It’s
March of 2016.
That
means it’s 3/16.
And
today
is 3/16 in 2016, so it’s time for me to talk about the Texas
Rattlesnake, the Bionic Redneck, the baddest SOB in professional
wrestling, Stone Cold Steve Austin!
GIMMIE
A HELL YEAH.
*pauses
for “Hell Yeahs”*
You
damn
right.
He
might not have headlined some of the biggest movies of all time, but
Stone Cold has done his fair share of acting and now hosts his own
successful podcast and two hugely popular television shows on CMT –
Broken
Skull Challenge
and Redneck
Island.
But
I’m not here to talk about all of that. I’m here to talk about
what I saw of the Rattlesnake’s in-ring career and how I felt about
him as a performer at various points through the years. Today I’ll
just be covering highlights of what I witnessed of Austin’s career
as it happened from when I started watching in 1997. No other history
or WCW days or stuff I went back and watched on the Network or the
various Austin DVDs I own. This is about my own personal experience
watching Stone Cold’s career. This isn’t Wikipedia, so I’m not
going to run down Championships or anything like that.
Back
in 1997 me and my roommates at the time were all about WCW. We had
been watching since the prior year’s Bash
at the Beach,
where Hulk Hogan turned heel and joined the nWo. I’m pretty sure we
had checked out WWF’s product from time to time, but the production
quality just wasn’t on par with what Ted Turner’s company was offering.
When I think back to those first episodes of RAW
is War
that I saw, I picture dirty, smoky arenas with lights that were
slightly too bright and an entrance stage that seemed bland in
comparison to Monday
Nitro’s
banners, signs, scaffolding, and fancy lighting set-up.
At
the time professional wrestling was huge in a way that I don’t
think it will ever be again. Between cable, the internet, and
streaming entertainment there are so many options now that I don’t
think any televised product can be that big. People watch what they
want when they want and are no longer compelled to watch things that
they might only be tangentially interested in due to a simple lack of
choice. My point is that everyone
was at least aware
of what was going on in wrestling, even if they weren’t actually
watching.
And
everyone included my friend James,
who not only watched wrestling, but spent his afternoons throwing
himself off of his back porch to practice bumping as part of his
pursuit of a pro wrestling career.
Side
Note: “Bumping” is the art of taking a fall in professional
wrestling. When you fall down, it hurts. Period. It doesn’t matter
if you knew
you were going to fall. But there are ways to fall that protect your
body and hurt less. This is what James was practicing. Off of his
back porch.
In
talking to James one day, I learned that WCW was “bullshit” and
that the real stuff was going on over in the WWF. I didn’t
necessarily agree with his assessment of WCW, but if there’s one
thing that I’ve learned in this life, it’s that you don’t argue
with a man that has thrown himself off of his back porch 163 times in
a single afternoon.
James
went on to elaborate that the WWF was being dominated by some crazy
son of a bitch called “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. Austin drank
beer and flipped people off. He used salty language. He’d whoop
anyone’s ass and didn’t give a damn who they were. Hell, son –
he’d mouthed off to Jake the Fucking Snake and gotten away with it.
This guy was the real
deal.
While
nothing was going to derail my fandom of WCW, Lionheart Chris
Jericho, and the sassy and agile Nitro Girls, I was intrigued by the
thought of this Austin guy. After all, you weren’t going to see
Alex Wright pouring beer all over Juventud Guererra at 8:30 Monday
night on TNT.
I
honestly can’t remember when we tuned into RAW
is War
for the first time. I just know that we were instantly invested in
Austin, who was slightly (only slightly) more multi-dimensional than
the redneck lunatic James had described. By the time WrestleMania XIV
rolled
around, we were all-in and that was the first WWF pay-per-view that I
ever ordered.
Oh,
and as for James – I talked to him some time after we got into WWF
and was excited to trade tales and opinions about the company. But he
shot me down with the news that WWF was “bullshit” and that the
real stuff was going on over in ECW. There was some crazy son of a
bitch called “The Sandman” that drank beer, flipped people off,
used salty language, whooped asses, and
smoked cigarettes. Because of the success of James’ WWF
recommendation I gave ECW a look, but I was not won over by Sandman’s
mullet and Zubaz pants.
WrestleMania
XIV was a huge deal. It’s still one of my favorite ‘Manias, if
more for nostalgic reasons then actual quality, though it was a
dammed good show. There was a TON of spectacle that would hook any
would-be fan into the company, but the Main Event of Stone Cold
challenging Shawn Michaels for his World Heavyweight Championship was
titanic.
I
didn’t know at the time that Michaels was hurting as badly as he
was. All I knew was that between HBK’s stablemates in D-Generation
X, Mike Tyson as the special guest ring enforcer (whatever that
means), and Mr. McMahon’s hatred for Austin, it didn’t seem like
there was any way that Austin could overcome the odds. Despite the
fact that I had only been watching this guy for a few months at this
point, I was more invested in that match than anything I had seen in
WCW. It remains one of the matches I consider myself to have gotten
the most caught up in, perhaps the
most.
Only recently did I even remember that I had once had the capacity to
care so much about fake fighting, when Bayley beat Sasha Banks for
the NXT Women’s Championship. It had been years
since I truly cared about the outcome of a match in an “edge of my
seat” kind of way.
Austin
was the Champ after ‘Mania, which might seem to close a book, but
since we’re talking about wrestling, we all know that thigs were
just going to get worse (better).
Entire
DVDs have been released detailing the conflict between Stone Cold
Steve Austin and Mr. McMahon. I don’t want to belabor that whole
thing. It was incredible to watch. Absurd in the extreme, but Stone
Cold Steve Austin – and, to a larger extent the WWF in general –
had this magical quality that made suspending your disbelief not just
easy, but natural.
Mr.
McMahon (the character) was so ridiculously over the top. I give
Vince McMahon (the performer) all the credit in the world for going
out there every week and showing ass, over and over again. He was
vicious and cruel and hateful, but no man has ever suffered as much
televised indignity as he did.
Side
Note: Okay, maybe Kane.
We
ate it
up. The
storytelling of that entire feud was masterful. The timing and twists
and turns (who will help Austin? Who hates Austin more than McMahon
or vice-versa?) kept us tuning in every single Monday night. I
remember genuinely wondering how the heck it could all end.
Unfortunately, it mostly ended with the Corporate Ministry, which was
a fantastic angle that turned out to be awful. But that’s a whole
other post.
Before
that Austin was the centerpiece of RAW
every night. Whether he was working a match, getting in unsanctioned
fights, or just talking shit on the mic, he was the constant draw.
Don’t get me wrong – without the WWF’s strong undercard and a
supporting cast for Austin, the company never would have seen the
success that it eventually did. Heck, I would say that Jim Ross
deserves a certain portion of the credit for Austin and the WWF’s
success at the time. But I firmly believe that no other performer in
the history of the business could have carried the company to victory
over WCW in the way that Austin did in the late 90s. I don’t think
anyone has ever combined such a strong work ethic with such a natural
understanding of what it means to be a professional wrestler. I don’t
know that even Austin himself knows how or why he’s so good.
I
suppose I should get at least a little specific.
When
I’m talking about a pro wrestler being good, I’m looking at how
comfortable they are more than anything else, followed by how real
they behave. I know that’s poor grammar, but it’s the best way to
say it. With the former, I would say there are only a very few
wrestlers in my lifetime that felt born to the business – as though
they have to think about how to be a wrestler as much as I have to
think about how to sit on the couch.
That’s
not to say that it’s easy or that they’re not actually putting
thought into what they do. I just mean that it looks
like that. Having great, logical matches and cutting convincing
promos seems to be as easy for these guys as any everyday task you or
I might perform, but to the viewer they are still compelling and
astounding feats.
The
latter – the behavior – is something else that I don’t think
can be taught. Here I just mean that I buy into their character one
hundred percent. This is more rare than the other qualifier,
especially at the higher levels of the industry. The first guy since
Stone Cold that has me scratching my head over how much of his act is
real was CM Punk. Prior to Stone Cold I’d probably say Jake the
Snake. Now we’ve got Kevin Owens, who seems to have all of the same
natural tools that those guys have. And maybe just those four in my
lifetime. To one degree or another, even the best wrestlers can be
seen to be putting on an act. I’m not knocking that. Hogan, Piper,
Flair, Michaels – those guys were all top-level performers that I
can appreciate for different reasons. But what Austin brought to the
ring was next level. Something truly special, if not unique.
I
don’t know if I explained that well or not, but for me that’s
what it comes down to. And Austin is the greatest.
Austin
turned heel at WrestleMania XVII. Nobody wanted to boo Stone Cold
Steve Austin. It was confusing and weird and off-putting. It wasn’t
the best time in the Rattlesnake’s career, and yet he still managed
to produce some moments that stand out in the vast history of pro
wrestling. Because whether the audience wanted to boo Austin or not,
he was going to show up each and every night and work his ass off.
And – to his credit – show almost as much ass as Vince McMahon
had during their feud. I can’t say I totally appreciate the
decision to turn Austin, but we did get some comedy gold from it.
 |
| From my front row seat at RAW on 3/1/2004 in Atlanta! |
Stone
Cold’s final run in the WWE was as the Co-General Manager of Monday
Night RAW. Austin’s knees and neck were in such bad shape that he
was forced to retire from the ring, but he was still able to be part
of the company’s on-screen product. This was a time of pure fun.
Just seeing Eric Bischoff – the other Co-General Manager – have
to deal with the man he had fired in a previous life every week was
great. Austin got to ride around on his four-wheeler, drink beer, and
run his mouth as he saw fit.
Before
I wrap this thing up, I want to run down some of the most notable
Stone Cold moments that come to mind. These are just the things that
stick out to me when I think of the man’s incomparable career.
They’re all combinations of booking, J.R.’s top-notch announcing,
the talent of whoever Austin was working with, and hot crowds, but
Austin is the guy that made the moment what it was.
***
The
first thing that comes to mind isn’t actually one of my favorites;
or even one I particularly like. Austin spent an entire episode of
RAW
hunting Mr. McMahon, Elmer Fudd-style. The climax came when Stone
Cold finally got ahold of the Chairman (in the middle of the ring, of
course) and pulled a gun on him. The gun was, of course, fake and
produced nothing more harmful than a little flag that said “BANG
3:16” when the trigger was pulled. McMahon wet his pants and a good
laugh was had by all.
I’m
not squeamish about guns and feel like anyone that has been trained
and has a permit should have one, but I also think that this was a
grossly irresponsible scenario for the WWF to portray. I’m not
gonna lie – the final outcome was funny, but the whole thing makes
me uncomfortable.
***
Nobody
will ever forget the time Stone Cold drove a Coors truck to the ring
and doused The Corporation with gallons upon gallons of the cold,
watery domestic. Do beer trucks actually have hoses? Would any normal
human being flail theatrically around a wrestling ring the way that
the Rock, Shane-O-Mac, and Mr. McMahon did rather than just leaving?
Were the front rows furious to be covered with beer? And in
retrospect, are they all glad that they didn’t have cell phones
back then?
Who
cares? It was amazing. So amazing that it has been aped a few times,
most successfully by Kurt Angle with a milk truck.
***
Stone
Cold versus the Undertaker. Not any specific match, but any time the
two faced off. Nobody faced down ‘Taker like Austin did. Whatever
the circumstances and however stale the storyline might have gotten
at times, any time those two actually got in the ring together, it
was magic. People reference matches involving Steamboat, Flair,
Savage, and Bret Hart as classics all the time. Those are the matches
that you have to watch to see the best in wrestling. That’s true,
but you can’t discount the hard-hitting psychology that Austin and
Undertaker displayed every time they got in the ring. From the
mythology that they had both built around their characters to their
mastery of storytelling in the ring, those matches are just as much
clinics in professional wrestling as anything you can find.
***
Mr.
McMahon’s Corvette. Oh, man. I’m not a car guy, but watching
Stone Cold destroy that Corvette was brutal.
***
Stone
Cold Steve Austin shirts at Hot Topic. I worked at Hot Topic from ’97
until ’99. We started getting wrestling shirts in shortly after I
started and I thought that was so odd. But they sold like mad because
at the time nobody else was carrying them. And we had more Stone Cold
shirts than anything else. The biggest seller was always the classic
“Austin 3:16”, but that man must have had twenty different
t-shirt designs come through there in the time I was there. And we
didn’t even carry all
of the shirts that the WWF produced. I liked the classic one, but my
least favorite was this silly design that was a picture of Stone Cold
with actual rattlesnakes for arms. I think it sold okay, but I always
thought it was stupid.
***
I
can’t say I loved it at the time, but the Two-Man Power Trip was
awesome in retrospect. Triple H teamed up with Austin was two total
bastards at the top of their heel game. Holding all three major
titles and dominating everyone on the roster, the pair definitely
made history. Sadly, it ended before it had a chance to really get
rolling when Triple H suffered his infamous first quad tear in a
match against Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho.
***
Finally,
the middle finger. J.R. liked to refer to it as “the one-finger
salute” and Lawler would say, “He’s telling ‘em they’re
number one!” (because every sentence out of Lawler’s mouth gets
an exclamation point). I always thought it was weird that we all
cheered when Austin got up on the turnbuckles and flipped us off. But
those middle fingers weren’t aimed at us. They were aimed at
everything.
They meant “fuck you”, but they also meant exactly what King and
JR were saying. That Austin was number one – the best – and that
he was acknowledging that “the workin’ man” was out there
supporting him. That any one of us could be Austin given the right
kind of hard work and the right set of circumstances. John Cena’s
literal catchphrase is “Never Give Up”, but that’s what Austin
was saying every time he threw up those twin digits.
***
Stone
Cold Steve Austin is a wrestling legend and a WWE Hall of Famer. His
career is unequaled in the industry. For decades to come, any “tough
guy” or “rebel” characters will be compared to the Rattlesnake.
He was the defining element of the WWF’s victory over WCW in the
Monday Night Wars – the one thing that WCW could never replicate or
equal. His character was over-the-top, but every single time the
glass shattered, we were on board for whatever wild ride Austin was
about to take us on.
Swig
o’ beer for ol' Stone Cold Steve Austin. Happy 3/16!
Buy some Stone Cold stuff from Amazon and Needless Things gets a ha'penny!:
Read my exciting review of Hunt to Kill here!
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