By
Phantom Troublemaker
WARNING: This is a travel column with a
humorous slant. There is information here, but it is swaddled in semi-off-color
humor. If you just want regular old information about Helen, you should go to their website.
Although they aren’t going to warn you about
the lousy music.
This past weekend I took the family to scenic Helen,
Georgia for what I expected to be a couple of days of
Bavarian/German/Swedish/Whatever fun and now you get to read all about it!
I have always had fond memories of Helen from a trip that
my family went on when I was a kid. The specifics escape me because I don’t
have that weird thing where you can actually remember your childhood, but I’ve
always treasured what I do recall of panning for gold, browsing candy stores,
and wandering through all different kinds of places filled with exotic arts and
crafts reminiscent of the old country.
Not my old
country, but someone’s. I mean, Germany has been around for a long time. And
even before it was known for industrial music, overpriced automobiles, and poop
videos it was where they trained mercenaries. We learned all about them in
elementary school. It seems that America couldn’t have a war without boatloads
of Hessians showing up wanting to stick their swords into people for money.
Fortunately America can provide her own mercenaries now,
but we can still visit a small town nestled in the North Georgia mountains to
experience the best in Old World Hessian charm.
And terrible, terrible music.
I know that this post could use more pictures, but as I mention a few times, I did not realize I would be doing a write-up.
The
Heidi Motel
We stayed in the adorable Heidi motel, which is within a
mile of pretty much everything. It has a windmill on top of it, so you can
pretend you’re in Beauty and the Beast,
minus the plague. Probably minus the plague.
The exterior shares the charming timber-frame design that
dominates Helen. If you want to stay in a cutesy place that you’ll want
pictures of, this is it. Our room was clean. This is very important, as much of Helen was not clean. Some of the
furniture was a style that I’d call “Sort of Medieval or Something” and some of
it was “Sort of Big Lots”. An HDTV was awkwardly bolted into the wall, but
rather than being centered and dominating the room with its technological
convenience, it was way off to the right of a huge unnecessary mirror. The room
had a sizeable mini-fridge and a microwave, which was nice.
The fixtures in the bathroom were aged and the toilet
seat was the kind where if you don’t pay attention to how you sit on it there’s
a good chance it’s going to slide right off of the toilet and take you with it.
The shower head had a crack in it where water shot out of the top and directly
into the ceiling, but I just pretended it was our own little celebratory
fountain. Hooray for Helen!
Seriously, though – I can’t emphasize enough how clean
the room was. The carpet felt clean.
I was okay walking around with my socks off.
The lady at the desk was very nice, but possibly not a
native. I say this because she didn’t seem to actually know anything about
Helen. My idea had been to check in and ask the almost certainly knowledgeable
Motel staff where to eat, but all she could tell us was that she thought people
liked the place down the street that she couldn’t remember the name of.
The bottom line is that we liked the Heidi motel. It was
overpriced for what it was, but a fine place to stay for an evening.
Old
Heidelberg
Because I have food issues, the thing I was most looking
forward to was a huge German meal with a huge German beer. Sure – I sort of
vaguely outlined other stuff we might do like panning for gold or looking at
some nature, but the one concrete plan in my head was gorging on sausage and
potato-based cuisine.
Since the hotel staff had been less than helpful with
recommendations, we struck out on our own towards town to find the most
German-looking place we could. While most of Helen is very German, Old
Heidelberg was the Germanist. It also had the advantage of being one of the
first places we found. This was important because there had been some
miscommunication amongst the family as to when, exactly, we would be eating and
my wife has a very specific schedule.
If we do not
adhere to the schedule, her response goes something like this:
Stage 1 - Physical signs of hunger – fidgeting, frowning,
complaining about DC movies (approximately ten minutes to stage 2)
Stage 2 – Verbal notification of hunger (approximately
three minutes to stage three)
Stage 3 – Psychological torture – starts to list household
chores that need to be done, reminders of past infractions, threats of violence
(approximately eight minutes to stage 4)
Stage 4 – Genocide
We were seven minutes and fifty-four seconds into Stage
3. I do not ever want to get to Stage 4. We would have eaten at Old Heidelberg
if it had been Arby’s.
Fortunately Old Heidelberg was not Arby’s. The staff was
pleasant and attentive, with the waiter going so far as to recommend a
different kind of sausage from what I initially ordered (he was right). They
were also quite knowledgeable about the menu, something that I unfortunately don’t
see enough of these days.
Old Heidelberg is, well, old. There are places where it shows more than others and if you can’t
deal with a little character in your restaurants, it might not be for you. But
I loved it.
The food was phenomenal. I had this:
The Baurnwurstplatte with mashed potatoes and German (of
course) potato salad. The mashed potatoes were the highlight. The baurnwurst
was great on its own, but I am a big fan of mustard and there was some kind of
super thick mustard on the table. The sort of mustard that is hard to spread
and that has big, brown specks in it. Mustard so hearty it’s almost a meal unto
itself. I’d say I had a 50/50 mustard to baurnwurst ratio going on and it was incredible.
This sausage was the kind that was so good that if
someone ran up to you while you were eating it and said, “THAT SAUSAGE IS
PEOPLE”, you’d just finish it anyway.
The German potato salad was also good, but I always
forget that German potato salad is just seasoned potato slices.
I also had the first beer on their beer list. I can’t remember
the name because it was something like “Geborsthalleschlasse”, but the
description started with “Some find the initial taste reminiscent of bananas”
and also included references to mangos and other fruits. If you know me, you
know that I mostly don’t like beer, so this was right up my alley. It was
delightful and was the kind of beer that I would gladly drink on a daily basis.
Mrs. Troublemaker had a distinctly non-German burger that
she said was great, accompanied by an Oktoberfest beer that she also liked. I’m
sure it tasted like an old shoe, because that’s the kind of beer she likes.
My son had chicken fingers because he is nine and most
nine-year-olds do not appreciate the magic of baurnwurst and mustard so thick
you could pave the strasse with it.
Nightlife
We wandered around the downtown area a bit after dinner.
Visually, the downtown area is wonderful to look at
thanks to the Bavarian architecture and quaint, old-world charm.
Olfactorily, the downtown area was somewhat unpleasant because
there were a lot of people standing around smoking. As far as I know there wasn’t
a tractor pull scheduled in Helen that weekend, but you’d never know it from looking
around at the pedestrians.
Aurally, the downtown area is downright appalling thanks
to upwards of ten outdoors musicians within fifteen feet of one another playing
covers of Lynyrd Skynyrd and Confederate Railroad. Not to mention all of the
restaurants and bars trying to drown each other out with their own prerecorded
Top 40 White College Male Hits of the Aughts.
I was experiencing some pretty severe cognitive
dissonance thanks to the combination of charming old world surroundings and vomitus
modern Southern Rock and the yard of Geborsthalleschlasse
I had imbibed at Old Heidelberg wasn’t helping me cope. I wanted streets with
the pleasant strains of Händel and Schubert playing in the background, with the
occasional rowdy polka tune thrown in. Instead I was getting a redneck
cacophony.
Remind me to write a strongly worded letter to the Helen
Chamber of Commerce.
Side Note: Everyone that worked in Helen was tremendous. We had nothing
but wonderful interactions with every clerk, waiter, and staff person in town.
The people visiting Helen were not
tremendous. It was a bizarre mix of boisterous college-age kids, massive
families that seemed to be there just to obstruct sidewalks and doorways, and
old, loud drunks.
Jolly’s
Toys
If you know me, then you know mine is a family that likes
a toy store. And yet another perk of staying at the Heidi motel is the presence
of Jolly’s Toys right next door!
Jolly’s Toys has been in Helen for thrity-eight years. I
know this because I asked. I asked because as soon as I set foot in the store I
was overwhelmed by memories. The setup, the smells, even some of the toys – I
had been here. The feeling of nostalgia was like an ocean wave hitting me
full-on. Whenever that childhood visit to Helen had occurred, we had gone to
Jolly’s Toys.
As a matter of fact, I do believe this was the store
where I acquired a coonskin cap and a boomerang. I was much better at wearing
the cap than I was at throwing the boomerang, but neither made me as cool as I
was hoping they would.
The lady I spoke to this time was absolutely wonderful,
filling me in on some of the shop’s history as she made sure the kids in the
store had a never ending supply of toys to play with. My son shot a toy
crossbow and flew a small drone, and we completely failed to escape from a rope
puzzle.
Jolly’s Toys was jam-packed with all manner of vintage
fun. We enjoyed our time there and I’d say it’s a can’t-miss feature of Helen.
Other
Shoppes of Note
Lindenhaus Imports – A
great little store with lots of imported crafts, knick-knacks, and cuckoo
clocks.
Tim’s Wooden Toys – A
charming place where everything appears to be handmade. A gentleman was sitting
at a work bench making things while we browsed. There were all kinds of neat
items for sale, including swords, rubber band guns, wooden cars, and the best
tops I have ever seen in my life.
Alpine Candy Mine – A
candy shop themed to look like a mine. It’s cute, has a fine selection of
candy, and the staff was super nice.
Underground Helen –
If you need dreamcatchers, statues of bears, rock candy, or a neon Schaefer
Beer sign, this is the place for you.
DJ’s Magic Dragon –
Helen’s finest knife and airbrushed t-shirt emporium! It escapes being included
with the next listing purely by virtue of its weirdness.
Crappy Tourist Shops –
Unfortunately, many of the shops in Helen are of the same variety you find at
the beach – loaded with ugly t-shirts with things like Confederate flags and
dogs drinking beer, miniature plastic outhouses, and flip flops. For every
delightful store like Lindenhaus Imports, there are three shit shops with
garbage merchandise.
Remind me to complain about these lousy shops in my
letter.
Hansel and Gretel Candy Kitchen –
This was definitely a big draw, as we saw more people come through this store
than anywhere else. It’s a fairly large space full of homemade candy, fudge,
and other desserts. I couldn’t believe how many verities of sugary confection
they had available, including what must have been fifty different kinds of
truffles. They had fresh samples on the back counter and my son and I tried
some carrot cake fudge that was just ridiculous.
I left with a bag of pecan pralines. They were delightful.
The
Meeting Place Family Restaurant
Located across the street from the Heidi Motel, The
Meeting Place had indoor and outdoor seating and both were pleasant
environments. The staff was great and we enjoyed our breakfast. I will throw
this warning out – there’s a big Christian presence, so if you’re a jerk that can’t
handle that kind of stuff or can’t control your language in public, you might want
to find another place to eat.
I’d recommend the Wendy’s down the street. That red
haired devil has zero standards.
![]() |
From the website. I didn't take a picture because I didn't realize I'd be writing this up. |
Outpost
Gold & Gem Mining
My son’s only goal for the trip was to pan for gold. I
totally understood this.
I very clearly recall that on my family’s trip to the Helen/Dahlonega
area when I was a kid, that was my primary interest as well. We found an
operation set up somewhere that let you take a pan and sift through sand in a
little artificial creek for as long as you wanted. After a couple of hours of
what was probably my parents working a whole lot harder than I did, we brought
our finds to the people in charge so they could be preserved in a tiny jar of
water. I still have the treasures that we labored so hard for that day – three flecks
of what probably isn’t gold, a green gem the size of an ant, and a red gem that
is slightly smaller.
Imagine my surprise when, roughly two minutes into our
experience my son had culled this:
Clearly things are a little different in the world of
gold and gem mining these days.
Outpost is set up where you buy a bucket of sand – gold,
gems, or fossils – and take it to one of their troughs full of water. There,
you use a provided trowel to put the sand in a sieve to dunk in the water and
slosh around, revealing gems and teeth or whatever. We had a blast here and I
highly recommend this place for visiting families, artificial though the
experience may be. We bought a gem bucket and a fossil bucket and between the
fun we had and the stuff we took home I feel like we got more than our money’s
worth.
Scoop
de Scoop Ice Cream Parlour
This place is right across the street from Outpost and
adjacent to the Alpine miniature golf course, which we did not visit. The
service was great and so was the ice cream.
Anna
Ruby Falls
Anna Ruby Falls is a nature-oriented attraction located in
the Chattahoochee National Forest. It’s close enough to Helen that it can be
your whole day or just part of your day, depending on how much you like nature
and trees and stuff.
If I were the sort of person that valued trees and
streams and bugs over large amounts of delicious food, I’d say this was the
highlight of our trip. I’d also weigh thirty pounds less.
The drive to get there took us through some forests and
hills, with the reveal of actual, for-real mountains as you approach. As hilly
as Metro Atlanta is, it’s exciting to see true mountains in person. For me,
anyway. We found it a little strange that the speed limit on these winding,
hilly roads was 55 and I have no problem telling you that I didn’t get within
10 MPH of that most of the time. Careening off the side of an elevated highway
is not part of my vacation plan.
The whole area dedicated to the falls is beautiful. There’s
a walking path that’s about half a mile long and I took more pictures on it
than I did of the whole rest of Helen (partially because I didn’t realize I’d
be writing this). The creek that flows down the mountain from the falls has
plenty of serene pools and tumbling miniature falls and the forest is lush and gorgeous.
Despite my normal anti-outdoors attitude, I found myself truly enjoying the
serene environment.
At least, I was until I got to the top and one of those huge
families was blocking the walkway. This time with the added element of wine
that smelled like a hobo’s butthole. It was bizarre. Right at the top of the
path there were six or seven people standing there with paper cups full of the
foulest-smelling drek I’ve ever had the displeasure of inhaling. It was like
the California Raisins got hung over and threw up in a bucket. And then peed in
the bucket.
But we quickly made or way past the Mad Dog convention
and onto the observation decks.
There are two waterfalls there because it’s
where Curtis Creek and York Creek intersect. It’s not powerful like other
waterfalls I’ve seen, but it’s pretty and nice and worth the already pleasant
trip up the mountain to see.
Troll
Tavern
After walking, driving, and panning for gold and teeth
all day we had worked up quite the appetites. Unfortunately, we chose the Troll
Tavern for lunch.
The ambiance is that of a jocko sports bar with random
paintings of trolls here and there. The food was okay at best, but it might
have been better if our anger at waiting forty minutes for it hadn’t been the
predominate taste.
Eh, no need to belabor it – we didn’t like this place at
all and would never go back. End of story.
And that, my friends, is actually the end of the story.
At that point we were all tired and ready to head home. We hadn’t booked a room
for a second night because we weren’t too sure what Helen had to offer, so I
wanted to get on the road before it got too late.
Helen is a beautiful little town with plenty to do. The
people that work there are friendly and courteous and very conscious of making
sure you have a good time. The people visiting there are probably the worst
thig about it. There’s no way around the fact that Helen is a tourist town and
you’re going to have to deal with tourists. Now that I’ve experienced that, I
might be able to filter it a little bit and have more fun next time.
And that’s not to say that we didn’t have fun. Between
the food, the shops, and the attractions, we ended up having a great time and I
definitely recommend a family trip to Helen for anyone that’s considering it.
It isn’t overly pricey and there’s plenty in a five minute walking distance or
twenty minute driving distance to keep you occupied for a weekend. If I could
make one wish come true, it would be to get rid of all of the shitty music that
was playing and replace it with something more appropriate.
You
can follow Phantom Troublemaker on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram for all
the latest on pop culture!
If
you enjoy beer, polka, or Needless Things, you might enjoy SupportPhantom.com.
I really enjoyed reading this!
ReplyDeleteMy wife and I actually went on our honeymoon in Helen back in May of 2005. I grew up in Nashville, TN and had never heard of it before but a gentleman from our church recommended it to us. It really was a pretty cool place. I remember that we stayed at a cabin my parents had rented for us, went hiking, ate at the ice cream shop and lots of German restaurants, went tubing, played miniature golf, and checked out a few nearby Wal-Marts and such because the Episode III toys were out and the toy hunt never ends. Not even for a honeymoon. We had a great time and picked up some Christmas ornaments that still hang on our tree every year. My daughter is three and a 1/2 now, so it might be fun to revisit with her. I imagine we wouldn't be out much at night, so hopefully we would avoid some of the problems y'all had.
We vacation in Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge with my family almost every year and I know what you mean about the overabundance of shops selling cheap knives, confederate flag adorned memorabilia, and other bizarre stuff. I love country charm and southern hospitality. That stuff is neither and it's everywhere in Gatlinburg! I don't remember much of that in Helen, but maybe it's a recent thing from the last decade or so.
Gatlinburg is on our list. I think Chattanooga might be next up.
DeleteChatanooga has a great downtown and Rock City is unbelieving charming!
Delete