SATURDAY
I
woke up Saturday morning feeling just fine. I didn’t necessarily
limit myself Friday night, but I tried to stay aware of the fact that
my first panel was at 10 AM. For me this is very early, but I was
super-excited about the panel and did not want to miss it.
The
concept was that several of the panelists from the American Sci-Fi
Classics track would get together. There was a twenty-sided die with
twenty different topics. We’d roll the die and do five minute
panels based around what came up. Here’s the die:
Obviously
this sounded like a whole lot of fun. So much so that I got to the
room over half an hour early. The preceding panel was still going, so
I went around the corner and messed around on my phone for a while to
wait. I was wearing some pretty incredible luchador pajamas. My whole
gimmick was going to be that this was crazy early for me and I had
just rolled out of bed to be there. Which was kind of true. It would
mean a costume change between panels since I had one at 10, one at
11:30, and one (all the way over at the Sheraton) at 1:00; but I
thought it would be worth it for the humor.
I
went back to the room just before 9:45 and the panelist table was
still full. It seemed like the other panel might still be going, but
they weren’t really talking. I asked if they were there for the D20
panel and they said that they were. I asked where I should sit and
nobody made any effort to move or make room. I was in hot pajamas and
not interested in making a scene, so I left. That’s why one of the
two panelists listed in the program as being on the D20 panel was not
there. The other one wasn’t there, either, but that’s his story
to tell.
***
Once
I got back to the room I changed into a fairly nice suit that I
lucked into at a thrift shop. I can’t ever
find stuff my size at thrift shops. Apparently only very small people
donate their clothes. I guess that makes sense, because once I find
something that actually fits me I wear it until it falls apart.
This
suit just happens to resemble a Tenth Doctor suit. I was not looking
for a Tenth Doctor suit and it isn’t something that I would go out
of my way to own, but sometimes serendipitous things happen. It fits
perfectly and looks really nice. It would do for the She-Ra panel and
would be perfect for the Earth Station Who panel that I would be
racing to afterwards.
While
I was dressing I sent Beau a desperate message – to please come and
do the She-Ra panel if he possibly could. I had originally pitched
the She-Ra panel as me, Beau, and a female friend of ours. I felt
like the three of us would put on a fantastic panel. But our friend
backed out and Beau is the director of the Puppetry track. So as far
as I knew it was going to be just me and that would be bad. I know
enough about the Princess of Power to sit on a panel with
knowledgeable people and have a great time. I do not know enough to
do a panel on my own. The thought of trying to talk about She-Ra for
an hour terrified me. Not much does terrify me, but I know when I am
in over my head.
I
felt bad for putting that kind of pressure on Beau, but once I got to
the track room I got to feel even worse.
She-Ra
30th
Anniversary: The Panel of Honor
Beau
was in the room when I got there and I thanked him profusely. Then I
looked at the table and saw Gary, Shaun, and Jessa and knew that I
hadn’t really needed
to plead with Beau to be there. He was going to be fantastic and
entertaining and a great addition to the panel, but Gary, Shaun, and
Jessa are great.
We would have been okay. So I felt bad.
The
panel was so much fun. Shaun and Jessa knew the cartoon inside and
out, Gary moderated, and me and Beau handled toy talk. Well, mostly
Beau. I did my whole jokey blah-blah thing. I feel like I have a
talent for filling the empty spaces (shut it, perverts). We had three
fantastic She-Ra cosplayers, who each got rewarded with fabulous
prizes from BelligerentMonkey.com.
I
hate to think that there won’t be any Masters of the Universe next
year, but we’ve covered the movie and She-Ra and there isn’t an
anniversary to celebrate. Hopefully we can come up with something.
***
After
the She-Ra panel – which really was a lot of fun, by the way;
everyone that talked to me afterwards said so – I had to rush over
to the Sheraton. Marriott to Sheraton isn’t the worst haul, but
with only thirty minutes I needed to boogie on over there. Thankfully
I arrived with enough time to grab some waters. My voice was a little
rough after yelling into the DCW commentary mic all night the night
before and I needed all the hydration and lubrication I could get.
Side
Note: Phantom Troublemaker officially endorses Halls Defense
Blueberry flavored Vitamin C drops. They taste great and help with
throat soreness. They also make you feel like you’re doing a little
extra to ward off Con Crud. That may be a placebo effect, but
whatever. They’re great. Buy them. Also, it is now two weeks after
Con and I do not have Con Crud.
Earthy
Station Who Presents: Doctor Who – Past, Present, and Future
I
had no idea what we were going to be talking about. This was the same
exact title of last year’s ESW panel at Dragon Con, so I wasn’t
sure if maybe we were going to do the same thing and convince
everybody they’d traveled back in time.
Director
Faber, Mike Gordon, and I were joined by Angela Pritchett for this
one since co-host Jen couldn’t be there. Angela was a fun addition
to the crew and knows her Doctor Who.
We
had a fun discussion about the title subject and I had fun trying to
provoke our mute audience by talking about how I thought “Deep
Breath” was the worst Doctor Who story I have ever seen. I guess
they agreed, because there was no outrage. We did have some kids in
the audience who were great. There were some younger girls in the
front who were quite astute and a couple of boys that really had some
great thoughts and questions. If the whole audience had been kids
like that it would have been a great
panel.
***
After
the ESW panel I had a few hours before Whose EFF rehearsal. I met up
with Bear and the Queen of Crunk and we wandered around for a while.
First
we hit the Famous People room. I brought my Nightfighter™ RoboCop™
action figure because I wanted to get Peter Weller to sign it. While
this glow-in-the-dark variant is not technically based on anything
that Peter Weller did as RoboCop (it’s based on a Kenner toy of the
same name), it’s the same mold as the movie figure and it’s the
only RoboCop I had available. Well, I’ve also got the video game
version, but that one is in a box and doesn’t really hang up very
well.
While
Bear and the Queen waited in line for one of the True Blood cast
members I went in search of Mr. Weller’s table. It was located on
the back side of the room underneath a poster of “Robo Cop”. Not
RoboCop,
but Robo
Cop. I
couldn’t take a picture because the DC staffers were being pretty
strict about that near the big celebrities. I can only assume that
the poster was misspelled due to some kind of licensing thing. I
dunno. Anyway, the poster looked like this:
There
was a line of just a few people, but no sign of Peter Weller. I
decided this must mean he was expected back at the table soon, so I
got in line and asked if he was expected back at the table soon. I
was told that the DC staffers had said he was, so I settled in to
wait.
After a few minutes Bear and the Queen came over and showed me
their Kristen Bauer pics, obviously quite pleased with themselves. I
considered just leaving with them, but the Queen pointed out that as
soon as I left Peter Weller would probably get back. That was solid
logic. I told them I’d stick around a little longer and catch up
with them in a bit.
Sure
enough, right after the Queen and Bear walked away, Peter Weller
showed up with his handler. I honestly got a little light headed upon
seeing him. This guy is huge
to me. He’s one of the Big Ones. Buckaroo Banzai, RoboCop, Steven
Beck, Bill Lee; heck – even Admiral Marcus. He’s powerful
no matter what he’s doing. And he is powerful
in person. He exuded an entirely different intensity from Michael
Rooker, who is one of the most intense people I’ve ever met. Weller
was just iron. He was pleasant enough about signing the figure and
just sort of grunted when I told him I would’ve brought a Naked
Lunch figure if they’d made them. Julian Sands had a similar
reaction. I don’t think any of the actors in that movie actually
like
that movie.
Regardless,
I got my RoboCop signed. With gold ink, no less!:
After
getting our fill of Famous People we made our way to the Dealers
Hall, which was just too much again this year. I think what really
hurts it is the separation between rooms. The two small rooms
downstairs and then the bottleneck between rooms upstairs where you
realize, “Holy shit. There’s even more. Do I care?” Also, much
like the musical acts, the Dealers Room seemed to be dominated by
Alternate History oriented things. But it’s hard to say exactly
what was in those rooms because I’m still not sure I even saw it
all. I know it generally isn’t a good idea to put similar dealers
together, but in this case it might be. If they laid out quadrants
focused towards specific interests – toys, comics, goggles, and so
forth – you’d know you hit all of your places and could avoid
wasted minutes of plowing through things that did not interest you.
Something
about that place makes me not want to bother shopping. And to be
clear, I was a proponent of moving it all to Americas Mart. I still
am. I just think the concept needs serious thought and alteration
before next year. Though I hear that it will be in a different
section of the building next year, so maybe that will be better. I do
not think that a return to the Marriott basement is the answer.
After
spending around an hour in the Halls of Dealing we decided that was
enough. Bear and the Queen went off to get something to eat and I
headed back to my room to get ready for Whose EFF rehearsal.
I’ve
got to admit – I wasn’t in the best spirits at that point. I was
bummed that I hadn’t really gotten to experience DCW and had
basically had to go straight to bed after Puppet Improv for what had
turned out to be no good reason. I was bummed that the D20 panel
hadn’t worked out and I was definitely out of sorts over giving up
the toy panel. I really shouldn’t
have been down, but the ol’ brain was accentuating the negative.
And
then I passed four Disney Princesses dancing to techno music in the
Marriott. It was super cute and the sort of thing that Dragon Con is
exactly
about. I smiled and walked on, then thought about Beau. I stopped,
turned around, and went back and told the Princesses that they had
just made my day and were awesome and to have a great Con. Because
that’s what Beau would do.
I
literally felt my spirits rise up. I had a smile on my face and I
just embraced Con. Saturday afternoon was the point where I finally
let Con hit me this year, and it was late; but better late than
never. I can honestly tell you that from that point until I left on
Monday I was practically floating. And then I saw this:
And
it was MAGICx100. Any possibility of returning funk completely tapped
out (HA!).
These
folks are called Noise Complaint.
They are awesome. I watched them for a little while and then realized
I should be getting video. So I got video. I would have loved to chat
with them, but there were a bunch of people watching the show and I
didn’t want to interrupt. I figured I could find them online later.
Of course, I never imagined Dana Snyder would be the guy to point me
in the right direction:
Thusly
inspired, I made my way to Checker’s in the food court for my
annual dose of awesome, greasy goodness. I knew I was taking a
gastrological risk because I hadn’t eaten red meat since April and
Whose EFF was in just a few hours, but Phantomaniacs – I was
feeling invincible just about then.
Whose
EFF Is It Anyway?
In Empire, when Luke Skywalker lands on Dagobah and utters a line about it being, “like a dream…”, I
think I’s some of the best acting Mark Hamill did because his
delivery evokes a state of dreaminess. He’s so contemplative and
thoughtful in that moment.
That’s
how I feel about Saturday night at Dragon Con. It was all like a
dream; like these amazing things that must be happening to somebody
else. I’m almost afraid to examine it too closely, like I’ll
realize it was a fantasy that didn’t really happen. But it did. And
here it is:
Last
year I left Dragon Con on Saturday night to go and see some of my
heroes – Le Sexoflex – perform their last show ever. This year I
spent Saturday night performing with Miss Lady Flex in front of a
packed room at
Dragon Con.
Everybody
that I worked with at Dragon Con is going to get sick of my praise
and you guys are going to get sick of reading it, but I will never be
able to properly express how truly blessed I was to work with the
people I did all weekend. When I asked Miss Lady Flex if she would
co-host a dirty game show with me I was asking because she is funny
and sexy and has experience with the sort of subject matter we were
going to be presenting. I did not know that in addition to a perfect
co-host I would be getting a director, producer, and organizer. The
show would have been a lot less good without her. She brought so much
experience and knowledge to Whose EFF that I will never be able to
properly thank her.
She
also brought Sexy Wolverine.
Sexy
Wolverine blew me away at our dry run. I hadn’t really thought
about having an audience wrangler/assistant. But he had people
practically in tears. After the show I asked if he’d be interested
in doing Dragon Con, as well. I honestly didn’t expect an
affirmative, but sure enough we had our Sexy Wolverine back on
Saturday night.
Just
going over the gameplan with those two was thrilling. I have never
done performing like Whose EFF. The closest I have come is MCW, which
is all seat-of-your-pants stuff with very little planning. And while
a good portion of the show does rest on my shoulders, there are
thirty or so other performers as well. This was going to be very
different. And thankfully I had two partners who were ready for it.
After
rehearsal we headed down to the track room. There were a bunch of
people sitting in the corridor outside of the room. When we asked
what they were doing, they said they were waiting to see Whose EFF Is
It Anyway?. By
name.
My heart almost fucking exploded. The three of us went into a sort of
nook at the back of the track room and just basked in the excitement
of that moment while we waited for the panel preceding ours to finish
up.
And
now I want to take a moment to give a HUGE thank you to Jonathan
Williams for stepping up and attempting the impossible by running A/V
for the show. The prior panel ran a bit long, so we didn’t have
nearly enough time to set up. I basically had to throw my laptop at
Jonathan and tell him to run the timer and show some pictures and
music and stuff. I wasn’t able to explain where everything was or
what order it was in or anything. He did a great job of dealing with
what he was given.
Thanks
to Jonathan, all of the judges and performers were able to enter
rather than just being up on stage. Sexy Wolverine announced me and
Miss Lady Flex and it
was on.
There
were some minor issues and snafus, but guess what? If I don’t point
them out nobody will ever know about them. The show was a hit. That’s
what matters. The room was packed full with people standing up in the
back and every
single one of them
had a blast. And so did we. I don’t think an outsider would be able
to tell that it was only the second time we had done it. And when I
say “we”, I mean me, Miss Lady Flex, and Sexy Wolverine. Nobody
else in that room had even seen
the show before. And we all worked together to create something that
I think was absolutely phenomenal.
And then there were the Rock N' Role Models. Matt "Sex" Sells and Johnny Danger showed up and provided an icredible show. I just happened to have a piece about Hulk Hogan and John Cena that was a real hoot. Those guys killed it. The room was dying.
We
were also fortunate to have judges that knew just how to play along
and contestants that were amazing. We had writers, puppeteers, and
everyday Con-goers and they nailed
it.
I’ve
heard nothing but positivity from the people that were there and
before we even packed up we were told that we would be doing it again
next year. Naturally, being the asshole that I am, I said, “Yeah,
and in a bigger room.”
To
be fair, the whole Classics Track needs a bigger room. Every panel I
saw was packed.
Well,
except for the one after
Whose EFF. But that’s okay because that was something entirely
different and by its nature more focused. It went over just as well
as Whose EFF, is not as big. There were only about forty people
there, but I changed their lives forever.
***
Before
I get into that, I have to give more thanks – this time to Bear and
the Queen of Crunk. They went back to my hotel room to get the power
cable for my laptop and had to deal with the keycard not working and
then security not bringing new keycards. It took almost half an hour
and they were super sweet about it. And they also brought me
Fireball. Next year I will be carrying Fireball with me in a flask
and that is going to be trouble.
THINGS
So
I had to kill about half an hour in front of a live audience while we
were waiting for the power cable. We just talked about bad movies. It
was a lot of fun and a way for everybody to get to know each other
before embarking on the bizarre journey that is watching THINGS.
I hadn’t planned it, but it turned out to be a good thing.
Everybody
had a wonderful time watching that terrible movie. And once it was
over, the doubters had to concede defeat – I had truly shown them
the worst movie of all time.
For
my part, I sat behind the laptop making the occasional comment and
getting absolutely shitfaced on Fireball and Miller Lite. I had
promised myself I would drink myself stupid Saturday night if Whose
EFF went well and since I didn’t have another panel until 7 PM on
Sunday.
Naturally
I have even more thanks to give – to Scott Stripling of Shoot the Moon Comics
for creating the incredible art for the program. I gave him a couple
of layouts and some words and he designed four beautiful pages:
***
An
old friend of mine turned up for Whose EFF – someone I hadn’t
seen in sixteen
years,
but who I remembered fondly and had recently reconnected with on the
social medias. After THINGS
was
over we just sat around and caught up, talking about old times and
new until 7 in the morning. And that is another thing that is amazing
about Dragon Con. You can run around partying, you can put on a game
show, you can see wrestling, you can meet famous people, and you can
just sit around talking to friends. Anything is possible.
I
wish I could bottle the feelings I felt Saturday night.
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