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Even superheroes dream about Underoos. |
It
has been brought to my attention that Underoos are back. This is a
situation that cannot be properly addressed through a social media
comment. I need a venue with a longer form to properly address all of
the various minutiae and ramifications of this new paradigm.
Also,
I just needed a post for today.
If
you don’t know, Underoos were licensed sets of underclothing that
consisted of briefs and a t-shirt designed to resemble or at least
evoke the look of a licensed character. For example, you would have
blue underpants with a yellow waistband combined with a t-shirt
featuring printed muscles and a Bat symbol, creating a capeless,
maskless, bare-limbed Batman. It was odd, but regardless, Underoos
represented the peak of underclothing concepts.
And
they had tons
of licenses – Star Wars, DC Superheroes, Marvel Comics, and
probably a lot more. I would check, but there are all kinds of
reasons I don’t want to Google “Underoos” at work. For the same
reason I won’t be providing many pictures with this post.
I
don’t recall exactly which Underoos I had, but I know Batman,
C-3P0, Boba Fett, X-Wing Pilot, and Spider-Man were among my
collection. The Boba Fett ones were my favorite. I was too modest to
run around the house in nothing but underpants, but I would often
wear the t-shirts with pants that best matched them. And knowing that
the corresponding briefs were underneath was good enough for me.
Side
Note: I also had some Batman footy pajamas that were great. They
weren’t as good as what kids today have with the capes, but
Batman’s entire costume was printed on them. I would wear those
with a yellow plastic Batman utility belt and feel pretty awesome.
Except for the time I decided to forgo the Underoos and had a zipper
incident. NEVER AGAIN.
So
aside from protecting your personal parts from zippers, Underoos
looked cool (for underwear) and gave you the personal confidence of
knowing that under your clothes you were dressed like a gay android.
Really,
though, it wasn’t just under your clothes. I feel like I often wore
the Underoos t-shirt with my Osh Kosh B’Gosh dungarees and
KangaROOS sneakers. And in that way Underoos were superior even to
the licensed shirts we have today. You can buy t-shirts with pictures
of anybody
on them from Spider-Man to Deadpool to Darth Vader to Shazam (I just
remembered I had Captain Marvel Underoos, only I always called him
Shazam and was very confused years ago when I found out he was
actually called Captain Marvel and then DC decided to call him
Shazam), but it’s rare that you see a t-shirt with printed muscles
and the character’s appropriate costume insignia. Especially with
matching underpants.
I
don’t know when Underoos stopped being a part of the marketplace,
but I was baffled for years by their absence. While superheroes are
certainly more in vogue now than they have ever been before, it’s
not like they were ever unpopular with little kids. And even without
considering them, it’s not like there haven’t always been plenty
of other things you could slap on matching underwear sets.
Now
they’re back, and in the most appropriate and appalling way
imaginable – Underoos for adults. And lest you think I mis-typed
“appalling” and meant “appealing”, I did not.
You
know what nightmare fuel is? Nightmare fuel is picturing anybody I
know in the geek world cavorting about in briefs and a tiny t-shirt
designed to look like He-Man. Or, heaven forbid, C-3P0. Underoos are
a novelty item meant to appeal to kids and be just a step shy of
role-playing. They are not for grown-ups to wear in public to Dragon
Con.
Which
is, of course, exactly what is going to happen.
Maybe
I’m getting old, maybe it’s because I think grown-ups that wear
briefs are slightly weird to start with. But there’s just something
unwholesome about the idea of a grown man wearing Underoos. It’s
not the same thing as those dudes that wear diapers, but it’s not
too far off.
They
are also, of course, releasing these for women. I don’t know if
it’s sexist or whatever, but I have no problem with that. Maybe
because women have traditionally had more entertaining underthings
than men or maybe it’s because it seems more whimsical and less
pedo for a girl to wear Wonder Woman’s costume as underwear than
for a dude to wear Superman’s. I know that’s a big double
standard and I’m not going to shy away from it.
Look
within yourself – you know it to be true.
So
to answer the surprisingly large number of people that brought this
Underoos situation to my attention – no. I am a spoilsport and a
sourpuss and an old fogey and I will not be jumping on this
particular creepy bandwagon. Just the fact that I used the terms
“spoilsport”, “sourpuss”, and “fogey” should clue you in
to my mindset. I felt creepy enough wearing luchador footy pajamas at
Dragon Con and I still feel that doing so was fairly justified. But
Adulteroos are simply a step too far.
"Maybe it’s because I think grown-ups that wear briefs are slightly weird to start with."
ReplyDeleteYep.
Even the photos you posted of the male models, models who should look good wearing anything or nothing at all, creep me out.
haha :D yes i saw these at Hot Topic one day while at the mall. They do look a little creepy in the pics XD
ReplyDeleteI think if you are a male and order these, your name should be put into some sort of database.
ReplyDelete