As our story begins, the white
cheerleading squad, the white basketball team, and the incredibly
white Dick Grayson are all engaging in various forms of activity in
the school gymnasium (it bears mentioning at this juncture that I
feel no guilt over being aroused by the sight of these cheerleaders,
because there's no chance they're not WAY legal). The cheerleaders
decide to take a break, and enjoy some refreshing milk from the milk
vending machine conveniently located in the gym; when they insert
their dimes, instead of wholesome refreshing dairy goodness, the
girls instead receive a stack of silver dollars (oooooh! Does your
nefariousness know no bounds, Joker?).
Naturally, this is a matter for the
police, I guess...? (just go with it) On the other hand, kudos to
Commissioner Gordon for immediately recognizing this as the handiwork
of the Joker; if I didn't already know the title of this installment,
I would've totally thought it was the beginning of the Two-Face
episode that we never got on this show.
Interesting. As Commissioner Gordon
rises to call Batman (as one does), I see something I never noticed
before: the commish has a pair of handcuffs on his belt (given what a
committed desk-jockey Gordon is, there's no way this is not a sex
thing).
Meanwhile, at Stately Wayne Manor,
Bruce Wayne is rebuffing the biannual exhortations from Gotham's
business elite to run for mayor ("Oh, you don't want ME in
charge of this town, buck-o. My first campaign promise would be Free
Galoshes For Everyone. Why? Because the streets would run red with
the blood of the guilty." j/k, you guys! His actual response
was some slice of milquetoast about wanting to focus on the Wayne
Foundation's charitable works. But whatevs).
"Someone has struck at Woodrow
Roosevelt High." I really hope one of those books on that
wall behind you is a dictionary, Commissioner Gordon; because I'm not
sure you quite get what the word "struck" means (I have
never in my life received silver dollars in a manner that made me
feel particularly assaulted).
Batman races to police headquarters,
where he reads the dossier the crack typing pool of the GCPD (hey,
SOMEbody in that department has to not be an incompetent boob; it's
just the law of averages) has assembled: "Joker, released
from jail one week ago,…" Yeah, I think I found your
problem, Gotham City. I'm no advocate of mandatory minimum
sentencing, but as a general statement of philosophy, I would say
that if you've got the Joker in custody, your best bet is probably to
KEEP HIM THERE.
After a phone conversation with the
wormiest high school principal in the history of film or television,
the Caped Crusader speeds toward Woodrow Roosevelt High. Meanwhile,
student body president Dick Grayson is holding an impromptu meeting
with his fellow student leaders; it is here that I learned I will
never ever again make fun of Burt Ward's performance on Batman:
Compared to his peers in the scene, he's clearly the Dustin Hoffman
of this show.
Wait… Batman's parking outside of a
designated, marked parking space? What kind of example is he setting
for the kids? They're already pretty mixed-up in the head, what with
the Joker's gimmick vending machines dispensing all-but-free money
("what's the point of studying if we can just get free stuff
in life?").
So, by this time, you may have noticed
only oblique references to the Joker; I haven't talked about him
directly at all. Well, that's only because HE HASN'T SHOWN UP YET,
almost halfway into the episode.
But I digress. "Stay back,
kids. Robin's not here right now; and if any of you touch my car, you
won't be either."
"Meanwhile, at a fashionable
little bistro…" a jukebox rigged up with a shotgun is holding
the customers at bay while the Joker's henchmen rob the place. Marry
me, Joker. I can't tell you how many times I've been in line
behind someone at a jukebox, seeing the selections they're making,
and wishing I had a shotgun ("I'll 'Achy Breaky' YOUR heart,
buddy!").
Batman gives the high school student
council a quick slideshow about the malefactor who's been altering
their vending machines, showing the Joker's various clever disguises
(NOTE: All the "disguises" shown still involve him being a
guy with chalk-white skin and green hair, so be on the lookout).
Then, from behind the projection screen Batman JUST SET UP, emerges
the Joker (seriously; the Joker should totally try to get on Penn
& Teller: Fool Us, because that's a pretty goddamn good
trick)!
Whoa! So, in Gotham City, the penalty
for "Loitering on school property" is a $5000 fine, and
five years in jail? Sheesh, with a police state like that, it's no
wonder the criminals in this town are all batshit crazy (pun
COMPLETELY intended). I love how the Joker jailhouse-lawyers his way
out of getting arrested; stick it to The Man, Mister J.!
Back at the Joker's hideout, sweet
Susie shows up, fresh from her cover as a high school student. At
first I thought she was the Joker's girlfriend; but I'm happy to
report she wants no part of his tomfoolery, or that of his
stupidly-named gang, the Bad Pennies. All Susie cares about is
getting paid; GOOD GIRL. Apparently, what she stole for the Joker is
a crib sheet for upcoming exams...?
Dick, honey? You're wearing the Robin
costume while doing homework. Again. I'm CERTAIN that we talked about
this before, sweetie; we're really starting to worry about you.
So, it turns out that Susie is doing
all the heavy lifting RE: the gimmicking of the high-school vending
machines. AND, she leads Batman and Robin to the booby-trapped
machine that captures them. Tell me again what she even needs the
Joker for in all of this.
Okay, I guess a pair of electric chairs
rigged to the outcome of a slot machine IS pretty Jokerific after
all. And, I have to say, this episode's deathtrap being deliberately
dependent on a game of chance is a VERY comic-book touch; I love it.
Batman
Season 1, Episode 16 – “He Meets His Match, The Grisly Ghoul”
When last we left our heroes, they were
poised to receive a 50,000-volt payout from an infernal slot machine.
However will they survive? Oh… an impossibly well-timed citywide
blackout? Sure, why not?
"A mobile slot-machine torture
van? Why, to be in possession of such a vehicle violates seventeen
separate statutes." Commissioner Gordon's extremely
troubling pronunciation of the word "mobile" aside, it
seems as though he could be focusing on other things; what with the
power being out in his entire city and all.
Luckily, thanks to the SOVIET-ERA
NUCLEAR POWER PLANT THAT POWERS THE BATCAVE, the blackout won't
prevent the Bright Knight from analyzing his surreptitious recording
of the Joker's voice disguise gloating. Thanks to the Batcave's
super-scientific anti-crime whozawhatsis, B&R figure out that
head cheerleader Susie is also a member of the Joker's gang.
This revelation gives rise to a plan:
Dick Grayson (who Susie already knows, remember) is going to go
undercover as a bad boy to try and join her in the Joker's gang. The
execution of this plan is exactly as hilarious as you think it is;
The handsome, clean-cut Burt Ward, swimming in a way-oversized
leather biker jacket, wearing riding gloves and shiny, shiny dress
shoes, is almost too endearing to make fun of. ALMOST. It is to the
show's credit that the Joker's henchman isn't fooled by this ruse for
an instant.
As the Dynamic Duo race toward the trap
that the Bad Penny pointed Dick toward, the Joker and his goons
ponder how to deal with the loose end that is Susie. The Clown Prince
of Crime gives her a bottle of "Canadian perfume" called
"One Endless Night," that she should only open after she's
completed her final vending machine modification at the high school.
The fact that Susie uncritically accepts this obviously-lethal gift
kind of brings her stock down a few points in my eyes.
So, remember the shotgun-festooned
jukebox from last episode? Yeah. Well, it appears the GCPD didn't
haul it in for evidence, or even bother to unplug it. After
protecting himself and the Boy Wonder from the shotgun blast with the
Bat Shield (as opposed to, say, simply stepping outside the shotgun's
40° shooting radius), Batman takes out the jukebox with a tiny
little grenade. Alas, I don't think he realizes that he's just hit
upon the solution to most of his day-to-day problems (which, from the
producers' standpoint, I kind of understand; if Bats did start
cutting through Gordian knots with tiny little grenades, it would cut
the repeat appearances of Guest Villains waaaay down).
Okay, Robin: When Batman tells you that
the Joker's next likely step is to bump off Susie, don't you think
exclaiming "Holy murder!" is a little on the
nose?
Anyhoo, it looks as though the big
showdown is going to happen during that night's basketball game
between Woodrow Roosevelt High School and (not making this up) Disko
Tech. Yeah, let that sink in a minute.
At last! Ten minutes before the end of
the second episode, we finally find out what the Joker's really up
to: Apparently he's going to rig a high school basketball game, and
clean up by bidding on the outcome with bookie "Pete the Swede"
(how do you even get a nickname like that?). His strategy for fixing
the game is appropriately convoluted: Have the gimmicked-up milk
machine dispense a sheet with the answers to the "Nationwide
College Entrance Exam"; and then, snap a photograph of the
Woodrow Roosevelt basketball team holding the sheet, sure to result
in their being barred from play (leaving only the helpless scrub
squad to face Disko Tech).
Well, that's a bummer. Turns out the
climactic fight with the Joker and his gang is going to happen in an
empty gymnasium; more's the pity.
In the final
scene, Susie (whose life was saved by B&R, conveniently
off-screen) is preparing to leave Stately Wayne Manor, where she's
apparently been living for some undisclosed amount of time since the
last scene, to begin her stay at the "Wayne Foundation for
Delinquent Girls." Jesus. Bruce and Dick, under the same roof as
a sexy teenage girl?
I can't even, you guys. I just can't.
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