by Beth
Am I just a glutton for punishment?
Kinda, but here's the deal. Mr. Tibbs and I lived in the dark ages
of TV until last month. We didn't have a DVR. We're crazy, but we
just don't watch enough TV to have ever made it important to us. Then
we talked to the cable company to get a better deal. Not only did we
get a better deal, but we got a free DVR. Shortly after this I heard
that the kid who plays Coral on The Walking Dead had been bitten in
the mid-season finale, and would die when the show came back. I
hadn't seen a single episode of season 8, but Coral dying sounded
like something to watch. Especially since I now had the power to fast
forward through commercials and speeches. That power came at a high
price though. If you care at all there are spoilers ahead. Let's be
honest though – no one really cares. Not even me, and I'm watching
it again.
As in: for fuck's sake, how long does
it take someone to turn? The mid-season opener was an hour and 20
minutes long, and Coral didn't die until the very end. Not only that,
but we didn't even get to see him finally shuffle off his mortal
coil. Granted, I didn't know what was going on or see all of the
events that led up to his heroic demise, but still. To play it safe
the night of the premier I recorded the previous episode in case that
somehow would make his death better or more understandable. It
didn't. Thank god for fast forward. Tyreese took an hour to turn, and
it was may more interesting to watch (mostly because his turning
looked like a bad acid trip, but I could get down with that. Not
having one, but watching someone else have one mind you). I think
they drug this episode out as a farewell to a character that we've
been watching for eight years. Let's keep it real though – I don't know
too many people who are still watching anymore. The people who needed
almost an hour and a half to say goodbye to Coral are probably the
same people who wear those “if Daryl dies we riot” shirts. I
remember when I last felt hopeful (or at least not cheated and angry
about this show). It was here in 2016, and it's obvious that even
then I was on my way out.
Even when I'm not fast forwarding I'm
not really paying attention now (I usually read while it's on, and I
promise you that whatever crappy fantasy novel I'm reading from Kindle
Unlimited is better than this shit). I don't know why I didn't quit
after I'd seen Coral finally die. I guess I was hoping for something
to happen, but all I got was crying, and revenge plans. Hey Rick,
remind me how well all of your revenge plans have gone in the past.
Do the producers know that they've lost the original audience, and
feel like no one will notice if they keep doing the same shit over
and over again? When Rick got done crying (again) he went nuts
(again), and seemed on a clear path to kill Negan. The main reason I
kept watching was because Negan seemed genuinely upset about Coral
dying, and Rick was the one acting insane in the membrane. It would
have been so interesting if Negan had become the good guy and Rick
made a real heel turn. And if something could be interesting it won't
happen on this show. Instead they have a flaming baseball bat
showdown in a room full of zombies from which Negan escapes. Oh, and
Negan and his crew dunked their weapons in zombie guts. I can't
remember that far back very well, but I remember the guy at the CDC
saying that everyone was infected. This explains why the recently
dead will rise, but I don't feel like I ever got a good explanation
as to why a bite kills someone. If they're already infected why would
a zombie bite kill them? Maybe I missed (or forgot) this so if you
know please tell me. It does at least make for a good battle, and
aftermath. Since the Hilltop, the Kingdom, and Alexandria have all
kind of combined there are way too many mouths to feed. And too many
characters to keep up with. Thanks for thinning the herd of living
people at least. I'd be mad about the tiger dying if the CGI hadn't gone from okay to terrible.
And it gets more ridiculous from there.
The trash people who have forgotten how to use prepositions turn out
to be led by a garbage artist and get wiped out by Negan Junior, or
Simon as he's really called. And in a move I still don't understand Rick and Michonne show
up only to abandon her to a zombie horde of her former friends.
Granted I didn't see anything leading up to this dick move, but it
still seems pretty harsh. An old lady in a pantsuit shows up and
gives Maggie “the big book of medieval technology” so that they
can make lumber, and windmills, and shit. Half the episode is
dedicated to it, while Rick is off having his bro-down with Negan. In
a world without zombies that might be a pretty handy book, but these
people are a LONG way away from a world without zombies so I guess
somebody just hang on to that for 50 years or so. Maggie's grand-kids
will have bitchin lumberyards unless she gets them all killed first.
She's as kill crazy as Rick lately, and everyone paid the price
except for her. I guess she still has an up on them because of her
husband getting his head crushed in front of her and all. Is she not
over that yet? It happened last season for fucks sake. Get over it!
At one point I thought that show was
coming back on, and discovered I'd been tricked into a commercial for
Fear the Walking Dead. It seems as though fan favorite Morgan is
going to make his way over to a new show that no one watches. I
thought both shows began in the same timeline so I don't know how
that works. They both start at the beginning of the zombie
apocalypse, and Fear is way behind in years, but I never got through
the first season so I have no idea if they sped things up or
whatever. I really don't care either way. Morgan isn't going to keep
me watching The Walking Dead nor is he going to make me want to watch
Fear the Walking Dead. As long as I have this DVR I'll speed watch
some Walking Dead. I won't ever be invested in much that happens again, but it's been losing steam for a few years now.
The end has to be coming soon. I would prefer it if they all get
killed by another group who thinks they're evil (because they kind of
are now), but as long as no one lives happily ever after I'll be
satisfied. Sort of....
Beth got her start writing for a site called Movie Criticism for the Retarded (which has been reborn as dorkdroppings.com. Check it out sometime), but was pulled out of an early retirement to write for Needless Things. When she isn't writing she plays video games and watches bad horror movies while eagerly awaiting the zombie apocalypse. She may try to save her husband and/or their cats, but luckily hasn't had to make those tough decisions yet. Follow beth0rama on Instagram or on Twitter @NeedlessBeth where she doesn't post often enough to be annoying, but updates way more than Google+
No comments:
Post a Comment