By
Dave
In 1995 I had a dream.
This was not a noble dream that would change the course
of human history, nor was it an ideal of hope and peace for the future.
It was a literal dream and not only was it stupid, it is
one of many indicators that my toy obsession is probably even unhealthier than
I think it is. I mean, who has dreams about upcoming toy lines?
I can’t remember exactly when this dream occurred, I just know that it was early enough in the year that we had not yet seen Kenner’s new Star Wars or (more important to this post) Batman Forever toy lines. My dream involved walking into KB Toys (or possibly Circus World or even Lionel Playworld if they were still around) and finding a massive display of both lines.
I didn’t picture the beefy, action-posed figures that
both lines offered. What I saw was more along the lines of the aesthetics of
the original Kenner Star Wars line with the articulation of 80s GI Joe. The
packaging that my mind came up with was bizarre for the time – small blister
cards barely taller than the figures and just over twice as wide. For both
lines they were rectangular in shape, but with wildly different graphics.
This was one of those dreams that was so real I woke up
wanting to go to the store to find the toys, so vivid that even decades later I
recall the imagery.
Once the toy lines did hit I went all-in on Star Wars
despite the questionable aesthetics, but I passed on anything Batman Forever thanks to the whole line
basically looking pretty lame. Not to mention Val Kilmer immediately being my
least favorite Batman of all time.
I’ve had a complicated relationship with Joel
Schumacher’s Batman movies over the years. Batman
Forever and Batman
& Robin have both been on my shitlist, but I’ve also been able
to find redeeming qualities in them over the years. Far more in the latter than
the former. But regardless of my feelings about the quality of those movies, I do love the looks of them. Everything about Schumacher’s chosen aesthetics
scream out for toys. And far better toys than what we got back in the day.
Fortunately for us, Mattel is doing something a little
wacky and offering a line of twelfth(ish) scale action figures based on the DC
media properties of yesteryear. The first wave includes Val Kilmer as Batman,
John Wesley Shipp as Flash, and Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman (though she will
apparently ship later because Mattel):
I’ll be honest – Wonder Woman is the only one of those
three I really want.
Early reports suggest that these figures will be either
$24.99 or $30, which is either ridiculous or outrageous, despite these being
slight upgrades over standard DC Multiverse figures in that they all have
double-jointed knees and elbows and include multiple hands. Slight upgrades. Or not really, even, if
you consider that they don’t include build-a-figure pieces or accessories other
than multiple hands.
On top of those silly possible price points, it looks
like Mattel has made another boneheaded scale decision, along the lines of its
Movie Masters; except they’ve gone in the other direction – these figures are slightly larger than the existing
Multiverse line.
Now, I haven’t seen them in person yet so I don’t know
for sure, but if this is the case WHAT THE F**KING ASS MATTEL?!?
However.
Having said all of that, for the first time in a long
time I am seriously considering supporting a toy line just because of the
future potential of said line. DC has decades of media that has gone
unrepresented in collector lines and there are some characters that I need on my shelf in forms more advanced
that 5 POA lumps. Like MISTAH FREEZE.
If you’ve made it through this long-winded intro, you
must be curious about who these figures are that I would want badly enough to
buy a figure of the worst Batman ever.
I’m going to hook you up. As a matter of fact, I’m not just doing some Top Ten
list, I’m throwing out FIVE WAVES of figures, complete with build-a-figures and
everything.
I know a ton of these choices are unrealistic for various
reasons, chief of which are probably likeness issues. But I still think it’s
fun to take a look at the history of DC on TV and in cinema to see which
character designs pop enough to warrant being immortalized in a
collector-oriented line.
This is only the old stuff, not current shows or movies.
I considered doing themed waves – all Batman
Forever, for example – but decided to challenge myself and do the
mix-and-match stuff that Mattel does to lengthen a line’s lifespan.
Side Note: I had to stop myself at five
waves before I descended into weird shit like Nuclear Man and Michael J. Pollard
as Mr. Mxyzptlk. Although I would absolutely buy those.
Wave
2
Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze
(Build-A-Figure) – You want it and don’t tell me you don’t!
This was a fantastic design aside
from the lack of a helmet, and even then I still love all of the lights and
translucent bullshit on his suit.
Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy –
The only question here is which Ivy? Uma has several costumes in Batman & Robin and they’re all
over-the-top great. Personally I’d go with the above design because it has a
cape and we just don’t see enough of Poison Ivy wearing a cape!
Michael Keaton as Batman (Batman Returns) –
We’ve had some Keaton figures thanks to NECA and Mattel’s smaller-scale
offerings, but we need a good 6” scale figure of Keaton in the superior Returns costume. Ideally he’d have an
alternate unmasked head and a huge, comical bomb with which to murder clowns.
Keanu Reeves as John Constantine –
HEAR ME OUT. Yes, Constantine sucked
as a Hellblazer movie. Reeves is a
terrible John Constantine. But don’t we all like
Keanu Reeves? And wouldn’t it be cool and silly to have this Constantine on your shelf holding the Holy Shotgun? I think
so.
George Reeves as Superman – I
wanted to reach further back and show just how long DC media adaptations have
been around. I don’t think you start with a Lewis Wilson Batman, but I think
most people – certainly people buying these toys – know George Reeves.
You could even do a black & white chase version if you really wanted to.
1990 TV Series Swamp Thing –
If it were up to me we wouldn’t even bother with the crappy-looking movie Swamp
Things. The TV version is where it’s at. I have a soft spot for this show,
especially since it’s on Heroes & Icons – the best
TV station ever – every Saturday now. Don’t think I won’t work Mark Lindsay
Chapman as Anton Arcane into this line at some point. Maybe as a mail-in
exclusive or something.
Wave
3
Margot Kidder as Lois Lane (Build-A-Figure) –
Absolutely essential, but likely a tough sell as a single-carded figure on the
pegs.
Jack Nicholson as The Joker –
An all-time holy grail figure. So far the only good 1989 Joker we have is the
one from Hot Toys, which my dumb ass had preordered, but then decided to cancel
because I just couldn’t spend that much on a figure (two figures – I had the
’89 Batman preordered as well). I’ve been wanting a great action figure of this
Joker since 1989. I love this Joker
design. And Nicholson owned that
movie.
Tracey Walter as Bob the Goon –
Okay, I recognize that this is one of the least likely figures on the list as
far as Mattel saying, “Yeah, we believe we could sell enough units”. But you
guys, Bob is essential. He’s a huge
part of action figure history. Even non-collectors remember Toy Biz’s “Bob the
Goon” languishing on pegs for years. Heck, there are probably some still out
there!
Here’s how you counteract the negative stigma attached to
Jack Napier’s Number One Guy: include multiple goon heads! I want Joker’s whole
gang! Ninja Guy, Sunglasses Guy, Rat Face Guy, Guy with Handlebar Mustache and
Large Radio! I want them all! Fans would buy entire cases of just Bob
the Goon!
Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor –
With removable hairpiece.
Christopher Reeve as Superman –
Yeah, we’ve got NECA’s, but it’s their 7” scale. These might be too big, but at
least they’re not way too big. Besides, we need a smiling Superman.
Helen Slater as Supergirl –
It’s been a long, long time since I’ve seen this movie. I saw it with my mom in
the theater in 1984, so it’ll always be somewhat special to me. I have no idea
if it’s any good (probably not), but Slater looks great and is in an excellent
Supergirl costume. I can’t imagine not wanting a figure of this version of the
character.
Wave
4
Wonder Woman’s Motorcycle (Build-A-Figure) –
This is the only item on the list I’m
unsure about. I definitely want Lynda Carter in the motorcycle suit, but if
we’re getting that, I want a motorcycle. It can either be in a separate box set
or it can be a build-a-figure. But for my completely fictional exercise I felt
that Wonder Woman was too strong an anchor for a wave to do as a one-off
exclusive somewhere, which is what the box set would likely be.
Here’s the problem – you might not remember this, but
Wonder Woman’s motorcycle was just some dumb dirt bike. It wasn’t a cool
superhero-themed thing like Batgirl’s. This is where making the decisions gets
tough, because as a theoretical toy line director I don’t know if you anger the
fans more by releasing a boring green motorcycle or by gussying it up in a way
that defies canon. I think I’d probably lean toward the same basic design, but
with Wonder Woman-centric colors.
Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman (Motorcycle Suit) –
Obviously the standard Wonder Woman costume that’s part of the first wave is
the best look to release, but when I was a kid I preferred the blue motorcycle
suit for reasons I won’t get into other than to say to this day I like tight,
shiny things.
Jim Carrey as Riddler –
However people may feel about Batman
Forever, there’s no doubt in my mind most collectors would want this one.
Aside from the stupid hair he looked so good and gave such a memorable
performance that I think everyone sort of begrudgingly loves this – admittedly
off-spec – version of Edward Nygma.
This would be the standard green leotard version. The
suit and white sparkly Ultimate God Riddler would come later.
Tommy Lee Jones as Harvey Two-Face –
Not as popular as Carrey’s Riddler, but still a fantastic character design. The
package would say “Harvey Two-Face” because that’s what the dumb idiot movie
called him.
George Clooney as Batman – I
love Clooney’s Batman, even if he
doesn’t. He’s Adam Westing the heck out of the role and I adore him for it.
While I’d love to get to other versions of the Batsuits from Batman & Robin, this would be the
basic one from the beginning. With removable tactical ice skates, of course.
Chris O’Donnell as Robin – I
genuinely like O’Donnell as Robin, despite the fact he’s too old. I think he
did a great job with making Dick troubled yet likeable and he plays well with
Kilmer and Clooney. Heck, he’s
probably the high spot of Forever.
This would be his costume from the end of that movie.
Wave
5
Michael Gough as Alfred Pennyworth
(Build-A-Figure) – Another must-have that would be a tough
sell as a single figure. He’s the R2-D2 and C-3P0 of the first four Batman
movies. He deserves better, but at least we can immortalize the mighty Mr.
Gough at last. He’d come with a serving tray and a bowl of Vichyssoise (it’s supposed to be cold).
Jackson Bostwick as Captain Marvel –
We’d need a fan poll for this one because I honestly don’t know if people
prefer this guy or his successor, John Davey. I remember watching this when I
was a kid, but I sure don’t recall anything other than the costume and some bad
flying effects.
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Don't tell anyone, but this image was doctored. |
Dina Meyer as Batgirl –
Birds of Prey was a short-lived show and Meyer's time in the Batsuit was even shorter, but this remains such an iconic costume design that basically the same suit was used for Arkham Knight. I think it's an excellent translation of Barbara's comic book look.
Danny DeVito as The Penguin –
Even though he’s not as visually exciting or as reminiscent of the character
Penguin as we know him, I want disgusting sewer-dweller Oswald. We can get
Mayoral Candidate Cobblepot in a future wave, likely alongside Catwoman.
Christopher Walken as Max Schreck –
You might be wondering how I could choose Max Schreck ahead of Catwoman. It’s
because there are hundreds of
Catwoman figures and zero Max Schreck
figures and I think that’s a crime against toymanity. Walken as Schreck is one
of the most fun, memorable villains in comic book movie history.
“Bruce Wayne – why are you dressed up like Batman?”
Mark Hamill as The Trickster –
And finally, rounding out my initial waves of this line that will likely never be,
a nemesis for John Wesley Shipp’s Flash! Mark Hamill deserves to have as many
action figures made of him as possible and obviously we need more villains in
this line!
Exclusives/Box
Sets
Two-Face with Sugar and Spice – Personal
preference. I had monster crushes on Debi Mazar and Drew Barrymore, and their
team-up as Dent’s molls in Batman Forever
was almost too much for me to handle. This set will never happen, but I’d
preorder ten if it did.
Oh... uh, either this one or the single pack would be a costume variation. Maybe the single carded one could be the ringmaster getup.
General Zod, Ursa, and Non – Essential,
but Ursa and Non are for-sure peg warmers. Heck, the 3.75” General Zod was
clogging pegs by the dozens and he’s one of the best-known comic movie villains
of all time! I think these Phantom Zone escapees have to be packed together,
and this set accompanies Wave 4.
Ultimate Batman & Robin 3-Pack –
Clooney, O’Donnell, and Silverstone in their final costumes from the movie.
Riddler Throne Room Box Set –
This is where we get the sparkly white leotard, along with the throne, his
cane, and The Box.
Shazam!/Isis Hour Box Set – A-HA!
This is where the John Davey version of Captain Marvel fits in. This would
include him and Joanna Cameron as the Egyptian superhero Isis.
*****
That’s enough!
I went on far longer than I intended to with this thing,
but once I started looking things up I got all excited.
In reality there’s no way Mattel will pursue likeness
rights for most of these, let alone actually obtain them. And even if by some
crazy chance they do, I can’t imagine retail is going to support a line of
twenty-five to thirty dollar action figures that aren’t in scale with anything.
But it’s fun to dream and even if none of these come to
fruition with this line, maybe someday DC Collectibles or Funko or some company
that doesn’t even exist yet will make it happen.
For more on toys, catch Needless Things LIVE at Days of the Dead Atlanta February
2-4!
You can follow
Dave as Phantom Troublemaker on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram for all the latest on pop culture!
I pretty much hate the Schumacher films with every fiber of my being but that Two-Face with Sugar and Spice set would absolutely be mine. To be honest, while I dislike those movies I still do have quite a bit of nostalgia for them so I'd probably buy all of them anyways. Now, how about a Shaq as Steel figure? yeah? Yeah?
ReplyDeleteHa! Steel is on the list that didn't quite make these waves along with quite a few others. I might get to them in a future post.
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