By
Phantom Troublemaker
Chris Cornell died by his
own hand on May 18, 2017 at the age of 52.
“Outshined” made me a fan
mostly because, despite not being the high-speed metal I enjoyed at the time,
it was just heavy as fuck. But Cornell’s voice also got me. His was one of the
first that felt like it was cutting to my soul. I loved Joey Belladonna, Ozzy
Osbourne, and Mike Patton at that point, but as good as those guys are
everything was pretty much just them performing (though Patton would later
develop some powerfully affecting skills). I felt Cornell’s raw but expert
vocals. It felt to me like he was trying to express just as much as he was
trying to perform.
That might even be a
critical element of the difference between the Seattle sound that became known
as “Grunge” and other rock and metal music of the day – the feeling. But that’s
a post for another day.
“Outshined” made me a
Soundgarden fan. I can’t claim that they were a favorite, and I grew
disenchanted with them as they “lost their edge” over the years, though I now totally understand their musical
changes. I wasn’t big on Audioslave and Cornell’s solo work wasn’t the kind of
stuff I was into, though I always respected his amazing voice – I think it’s
the greatest of his era, possibly of my generation.
You might be wondering why I’m
taking the time to write something about the guy if I’m not the biggest fan.
It’s because I’ve seen some
utterly appalling things said about him and the way that he took his life and I
want to offer my perspective and perhaps soften some unreasonably harsh
criticism.
I cannot stop thinking about
Cornell’s
episode of Marc Maron’s WTF podcast.
Chris seemed like a guy that had his shit together and had a handle on rock and
roll stardom. He spoke openly and frankly about alcoholism and rehab and
mistakes he had made. I learned why Soundgarden had changed their sound after Superunkown (listen to the episode – it’s
worth it). Cornell offered an amazing perspective on his life and career and
just seemed so self-possessed. This was a guy that had been through the wringer
of the music business and come out the other side changed but grown.
After listening to that
conversation, I never would have imagined that he was a man that was capable of
taking his own life.
But nearly six months to the
day after that interview aired, he hanged himself with an exercise band in the
bathroom of his hotel room immediately following a Soundgarden show.
Cornell had taken an
unusually large dose of the prescription drug Ativan, which is used to treat
anxiety and other related disorders. It seems he suffered from anxiety and
Depression. When I see things like, “He was a weak coward to do this to his
family and friends”, I see a lack of understanding of mental disorders and the
epidemic of pharmaceutical abuse that is plaguing this country.
The prescription drug issue
is one that concerns me greatly, but isn’t as relevant to this post because I don’t
know the details of Cornell’s Ativan situation. I just know that any time a
tragedy is accompanied by prescription drug use – and it is becoming more and
more common – I am suspicious and angry.
I am more concerned with
Cornell’s mental health and the shocking callousness that some are expressing.
To be fair, I used to adopt
the same attitude about suicides. I was young and dumb and had no real
understanding of the insidious nature of anxiety and Depression. But as we move
through life and gain experience and widen our perspectives, we learn and grow.
And while I have never suffered from clinical depression, I certainly know how
my brain can hurt me sometimes.
Thanks to my day job, I
experience near constant feelings of loneliness. I work long, odd hours that
keep me separated from my friends and family and interfere with normal
activities. Nobody I know is on the schedule I am, so in addition to being
physically detached, I don’t have anyone to relate to about this situation.
Without getting too deep into the specifics, the workplace doesn’t employ many
people that I can relate to on a social level, so there’s not much relief
there, either.
This schedule perpetuates
feelings of hopelessness. I’ll never see enough of my family. I’ll never be
able to pursue extracurricular activities with any regularity because I can’t commit
to other peoples’ schedules. When I’m on nights I don’t see anyone and when I’m
on days I don’t get enough sleep. There are times where I can barely motivate
myself to get out of bed because the job is always there reinforcing the
pointlessness of it all.
Sometimes I can accept this
status quo and recognize that most of my life is pretty darn good. Soemtimes I
feel like I’m drowning. I never have suicidal thoughts because there’s enough good
in my life – the times I do get to spend with family and friends – to justify the
bad and also because I generally think I’m pretty great. But also because my
brain works the way it is “supposed” to.
I have these thoughts, but I
can always reason my way through them. I don’t have the disorder that creates
darkness for its own sake. My brain doesn’t betray me and tell me things are
wrong when they aren’t. My brain doesn’t tell me I’m alone and imperfect and
that I will never be happy when there is no realistic evidence to support these
thoughts and feelings.
It seems that Chris Cornell
did have those kinds of disorders. So there’s no “he decided to abandon his
family” or “he was too weak to keep going”. His brain was betraying him. He was incapable of even coming to the conclusions
that his death was a tragedy or that there was hope in the future because his
brain wasn’t working properly.
Expecting a person with mental disorders like anxiety and Depression to
recognize reality and make lucid, logical decisions is like cutting off a
person’s arms and expecting them to play baseball. The parts of their brains
that they need to understand that they are loved and important and part of something do not work.
And it is entirely possible
that the prescription drug he was taking exacerbated this condition rather than
preventing it. I cannot speak from personal experience, but I have known enough
people who have gone through the mockery that is mental health care to believe
that this was a factor. When our country’s medical system has adopted the “take
this and see what happens” approach to prescription drugs, you cannot rule out
that Ativan had a hand in Cornell’s demise.
Please – don’t take any of
that as fact or medical record or whatever. I’m just trying to get across the
strong likelihood that Chris Cornell did not just sit down and think, “Fuck
this – I’m not living anymore” and make a lucid and rational decision to wrap
an exercise band around his neck and strangle himself to death.
But even if he did – and I
doubt it – please remember that he was a human being. Sure, he was a badass
rock star that made it to the top. But he was a human with thoughts and
feelings and problems and regrets and desires. Rock star or not, he was on the
road, separated from his friends and family and working a schedule and a job
that most people cannot understand and doing it all with a brain that might not
have been functioning properly.
Mental health disorders are
cruel and insidious and chances are most folks don’t understand them anymore
than I do. Anyone that wants to puff up their chest and demonize victims of
anxiety and depression needs to take a minute and think about just how frail we
can be as humans and how little we truly know about others’ experiences and
feelings.
That being said, Chris
Cornell will be sorely missed. He left behind decades of beautiful, important
work and might have had decades more ahead. I sit here and I hope that if any
good can come of his tragic end, it will be a light publicly shined on America’s
broken mental health care and prescription drug situations.
Thank you so much for this post. I have been diagnosed with depression and deal with it through medication, counseling and things I have learned to do to combat it.
ReplyDeleteIn the past 4 years several people I have known; former students, sons of friends, acquaintances have taken their lives after suffering in secret with depression. It is a very real problem that isn't often being talked about in a way that does anything to help people understand or move mental health to an area people that suffer from whatever kind feel they can without the stigma attached.
Your description of the brain betraying the person is so accurate. We refer to it as the brain bully with my daughter, and that is exactly what it is. A bully that can be your ally, but at the same time turn on you and make you think and believe things about yourself that either are not true or not as extreme as they seem at the time.
I'm rambling, so I'll stop, but again, I'd like to thank you for this post.
Thank you for commenting. I'm glad that the post came across the right way. It's a tough to topic to address with sensitivity and understanding, especially from the point of view of an outsider.
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