Back
in October, just before Hell
in a Cell
when RAW
had been stinking on ice pretty much since SummerSlam,
I had the idea to write a comprehensive piece on the current WWE
roster. At the time we were still in the midst of 31 Days of
Halloween. While a great idea like Demons of the Ring: Supernatural Gimmicks in Wrestling
worked for the spooky season, this one didn’t. So I held off until
now.
I’m
a bit frustrated by WWE again. I think the trigger this time was a
commercial.
I
don’t give a hobo’s balls about Draft Kings. I have to tolerate
their stupid fucking ads from Marc Maron and Stone Cold Steve Austin,
but I deal with it because their podcasts are (for now) free. But I
pay… you know damn well how much I pay… for the WWE Network and
as far as I’m concerned ads are a deal breaker. I’m sure WWE
won’t care about my complaint any more than I care about Draft
Kings, but if the ads aren’t gone by the thirteenth, I’m
cancelling.
And
it’s not just that it’s Draft Kings. It could be a product I
actually like and I’d find the practice of selling me advertising
unacceptable.
Also,
if the product were better right now I might have to put more thought
into. Fortunately, WWE is spinning its collective wheels with no
promise of future excitement. Yeah – obviously I’ll miss NXT.
But I’m looking for ways to cut financial corners right now and
saving $120 a year is a good start.
Before
all of that happens, I want to take a close look at WWE’s current
roster, especially Becky Lynch.
I’m
sorry. That was inappropriate. But how can I not love a wacky redhead
with a legit Irish accent that makes Monty Python references even
though she knows
that the vast majority of her viewership won’t get them?
I
just want to share a few thoughts about the talent, purely from my
perspective and without regard to any sort of politics or other
behind-the-scenes nonsense:
Adam
Rose
– Never clicked with me. He seems like a good talker and he’s
okay in the ring, but if he disappeared I’d never notice and I
doubt many other viewers would, either.
Alicia
Fox
– Not a fan. Same artificiality as Orton, clunky in the ring.
Alberto
Del Rio
– A natural. He was born with “It”. He can work at any level
and is a great talker. I don’t understand why he was brought back
as a heel or why he’s saddled with the uncharismatic and awkward
Zeb Coulter.
Becky
Lynch
– Wonderful. The person I most look forward to seeing on any show.
More Becky Lynch, please.
Big
E –
I am utterly delighted by everything that this man does. He has –
through sheer force of will and “stick-to-it-iveness” –
progressed from big man filler to one of the top draws of every show
he’s on. I hope he enjoys and long and successful career.
Big
Show
– “I should be able to count on one hand the number of people
that have pinned Big Show”. That’s a quote from dany
only
and he’s right. Between being used as a prop to put up-and-comers
over to near-weekly character turns, Paul Wight has been rendered
useless by years of thoughtless booking. He’s a smart guy and a
great athlete, but I couldn’t care less when he shows up on my
screen.
Bo
Dallas
– He’s got his character down and I enjoy seeing him get his ass
handed to him. I think he has the potential to do more than they let
him, but for now I’m okay with his occasional appearances to get
beaten down. I don’t think they should ever lump him in with the
Wyatts because I think he has more to offer than that.
Braun
Strowman
– Terrifyingly huge and thus far booked well. It’s going to be
bad when they stop hiding his deficiencies, though.
Bray
Wyatt
– Needs a decisive victory in a feud. Bray also needs to tweak his
speeches slightly. They’re all getting really similar and starting
to feel put-on. He should watch some Foley, Pillman, and early Austin
stuff. He needs to vary his act a bit. He does know how to put on a
big match, though. I like his timing and presence in the ring a lot.
Comes off as comfortable and a pro. Not everyone does.
Brie
Bella
– I find her to be the slightly more capable in-ring performer.
That said, I’d be happy if she was never on my TV again.
Brock
Lesnar
– An absolute phenomenon. The biggest and most effective “special
attraction” draw since Andre. I wasn’t okay with him ending The
Streak, but his booking has been so perfect since then that I can’t
complain. Usually WWE will throw a moment like that away by following
it with lousy booking. This time they got it right. Lesnar is an
incomparable in-ring talent and a true force of nature. I’ll pay
money to see him every time.
Side
Note: Rick Scaia of Online
Onslaught
describes WWE’s booking the best in his recent Hell in a Cell
recap: “…with
WWE's track record the last 10 years, it'll take them 24 hours to
turn all that interest and good will from the fans into bored
annoyance”
If
you’re not reading Rick’s recaps on OO, you should be.
Bubba
Ray Dudley
– Personally I think Bubba is one of the most valuable acquisitions
of the last five years. The tag team division is as hot as it’s
been since 2002 and they need veterans to help it not just stay that
way, but develop further. Right now New Day and the Dudleys could
Main Event a RAW and nobody would bat an eye. And they’d probably
give us one of the best MEs in recent memory. Note: Never forget that
Bubba had a credible #1 Contender run against HHH years ago.
Cameron
– I’m not even sure who this is.
Cesaro
– Another fantastic worker. He can talk and is possibly the best
in-ring worker WWE has right now. The crowd loves him to death and
hangs on his every move. I don’t know what magic convergence of
events creative needs to happen to get Cesaro to the next level, but
I’m hoping – along with every other WWE fan – that it happens
for the guy.
Charlotte
– Phenomenal talent. One of the best in-ring performers in the
company. Not bad on the mic. With experience I’m sure she’ll get
better. And she’s by no means bad – just getting comfortable, I
think. Plus, she exudes Champion. She’s elevating that stupid
butterfly belt, which is what a Champion should do.
Chris
Jericho
– Currently inactive, but worth mentioning because he used to be my
favorite wrestler and is now someone that I dread seeing because he’s
probably in a spot that I’d rather ten other guys be in. His talk
is stale, his in-ring work is serviceable at best, and he seems like
he doesn’t particularly care anymore. I wish this guy the best, but
I don’t care if I ever see him wrestle again.
Curtis
Axel
– Duller than dull, but there’s something I like about him. He
has the look and he’s solid in the ring, but he just does not have
“It”. Also a shame that the Hogan thing derailed his silly
Axelmania gimmick.
Damien
Sandow
– I love him as Damien Sandow. I’d be thrilled if they’d just
let him be Damien Sandow. While he’s great at the silly gimmicks,
he’s even better as that superiority complex guy. Now I’m halfway
expecting (dreading) him to turn up as Damien Sandudley to even out
the Xavier Woods factor.
Daniel
Bryan
– I hope that Bryan can combine his passion for the sport with good
decision making. And I hope that WWE goes out of their way to
facilitate this. Any joy I might get from seeing Bryan in the ring
again would be dulled if it was accompanied by the knowledge that he
was putting himself in peril of permanent disability or worse. We’ve
lost enough talents too early. Just today I got misty thinking about
Eddie Guerrero. People mock WWE for the “PG Era” or whatever, but
if it’s making things safer for the boys, I’m all for it.
Darren
Young
– Another guy that I have an inexplicable soft spot for. He and
Titus are a great team. I have no idea why they got bumped down from
the spotlight. The tag division should have plenty of room for the
Dudleys, New Day, the Prime Time Players, and more.
Dean
Ambrose
– Has a great future ahead of him as long as he can stay healthy.
Another natural that has “It”. I don’t like him as Reigns’
sidekick, though – let’s get this guy in his own program. And on
the mic more. Note: Enough with the middle rope clothesline. It’s
dumb and it makes your opponents look stupid.
Diego
– Los Matadores are fun. We need talented enhancement tag teams.
Eventually I hope to see them lose the masks and get serious. The
Colón boys could be great.
Dolph
Ziggler
– Dynamic, high-energy worker. I don’t buy his mic work. I feel
like there’s a good character struggling to break through whatever
act he’s doing right now. He needs to slow down in the ring and
find himself. Once he does, definite future Hall of Famer. He’s got
“It” in spades. He just seems a bit uncomfortable right now.
D-Von
Dudley
- Super hard worker that has a lot to teach the younger guys and
still a lot to give the industry. He doesn’t yell the whole time
he’s in the ring like Bubba (which I love and forgot to mention),
so D-Von isn’t as in-your-face good. But he’s damned good and
puts guys over like crazy.
El
Torito
– Exciting worker with a fun gimmick. Kids love him. My wife is
scared of him.
Emma
– Great since the heel turn. I found her intolerable before, now
I’m always interested when she shows up on TV. Not happy with her
playing second fiddle to fitness girl.
Erick
Rowan
– Intimidating big man that doesn’t work as a face. But his tag
work with Luke Harper was awesome and a big part of why we’re
getting such good tag wrestling right now.
Eva
Marie
– Awkward. Artificial. Not entertaining.
Fandango
– His gimmick got modified too many times. I like the guy, but he
needs something new.
Fernando
– See Diego. Ten years ago I could have told you which was which
and who the better worker was, but I’m not that guy anymore.
Goldust
– Future Hall-of-Famer for sure. One of the best workers in the
industry for the past two decades. Always entertaining, no matter
what he’s doing.
Heath
Slater
– Who says they don’t have enhancement talent anymore? Slater is
perfectly good as that.
Hornswoggle
– He’s good at what he does when there’s a reason for him to be
doing it. Note: I want to see Hornswoggle Dudley even less than I
want to see Damien Sandudley.
Jack
Swagger
– I truly like Swagger and want him to be the love child of Kurt
Angle and Charlie Haas, but he just never has been. I think my
feelings are best summed up by my reaction to his music hitting at
the HIAC PPV: Really? Oh, well.
Jey
Uso & Jimmy Uso
– I don’t know why I didn’t combine Los Matadores like this. I
guess because their names weren’t right next to each other. I love
the Usos. They’re old school, good time babyfaces that are mad over
with the fans. I look forward to their return and seeing how they
will impact the revitalized tag division.
John
Cena
– How can anyone still deny Cena? Not only has he spent most of
this year having consistently the best matches on the card, he’s
done it by putting over the likes of Owens, Zayn, Ziggler, and pretty
much the entire undercard. Sure he won those matches. But he’s been
the biggest superstar in WWE for a decade. Having a lengthy,
competitive match with him is better than beating any ten midcarders.
Note: Weird that the match with Del Rio wasn’t more spectacular.
But it sure was decisive.
Kalisto
– Absolute spitfire, a modern Rey Mysterio. I’m excited every
time he comes to the ring.
Kane
– I haven’t always loved Kane, but I do now. More than that, I
respect the heck out of him. He’s performed at a consistently high
level for almost twenty years now, always doing his best with
whatever he was given.
Kevin
Owens
– The most natural professional wrestler on the roster. Nobody
comes across more real than Owens. He’s fantastic in the ring and
on the mic – the ultimate storyteller in both areas.
King
Barrett
– Floundering. I can’t pretend to be interested in Barrett,
despite his solid mic skills and powerful ring presence. I feel like
there’s something there, and he definitely has talent. It’s just
rare that Barrett has been used in an interesting way.
Kofi
Kingston
– A fantastic and versatile performer that doesn’t get to do
enough and yet is a highlight of every show he’s on. Remember when
he brushed up against the Main Event in that feud with Orton’s
NASCAR car? As hot as Kofi is now, he has the potential to be hotter.
If WWE can get past the fact that he’s a smaller black guy, a World
Title run could happen in his future. It’s not always to see beside
the ridiculous antics of Xavier and Big E, but Kofi has tons of
charisma and charm waiting to be cheered.
Konnor
– I think this is the big one that actually looks like the gimmick
they were going for at first. I don’t mind these guys. They’re
solid in the ring. They just had the wrong gimmick. Hopefully teaming
up with Stardust will be fun.
Luke
Harper
– One of my favorite workers on the roster right now. He has had
great tag matches, great singles matches, and nobody else has a
presence like he does. His limited mic work has all been good. His
matches against Ambrose were awesome. The chemistry they had could
have carried them into the Main Event.
Mark
Henry
– He’s been abused just as badly as Big Show. It just hasn’t
affected his standing as much because he isn’t a giant, height-wise
and also because he’s played well with others in the past. Henry
has been part of some fantastic tag teams and that’s humanized him
in a way that Big Show hasn’t ever managed, despite his charm and
wit. I’d say Henry is still a valuable asset, but he should
definitely lose fewer matches.
The
Miz
– Sometimes he’s golden, sometimes he’s my least favorite
person on the roster. I don’t think I’ve ever see-sawed as much
on someone as I do on Miz. Right now I don’t care if I ever see him
again. Next week he might get involved in an exciting angle or turn a
phrase just the right way and I’ll be convinced they should put the
WWE Championship back on him. I don’t know what to do with this
guy.
Naomi
– I want to like her. I hate her entrance music. And as soon as
Sasha Banks hit the main roster she felt like second fiddle. She just
hasn’t clicked for me, yet.
Natalya
– Gorgeous and powerful. Loads of natural in-ring talent and
good on the mic. Very real and charismatic. Utilized for shit ever
since she debuted. Shame on WWE for what they’ve done with Nattie.
Neville
– Spot monkey. Of course, we all know he’s not
a spot monkey and that he can have brilliant matches and cut
effective promos. But on the main roster he’s just a spot monkley.
Nikki
Bella
– I have to begrudgingly admit that she is great at her character
and has had two very good matches in a row, though I think her
opponents should start legit beating her ass to make her fucking
sell. I’m sick of her prancing around after a hard-fought match,
no-selling her opponents’ efforts. The sooner her and her sister
are off my TV, the better.
Paige
– The best female superstar on the roster. Sick promos, amazing
in-ring. Always real, always impactful. Knows how to WORK.
R-Truth
– I love Ron Killings and I wish everyone knew the Killings that I
know – the man that legitimized the NWA World Heavyweight
Championship in TNA back in 2002. He was one of the best in the
company and cut some amazing, ground-breaking promos. He’s still
fun in the ring and seems happy with his spot in WWE, but I miss the
old, angry Truth.
Randy
Orton
– Artificial. I don’t and never have bought a single thing this
guy says or does. Every second he is on my TV seems like some kind of
act. I don’t buy his intensity, his rage, or his fan service. He
doesn’t hurt people and that, to me, is his sole positive
attribute. Otherwise I have zero use for him.
The
Rock
– He’s the fucking Rock. Next.
Roman
Reigns
– See Orton. Same words. Though I feel like Reigns can learn and –
more importantly – wants to. I get the feeling that he knows his
limitations and wants to improve, which is not a feeling I ever got
from the entitled Orton. I’m pulling for Reigns, for real. I just
hope they don’t push him too far before he can get the skills he
needs.
Rosa
Mendes
– She’s still around?
Rusev
– I want Rusev to succeed. Once he got out of doing nothing but
squashes he had some badass matches. And as far as I’m concerned he
doesn’t need a mouthpiece. His accent just adds to his character
and isn’t hard to understand.
Ryback
– I don’t care for his character, but he certainly has his place.
Every promotion needs a powerhouse meathead. And WWE has done a
surprisingly good job of keeping him from getting stale. He has just
the right kind of won/loss record to stay interesting.
Sasha
Banks
– Real deal. Great talker, smart worker with an astounding grasp of
how to work the crowd and how to fill the spaces in between moves.
Revolutionary.
Seth
Rollins
– So good it’s almost dull. And I mean that in the best possible
way. When Rollins cuts an amazing, weasely promo that makes me want
to see him get his face smashed in I’m like, “Well, yeah – it’s
Rollins”. When he has an amazing match that steals the show I’m
like, “Well, yeah – it’s Rollins”. He’s so
good
and it comes so
naturally
that you almost don’t give the guy credit for it. He’s the guy
that makes it look easy. You know how good he is, so it’s almost
like you unfairly expect more of him. “Oh, it’s just another
five-star match? Whatever.”
Sheamus
– Great look, dull as a butter knife. Him and Barrett together are
Team Nyquil, which makes it a damn shame that they’re the King of
the Ring and the Money in the Bank… uh… guy. No – I am not
entertained.
Sin
Cara
– Perfect partner for Kalisto. Not spectacular on his own, but
solid and fun to watch.
Stardust
– Electric. I feel a little bad that he’s essentially stuck with
his brother’s gimmick, but he’s so damn good at it. And I truly
believe that Cody will be able to transcend this character one day
and we’ll marvel over how he used to be this wacky villain.
Sting
– It’s a shame if we don’t get to see him compete again, but
that match with Rollins was awesome. He’s Sting. He goes into the
Hall of Fame and regardless of what he does from here on out, he had
one of the biggest careers in the industry. Even if he did spend that
last ten spinning his wheels in the indies.
Summer
Rae
– I don’t get it.
Tamina
– I’d love to see her used like Kong was in TNA, minus the
concussions. I hear she’s hurt people, though, so maybe not.
Titus
O'Neil
– I love Titus. He’s still a little shaky, comfort-wise, but I
think he’ll get there. Dude has charisma for days. One of the guys
I’m always happy to see on my TV.
Triple
H –
One of the all-time greats. No matter what you think, you have to
respect his love and knowledge of the business. And always remember –
NXT is what it is because of this guy.
Tyler
Breeze
– Excellent. I can’t wait to see what he does on the main roster,
but I’m terrified that they’re going to book him poorly. Starting
him off with Summer Rae was a bad call in my opinion. It’s removed
some of the ambiguity that made the character so interesting.
Tyson
Kidd
– In-ring talent on a whole other level. I hope he’s set for
life, whatever his health may be. He went through a lot to get to the
level of success he and Cesaro were at and it’s tragic that it
might be as big as he gets. He had the tools and the talent, I think.
The
Undertaker
– There will never be another. A bona fide sports legend.
Viktor
– Small Ascension guy. Seems to have talent.
Xavier
Woods, PhD
– It would be inappropriate for me to comment on how gifted a
close, personal acquaintance is and how I think once New Day (sadly)
runs its course the world will see exactly what this future Main
Eventer has to offer.
Zack
Ryder
– How can you not love this guy? What a work ethic!
Other
On-Air Personalities
Lana
– Nice to look at. Not sure how much else she has to offer.
Paul
Heyman
– The best manager in the history of the business, as well as the
best talker. Can control the crowd like nobody else.
Stephanie
McMahon
– Has really learned to play a character as face or heel. I like
her.
Zeb
Colter
– I’ve always felt he’s awkward and not particularly good at
turning a phrase. He feels like someone’s uncle that they pulled
off the street. I had no idea until he’d been around for a while
that this was Dutch Mantel.
Booker
T –
One of my favorite wrestlers. There was a time when he was good on
commentary. That time has passed.
Byron
Saxton
– At first I thought he was terrible, but he got good quickly.
Jerry
Lawler
– He’s so bad he makes me want 1998 Lawler back.
John
"Bradshaw" Layfield
– He, too used to be good. He still is on occasion.
Lilian
Garcia
– Sings the National Anthem better than anyone.
Michael
Cole
– Only one announcer is worse than Michael Cole, and that is Mark
Madden.
Renee
Young
– An absolute delight in everything she does.
Stone
Cold Steve Austin
– Makes up for his lack of interview skills with charm and honesty.
And by being Stone Cold Steve Austin.
This
ended up way longer than I anticipated because the roster is HUGE
right now! Come back next Monday for my thoughts on NXT.
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