I was
really into cryptozoology when I was a kid. I checked out every
single book on the subject that my elementary school had available.
There were ones devoted to the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, the Yeti,
and aliens. But there were also larger volumes with multiple entries
to include the lesser-known cryptids – the Jersey Devil, the
monster of Lake Champlain, the Moth Man, and of course the Goat Man.
Aliens
are my own personal hell. But as often happens I realize that this is
a subject worthy of its own post, so I’ll get back to that. For the
purposes of today’s creepy toy review I am referencing another
creature that made young Phantom more than a little uneasy – Goat
Man.
Not
everybody knows about Goat Man. I read about him in one of those
larger books that featured an assortment of creatures. I don’t
remember the locational specifics, but Goat Man is a humanoid with
the head and legs of a goat and the body and arms of a human. He
hangs around heavily-wooded, rural roads and jumps onto passing cars,
attacking them with an axe.
I don’t
know what about this struck a chord with me, but Goat Man was one of
the cryptids that really freaked me out (not nearly as much as
aliens, but enough). We used to drive up to North Carolina on a
pretty regular basis and we would often still be on the roads at
night. My dad liked to vary our routes because the drive was long and
kind of boring and a change of scenery helped keep things
interesting.
This
meant we were often on heavily-wooded, rural roads.
I have a
very specific memory of cowering in the back seat of our full-size
van as we made our way down a dark road. Trees were thick on either
side of the thoroughfare, to the point that the branches touched
overhead, creating a canopy. It was the exact
kind of road that Goat Man hung around. I do believe that the tales
of Goat Man originated in the Northeast or Midwest – somewhere far
from the hills of North Carolina – but young Phantom had no problem
believing that Goat Man could travel. Or, even worse, that there
might be more than one Goat Man.
I think
once we got to my grandparents’ house I asked my mom if we could
avoid back roads and stick to highways in the future. I never would
have asked my dad about this. But I’m pretty sure that after that
trip we took the highway. I think Mom had a little Goat Man anxiety,
too.
Goat Man
was Mattycollector’s touring Exclusive for 2014, like Strobo
and the Temple of Darkness Sorceress before him. Goat
Man is from a Masters of the Universe Golden Book, yet another
continuity that has nothing to do with the other Masters continuities
of the 80s. I have never read this book and until the lunatics that
inhabit the MattyCollector forums started talking about Goat Man I
had never heard of the character.
Once I
heard that there was a Goat Man in MOTU I was excited. To have an
action figure that is representative of my childhood fears would be
awesome! I love it when my toys have specific personal attachment
beyond just looking cool or being a character I like. There is a
deep, visceral connection to the concept of Goat Man. Except that the
Masters Goat Man looks absolutely nothing
like Goat Man. Or a goat man. Or anything having to do with goats
whatsoever except that maybe he might eat goats, I guess?
I mean,
those aren’t even goat horns.
Until I
had this guy in hand I wouldn’t have classified him as a
particularly creepy toy. But as soon as I saw him up close I knew he
would be perfect for 31 Days of Halloween. Goat Man is creepy as
fuck. Despite being not the least bit goat-ish.
Oh, and
nowadays I have a lot more sheep anxiety than goat fear. Sheep are
fucking creepy, man.
FIRST
GLANCE
I
think the fact that the rest of the figure is kind of stupid looking
makes his evil demon devil head even creepier, somehow.
PACKAGING
There
simply isn’t anything more to be said about the MOTUC packaging. I
love it. I’m glad they never changed it.
This
biography is equal parts depressing and bugfuck crazy.
First
of all, the name “Klacky” is stupid. The real names seem to be
getting worse as the line goes on. I’m glad it’s ending next year
before we can get to anything mortally embarrassing like “Booby
Sugar” or “Yim Yab”.
Goat
Man’s story is just awful because he’s a slave that never gets
redemption. Just as it looks like he might finally escape Beast Man’s
rule (by dying), he falls through an inconveniently located time
portal (because apparently those things are just carelessly scattered
across Eternia) into the future where Old Man Beast Man enslaves him
again.
LOOKS
For
a sad sack character, Goat Man has a terrifying evil devil face. This
guy does not look like somebody who would be easily subjugated.
The
head sculpt is very good, but the left horn on mine is warped out of
place because Mattel used soft plastic. The depth of the rings on the
horns gives them a lot of character. The heavy brow looks good. The
severe underbite looks great. And I love the black eyes with red
irises.
Goat
Man has new thighs, forearms, and torso armor. The strap things on
the thighs are extremely weird. I have no idea what’s supposed to
be going on there. They are sculpted well and match the design on the
torso armor which is, of course, poorly designed and makes the figure
look fat. And also render him unable to put his arms down by his
sides. Of all the ongoing sins that Matty has committed in the line,
this is one of the worst.
The new forearms have sort of technological
looking wristbands, which don’t really make sense but have a nice
coat of metallic paint to compliment the shoulders of the armor. The
studs on the strap portion of the armor also have a metallic hue and
stand out nicely.
The
rest of Goat Man is purely standard issue. If the 4 Horsemen hadn’t
been beholden to such a stupid design this character could have been
really awesome. I would’ve put this head on the Beast Man body and
made the whole thing either off white or maybe even black.
ACCESSORIES
Goat
Man comes with a big-ass hammer and the mini comic version of the
Staff of Avion.
The
hammer is awesome. It’s sturdy plastic and has great paint. Not
only is the wrapping on the haft painted, but all of the metal parts
have a wash that suggests wear. This is honestly one of the best
looking accessories from the whole line. The sculpt is so clean and
angular. It just looks awesome. I’m pretty sure somebody else is
going to end up with this thing.
The
Staff of Avion is also awesome. Obviously I love the green
translucent parts, but it has a nice bit of paint as well. And Mattel
– bless them – realized this time that we might actually want to
have Stratos hold
the staff instead of just leaning it into his hand. So it has a
handle built onto it. Granted, this handle looks stupid, but at least
the bird man can hold the thing.
Not that you’d want him to because
it doesn’t match his deco at
all.
FUN
I
had a little more fun with Goat Man than I have with some other
recent figures. The hammer is awesome and I enjoyed looking for poses
to distinguish him from the rest of the humanoids and make him a bit
more animalistic. I ended up sticking with pretty much the same pose
that I used for Beast Man at first, but that’s okay because Beast
Man is riding the Griffin now.
OVERALL
I
dunno. I was really excited about Goat Man because of all the stuff I
said in the intro, but now that I’ve got him he’s pretty lame. I
might try to find an alternate body for him. If somehow we end up
getting the red Beast Man I will definitely put this head on that
body.
I
can’t really recommend this guy. Not for the price. If you find him
for ten bucks somewhere he might be worth having as a novelty, but
compared to the rest of the Masters Classics he’s a bit of a turd.
He isn’t done poorly, he’s just a bad design. Or cool elements
saddled with bad design choices, which is sort of even worse.
3
out of 5
Preferably
go and find one on Amazon and help ol’ Phantom pay the bills around
this joint:
Of course, that's a lot of money for a figure I don't recommend buying. I dunno.
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