My
mom freaking hates
Madballs.
Okay,
technically she probably doesn’t currently
hate Madballs and might need a reminder as to what they even are, but
back in 1985 she hated them. I know this because owning a Madball was
the most important thing in my life.
Like
most kids back then, my mom was the gateway to toys. I was nine years
old, so it’s not like I had a job and could just drive to Lionel
Playworld or Richway and buy whatever I wanted. Mom had oversight on
every toy purchase that was made and it was always a struggle to
purchase any toys that had even a hint of ooze, fang, deformity, pus,
goo, boogers, slime, or exposed internal organs. I don’t
specifically remember how the arguments went, but I must have been
exactly the right combination of well-behaved and annoying to
eventually break down her resistance (I actually was a really good
kid – she’d even agree).
My
sister and I both got Boglins at some point, I had tons
of Garbage Pail Kids (although I’m pretty sure the deal was that I
had to use my own money for those), and I even had a pretty solid
collection of M.U.S.C.L.E. figures. Yeah, I know those aren’t
really gross (mostly), but my mom put them in that category.
Madballs
were tough, though. I think that they were the most visceral and
truly repellent of the 80s gross-out toys. They covered every kind of
disgustingness, from bile to snot to brains to rotten and decayed
teeth.
They
were glorious.
Of
course, Mom didn’t see them that way (which possibly enhanced my
perception of their glory). I don’t know if my first exposure to
Madballs was in a store on via the all-important TV commercial:
I
remember this redneck kid named Shane in my class at the time would
walk around singing “We play with… our
balls”
to the tune of that jingle, and then looking around expecting
everyone to laugh like he’d just told the best version of The
Aristocrats ever. We did because he was huge and scary and had
stubble already. I just realized that Shane was the same kid that
would later go on to call me “Batfaggot”, so Shane – if you’re
reading this, I hope prison is great and that you’ve finally made
your way through The
Cat in the Hat
on your own.
Back
in the day commercials were far more important than they are now. For
the last two decades we’ve had combinations of toy magazines and
the internet to alert us to new toys coming out, usually long before
we should even know about them. In 1985 it was either television
commercials during cartoons or the Sears Wishbook. I miss the days of
randomly finding some cool, new toy that I had no idea existed just
hanging on the pegs.
Whatever
the case, I recall many occasions in the store when I would beg my
mom for a Madball. Slobulus and Oculus Orbus were the two I wanted
the most. I feel like Oculus was the best of the Madballs because
despite not even having a face, he managed to stand out as an
exceptional toy. He didn’t need crazy teeth or horns or a wacky
face to get over – he had style.
He was a giant freaking eyeball and that was enough.
Mom
wasn’t having it. From Richway to Zayre to Eckerd and everywhere
else, I would ask for those Madballs and she would decline. I have to
think it was the surprisingly excellent distribution the line got
(being part of the American Greetings company probably helped) that
eventually wore her down. No matter where we went, there were
Madballs.
The
first one I got was Screamin’ Meemie, who was a baseball. If you know me, you know that
a baseball was not
the Madball I wanted. But Meemie was the least gross of the lot and
was a Madball, so I enthusiastically grabbed him off the peg and put
him in the cart when my mom finally gave in and said I could have that one. I was not thrilled with Meemie, but even at that
young age some primal part of me understood that this fairly unexciting baseball was but the first step towards
that giant eyeball and numerous decapitated heads in varying stages
of decay and disrepair.
I
didn’t hate
Screamin’ Meemie. Like I said – he was
a Madball. And his giant tongue and bulging eyes were pretty awesome. Truth be
told, if he hadn’t had the baseball threading on him I probably
would have liked him just fine. But like I said – I knew I had my
foot in the Madball door. Because as any good storyteller knows,
Meemie needed a foil.
For
the most part the Madballs are chaotic neutral and don’t fight
amongst themselves. More on that later. But my mom didn’t know
that. I took advantage of her ignorance to convince her that I needed
another
Madball. Preferably the clearly evil Slobulus or the sinister Oculus
Orbus, though quite frankly any of the characters could be perceived
as nefarious. I didn’t end up with either of those. Instead, I was
allowed to get Dust Brain because he was the least vile and gooey of
the bunch.
I
ended up liking Dust Brain more than I thought I would. I had seen
some mummy movies by then, so he certainly had some brand
recognition. Meemie and Dusty didn’t make a particularly good pair,
but I was happy to have any
Madballs. I’m pretty sure I fought harder and longer to get those
toys than any others in my youth.
I
would finally get an Oculus Orbus from a friend for my birthday and I
received a castoff Slobulus that looked like he had a bite taken out
of him. I graciously accepted it, but even then I was a stickler for
toy integrity and he went straight into the trash when I got home.
There
were also many brands of knockoff and imitator Madballs. These made
me angry for being rip-offs, for not being as good as actual
Madballs, and for being much easier to find. While Madballs were
everywhere at first, by the time I had broken my mom down they were
starting to get scarce. But the knockoffs where everywhere.
Those stupid hollow rubber ones that must have arrived at the store
with mashed bubbles lingered at Toys R Us into the 90s. For me,
nothing but true Madballs would do.
I
kept those three Madballs – Oculus, Meemie, and Dust Brain – safe
for years. They were part of the small collection of toys I brought
with me when I moved out of my parents’ home because they retained
their cool. That’s the magic of Madballs and other gross-out toys –
they never stop being fun. While I firmly believe that every toy is a
work of art to some extent, the gross-out era gave us some of the
most creative and challenging toys of all time. Each Madball was a
sculpture that had challenged the creator to bring something new into
a very specific and contained format. They could do whatever they
wanted, but it had to be in the form of a four-and-a-half inch wide
ball (or larger with later special releases).
![]() |
From Madballs.com! |
Madballs
are one of the most beautiful and visually impactful toys from my
childhood. They were revived a few years ago by Art Asylum, who
released two new series of Madballs through Basic Fun. Art Asylum –
some of the most respected creators in the modern toy industry –
sculpted new versions of the classic Balls, as well as creating new
characters. These were extremely tough to find in my neck of the
woods. At the time I was still buying most of my stuff at retail and
avoided ordering online (and paying outrageous shipping fees) as much
as I could.
I
recall hitting Toys R Us almost daily and scouring the whole damn
store because I wasn’t sure where Madballs would be displayed.
Would they be with the McFarlane toys and other “collector”
stuff? Sporting goods? Maybe on an endcap in the front? I had no
idea. I remember that Madball hunt as being more frustrating than
almost any other toy hunt.
After
what seemed like months of searching (I have no idea), I finally hit
the motherlode in a somewhat unlikely place – Spencer Gifts. My
wife spotted a single Madball hanging on the pegs of impulse items in
front of the cash registers. Upon closer inspection, we saw there was
a whole basket full of crap with several more Madballs under those
pegs. I was nine years old again. I took a quick, greedy look around
to make sure nobody was going to run up and take my precious prizes
and started digging through the basket.
They
had releases from both the first and second series, but they were
crazy overpriced – I think $9.99 apiece. As often happens, my wife
told me I had better go ahead and get them because she knows how
irrational I get about toys and feeling like I’ve missed out on
them. Especially with these Madballs because we had been together a
few years by then and she knew they were a special case. So I picked
these out:
And
of course later wished like hell that I had bought the rest. I just
wasn’t crazy about the ones I didn’t buy, but I should’ve known
I’d end up wanting them anyway. Still, I am the proud owner of
these fantastic Madballs, a special statement because I know a lot of
people who never did find these and still want to add them to their
collection.
Now
it’s 2016 and someone else is reviving these morbid orbs. Mondo
Tees, who have recently gotten into the business of producing badass,
pricey toys, has announced a line called Mondoballs, which will not
only include our treasured Madballs, but also spherical
interpretations of licensed characters like Venom:
I
will absolutely be buying every single Madball they release, and
deepening upon the pricing (they have already claimed “affordable”)
I might pick up the licensed versions, as well. That Venom looks
great!
Madballs
represent a formative time not only in my life, but in the history of
toys. Many companies had the good fortune to find commercial and
creative success in the “anything goes” days of the 80s. The toy
market was a different place and the manufacturers were more willing
to take a chance on untested properties – oftentimes the wackier,
the better. As a result of that wild and experimental time we got
some of the most inspired and wonderful toys to ever hit the market.
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