By
Dave
WARNING: THIS MIGHT CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI
I still don’t know how I feel about The Last Jedi. At first I didn’t like it. The more I thought about
it, the less I liked it. This upset me terribly because the last thing I ever
want is to not like a Star Wars
production. I certainly don’t want to hate one, and I seemed to be inching
closer to that by the hour.
Then I started talking privately – because to speak ill
of this movie in public is to invite unrelenting derision – to my friends about
it. In conversations with maybe a dozen people I discovered that there was a
fairly even divide between those that liked Rian Johnson’s version of Star Wars and those that didn’t.
Whatever your feelings about the newest Star Wars film may be, I think we can
still talk about toys. Because there are some out, but after seeing that movie
I have a massive list of must-have
items. Sadly, I don’t see much of my list being fulfilled because Solo: A Star Wars Story is a mere six
months away, which means the marketing cycle for that movie will begin sometime in February (if Hasbro sticks to recent
trends). To me that’s tragic because a whole year passed between The Force Awakens and Rogue One; and then another between Rogue One and The Last Jedi, and in my opinion the collections from those last movies
are still sorely lacking. Imagine how truncated Episode VIII’s toy line is going to be with such a narrow window.
What follows are eight The Last Jedi toys that I want to add to my collection. Normally I’d
want everything in a 3.75” scale, but I don’t even know what I collect anymore.
Assortments across lines have been so shoddy that I kind of have to take
whatever I can get, be it 3.75” basic, 6” Black Series, or those stupid metal
figures from the Disney Store.
More
Porgs – I own roughly thirty Ewok action figures. I want at least as many Porgs, so Hasbro and
Funko and JAKKS Pacific and everyone else that has the Star Wars license needs
to get on this. I want screaming Porgs, flapping Porgs, angry Porgs. I want a
roasted Porg that other Porgs can look at in horror. I want Porgmania and I
want it yesterday.
I bought into these little critters as soon as I saw
them, and to my relief they were one of the things the movie got unquestionably
right. I want more.
Vice
Admiral Amilyn Holdo – Laura Dern was at her very best in
this movie and played a role that had to be inspiring, but also enigmatic. One
that we as the audience couldn’t trust, but also wouldn’t completely turn on. I’m
making my way through Claudia Gray’s very good Leia: Princess of Alderaan novel right now, so I had the benefit of
some backstory for Dern’s character and might have given her a bit more leeway
while Poe Dameron was doing his dangerous idiot act.
Man, that dress she was wearing when she gave her big
speech makes me feel like this character deserves a Hot Toys figure. Dern
rocked the heck out of that slinky number. And you know I like some purple hair.
DJ –
His stupid stutter or whatever was annoying, but otherwise Benicio del Toro’s
legit scoundrel DJ needs more plastic love. There’s a Black Series figure out
or soon to be out, but I want a 3.75” version. I loved the fact that he’s
actually a bad guy. If it hadn’t been buried in a constant stream of narrative “gotcha”
moments I think I’d love him even more.
 |
| I couldn't find a great picture of these beauties. |
B/SF-17
Heavy Bomber (Resistance Bombers) – HOLY CRAP. The B-Wing is
one of my favorite Star Wars vehicles and I marked out big time seeing their
descendants in all of their slow-moving glory. As a matter of fact, seeing
these on screen might have been the peak of my excitement during my first
viewing because it was still early enough in the movie that disappointment hadn’t
set in. I need a toy of one of these.
If there’s a Hot Wheels or other die-cast version I’d even buy that. I love
these things.
There is a LEGO set, but that's mostly not my thing.
 |
| This isn't from The Last Jedi, but you get the idea. |
Puppet
Yoda – I buried this one in the middle so that it hopefully won’t
be seen by anyone that missed the spoiler alert up top. Yoda returns in this
movie, but in the most delightful way possible – as the wickedly mischievous
puppet we first met in The Empire Strikes
Back. He looked – and sounded – fantastic and was an absolute delight to
see acting next to Mark Hamill.
I want a Yoda puppet. Not a full scale one. I couldn’t afford
that. But one that’s just big enough to fit my hand into and maybe to have some
rods on the arms to operate. Hasbro and everyone else can throw those
animatronic Jedi training or whatever Yodas in the trash because I want a
puppet!
Ahch-To
Caretakers – This was a fun reveal. From the moment we
got to see the domiciles and architecture of Luke’s chosen place of exile I
wondered, “Who’s maintaining all of this? Does Luke spend all day cleaning
huts?”
Maybe that’s a little weird, but the scene where Rey
discovers (and annoys) the Caretakers was fun, and the sort of humor Star Wars
has traditionally done. As opposed to the endless stream of awkward jokey jokes
that came off even worse than Finn’s “Droid, please” from the Force Awakens.
The
Supremacy (Snoke’s Mega-Class Star Destroyer) – There’s
a LEGO set available, as well as a playset from Hasbro (that transforms into
BB-8, which doesn’t make any gotdamn sense), but I don’t do big LEGO sets and
Hasbro’s doesn’t feature the exterior, which is what I want.
Best case scenario for me is probably one of the die-cast
ships that The Disney Store has been producing. I’ll resort to Hot Wheels if I
have to, I guess. I’d love to have one in the scale and style of Diamond Select
Toys’ Star Trek Legends ships, but that probably isn’t happening.
 |
| I couldn't find a picture of Final Battle Luke at all, but this is close. |
Force
Projection Luke Skywalker – Luke as he appears at the
climax of The Last Jedi, in what is
likely the most Alpha Luke form we’ve seen in the movies. He projects himself
as a together, proper looking Jedi Master rather than the broken, disheveled
man we see in the rest of the film. Granted, that makes it a massive letdown
when it turns out it’s just a projection and then he looks like he’s going to
die, then he doesn’t die, then he dies; but it was still a moment that appeared badass.
Whatever scale this figure came in, it would have to be
super articulated so it could recreate the awesome fake fight scene with Kylo
Ren that didn’t really happen.
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Okay, so I have to make one comment on the movie – I feel like the audience had the rug
pulled out from under us far too many times. By the end of the movie I couldn’t
trust the narrative, which lessened the impact of everything. Nothing had been what it seemed, so I couldn’t;
get invested in anything. Now that I know the story and the things that I know
I will always dislike, I think I can enjoy the rest of the movie – much of
which I loved – on its own terms.
Oh, we need a shirtless Kylo Ren, too. Dude is jacked to
the moon. I would've included a picture for your titillation, but I'm not Googling that at work. These people think I'm weird enough already.
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