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| From YoJoe.com |
Today
you’re going to be treated to a bunch of babbling nonsense because
tomorrow is my birthday, I’m working all weekend and don’t get to
celebrate, and I didn’t have time to take pictures of the
Spider-Man figure that was supposed to get reviewed today.
Plus,
(and this is Wednesday night now – I wrote all of that Tuesday
during the day) I got called into work tonight and still
didn’t have time to take those Spidey pics. This piece turns into
kind of a bummer at the end, and I’m pretty down on 2014 right now
so I don’t know if this re-write is going to make it worse. So be
prepared.
I
don’t like battle damaged action figures.
I’m
not sure exactly where this preference came from. I also don’t like
figures with overly expressive faces or parts sculpted in a pose. For
example, if there’s a cape or long hair or whatever I don’t want
it waving in any particular direction. I also don’t like figures or
parts of figures to be in permanent “dynamic” poses.
As
you can imagine, the 90s were a difficult time for me as a collector.
I think the hardest thing for me to deal with was GI Joe: Extreme.
Those were just a nightmare. After a decade of highly poseable, fun
army guys Hasbro put out a bunch of crappy figures that were barely a
step above the original molded plastic Army Men.
As
far as faces go, if a figure comes with an extra head you can slap
any old face you want on it – angry, happy, pooping; whatever –
as long as there’s a neutral head. For the capes and whatnot, the
reason I don’t like posed sculpts is because no two capes or
hairdos or bandannas in any toy line have ever been posed with the
wind blowing or the characters moving in the same direction and they
end up looking stupid when you put the figures together. Why is
Batman’s cape fluttering off to the right while Superman’s is
billowing out behind him?
Well,
it’s obviously because the Man of Steel just floated an air biscuit
and his flatulence is stronger than any gale Mother Nature can
generate, but that’s beside the point.
The
point here is that I want figures that can be posed in a neutral
manner on the shelf. Or in a base. Or wherever. This is not collector
me talking, this is how I’ve been since I was a kid. I think it’s
some kind of resistance to being told what to do.
Don’t
you tell me that Roadblock has to be forever squatting down, firing
his ridiculous cannon, and screaming. Sometimes Roadblock cooks
soufflés and that is not a reasonable pose for soufflé cooking.
Don’t
give me a Darth Vader figure that can only stand in a wide-legged
pose with his lightsaber pointed off to one side. Sometimes Lord
Vader just stands there. Sometimes he sits crisscross applesauce in
his meditation chamber. Sometimes he raises his sad, mismatched fists
to the sky and yells, “NOOOOOOO!”
Don’t limit me, Hasbro.
Don’t
you get all cocky, Mattel. You and your Total Justice.
Shit.
Wait – Kenner had the DC license back then. And Kenner is part of
Hasbro now.
I’m
sitting here thinking that Mattel – who generally pisses me off
more than any toy company except for around SDCC time when Hasbro
offers their Exclusives which you will never, ever be able to get
unless you go all the way out to San Diego and spend the entire
weekend standing in their stupid line or
can spend 72 straight hours doing nothing but looking at their
website the week after SDCC to see when they list their Exclusives –
has generally avoided dynamically posed figures. They have definitely
released some pathetically articulated figures over the years, but
for the most part I think they have avoided the “squatting and
screaming” style.
However.
If
we’re talking minifigures and statues all of that stuff is fine.
Make a character squat, crouch, kick, jump, dance, scream, make a
kissyface, concentrate, or have that sort of sassy stance with their
hands on their hips and their head cocked to the side.
All
of that is fine for minifigures and statues because...
I
don’t know. I guess because those collectibles are generally trying
to capture one specific point in time as opposed to really being
played with. Going back to when I was a kid, I needed to be able to
tell stories with my figures. Lots of different stories. And when one
is permanently posed or has a specific expression, that’s just one
story.
2
I
miss the heck out of playsets and am concerned that vehicles are
going the same way.
There
are a lot of factors involved in the disappearance of playsets from
toy aisles, but I feel like the biggest culprit is Walmart. I said as
much in a post entitled Boycott Walmart.
I did that for a while, but it proved difficult and I lapsed. I need
to try again. Every time I see their pathetic action figure aisle it
fills me with rage.
And
now I have to worry about Target – the place where I have bought
the bulk of my non-NECA toys over the past several years – closing.
I love Target. Not just because they have a tendency to get toy lines
in before anybody else around here, but because they have pretty good
quality stuff at reasonable prices. Not that I’m any kind of style
person or whatever, but pretty much everything in Target fits my
sensibilities a whole lot better than what Walmart carries. Plus
Target has a much lower shitbag quotient than Walmart. The problem
seems to be that we are a nation of shitbags and if you don’t aim
at the lowest common denominator you are going to be in trouble.
Dammit.
I don’t want to get all sociological here. Let me get back to
playsets.
Given
the choice, I’d much rather display my Star Wars figures on the
Death Star or a Sandcrawler or a Mon Cal cruiser than on a shelf.
It’s why I spent a lot of time and a little money to buy the
various figures needed to assemble the bar from Chalmun’s Cantina
(which, holy shit, I guess isn’t Chalmun’s Cantina anymore):
I
had
to have that bar when I found out it existed. It was produced in the
years when I wasn’t actively collecting Star Wars toys. I found one
piece of it on clearance somewhere and had to track the rest down. To
me, this seems like a perfectly reasonable way to release playsets or
dioramas. Granted, Mattel tried it with their Young Justice line, but
those figures were way overpriced and the diorama left a lot to be
desired.
The
recent Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Sewer Lair playset (which I never
got around to reviewing) made me extremely happy. Me and Lil’
Troublemaker spent a day putting it together and playing with it and
in the end I gave it to him because he loves the Ninja Turtles way
more than I do right now and he actually plays with it as opposed to
just letting it sit in a corner.
Just
for fun, here are the best playsets I remember from my childhood:
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| From RebelScum.com |
The
Death Star Playset
– I played with this more than any other playset. It was everything
from the Death Star to COBRA headquarters to the USS Enterprise to
the Ghostbusters firehouse. Every inch of every level of this thing
was awesome. It might be the best playset of all time.
The
COBRA Terrordrome
(which I recently reacquired; well – most of it) – Or this might
be the best. When this thing came out I switched over to COBRA’s
side. I’m only just now remembering this, but my pre-Terrordrome
play habits were to basically have the Joes constantly out on
missions to hunt down COBRA agents. But once I had this mighty
fortress, COBRA started its true plans to rule the world. I started
to identify more with Cobra Commander and Destro. They were now the
protagonists and the instigators.
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| From YoeJoe.com |
The
GI Joe Mobile Command Center
– The original Joe HQ – the silver one – was an awesome
playset. I loved that thing. But the Mobile Headquarters was a thing
of beauty. Now the Joes could operate from anywhere.
I liked this thing even more than the Flagg. I’m still kicking
myself for not buying the retooled version a few years ago when Toys
R Us had it.
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| From RebelScum.com |
The
Ewok Village
– Such a stupid locale, and yet such a good playset. Don’t get me
wrong – I love the Ewoks. But their little village was hardly the
coolest location for Star Wars action figure play. Compared to
Chalmun’s (it’s going to be really hard for me to stop calling it
that), the Death Star, the Star Destroyer, the Millennium Falcon,
Cloud City, or even the Emperor’s bathroom; pretty much any locale
in the Original Trilogy would have looked more awesome than some
platform stuck in a couple of trees. But this thing had a bunch of
features and was just fun to play with. It was kind of a lame spot,
but it was a great toy.
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| From TheSWCA.com |
The
Dagobah Playset
– Speaking of lame spots, who the heck really wanted Yoda’s hut?
But once again the geniuses at Kenner packed a ton of play features
into what should have been a ridiculously lame environment.
Recreating scenes of Luke’s incessant whining was so much more fun
with a little foam swamp, floating boxes, and a hut you could jam a
bunch of figures into.
The
Dungeons & Dragons Snake Face Dungeon Thing
– This thing got a lot of play. I think we got it at a yard sale
and I didn’t know what it was until years later. Thusly
uncategorized, it became the adventure destination for pretty much
every toy line I ever owned. With its traps and treasures it was an
obvious forbidden zone. It was never aligned, either – always
chaotic neutral. Neither the good guys nor the bad guys called it
home; most often there was a race to recover whatever exotic secret
it might contain (just like every GI Joe miniseries).
Boulder
Hill from MASK
– I didn’t get this until later in my youth when one of my
friends lost his fucking mind and gave all of his toys away to the
rest of us. Somebody else claimed the Transformers before I could,
but I managed to snag all of the MASK stuff. My mom wouldn’t let me
keep it until she checked with his parents to make sure it was okay.
At the time I was outraged, but now I understand. So in one stroke I
went from owning one MASK toy – the Condor with Brad Turner – to
owning almost everything that was out. It’s easily the greatest toy
windfall of my life (I mean, other than all of the stuff my parents
bought for me).
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| From YoJoe.com |
The
USS Flagg
– This is often hailed as the greatest toy of all time. For me, the
Flagg holds bittersweet memories. It was my big gift the last year
that Santa came. To me the Flagg will always signify the end of
innocence and of an era. Despite the fact that I never really stopped
collecting toys, the Flagg symbolizes a certain portion of adulthood
that came crashing down on me. While I had hours and hours of fun
playing with it, I’ll never love it like some folks do just because
of all the baggage it represents.
That’s
it for playsets, but I have one more thing to share here about the
Flagg.
On
top of all of that other baggage, it carries the burden of
representing loss. When I returned to my parents’ home after years
of being away, I wanted to retrieve all of my old toys. Mom had
always said that I should save my toys for my own kids – even when
I denied the possibility that I would have kids or that if I did that
they would want to play with my toys – so I was expecting to find
all of my Star Wars, GI Joes, MASK, and everything else boxed up and
safe.
I
was told that everything was up in the attic. I went up and the first
thing I saw as the Flagg. It was in pieces, scattered about the attic
floor. And worse, those pieces were all warped and deformed from the
hot Georgia summers. I pulled them all down, but nothing would fit
back together. This was the case with all of the toys that remained.
I say “remained” because my mother had, over the years, gotten
rid of a huge portion of my childhood collection. Gone was everything
that wasn’t GI Joe or Star Wars; and huge portions of those
collections were missing.
I
blame myself. There were years where things were bad between me and
my parents and they probably weren’t sure I’d be back home. There
were times when Mom would call and ask me if I wanted to come and get
my things, but I lived in apartments and didn’t have room to store
toys. There’s only so long they could reasonably be expected to
take care of those things or let them take up space.
So
now I go to places like Billy’s Toys and look around and think, “I
used to have that,” over and over again. I’m sure most collectors
my age experience the exact same thing to one extent or another, but
there are a lot of painful and unpleasant memories tied up in all of
that. I feel like it’s not just the toys I lost, but years of
something else. A huge gap of misunderstanding between me and my
family that the right few words, or just a little more effort, or
just a little more patience could have undone.
Unfortunately
for us all I got my stubbornness from them and I don’t think the
scars from those years will ever go away. And no – it’s not about
the toys. The toys are nothing. It’s all the ghosts that I see when
I look at them that bother me.
Maybe
that’s why I’m such an avid collector now. I’m trying to
replace those things with new ones. Forget what was in the past and
focus on what I have now. To an extent it’s what I’ve done with
my own family. And I’m doing my best to take care of all of the
things I have now better than I did back then.
Well
that got fucking depressing. Let’s hope all of this is the end of
37 and not the start of 38. Geez.
I’ll
be back on Monday with another stupid toy review. Or maybe a sad
poem.
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