By
Dave
I turned 42 last Thursday and, like all adults
everywhere, the minute it happened I was blessed with knowledge of the meaning
behind life, the universe, and everything. I will now share with you the 42
points of knowledge that represent the sum total of my life experience in the
hopes that you will be able to apply these things to your own life and live
excellently.
Unless you’ve already hit 42, in which case I’m not
telling you anything you don’t already know.
Ketchup –
Ketchup is bullshit. If the food you are eating needs ketchup in order to be
eaten you should throw it in the trash and eat something else.
Full Moon Entertainment –
You will realize that Full Moon movies are neither good enough to be good nor
bad enough to be good.
Pizza or Tacos –
Neither will ever win. You also can’t just cut them out of your life. They’re
okay in moderation; take turns. Or combine them like Taco Bell does.
Yellow Highlighters –
Yellow highlighters are also bullshit. It is not 1962. Pick a color. NOBODY CAN
SEE THE YELLOW.
Weird Stuff – Enjoy
avant-garde movies, music, books, or whatever while you’re young. As you get
older you may find that you don’t feel you have time for that bullshit.
Footwear –
You can tell a lot about a person by their footwear. Also remember that they
might have just mowed the lawn. But never give a man wearing flip flops the
benefit of the doubt unless he’s at the beach or the pool.
Remakes/Reboots/Sequels/Prequels –
Many, many things that fit these descriptions are terrible. But not everything.
Nothing can take value away from the existing works that you love unless you
let it.
Tattoos –
They hurt. Some places hurt more than others, but they all hurt. If someone
tells you they do not hurt, stop trusting them. Also, they are probably compensating
for some flaw. Speaking of which…
Large Pickup Trucks/Suburban
Assault Vehicles – Sorry about your tiny penis.
Hair –
Young people should cherish their smooth bodies and full heads of hair. And
their hairless ears. Oh, the never-ending trauma of ear hair.
Hair in Personal Regions –
Groom, but not the extreme. No adult should look like a naked mole rat in their
bikini areas.
Stop and Think –
Why are you yelling about the thing? Did you make the thing? What is your
personal stake in the thing? Will dishonor be brought upon your house if
strangers do not agree with you about the thing? Will people suffer if
consensus cannot be reached about the thing? Maybe the thing isn’t that
important.
Time –
There is nothing more valuable. Money comes and goes – you can never get more
time.
Dress for the Occasion –
Know when to look your best, then do it. Don’t be surprised if you’re ignored
or treated poorly if you look like trash.
More on Tattoos –
You chose to get them. Grow up and deal with how you’re looked at. Nobody owes
you an equal shot. Unlike other folks, you chose this appearance. But also tell
people it’s not okay to touch them.
Stand Up for Yourself –
Know what you deserve and don’t be afraid to tell people. Know your personal
worth. Don’t let others that happen to be louder take advantage of you.
Be Aware –
Know your audience and your surroundings. Is it necessary to curse in public
places? What is the benefit? Is your need for profanity worth disrupting
someone else’s nice day?
Balance –
Think about your needs versus the needs of others. Look at the personal benefits
of your actions and weigh them against the negative impact they could have on
others. How necessary is the thing you want to do?
Farting –
Farts are unacceptable in any restaurant setting.* Otherwise farts are
universally hilarious.
Reese’s – Rhymes
with “pieces”, not “feces”.
The Men’s Room –
The men’s restroom is not a place for conversation. It is a place for quiet
introspection and peeing and pooping.
Belts –
Belts will keep your pants up.
Socks –
Men’s socks should cover the ankle. Any sock that does not should have a fluffy
pom-pom attached at the heel. Sock color and pattern, however, should be
determined by personal taste.
Regulation –
There should be tests to determine who can drive, vote, have children, purchase
firearms, and use the self-checkout lane. Candidates for political office
should be required to pass all of these tests. The tests would be developed by
independent agencies (me).
Sneezing –
You get two “bless yous” or “gezhundheits”. After that, get your shit together.
(I stole this from a meme)
Memes –
It is okay to quote them as long as you state that you are doing so. No more
than two per day.
Pop Culture Anniversaries –
Celebrate increments of five. Anything else is obnoxious.
Interknowledge – Sharing
personal stories is more entertaining than quoting Wikipedia. When you recite
things you’ve read on the internet, people can tell.
Beloved Franchises –
Know when to let them move on and be happy with however much of it you were
able to enjoy. Things change, fandom is toxic. There’s no shortage of things to
love.
Art –
Stealing art is evil.
Outrage –
Your voice is not calibrated to anyone else’s life experience. You could be
doing more harm than good.
Sharing –
Don’t be covetous of your knowledge and relationships. The thing that makes you
special is you, not who or what you
know. Also…
Ideas –
They can bite your ideas all day long, but they’ll never have your talent.
Independent Toys –
So cool. So expensive. Instagram pictures are good enough.
Toys R Us – I
will always be a Toys R Us kid.
Dreams –
No matter how low you get, no matter how bad your day is, no matter how much
frustration and failure is on your plate – your dreams are never stupid.
Chances are the person telling you they are is you. Tell you to shut up.
Walmart –
Walmart is the devil. But sometimes you need a new shirt at 4 AM.
Guilty Pleasures –
No such thing.
Paddington - Be
like Paddington. Not the marmalade part, the kind part. What Would Paddington
Do?
Conviction – Believe
in yourself enough that you don’t have to tear things down to make a point. If
someone or something else has to look foolish for you to be right, maybe your
position is weak.
I Am Groot –
We are Groot.
42 –
Cat people or dog people. Elvis or the Beatles. Red Vines or Twizzlers. Coke or
Pepsi. Portrait or landscape. You don’t have to like everyone else’s dumb
preferences, but you also don’t have to let them know. Because they’re probably
tolerating some dumb shit you do, too.**
*Except for Waffle House
**This rule does not apply to ketchup, Full Moon movies, highlighters, flip flops, big trucks, smooth groins, people that say "REESEES", restroom talkers, bare man ankles, or anyone that likes Walmart or Pepsi or shooting video in portrait mode
You can follow Dave as Phantom Troublemaker
on Facebook, Twitter,
and Instagram for
all the latest on pop culture!
No comments:
Post a Comment