley-wobbly, timey-wimey.
- Avengers: Infinity War
During my nerd
version of a “lost weekend” I saw Infinity War, and I couldn't
take my mind off Hawkeye. Where is he, when is he going to show up,
what's he doing and/or wearing right now? Yeah, you guys know me
better than that. I really did expect him and Ant-Man to show up and
help out at some point though. I get wanting to protect your family,
but the whole universe is in danger you bitches! I really wasn't
prepared for Thanos to be as sympathetic as he turned out to be, and
I can't help but wonder if he'll feel remorse and try to fix things
himself somehow. More likely Hawkeye will turn up as Ronin only to
realize that “sword guy” is as useless as “arrow guy”, and
then Ant-Man will have to go all quantum to do something that somehow
breaks the gauntlet. I'm
really just guessing here. Even though we know those deaths aren't
permanent it was still good to see some people finally go. Sorry
Bucky, you've been around since 2011 and Cap is the only one who's
sad to see you get dusted. We're all far more upset about the new Spider-Man
who've we've only seen in bits and pieces until last year. The time
stone is in play, and Doctor Strange gave it up for a reason. It'll
all work out next year. At least it had better.
- Marvel's Avengers
Remember when
they had to remind us who they belonged to? Is it Disney Presents
Marvel's Avengers or Marvel Presents Disney's Avengers now? This
Disney land-grab is getting tough to keep up with. While we were all
watching out for Google and Amazon, Disney snuck in and snatched up everything we love most. It's still a great movie, and the best
superhero team movie ever. Sorry X-Men. You were my first love, but I
can't forgive you for not having Angela Bassett as Storm, and for
Toad being there at all, and the fact that you led to X-Men: The Last
Stand. Even Hawkeye doesn't bother me in the his first outing as an
Avenger. He doesn't really do anything useful, but he plays a good
damsel in distress to his much tougher friend Black Widow. The
wordplay between Tony and Thor is good, and I never get tired of
seeing Hulk throw Loki around like a rag-doll.
- Iron Man
If you were
paying attention you knew I was coming to this. If you weren't paying
attention then, surprise! The first is still the best. Looking
back I do kind of miss the innocent Tony. I mean innocent as in he
hasn't been through epic space wars in a tin can yet kind of Tony.
He's just a rich brat who ends up going through some crazy shit, and
is betrayed by his business partner/friend. I didn't know what a
ridiculous excuse for a human being Gwyneth Paltrow was at this point
so she didn't bother me, and it was just so funny and new and
exciting at the time. I miss those days sometimes. But since Iron
Man, and presumably a lot of our other old favorites will be moving
on soon I'm glad that the oldies came out on top.
When I sat down to write this tonight I absolutely did not think I'd still be sitting here 3 hours later, but it was difficult. Seriously, I
did not plan my rankings out in any way. I sat down with a list,
slowly choosing the worst, and working my way up. I started with 2
movies I didn't like and said, “Okay. If there was a gun to my head
and I had to watch one of these or die which would it be”? I kind
of worked my way up less violently from there. Do you agree, disagree, or do you want to bug me about Hawkeye?
Sound off and let me know. I may agree to disagree, but I'll at least
hear you out. Unless you want me to think Hawkeye is going to save
the world in Avengers 4. Suspension of disbelief can only go so far.
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