Batman
(1966) Season 1, Episode 17 – “True or False Face”
Jeezum
crow. I WAS going to talk about the tendency among Gotham city's
criminals to engage in the counter-intuitive step of publicly
announcing their crimes, but I've been successfully sidetracked by
this princess' "foreign accent," which is a crime against
elocution that simply cannot go unanswered. Bitch, I hope your crown
gets "shtolen"...
Looks
like I'm in luck! The princess' escort turns out to be the infamous
False Face, who evaded detection in his clever disguise of a fake
plastic van dyke on top of his normal fake plastic mask (did I
mention that two of Gotham's top cops, including Chief O'Hara, are in
the room? Cuz that seems kind of relevant to mention at this
juncture). To make the Chief's humiliation all the more complete,
False Face and his terrible-actress confederate make their getaway by
stealing a GCPD van (Harvey Bullock would never put up with this
tomfoolery; on Gotham, the next scene would've been Bullock at
the ER, having pieces of plastic mask removed from his fist).
Oh,
snap! Turns out False Face's van is ALSO a master of disguise. Better
luck next time, O'Hara.
"A
ramble in the woods?" That's your excuse for leaving the
house this time, Bruce? Remember that Brokebackian tipping-point I
mentioned a few episodes back? I think we've clearly crossed that
Rubicon; there's no conceivable way that Aunt Harriet DOESN'T think
that Bruce and Dick are getting it on.
"Guest
Villain: ? as False Face" HA! Good one, show.
I
love the messenger who shows up at police headquarters: "Are
you Batman, sonny?"
"I
am."
"I
was just wondering, because when I was a lad, Batman only showed up
at night." (okay; it's possible I made that last bit
up)
In
the process of parsing out his latest clue, B&R remind us that
False Face "always says the opposite of what he means."
So, False Face is actually Bizarro? That am perfectly straightforward
writing, and not stupid gimmick at all.
Batman
removes the hat from the elderly messenger, revealing False Face's
accomplice, the sexy Blaze (seriously; a half-second ago, she was a
visibly grizzled old man). To Blaze's credit, she immediately makes a
daring, kick-ass escape from police headquarters (with the help of a
well-placed slide whistle). AND the airbag she makes a safe landing
on after jumping out of a second-story window has the giant initials
"F. F." emblazoned on it. That is a sick burn, False Face;
advertising your forthcoming crime spree is probably not gonna work
out in the long term, but you clearly win on style points.
Back
at False Face's lair, we are treated to the revelation that Blaze is
not actually a blonde. MASTER OF DISGUISE! I like that False Face has
no illusions regarding the insincerity of his henchmen's approbation;
is this a level of insight attributable to his own false nature?
Hmmmm...
Note
to self: Batman dialing a full seven-digit number on a rotary
phone needs to be made into an animated .gif, STAT.
Upon
receiving the news that the Dynamic Duo will do everything in their
power to prevent his armored car from being stolen, the president of
the armored car company proclaims, "Bless you, Batman. Every
law-abiding citizen of Gotham City goes with you today in spirit."
"And
if it were possible, in body," pledges his star-struck
secretary. Now, looking past the UNBELIEVABLE SEXISM of that bit of
writing, I would simply admonish this young lady to keep it in her
pants when she's on the job.
And
how do our heroes deduce that False Face is disguised as one of the
armored car drivers? Simple: He parked in front of a fire hydrant
(the fiend!). In some ways, that little bit of business
encapsulates perfectly the ethos of this show; and helps explain why
I love it so, more than 40 years later.
I
believe this is the first outdoor fight scene of the series. (An
aside: In case I hadn't mentioned it, one of False Face's henchmen is
a little person; kudos to the show for not using his stature as an
excuse for a cheap gag) At its "conclusion" (the scene is
kind of all over the place, honestly), False Face drugs and abducts
Chief O'Hara, in full view of half a dozen other cops and (I think)
Batman and Robin.
Can
I just say that False Face's plan to disguise himself as Chief O'Hara
is a TERRIBLE idea? The minute he displays, even accidentally, the
slightest aptitude for being a cop, the jig's going to be up; they
will totally know he's not the real deal.
Meanwhile,
back at the Batcave, the Dynamic Duo, through use of the Batanalyst
(which, despite its name, is NOT a psychiatric professional retained
for the purpose of helping Bruce and Dick figure out why they insist
on running around in broad daylight in their underpants), determine
that False Face's plan is to counterfeit money (because he's a big
fat faker; GET IT?).
Hey,
Official Bank Note Printing Company? Nothing screams "nothin'
to see here" like a sign that reads "Top Secret!"
in big red letters. Blaze, of course, shows up at the bank-note paper
warehouse (sporting FABULOUS purple hair; now do you see why I dye
mine?) to overcome the hapless night-shift worker and haul away
the goods. Aw, come on, Robin: Don't hang the little person up from a
hook on the wall (my mother hung me from a hook once. ONCE.).
Blaze
is now my spirit animal. The way she plays B&R during their
interrogation of her is a thing of beauty. She successfully convinces
them to take her along as they go to find False Face. Next thing you
know, WHAM! It's the old "talk Batman into getting a candy bar
for you out of the gimmicked-up vending machine" (apparently,
Bats learned nothing from his last encounter with the Joker) trick.
Well,
dang. As Batman and Robin are glued down to the train tracks to meet
their end courtesy of hot locomotive action, Blaze expresses her
regret that it's gone this way, and asks for Batman's forgiveness.
>sigh< We could've been so happy together, Blaze; if only you
hadn't lost your nerve.
Batman
(1966) Season 1, Episode 18: "Holy Rat Race"
When
last we left the Caped Crusaders, they were shrink-wrapped to a train
track, and about to be plowed under by the 4:10 Penelope Pureheart
Special. How'd they make their daring escape? Well, I just watched
it, and I STILL have no fucking idea. Best to move on (but I will
note, as with last episode, they apparently couldn't even afford
stock footage of a subway train to insert here).
Meanwhile,
False Face threatens Blaze for her supposed treachery, as he lounges
about in a silk kimono and father Guido Sarducci mask (don't ask me
to explain, folks; I am but a humble chronicler of events).
Happily,
Chief O'Hara has escaped from where False Face failed to leave him
for dead.
"That's
why I'm concerned about Batman and Robin."
Commissioner
Gordon: "The Caped Crusaders?"
No,
Commish, the OTHER Batman and Robin. >facepalm< Sigh. I am
THIS close to reaching the conclusion that Commissioner Gordon has
EXACTLY the police force he deserves.
B&R
are in the Batcave, watching TV (helpfully labeled "Television";
I'm beginning to think they have an ongoing gas leak, what with all
the labels on everything). Later, the Bright Knight grills the
president of the local NPR station over the mysterious broadcast that
saved his and Robin's lives. "I don't think we should take
religion lightly," he proclaims. I'm with you on that, Bats:
At least half the nuts you've gotten locked up in Gotham State
Penitentiary claim that "God made me do it." But tackling
the root causes of crime is anathema to everything Batman stands for,
so I'll stop digressing.
After
some stunning, sparkling repartee on how radio advertising is paid
for (False Face's gal Blaze paid for the radio announcement with a
check? Who does she think she is, Jerry Springer?), The Dynamic Duo
head back to police headquarters. There, they piece together False
Face's plan: to replace the money in Gotham National Bank's vault
with counterfeit bills, thus rendering account holders' funds
worthless (of course, this is before the US dropped the Silver
Standard, so I GUESS this was kind of a legit concern...?).
"Is
Batman capable of 'out-falsing' False Face?" asks the
narrator, plaintively. Well, False Face successfully disguises
himself as the guard outside the vault, while Batman successfully
disguises himself as a giant pouf in a Halloween costume, so draw
your own conclusions.
Wow,
if you could actually cut through the bars on a bank vault with what
is basically a Dremel tool, I would rob banks ALL THE TIME. Just
sayin'. After that, FF's wily criminal gang manage to squeeze through
the holes in the bars, and cut the cord to the electric-eye sensor (a
cord that is easily reachable from outside the bars, but that's none
of my business tho >sips tea<). Important note at this
juncture: this part of the daring bank heist takes four guys about as
long as it would take two burglars in the real world to completely
clean out a three-story townhouse. Time is money, gentlemen. I also
have to question the logic of using explosives to enter a bank vault,
when your goal is to surreptitiously replace the money. But whatevs.
"We're
rich, False Face; rich beyond the dreams of avarice!" Well,
I for one am glad to see that Gotham City's criminal class are taking
time to avail themselves of the continuing-education opportunities
afforded by Gotham Community College. Good on them!
Turns
out it was a carefully-laid trap by the Dynamic Duo; fisticuffs
ensue, joined by the finest men of the GCPD (Chief O'Hara's efforts
to subdue a little person are PRICELESS). In the confusing melee,
False Face makes his escape, all the while plotting to lead Batman
and Robin into a trap (Spoiler Alert: This "trap" is
probably going to suck).
I
hate being right all the time. That trap WAS pretty goddamned
worthless. Seriously; the only reason it takes Batman fifteen seconds
to get out of it is an appalling lack of shutting up while doing it.
Wait
a minute, False Face. You mean to tell me that your early 60s Dodge
cargo van had rocket launchers this whole time? Seems to me you could
have solved this whole B&R problem WAY earlier; talk about
burying the lede...
Psych!
Turns out False Face RPG'd a fake Batmobile (inflatable, even). False
Face tries to make a getaway on motorcycle; but, thanks to the
fleet-footed work of (seriously middle-aged) stuntmen, Batman and
Robin soon bring him in, despite a bewildering(ly stupid) variety of
desperate disguise attempts.
The
final scene, at Stately Wayne Manor, happens an indeterminate period
of time after the rest of the episode (a fact the show doesn't bother
mentioning), and features Aunt Harriet introducing the newly released
and reformed Blaze to Bruce and Dick. Alas, the stem really is
off the rose for Blaze and I.
>sigh<
Better
to have loved and lost, I suppose.
#samebattimesamebatchannel
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