It’s a great time
to be a Godzilla fan. Maybe the greatest time in my lifetime, behind
the mid-late 90’s boom that really exposed me to the Godzilla fan
community. For the longest time I thought I was literally the only
one in America that was a G-fan! Then, perhaps in anticipation of the
upcoming American Godzilla movie by Sony/Tri-Star, Godzilla blew up
in this country! You could walk into any Toys R Us or Wal-Mart and
find a wide variety of affordable, if ultimately flawed design wise,
toys representing Godzilla and his friends and foes, produced by the
now-defunct Trendmasters company. Better yet, you could find
specialty shops like Showcase Collectibles right in my backyard of
Badstreet, Atlanta GA, that dealt in imported Godzilla toys, posters,
movies and more. Walking into that place for the first time was
almost a religious experience for me.
Are you there, God? It's me. Johnny. You know, Johnny Danger? Master of the Dangerkick? WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO DISCOUNT?!
We all know how the
previously mentioned American movie turned out, and despite having
his next Japanese movie released in American theaters two years later
to a tiny profit, Godzilla faded away from our shores once again.
Specialty shops faded away as Yahoo Japan and eBay auctions became
the primary source for imported goods (and therefore caused
prices/value on said goods to plummet as they became more widely
available) Toho would produce five more movies between 2001-2004,
which were quietly released in the US on DVD, before retiring the Big
Guy “for good” after his 50th Anniversary film
“Godzilla: Final Wars” bombed both financially in Japan and with
fans worldwide. Despite rumors that Toho would revive the nuclear
leviathan in a few years, no indication was ever given that this
would become reality. In fact, the “Big Pool” where Toho filmed
the water scenes in their tokusatsu (special effects) films, was
drained and paved over.
Then, news broke
that a NEW American Godzilla film was being produced for release in
2012! It was a mix of “too good to be true” and “fool me once,
shame on you, fool me twice…” from fans, many of whom were still
reeling from 1998, where Devlin, Emmerich, and Matthew Broderick
proved to be the real Three Headed Monster that Godzilla just
couldn’t triumph over! 2012 came and went without a release, but in
2014, Legendary finally delivered “GODZILLA” to critical and
financial success, and a sequel was announced almost immediately,
currently set for release in 2018. US toy manufacturers such as NECA
and the US division of Bandai are once again producing Godzilla toys
for mainstream sale here in America. Godzilla has had several comic
book series in recent years from publisher IDW. The movie’s
success also seemed to light a fire under Godzilla’s creators at
Toho, as they have announced THEIR Godzilla shall return in 2016!
As we get closer to
that film’s impending release, I aim to review/recap every movie in
the series, but first, I thought I’d take on something less
ambitious, but no less fascinating, to start off with. Much like his
60 year film career, Godzilla has starred in a wide array of video
games of varying quality. Some of them were released only in his
native Japan (some of these, thankfully so) but many made their way
to the shores of the USA (Just as Godzilla did first for a brief
rampage in New York in 1968’s “Destroy All Monsters”!). I’ll
be telling you about them here, and ranking them from worst to first.
Here are the following criteria that must be met for a game to be
included on my list:
1 – I must have
actually played either the physical release or a perfectly
functioning ROM of the game.
2 – It has to be
an officially licensed game, not a ripoff (I’m looking at you, King
of the Monsters), or a fan game (Such as the incredibly ambitious
Godzilla: Daikaiju Battle Royale, which I suggest seeking out and
playing for the massive kaiju roster if nothing else)
I might have a
couple things to say about such games, or various cameos Godzilla (or
Godzilla inspired characters) have made in other games as random bits
of trivia in some of the shorter articles. I’ll also contribute
what I know about the games I have NOT been able to play. With that
said, let’s hold our nose and dive in, because we start with the
worst Godzilla game I have ever played!
Game: Godzilla 2:
War of the Monsters
System: Nintendo
Entertainment System
Release: 1991
Oh
dear.
The sequel to
perhaps the best known of all old school Godzilla games “Godzilla:
Monster of Monsters”, had a great title, and the box had fantastic
cover art (lifted from the art style poster of 1984’s
“Godzilla”/”Return of Godzilla”/”Godzilla: 1985”…yes
many Godzilla movies have multiple titles, it’s part of the fun!)
and, unfortunately, a game inside.
Best
part of the game.
Instead of the
sidescrolling monster bash of the original (which we’ll touch on
here later), Godzilla 2 was a turn based strategy game that did not
directly follow the plot of the first game, though a sequel was
implied in its ending. Most of the game is played on an ugly map
screen where you move your units around until they are in range to
attack the enemy units. That might be okay, if the actual combat was
fun, but it isn’t, due to one fatal flaw….
YOU DON’T PLAY AS
THE MONSTERS!
Surely if you’ve
read this far you’ve seen a Godzilla movie, or are at least
familiar with the concept, yes? Remember the legions of
definitely-not-toy jets, tanks, choppers and more that were deployed
against the rampaging monsters? Remember how well they did? This is
that, in game form. For some impossibly boneheaded reason, you play
as the human military in a Godzilla game, called WAR OF THE MONSTERS!
Jets, tanks, AA guns, radar cars, and the occasional super weapon
(Maser Tank, Super X), are all at your command, and sport 1-3 mostly
useless attacks until the monsters hit them and they die, and you die
a little more each time, too.
Ah yes, the actual
combat. Perhaps you are thinking if you are quick enough and observe
the monsters’ attack patterns you will be able to eventually deal
enough damage and take them down? Well then, you are obviously not
smart enough for THIS game, because that’s not how things work in
Godzilla 2. Instead, combat is played out RPG style. You select from
a list of attacks, such as “GUN” “BOMB” or “SPITEFUL
SELF-URINATION” and whether your attack hits or misses, and the
damage it does, is determined by the result of a slot machine.
A FUCKING. SLOT.
MACHINE.
Hey
kids! It's not just an awful game, it's your introduction into the
wonderful world of gambling! Also, those symbols mean two things are
going to happen when you fire that laser; Jack and Shit, and Jack
just left town.
Go ahead and guess
if the computer AI will be fair as you attempt to destroy it. Also, a
jet and Godzilla seem to be the same size, and Godzilla can throw
fireballs out of his armpit as an attack.
HaDON'Tken!
Sure, why not?
Logic has no place in Godzilla 2. The music is equal parts addictive
and horrible. Monster roars are non-existent. The game has a handful
of “scenarios” you can play in any order, which have varying
difficulty ranging from “Well, that’s impossible” to
“GODSHITDAMN THIS GAME HAS TO BURN NOW!!!!”. The enemies and
available playable units change in each scenario. Oh, I forgot, you
can play as two monsters, Mothra and her larva, if you find and
protect her egg long enough, in certain levels, but you’ll want to
put a gun in your mouth long before THAT happens. Enemy monsters
include Baragon, the tunneling dinosaur with flame breath first
introduced in “Frankenstein Conquers the World”, the giant
pteranodon and Godzilla’s on again-off again ally Rodan, Hedorah
the Smog Monster, King Ghidorah the three headed dragon from outer
space, a UFO, Mothra if you fail to woo her to humanity’s side, and
Godzilla himself. An interesting note is that before this game was
announced, advertisements were spotted for an upcoming NES game
titled “Rodan”. The popular theory is that a game based on Rodan
alone wouldn’t sell well, so the Godzilla name was added to the
title, but I don’t believe it has ever been confirmed that Godzilla
2 is what Rodan was planned to be.
There are some neat
little bits and pieces to be found. Each monster must be dealt with
in a certain way. Baragon tunnels underground when wounded and you
have to search for him with a radar car, Godzilla can be lured by an
atomic bomb (But if he should reach it, or the player detonates it
out of spite, the game is over. I suggest spiteful detonation.) and
so on. I hate this game.
Look,
Godzilla 2, if I wanted social commentary from a crappy
twenty-something year old game, I'd be playing Bad Dudes.
PROS:
1 – You can turn it off and play another game.
1 – You can turn it off and play another game.
CONS:
1 – You’re
playing this one.
2 – Can’t play
as the monsters
3 – Totally random
combat.
4 - Despite being
called "Godzilla 2" it does not follow up on the first NES
Godzilla game in the slightest.
Fun Fact: After
hearing this game was coming out in an issue of Nintendo Power, I
never saw it on store shelves. I finally found it for rent at a
grocery store in their game rental section. I begged and pleaded and
cried for my Mom to get a rental membership so I could take it home,
ON A SCHOOL NIGHT, which violated all sorts of protocol. Soon after,
I begged, pleaded, and cried for the game to go away forever.
From the minute I pressed "Start", Big Guy.
Don’t worry, it’s
all uphill from here.
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