Batman (1966) Season one, Episode
21 "The Penguin Goes Straight"
Our story unfolds in the lobby of a
local playhouse, where a production has begun its intermission. But
what's this? Among the playgoers is none other than that capon of
crime, the Penguin, discussing the drama so far with a fellow patron
of the arts. Suddenly, an armed robbery is underway, carried out by a
gunsel wearing a mask that looks suspiciously like the Great Hoodoo
from Lidsville (a show that wouldn't be made for another five
years; hey, I just report the news, people). To the rescue
leaps an unexpected umbrella-toting vigilante, who shields himself
from a volley of gunfire with the bulletproof bumbershoot, and
quickly apprehends the ne'er-do-well by employing his penguin-like
reflexes.
Upon hearing news of this strange turn
of events, Commissioner Gordon is understandably gobsmacked. "You
mean to tell me, now even the whack-job criminals in this pissant
town are doing my department's job better than my own employees can?
Christ, I need a drink."
Since the Penguin's committed no crime,
and therefore his own cops can't beat the stew out of the guy (I
guess the GCPD's numbers were a little high in that regard for the
month), The Commissioner decides to call on that mysterious masked
man with the godlike disregard for due process, Batman.
Oh, my stars and garters! My entreaties
have finally been answered: they've developed some code-talk for
Alfred to summon Bruce to the Batphone when Aunt Harriet is present.
And it is glorious, my friends:
"Telephone call for you, sir.
It's a Mr. Rime; Mr. K. Rime."
Whew! I think I need a cigarette after
that.
As they wheel their way toward police
headquarters, the Dynamic Duo speculate about the genuine-ness of the
Penguin's reform. They reckon that if the robbery the Penguin
prevented was a ruse, the robber must be a confederate of some kind.
"Call the commissioner; have
him give that crook a grilling. We'll be there in time for the kill."
Whoa, Giuliani! Why don't you dial it back a little?
In a related note, I can scarcely think
of anything more adorable and less menacing than being interrogated
by Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara. Seriously, the chief has
never more closely resembled the Maytag Man then he does in this
scene. I really don't want to sully this interrogation scene by
describing it too much, because it is a comedy fucking masterpiece.
Suffice it to say, the crook faints at
the terrifying visage of the Bright Knight, thus depriving the forces
of law and order of the answers they so desperately seek.
After learning the Penguin was seen at
the exclusive Gotham Millionaires' Club, B&R speed to the scene,
only to find that a kidnapping attempt has already been prevented by
their erstwhile avian adversary.
Later, at the Penguin's newly-opened
detective agency, he discusses his long grift with his henchmen, Dove
and Eagle Eye. It's refreshing to see the henchmen's skepticism at
their boss' braggadocio regarding his imminent success; as they
sagely point out, Penguin has sung this same song before, and it's
usually their skulls that receive a walloping when he's wrong (maybe
it's time to go back to medical transcription school, fellas).
So, while Batman and Robin are
presumably engaged in a game of slap-and-tickle, Alfred risks life
and limb going undercover as an insurance photographer to get close
to the Penguin and the heiress he is protecting. But we learn that
Alfred has neglected part of his espionage assignment from the Caped
Crusader! How do we learn this? Why, courtesy of extremely wordy and
convoluted narration, of course! After his subterfuge is discovered,
Alfred makes an awesome daring escape, of the sort never made by
Batman and Robin.
As I understand it, Batman's brilliant
plan to smoke out the Penguin's true intentions is to break into the
heiress' safe, take her prized jewels, and replace them with fakes
containing a tracking device. So, at what point in this plan are B&R
NOT criminals?
And as it turns out, after engaging in
fisticuffs with the Penguin's associates charged with protecting the
jewels, The Dynamic Duo are labeled would-be thieves (quite
correctly, it would seem). At news of this development, a contrite
Commissioner Gordon rails against the media and an ungrateful public
(in other words, he becomes your grandpa who always says something
racist at the table at Thanksgiving).
The climax of the episode occurs at
Gotham Amusement Pier, host to a gala event to raise funds for the
Penguin's security service. As is tradition, the stock footage used
to portray amusement park action is stupefyingly mismatched to the
style of the rest of the episode.
And here's where the Penguin's plan
veers into that inappropriate level of escalation that we've
discussed before. After cold-cocking them with a cement-filled
umbrella (stay with me here), The Penguin's men string Batman and
Robin up behind the targets of the shooting gallery, where they've
replaced the popguns with real ones. Why, Penguin? Thanks to your
pretty-good-so-far plan, B&R are already on the lam from the law;
a simple phone call to 9-1-1 would ensure that the cops'll show up
and blow them away for you. Insisting on doing it yourself
seems like unnecessary showboating.
While I'm certain this will all go
south for the Penguin in a pretty big damn hurry, you'll still have
to wait till next episode to find out for sure.
Batman
(1966) Season One, Episode 22 – “Not Yet, He Ain't”
Well, for starters, the recap of the
episode that aired LAST NIGHT is roughly two-thirds the length of
said episode.
When last we left the Dynamic Duo, they
faced certain death at the hands of a lethal carnival shooting
gallery.
However will they escape? Well, by
lifting themselves up out of the line of fire, which almost anyone
not suffering from a debilitating handicap could do. After quickly
freeing themselves from the loosely-tied ropes binding their wrists,
B&R beat a hasty retreat, rather than wait for the Penguin to
show up and gloat. You may wonder why our heroes don't simply wait
around a mo, so they can immediately beat the tar out of Penguin and
his henchman. In answer, I would say: Well, that wouldn't be much
of an episode, now would it? Stop asking stupid questions!
Back at the BatCave, Robin expresses
his misgivings about having slunk away in a fashion most cowardly,
rather than stay to give the Penguin the thrashing he most assuredly
deserves.
"On what charge?" asks
Batman, apparently oblivious to the customs of the last 200 years of
U.S. law enforcement.
At police headquarters, Penguin demands
the GCPD take the Caped Crusaders' status as fugitives from justice
seriously, going so far as to accuse Commissioner Gordon of harboring
them. This clearly gets Chief O'Hara's (cheesy) Irish (accent) up.
Penguin decides to double down and prank-call Batman on the
commissioner's hotline, prompting the Bright Knight to promise an
appearance at Penguin's "protective agency" offices (but
first, he has Robin give the commish a phone call with Special
Instructions).
The Dynamic Duo decide to pretend
they've snapped and want to take the Penguin down, regardless of the
consequences. West and Ward's portrayal of "snapped" is
nothing short of delightful.
When the cops arrive, Batman and Robin
cheese it, only to be chased-, and eventually gunned-down by John Law
(who apparently see no problem with firing automatic weapons on a
busy city street in broad daylight; but that's neither here nor
there).
As the Penguin and his men take off in
the stolen Batmobile, Chief O'Hara and his men cover the lifeless
bodies of the Caped Crusader and Boy Wonder.
Later, on the TV, Commissioner Gordon
announces that, in spite of their later misdeeds, the Dynamic Duo
will be buried with full honors. Hmm. I'm beginning to think
something's fishy here (I mean, there are 98 more episodes of
this show). If this IS a ruse, then it's kind of a Dick Move on
Batman's part, especially given Alfred's extreme state of upset at
news of his employer's death.
O, frabjous day! Chief O'Hara asks
Commissioner Gordon to sign the requisition for 297 rounds of blank
ammunition. I knew they were faking it!
Courtesy of the hidden camera in the
Batmobile (which appears to be mounted on a "selfie stick"
protruding about two feet to the right of the passenger's door), B&R
observe, with increasing vexation, the Penguin joy-riding Batman's
whip around town to impress Sophia Starr.
It seems to work, as Sophia agrees to
marry the Penguin. In the subsequent scene, Penguin's henchmen (now
dressed in fancy wedding suits) do an accounting of the extravagant
gifts being lavished on the soon-to-be-newlyweds. Penguin arrives, to
make sure the bomb has been successfully planted in the Starr house's
plumbing (I am seriously in the weeds as far as understanding the
Capon of Crime's plan here, folks).
Once the bomb goes off, the ceiling
begins leaking, requiring the wedding guests to avail themselves of
the provided umbrellas (UPDATE: I still have no idea what the
Penguin's plotting here, except that, by the most convoluted means
possible, he's brought it around to some dippy umbrella-related
nonsense. Again).
Oh, what a surprise. The umbrellas are
rigged up to disorient the guests with showers of confetti and
low-grade explosions. In the confusion, the wedding gifts (which
technically belong to the Penguin anyway) are spirited away (another
UPDATE: Still not sure what the Penguin's up to).
Oh, NOW I get it; I guess I didn't
reckon it would be this stupid a plot.
Unluckily for the Penguin, having
purloined the Batmobile is no guarantee of a smooth getaway. Hot on
his tail, astride the Batcycle, the Caped Crusaders first eject the
henchmen (or unconvincing dummies thereof) by remote control. Then,
Batman decides to screw around with the Penguin a little bit, first
by remote control opening the doors on the Batmobile, then by taking
over the steering (his childlike glee at the thought of the Penguin's
distress is possibly a little unseemly).
But before caging the big bird, B&R
stop for a little light fisticuffs with the Penguin's henchmen (the
prelude to which highlights Robin's clearly superhuman sense of
hearing). Having made short work of those two middle-aged plug
uglies, the Dynamic Duo give the Penguin his comeuppance (FIGHT NOTE:
there seems to be an unusual amount of bullet-dodging in this
particular episode; just struck me odd, is all), and tie all three
crooks to the hood of the Batmobile like big game for the drive back
to town (the calamitous effects on Batman's driving visibility
notwithstanding).
In the epilogue scene, at GCPD
headquarters, the Penguin's erstwhile bride-to-be wonders if her love
and affection might be enough to make her felonious fiancé learn to
walk the straight-and-narrow. Trust me, honey: the only possible
outcome of that particular path is Keith Morrison narrating your sad,
tragic story on an episode of Dateline. Fortunately,
Commissioner Gordon wisely breaks her bubble by having the Penguin
brought in, so she can see his self-absorbed avarice for herself.
Even then, it is only the Penguin's insistence that he be dragged off
to prison rather than surrender his bachelorhood that puts the kibosh
on her deluded plans of fixer-upper-ness. FUN FACT: this is the first
Dickless (and Bruce-less) ending to an episode of the show.
#SameBatTimeSameBatChannel
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