Chambers
of Horror just made sense as the first haunt of the year for me.
Because
of work and family, me and the missus don’t get to hang out with
groups of friends very often. When we do, we want to make an event of
it. So for our first (and possibly only depending upon sitters, pet
care, and however many other considerations) October outing we wanted
to keep things as simple as possible while still having a full
evening. Dinner, a haunt, and possible booze afterward was the plan,
so that ruled out the far-flung locale of Atlanta Zombie Apocalypse
and the potential long lines of Netherworld. I know there are other
haunts around town, but I can’t even consider those until I hit the
big three.
I
mean, other than the normal hassles of just being in downtown
Atlanta.
Like
many venues downtown, the parking at The Masquerade is shit. Once you
arrive you have a few options as to where to leave your vehicle to
get broken into by the fine residents of Atlanta. First is the street
that runs beside the building. It is free to park there, but
something like one out of every ten cars get broken into (I am using
this figure as an exaggeration, but I might not be exaggerating).
Then
there is the pit of gravel and mud that is the Music Park. It costs
five dollars to park there. It is not well-lit, but I’m sure the
eighteen year old that’s being paid minimum wage to take your five
dollars would gladly lay down his life to protect the iPod your dumb
ass left on the dash of your Nissan Leaf.
Finally
there is the paved lot towards the back of the street. This also
costs five dollars, is poorly lit, and looks like the sort of place
where Pennywise the clown eats children’s feet. Once you have
parked here – especially if you arrived downtown via DeKalb Avenue
or one of Atlanta’s many other charming urban thoroughfares – you
really won’t feel the need to go to a haunted house and will likely
just turn around and go home; your need for chilling thrills
fulfilled.
Just
kidding!
If
you took DeKalb Avenue you probably didn’t even make it to that
terrifying little patch of asphalt!
So
we parked in the Pennywise lot and made our way around the building
to the Chambers of Horror area. There’s a table set up under a tent
where they have you sign a waiver saying you won’t sue them if you
poop your pants or fall down or anything. After you sign that, you
pay. Admission is seventeen bucks, though there are coupons for five
dollars off all over the place. We had coupons, so it was twelve
each. They also point out that Chambers of Horror is a strictly
adults-only attraction. There’s all kinds of nudity, dismemberment,
and other foul stuff that is absolutely not for those with weak
constitutions. Past that table there is a full bar, port-a-potties,
and creeps wandering around. I mean paid Chambers of Horror creeps in
costumes, not the normal sort you encounter downtown.
Our
group consisted of eight people. They said that six was ideal, but
aside from a couple of rooms where we were a bit cramped I’d say
eight was fine. I tell you this because my advice for haunted houses
is the same every year:
Bring
enough people with you to make a group. Read reviews or call the
place and find out how many you need. You don’t want to pay your
hard-earned money for a haunted house and then get stuck in a group
with some young shitbag who thinks they’re too cool to be scared.
It really ruins the good time.
As
a secondary recommendation, I say bring somebody with you that’s
nervous or jumpy. It makes it so
much more fun.
Although it is often hard to talk those people into going.
If
you like your friends, I recommend you stop before you enter the
Chambers and have your group picture taken with the quadriplegic
zombie whore in a barrel. It’s fun and you can buy copies for ten
bucks after you exit the haunt. I know that’s ten more bucks, but
time is fleeting and it’s nice to have a memento of fun times like
these.
Obviously
I’m not going to tell you anything about the haunt itself, but
here’s this year’s story – the old TortureCo facility has been
taken over by a government agency looking to build a new breed of
soldiers. THINGS GO WRONG!
This
year’s Chambers design is very impressive. I was blown away by the
use of space and the sheer variety of elements in play. Each section
offered a different sort of experience and new ways to create tension
and unease. The timing of the elements was fantastic. One thing would
be distracting you while another was creeping in to deliver a scare.
The mix of maze and action elements was just right.
There
are all sorts of gruesome props spread throughout the Chambers of
Horror and some of them will squirt, spray, or leak on or at you.
Don’t wear fancy clothes. We all got hit with various fluids that I
don’t even want to think about. It wasn’t Gwar show bad, but I
was glad I wasn’t wearing my new shoes.
When
you’re not navigating some diabolical hallway or cramped corridor,
you’re likely in a room with some variety of lunatics. These people
were outstanding. From the first weirdo we encountered that welcomed
us to the facility to the last maniac (whose location I won’t
reveal), the actors were way into their roles and clearly having fun.
There was very little of the stereotypical drama geek here. I know
this sounds dickish, but when you’re going through something like
that and all of a sudden somebody busts out a stupid British accent –
you know the one; all
of the drama kids used it at some point – it really spoils the
tone. Chambers of Horror kept things consistent and scary.
I’m
not jaded, but I’m also not one to be startled. I feel that to a
certain extent I know what to expect from haunts. Chambers got me
good a couple of times. Really
good one time, as a matter of fact. It was one of those clever
distraction moments and I fell for it HUGE. I might have even made an
involuntary noise.
Everybody
in the group had a great time. The ladies were all hanging onto each
other and the fellas, everybody was yelling and laughing. It was
fantastic.
The
length of the experience was also great. Several times I found myself
feeling that we were near the end, only to come across a new section
or hallway. The final stretch was really
awesome. Days later I’m still blown away by the planning and design
work that went into the final portion of the haunt. I’m not sure
exactly how long we spent inside, but we definitely got our money’s
worth.
Go
to Chambers of Horror. Whether you can find a coupon or not, it’s
worth your time and money. You’ll get tons of scares and I’ll be
surprised if I find a better haunt value this season. Here’s how
good it was – we’re planning on going back.
5
out of 5 Plasma Spewing Vaginas
Needless
Things V. 31 Days of Halloween
Every
October for the last few years Needless Things has provided
commentary on SyFy’s – the television channel devoted to science
fiction (sort of) – schedule. Not because the channel provides the
best Halloween content, but because they provide the most.
Aside from some paid programming in the wee hours of the morning
(because somebody
has to pay for Sharknado
3: Again With This?),
SyFy makes an effort to program content that is at least
Halloween-ish every hour of the month.
It
is for this that we thank them and devote far more effort than we
should into dissecting what they have to offer.
Oct
9 11:00 AM Syfy Original Movie Leprechaun's Revenge (In progress)
Oct
9 12:00 PM Syfy Original Movie Heebie Jeebies
I
don’t know what this one is about. As you may have noticed I
usually take that opportunity to make some shit up. So I’d like
this to be a spin-off of the Jeepers
Creepers
franchise, but starring the Apple guy. He’d be a sort of undead
monster wandering around with no eyes, which was how he was left at
the end of the first movie. The no eyes part, I mean. He was pretty
much regular dead, but this is horror so that could change.
Oct
9 02:00 PM Syfy Original Movie Tasmanian Devils
I
watched some of this the other night and it wasn’t bad. I mean, the
monsters looked like shit, but the story was okay and the actors were
solid. If you’re just sitting around with no particular TV agenda
you could do worse.
Oct
9 04:00 PM Syfy Original Movie Mothman
@Indrid
Cold
Oh,
wait – that’s not gonna work here.
I’ve
never been a huge fan of the Mothman, as it’s part of the alien
branch of cryptozoology and I fucking hate aliens.
Oct
9 06:00 PM 31 Days Of Halloween Movie Uninvited, The
This
movie doesn’t even need to be supernatural to be horrifying. Just
imagine you’re having a nice night with friends and some annoying
acquaintance whose presence you hadn’t desired or counted on shows
up. Give me a xenomorph or a Crite or a zombie over that any day. At
least you can just set those things on fire. And not get in trouble,
I mean.
Oct
9 08:00 PM Haven The Old Switcheroo - Part 1
I
caught a little bit of an episode the other morning and it featured
Edge doing some pretty good acting with some crazy blonde lady who
was also very good (and creepy). Then somebody busted out a notebook
with “CROATOAN” written in it. I’m a sucker for the lost colony
story, so I’m going to have to check this out now. Also, it looks
like that skeezy guy with the bad goatee got a haircut, so that’s
good.
Oct
9 09:00 PM Spartacus: Vengeance The Greater Good
Oct
9 10:05 PM Spartacus: Vengeance Empty Hands
Oct
9 11:10 PM Haven The Old Switcheroo - Part 1
Oct
9 12:10 AM Syfy Original Movie Mothman
Oct
9 02:10 AM Syfy Original Movie Boogeyman
Shockingly,
this Boogeyman
is much better than the 2005 theatrical movie of the same name. Well,
a little better. More fun to watch, anyway.
Oct
9 04:10 AM Syfy Original Movie Heebie Jeebies
Oct
10 06:00 AM Paid Programming
Oct
10 08:00 AM Syfy Original Movie Haunted High
Part
of me wants to see this because horror stuff set in high school tends
to be fun. But part of me can’t get the Disney Channel vibe of the
name out of my head. And don’t get me wrong – there have been
some great
Disney Channel Halloween movies. One of the things you have to give
Disney credit for is still embracing holidays.
Oct
10 10:00 AM Syfy Original Movie American Horror House
I
watched this last year and it was terrible.
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