There
are so many reasons that I’m glad I got my shit together and made
it to Schwarza-Panel Friday morning. It started the day off right, it
was a fun panel, and I had the opportunity to hang the Needless
Things banner pretty early on. But mostly it’s because this is my
third year in a row of doing panels with the awesome William Stout.
After
the panel I needed some food. I hadn’t eaten anything other than a
granola bar. This is not because I’m a bad planner, it’s because
the coffee maker in my room didn’t work. And no – I wasn’t just
going to have coffee. I had brought a bunch of prepackaged cups of
oatmeal and grits to eat for breakfast. That’s usually the toughest
meal for me to find time for at Con, and all you have to do is add
hot water to those and they’re good to go. I suppose I could’ve
called the front desk for a new coffee maker, but who wants to sit
around the room waiting for that?
Anyway,
Sean had come out for the panel so we decided to grab some food and
hit Artists’ Alley. I knew I might not make it to the Vendor Halls
this year, but I had to get over there and at least try to meet Babs
Tarr.
I
feel like this was a very good year for Artists’ Alley. There
seemed to be a lot more exciting, original art and somewhat less
“here’s another drawing of Batman” or “I glued a comic panel
to a bottle” type of stuff. There was plenty of interesting
sculpture and other forms of non-derivative creativity. Granted, I
still dig it when people draw or make stuffed animals of existing
characters (I bought two different Harley Quinn prints), but it’s
refreshing to see the occasional random-ass octopus or weird fairy
creature hanging around.
It
was while I was wandering the aisles that my eyes fell upon a curious
sign. A sign that read “poopbird”. I didn’t know what this
“poopbird” business was all about, but I knew that I had to
investigate. As soon as the crowd parted in front of me to reveal the
booth of “poopbird”, my eyes beheld the most wondrous sight that
I have ever seen at Dragon Con:
We’ll
get more into confused boners later when I recap The
Dirty Con Game Show,
but for now let me just say that poopbird
has created perhaps the ultimate in boner confusion. I loved this
thing. It was so appalling and ridiculous. I had to have it. I bought
that one and a different one for the missus.
Babs
Tarr wasn’t due back at her table for a while and I had a panel to
prepare for, so we made a quick run through the art auction. It’s
always fun seeing the pricier stuff and Kathleen David usually has a
display of puppets that I like to see. But this year there was
something very special in the back. A huge glass case with an
assortment of childhood friends displayed within.
Okay
– maybe that sounded creepy.
There
was a massive display from The Center for Puppetry Arts with Oscar
the Grouch, Kermit, Fozzy, and a number of other significant Muppets.
You could get just inches away from them and it was pretty powerful.
Unfortunately no photography was allowed, but if you want to see that
sort of thing in person I strongly recommend you visit the Center
in Atlanta. It’s well worth a day of your time.
The
stroll through the art auction represented the last of my free time
until 11 PM. I had the Toy
Stories
panel at 4 and then DCW at 7. There wasn’t as much time there as
you might think, though. Being the announcer for DCW meant I had to
get straight over to the Hyatt from the Marriott after the panel was
done. I needed to find out what the show was and get the card so I
could familiarize myself with the workers. Wrestlers come from all
over to work DCW, and I don’t know everyone. I don’t even know
all of the local boys.
Toy
Stories
was a blast (and you can listen to it here).
I had wanted to come up with a new and more interactive way of doing
a toy panel that could potentially travel around to different cons,
and I think that this was it. The panelists all had good toys and
stories and I think the audience had a fun time. Not as many people
brought toys as I had been hoping for, but we did get a few and they
were good ones. Overall it was so much more fun and less stressful
than other toy panels I’ve done. I look forward to the idea being
ripped off.
It
happens to me a lot.
But
that’s okay, because I’ve always got new stuff and as a great man
once said, “They try to walk my walk, but they just end up
fallin’”.
Side
Note: In order to manage your expectations, I’ll tell you that I’m
not doing a full DCW recap this year. There are a number of factors
involved, one of which is that last year’s was sub-par. Now that
I’m part of the show I just can’t do what I used to do.
I
forgot to bring a second mask for DCW, which irked me quite a bit. I
was okay wearing a regular mask for Toy
Stories,
but I had wanted to wear one of the new ones for wrestling. I like to
have a little extra razzle dazzle there.
I
won’t bore you with all of the pre-show stuff, but it was great to
see all of the boys again. I haven’t been around wrestlers since I
parted ways with Monstrosity Championship Wrestling and I had
forgotten the excitement and fun of the atmosphere backstage. There’s
nothing like the anticipation of a big show, and to me there’s no
show bigger than DCW.
The
show opened with a tribute to Tiny, who passed away earlier this year
and who I wrote about here.
Tiny started DCW all those years ago and has been a constant force in
bringing Con the very best wrestling. His wife, Kim, took the reins
this year and is an absolutely wonderful lady. I got to meet her
before the show and she couldn’t have been sweeter.
This
year every match was a tag match and most were part of a tournament
to crown the Dragon Cup Tag Team Champions. This was because Tiny
loved tag team wrestling. DCW is always magical, but there was
definitely something special this year. The boys worked their asses
off and as far as the audience was concerned they could do no wrong.
And honestly, they did no wrong. Every match kicked ass all over the
place, with the opener of Stryknyn and CB Suavé versus Darkstone and
Moseley setting the place on fire. The audience had been waiting all
year long for DCW action, and those guys delivered.
A
series of excellent matches ended with Iceberg and Tank (accompanied
by Reverend Dan Wilson) as the Tag Team Dragon Cup winners. That was
followed by a massive DCW battle royal featuring almost every
wrestler that was there that night. The action was fast and furious
and I knew my voice was going to be gone in the morning (bad news for
a guy with a game show the next night), but I didn’t care. I called
the match to the best of my ability and – with AJ’s help – I
think I called every elimination, even if I did have to make up the
occasional name (sorry, Luigi Titterson). After all, it’s how I got
the job in the first place. Sort of.
Before
I get any further and forget, I want to put over the difference maker
this year. The thing that allowed me to go as long as I went and kept
me energized and aware all weekend – a water bottle. I brought a 32
ounce bottle this year and kept it full of water at all times. I used
to rely on the water placed around Con, but a cup of water from time
to time in that situation does not cover your hydration needs. I was
drinking water constantly and I could tell the difference all weekend
long.
Okay
– I wasn’t drinking water the whole
time.
After DCW I went back to my room and filled up my trusty beer bag.
Fortunately for me Puppet Improv was in the Hilton, so I headed
straight downstairs.
Puppet
Improv is one of my favorite things at Dragon Con. It consists of a
group of performers – some puppeteers, some improv performers –
that get together to play Whose
Line Is It, Anyway-style
games using a pile of random puppets. It presents a fascinating look
at how puppetry works and how it is performed for television. Also it
is dirty and hilarious.
This
year’s show was hosted by Tyler Bunch, who has done too much for me
to list, but you can check him out here.
Among the performers were Mark Meer, Leslie Carrera-Rudolph, Raymond
Carr, Stacey Gordon, Mike Horner, and Pam Arciero. In short, this was
an insanely talented group of people and everybody in the room that
night should feel privileged to have been there.
There’s
another reason, too, but I’ll get to that.
Tyler
Bunch was a hilarious host. He had a warm rapport with the audience
and managed to select some real gems from the slew of suggestions
that were shouted every time he asked for them. He also had a talent
for explanation. Bunch thoroughly outlined the performance and each
game that was being played. I’ve always enjoyed Puppet Improv, but
I think this is the first year that it was broken down to the
audience just how much the show displays the performance aspect of
puppetry.
The
performers skillfully worked through several classic improv games, as
well as some that catered more specifically to puppeteering. The
audience was eating it up. As things seemed to be drawing to a close,
Tyler Bunch descended the stage, looking out at the audience.
And
then he stopped.
Right
in front of me.
Leaning
over the people in front of me, he said, “Hello, sir! What is your
name?”
“I
go by Phantom.” (I was so surprised it’s a miracle I didn’t
drop my real name)
“Well,
Phantom,” he continued, not finding my use of a pseudonym at all
odd, “Have you ever operated a puppet in front of a camera?”
“I
have not.”
“We’re
going to change that tonight.”
As
he said that last, my buddy the Grand Hoff was already taking the
beer out of my hand and moving out of my way.
Barely
believing what was happening, I followed Tyler Bunch up onto the
stage. Once I was on stage, Raymond Carr set me up with a microphone
(one of those with the battery pack that clips onto your shirt and
oh,
if only we’d had some of those the next night for the game show)
and before I knew it I was on stage with a live mic in front of maybe
five hundred people. Granted, I’ve been in similar situations
before, but never in such esteemed company and in front of so many
people.
And
never utterly unprepared for whatever was going to happen.
Leslie
Carrera-Rudolph brought me over to the puppet pile to select a
puppet. I was still in a bit of a daze. I didn’t know if I was
going to be selecting or what, but a few of the performers got
together to find me one of the easier-to-manipulate puppets. I got a
classy little pink fellow with a bow tie and rods in his arms. Your
basic Muppet-style guy.
Tyler
then took me over to the performance area. There was a camera on a
tripod with two monitors at the base, floor-level. Performers had to
look at the monitors to know what was appearing on the screen to
stage right that the audience was looking at. It was an extra step to
performing that I had obviously never dealt with before.
Side
Note: I’m not trying to sound like I’m some kind of performer
with all of this experience, but I have
performed in front of crowds a bit and I do feel like I have a
certain feel for it. Not like I’m amazing or anything, but I think
that I have a feel for audiences that you either have or you don’t.
And I for
sure
hadn’t ever done anything like live puppetry before. Though I
absolutely would again, given the opportunity.
The
sketch involved Tyler’s character interviewing my character for the
position of wasp herder. Leslie’s character was my cousin who was
trying to get me the job. Throughout the sketch Leslie did her best
to keep my puppet (and me) positioned properly, leading to an
absolutely hilarious repetition of, “Stand up straight!” (where
she would grab my elbow and forearm with the puppet on it and shove
it up higher) and “What’s that thing?” (where the top of my
head would pop into the bottom of the shot).
Obviously
Tyler and Leslie were fantastic, but I held my own and managed to get
some funny lines in while frantically trying to control my little
pink friend.
MY
PUPPET, PERVS.
I
was okay with the puppet’s mouth and left hand. I didn’t even
bother trying to control the right. I just left it dangling. Not
leaving anything unobserved, Leslie pointed this out and I claimed it
was due to bee stings, which I also blamed for my puppet’s
continual posture problems.
In
addition to trying to perform, I was also doing my best to live in
the moment. You don’t always know when magic is happening, but on
that incredible, lucky night I had the privilege of knowing. I was
savoring every word, every movement, every second of performing with
two of the most talented puppeteers on the planet. It was a blessing
and an honor and it’s one of my favorite things that’s ever
happened to me.
And
that’s the kind of stuff that happens at Dragon Con.
That
closed the show. Afterwards I thanked Leslie and Tyler profusely. I
also asked Beau if he had set that up and he had not.
I
called my wife as soon as I left the auditorium and told her what had
happened. She was very proud of me and happy for me. I told her I was
going to bed and I meant it. Nothing else any more amazing could
happen that night. But as I headed back to my room, I realized I was
way too wired to go to sleep. I wandered around for a while and ended
up in the Marriott watching a band play. I bought their CD, but I
haven’t listened to it yet because I feel like my judgment was
probably clouded by unadulterated joy. Also, who charges fifteen
bucks for a CD at Con? Calabrese is the best band I’ve ever seen at
Dragon Con and theirs are ten or less.
Eventually
I ended up back in the room and drifted off to sleep to dream of
puppets, wrestlers, and dirty, dirty game shows.
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