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| New logo by Belligerent Monkey! |
This
was originally posted on May 11, 2009 – the day after my
thirty-third birthday. I am reposting it now because I just did a thing about Star Trek
and next week I’m going to be reviewing the Masters of the Universe
Classics version of the character Blade from the 1987 Masters
movie.
I
made the decision to clean this article up and re-post it while I was
writing the introductory paragraph for Blade. I was going to say some
things about the Masters
motion picture and then remembered I had already said some things
about it and that I was mostly right that time.
This
was basically just a recap of my birthday weekend. Five years ago I
used to celebrate my birthday by watching movies with friends and
stuff instead of just being at my shitty job all weekend. HAHAHA NO –
I’m not bitter at all!
So
I had this weekend that was so awesome and full of dorkery that I was
compelled to write about it. I think it’s a fun piece. I have
cleaned up my grammar – which was not as good in 2009 – and added
in some pictures and stuff. Also, I stand by most of these reviews.
My opinions haven’t changed on any of them. Except GI
Joe
– I’ll explain when I get to that. Enjoy!
I
went to see Star Trek
Friday afternoon and it was every bit as good as Wolverine
was bad. I cannot believe how awesome that movie was. I want to go
and see it again as soon as I possibly can. Here’s a review!
Star
Trek
Man,
I’m not even sure how to go about writing this one. I just want to
keep saying “awesome”, and that doesn’t do anybody any good.
I’m
going to start off with the only two negatives in the whole movie
just to calm myself down a little bit. The first is the use of the
Beastie Boys’ Sabotage
at the beginning of the movie. It really seemed weird and out of
place, even though it would realistically be a classic rock-type song
at the time the movie takes place. It was just kind of jarring to
hear that in a Star Trek
movie, though I guess not wholly inappropriate. The second issue is
that I’m not sure it was explained why Scotty went with Kirk. I’ll
have to pay closer attention to that part next time I see the movie,
which hopefully will be soon.
The
cast is great. Everybody nails their character without doing an
impersonation of the original crew. I went into the movie not wanting
to like the guy playing Kirk, but I loved him after a mere five
minutes of screen time. My impression before seeing the film was that
the actor looked like kind of a douchebag, but it occurred to me
after seeing his great portrayal of Iowa’s biggest man-whore that
Kirk is
kind of a douchebag. The kind you like to see doing awesome stuff
like starting fights with Starfleet cadets, Romulans, Vulcans and
pretty much everybody. As a matter of fact, Kirk’s main value to
the plot seems to be pissing people off. And that’s okay. I even
thought Eric Bana was tremendous and I haven’t had any use for him
since his rotten Hulk movie. Everybody else is great, and since I
don’t want this to just turn into a list of actors and how awesome
they are, let’s move along to the story.
The
story is great. The pacing is so solid you never have a moment to
relax. There is always something going on that requires your
attention. Every single character is thoroughly outlined and given
something important to do. Not even the old original cast movies –
which are some of my all-time favorite movies; even the odd-numbered
ones – put so much care into making each primary crew member seem
crucial. The overall story is just mind-blowing. Not only did the
writers manage to reboot the whole franchise from the start (If you
don’t include Enterprise.
And I don’t), they did it in a way that respects and cherishes what
has gone before. If you are even a casual fan of Star Trek, there are
so many call-outs in this movie that you won’t be able to remember
them all. Also – don’t ever fuck with Romulans. Ever. They will
absolutely ruin your day.
There
really isn’t any point in discussing the technical aspects of the
movie. Regardless of your opinion of J.J. Abrams, the guy knows his
stuff. Effects, cinematography, production design; all of those
things are outstanding. The new bridge looks so fucking cool I wanted
to go out and buy the playset immediately. I also like the sneeze
shield in the transporter room. You can’t ever be too careful. The
costumes are great, too. They are instantly recognizable but
completely updated.
J.J.
Abrams says he wasn’t even a Trek fan when he signed on, but he has
still managed to put together one amazing love letter to Gene
Roddenberry. Go see this movie as soon as you possibly can. Not only
is it a great starting point for new fans, it actually serves as a
beautiful conclusion to old stories for existing fans. The universe
is now full of fresh, new possibilities.
5
out of 5 Immolated Redshirts
After
I got home and paid the bills, we loaded Lil’ Troublemaker into the
car and headed for Toys R Us. Mrs. Troublemaker really wanted to get
our son this ride-on toy we had seen there the week before and I
really wanted to buy every Star
Trek toy I could get my
hands on. We got the bug-shaped riding toy no problem, but the Trek
stuff did present a problem. You see, to get the bridge playset I
mentioned before, not only do you have to buy the playset itself for
around $25; you also have to buy eighteen of the single-carded 3.75”
figures. The actual boxed playset only includes the Captain’s
console, the viewscreen and a floorplan/mat-type thing to put all of
the parts on. In order to have a complete bridge you have to buy all
of the single-carded figures; each of which includes a piece of the
bridge, such as the control console and conn Station. Normally I
wouldn’t have a problem with this, but you aren’t actually buying
eighteen different characters; you end up with a couple of different
variations of several of them which I don’t particularly want to
buy. Hell, the playset comes with a Kirk, but you get the exact same
Kirk when you buy the single figure. They could have at least put one
of them in the black Starfleet shirt he wears for most of the movie.
This was a deal-breaker for me. As much as I’d like to have that
bridge, I’m not buying that many figures that I don’t really
want. I ended up just buying one of the new phasers and the new
Enterprise – both of which I will discuss some other time.
Side
Note: I never did get around to reviewing those. The Enterprise is
awesome:
It’s almost on par with Diamond
Select Toys’ incredible starships and cost a lot less. I would have
loved to see a line of starships from Playmates. The phaser was
exciting at first thanks to the wacky stun/kill action:
But
now I feel like it looks pretty junky and almost like a Dollar Tree
toy. The old phasers are way better.
Lil’
Troublemaker had a couple of mini-adventures while we were in the
World’s Best Toy Store. First, he managed to scale to the top of
one of those bins made of metal grids. I was squatting right beside
him, so he was in no danger of falling, but he made it all the way up
that thing just so he could get a hold of one of those generic rubber
balls like you would play dodgeball with. I was impressed. The second
funny thing occurred when this other little boy walked up with his
family. Lil’ Troublemaker is to the point where he really wants to
play with other kids when he sees them, so he tried to get this other
little boy to play with the ball he had just freed from captivity. I
was a little nervous because the other kid was like half the size of
my son and I don’t need any lawsuits. Lil’ Troublemaker kept
offering the ball, never quite sure if he should try bouncing it over
or not, but the other kid just kind of stood there staring. I just
assumed given his size that the other kid must be a little younger
than my own and not quite to the same level of social development.
After talking to his parents – who were toting around three other
kids, too – we found out he and Lil’ Troublemaker are the same
age. Lil’ T is a big boy.
On
Saturday, the big plan was to have the guys over to watch GI
Joe: The Movie,
Transformers: The Movie
(the animated one) and Masters
of the Universe and drink
lots of beer. I had to get up early so I could go to the post office
to pick up a package I assumed was my birthday present from my
parents and go to the bank to deposit the birthday present from my
Granny. It turned out the package was an Imperial Officer’s hat I
had purchased off of eBay. I bought it to get an idea of the quality
of goods from this place in Singapore that makes recreations of Star
Wars costumes, among other things. I need a couple of different
pieces for something I’m working on for Dragon*Con this year. The
hat is fucking awesome, by the way.
Side
Note: The project was the ill-fated Mandalorian costume that I have
mentioned many times before. I didn’t end up ordering any parts
from this place because I couldn’t get them in the colors I needed.
I lost the Imperial Officer hat in the flood later that same year.
Me
and the guys had a blast dissecting the three movies and I highly
recommend this triple feature for anybody who grew up during the
80’s. Here are some thoughts:
GI
Joe: The Movie
Good
lord does Cobra-La suck. I love the Real American Hero, but this
movie brought with it the worst concept in the history of Joe. I
loved these organic, monstrous predecessors to the Yuuzhan Vong when
I was a kid, but as an adult I think it was a terrible thing to mix
in with GI Joe. I wondered aloud Saturday if Larry Hama went home and
punched his wife in the face after seeing that nonsense back in the
day. I can’t even imagine how frustrating that must have been.
Cobra-La
notwithstanding, the movie is still a blast to watch, especially with
friends. Just about every Joe that existed at that point is on screen
at one time or another and you get to see Duke receive a bloody stab
wound through the heart courtesy of a snake. And then live. You also
get Alpine delivering my favorite animated Joe line ever, “How are
you at splicin’?” You might be wondering why that is my favorite
line. Me too. I cannot explain that at all, I just love it every time
I hear it.
GI
Joe: The Movie is so much
fun to watch and undoubtedly a treasured memory, but it really kind
of sucks. Any of the mini-series are far superior story-wise (Even if
they all have basically the same plot of “We have to stop Cobra
from assembling the Weather Dominator, MASS Elements, Serpentor DNA,
etc.; IT’S A RACE AGAINST TIME AND AROUND THE WORLD!”) and The
Movie didn’t even really
benefit from higher quality animation (thought the standard animation
for the series is really good anyway) like Transformers
did. It did, however, benefit from Sgt. Slaughter and Don Johnson; so
you almost even things up there. If it wasn’t for nostalgia and
Roadblock’s new duds, this movie would never get
2
out of 5 Extraneous Cobra Commander Eyeballs
Side
Note: Clearly I was out of my fucking mind when I wrote that.
It’s
funny – I’ve probably had more extreme flip-flops on this movie
than any other. When I was a kid I loved it, but as I got older I
really started to dislike Cobra-La and how they usurped Cobra
Commander’s story (most of which I had taken from the comics).
Eventually I softened on them again because I remember being excited
about seeing the movie when it came out on DVD and thinking I was
going to dig the whole Cobra-La thing. Clearly I did not.
These
days I’m back to liking them. I mean, they aren’t any more
ridiculous or bizarre than anything else that happened on the Joe
cartoon. And as for how they affected Cobra Commander’s story, the
comics are the comics and the cartoons are the cartoons. I can
separate them now and enjoy each for what they offer. Also, I think I
was wrong and the animation was better. Or at least it is in the
opening sequence, which is one of the best in cinematic history. So I
retract the above score and call 33-year-old Phantom a dimwit:
4
out of 5 Extraneous Cobra Commander Eyeballs
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| From Wikipedia |
Trans}Formers:
The
(Animated) Movie
Overall
this is much better than the GI Joe movie. I remember going to see
this in the theater with my mom and being terrified she was going to
make us leave when Spike Witwicky said “OH, shit!” and looking
over expecting to see her angry face only to discover that she was
sound asleep. I was torn between relief that I was going to be able
to continue to watch what was obviously going to be the greatest
movie of all time and complete bewilderment as to how she could
possibly doze off with the most significant conflict in the history
of the universe unfolding before us.
I
kind of got to relive that bewilderment Saturday night. Big Jason
nodded off shortly after Spike’s life-altering exclamation,
unknowingly mimicking my Mother’s reaction to the movie when she
saw it twenty-three years ago. This is surprising since Big Jason is
a much more enthusiastic fan of the Transformers than my Mother is.
Heck, Big Jason is a much more enthusiastic fan of the Transformers
than I am. The poor guy was just exhausted.
Anyway,
this movie is a big ol’ chunk of awesome. I don’t care who you
are, if you don’t get a little misty when (SPOILER
ALERT!!!!!!) Optimus
Prime dies (END
OF SPOILER!), then you
just don’t have a soul. I even remember being upset when Ultra
Magnus got blown to pieces, though I noticed during this viewing that
the Autobots don’t really seem to give a shit. I guess when you’re
the type of guy that believes your imminent death is your species’
darkest hour you probably haven’t made a whole lot of friends
(Although I’m sure you believe you have). Knowing what I know now,
though, Ironhide’s death is really the most upsetting. I have a
soft spot for curmudgeons. That’s why I get along with Angry Matt
so well.
This
whole movie is just awesome on top of amazing on top of spectacular.
From Autobot city to the Sharkticons to the demented Quintessons to
the also demented (but in a different way) Junkions; it’s new
thrill after new thrill. This is one of the few times that something
actually changed the face of something forever. That promise is often
made but rarely fulfilled. In the case of Transformers:
The Movie it is the truth.
Future episodes of the cartoon were all affected by the events of the
movie; everything from the cast of characters to the storylines and
timeline were almost entirely different. Of course, so were the
voices of Ultra Magnus, Galvatron, Kup and a few others.
Great
flick – way to go, Hasbro and Sunbow. I actually still prefer this
one to the live-action one.
4
out of 5 Dead Autobots
Side
Note: Not much to say here other than of
course
I prefer the animated one to Michael Bay’s version. While I don’t
hate the Bay movies at all – I quite like the first and third
entries – as a parent I am disgusted by the use of profanity and
sexuality in his adaptations of a children’s toy line. Both are
utterly unnecessary. I think I’ve said this before but I am
dreading the possibility of having to tell my son he can’t go and
see the new Ninja
Turtles
movie because there are too many dick jokes. He loves
Ninja Turtles as much as I ever did and he deserves a great
live-action movie like the one I got to see in theaters in 1990.
Having
said that – I don’t hate anything about what I’ve seen of the
new Turtles
flick.
I don’t like their weird faces, but other than that and Shredder
being a white guy it seems like just a sort of alternate universe
take on the Turtles; no different than things the Mirage comic did
back in the day. I’m hoping Bay and whoever directed this thing can
show just a shred of decency and not put in the foul language and
inappropriate scenarios that made the Transformers
movies so appaling.
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| From Wikipedia |
Masters
of the Universe
Wow.
This movie is really, really bad. This is a classic example of
Hollywood having no idea what makes a franchise work. The only
villains from the toy line to appear in the movie are Skeletor,
Evil-Lynn and Beast-Man. Granted, these are done really well. Frank
Langella is obviously enjoying himself under the skull makeup; Meg
Foster is super-hot and, well, evil as Evil-Lynn and whoever plays
Beast-Man is very Beast-Mannish. The problem is with the other
primary villains. You’ve got a sword guy, a snake guy and some kind
of hairy albino lizard thing. We decided you could have easily used
Trap-Jaw, Whiplash and Stinkor instead. Why make up lame new
characters when the original characters would be just as easy to
portray?
Let
me just say that the Eternia sets look awesome. As a matter of fact,
pretty much all of the production design is great. The original
characters that appear in the film are brought to life in a fairly
faithful and realistic manner and Eternia really comes across as a
different world. Here is giant fucking problem number two, though:
Only about fifteen minutes of the one hour and forty-seven minute
movie take place on Eternia. The rest takes place on 80’s-era earth
and revolves around Courtney Cox’s dead parents. And yes, that is
exactly as lame as it sounds.
Problem
three is Gwyldor. Gwyldor is apparently in this movie to answer the
question “What could possibly suck more than Orko and Snarf fucking
and producing offspring?”
Masters
of the Universe presents to
you a certain wonderful suckiness that is best enjoyed in the company
of other dudes and copious amounts of alcohol. Dolph Lundgren is
something just shy of retarded as he lopes around what looks like
downtown Roswell in his leather manties (Looking remarkably like one
of the “300”). Teela’s only direction apparently consisted of
“Turn around a lot so we can see that leather strap we yanked up
your ass.” I guess if you have Dolph for the mommies you need a
little Teela for the daddies. The guy that plays Man-At-Arms is
appropriately mustachioed and Principal Strickland plays a thoroughly
unlikeable cop who wins a toga and a whore for not shooting He-Man
and Courtney Cox when he had the chance.
The
golden moment in Masters of
the Universe occurs roughly
an hour and a half in, when He-Man is apprehended by Skeletor and his
goons. HM is being restrained by about ten of Skeletor’s
“Sentinels” – generic troops that look like leftover Star Wars
costumes (Actually a lot of stuff in this movie looks like leftover
Star Wars something-or-other) – when one overzealous Sentinel
appears to leap forward right onto Dolph’s golden-mulleted head. My
initial reaction was “Holy shit! That guy is really into his job!”
But after rewinding in order to show it to the guys who hadn’t been
paying as close attention as I had (all of them), we discovered that
this guy was not leaping forward in a display of aggressive
enthusiasm. He was, instead, tripping over another guy’s leg in a
display of aggressive clumsiness. The best part is that the very next
shot is one of Skeletor throwing back his head and laughing, so it
appears he is just cracking up at his clumsy minion. Awesome.
I
highly recommend watching this movie at your next social gathering.
Whoever is still at your house when it is over are worth having as
friends. Anybody else should be immediately reduced to “acquaintance”
status. I’m looking at you, Carlito.
Bizarro 4 out of 5 Flying Manhole Covers
I
haven’t used a “Bizarro” rating before since I just made it up,
so let me explain: I can’t in good conscience give a shitty movie
that I enjoyed watching a low score. My scores are mostly meant to
suggest how much I am entertained by a movie, with quality being
somewhat secondary. At the same time, I can’t really score
something the caliber of Masters
of the Universe the same as
I would Casino Royale,
despite being almost equally entertained by them. Enter the Bizarro
Score. It will be specifically for shitty movies and if you need any
more explanation than that then I just don’t know what to tell you.
On
Sunday I just hung out with Mrs. Troublemaker and Lil’ Troublemaker
all day. We played with a mix of Batman, Star Wars and Little People
farm that my son seems to enjoy. Mrs. Troublemaker’s parents were
even nice enough to stop by before dinner to wish me a Happy
Birthday. That was nice.
Side
Note: I used to write a lot more biographical stuff than I do now. If
you look back on Needless Things you can even find recaps of
vacations and stuff. While I still do that for cons, I pretty much
stopped for regular, run-of-the-mill events. What I’m saying here
is – anybody want to come over and watch some 80s flicks? I won’t
write about it.
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