FORWARD NOTE: Now, I have to warn you
fellow toonthusiasts, it was incredibly difficult not to compose this
month's edition of Best Cartoon Ever (of the Month) in all-caps –
with the hope that you would more thoroughly comprehend how utterly
excited this cartoon can make me. I am always easily excitable when
it comes to talking toons, but this one makes my ADHD shoot through
the roof and I'm sort of like that loud, ridiculously annoying kid
you really wish was in a Ritalin coma. My enthusiasm for this show
makes me want to grab you by the shoulders and yell at you how
absolutely amazing I find it and recount the entire story line to you
at an absurd volume. So, reader dearest, if you could do me a favor
and yell a little in your head while you're reading this, it'll make
it that much more enjoyable experience. Now on to said
experience....
Left to
Right: Snagg, Zula, CONAN, Jezmine, and Greywolf
This month we join our main hero, Conan
(voiced by Michael Donovan) on his journey to remedy the living stone
forms of his mother, father, and grandfather. Decedents of Atlantis,
the barbarians hail from Cimmeria. He is accompanied by Greywolf
(Scott McNeil) - a wizard from Xanthus who is also on a mission to
restore his brother and sister to human form after Mesmira turned
them to wolves, Jezmine (Janyse Jaud) - an acrobat in search of her
real family, Zula (Scott McNeil) - a warrior priest of the Wasai
tribe and Conan's blood-brother. Towards the end of the series Snagg
(Gary Chalk) - a barbarian from a Viking tribe - joins up. The good
guys rotate in their appearances in each episode, but there are
usually at least 3 of them. Each of them are outfitted with magical
weapons that Conan's father created from a material known as Star
Metal, which, as explained by the first episode, is a meteorite that
fell to Earth in a massive shower. This material has a magical power
to reveal the true form of the bad guys in this show. (SEE I TOLD YOU
IT WAS AMAZING!!!) Conan has a Star Metal sword, Greywolf initially
has a bare staff (haha, okay) but is given the Claw of Heaven that
doubled his wizardry powers. Jezmine has Star Metal shuriken that
will “return” when commanded like Zula's boomerang and Snagg has
an ax and grapnel made from the stuff. After Conan's horse Thunder
saves his life, Snagg gives up the grapnel to be turned into
horseshoes for the comically strong-willed beast.
Thunder
Needle
Normally I loathe the “quirky
sidekick” characters in these cartoons I otherwise adore. Needle is
one of the few that is actually somewhat tolerable. He is often quite
useful to his counterpart, not just a bumbling idiot who just happens
to be super friendly and unbearably lucky to have been in the right
place at the right time. Needle, being a young phoenix, is bound to
aid Conan in his journey in order to advance to his adult form of the
all-powerful phoenix of mythology. He has phoenix powers and memories
of phoenix ancestors that the writers utilize perfectly. He can
change into “phoenix design” and become a 2D version of himself
among a few other mystical powers.
Wrath-Amon
Now on to my favorite part of this show
– the BAD GUYS!!!!!! In ancient times on this world, this giant
snake named Set nearly successfully enslaved the entire human race.
All the wizards on the planet joined together and banished him to the
Abyss (holy crap, right?!?!). All of Set's followers, the Snake Cult,
were saurian Snake Men and when he was banished to the Abyss, they
took human form so as not to be discovered. The head honcho (high
priest) Snake Man is this TOTAL BADASS named Wrath-Amon (BEST BAD GUY
NAME EVER!). Because of his supreme badassery he has the rechargeable
Black Ring that Set fills with incredible powers, making Wrath-Amon
(Scott McNeil) one of the most powerful beings on the planet.
Wrath-Amon was originally a Gila monster who was transformed into a
serpent man. He seized power from his predecessor Ram-Amon (also
Scott McNeil). As the high priest of Set, Wrath-Amon is attempting to
bring his master back into this realm by building seven pyramids with
Star Metal discs atop them – in order to do so, he must collect
every bit of the metal he can, including the protagonists' weaponry.
Wrath-Amon's annoying sidekick is Dregs (Doug Parker), a Naga. He
really never helps or does anything interesting other than take the
Black Ring while Wrath-Amon is molting and become Dregs-Amon for an
episode. He's pretty much the classical sniveling evil sidekick.
Windfang
Skulkur
Wrath-Amon has two super-underlings.
Skulkur (Doug Parker) was once a man, but black magic and a zombie
slave curse turned him into a magical skeleton zombie. He can raise
the dead, both human and animal. At one point he's riding a skeleton
elephant and I just can't contain myself when I see that, cause I
mean, seriously, a fucking Skelephant....who does that?!?!? Next we
have Windfang (also Doug Parker). He was also once a man turned into
a four-armed dragon-like creature. He turns back into his human form,
as does Skulkur, but ultimately the black magic wins. The main
difference between these two is that Skulkur LOVES being a skeleton
zombie while Windfang is constantly trying to return to his human
form permanently. Windfang is more a slave to the will of Wrath-Amon
than Skulkur.
Mesmira
Finally we have Mesmira (Kathleen
Barr), the Queen of Stygia, the city of the Serpent Men/Snake Cult.
Probably my favorite female villain of all time. There aren't that
many female cartoon villains out there, but she is by far the best.
Probably her only competition in my head is with Mystique. Mesmira
can also shape-shift, so maybe I just have a thing for smokin' hot
babes that can change into whatever form they want (even though they
usually just choose another smokin' hot babe to turn into). While not
the supreme leader of Stygia (that can only be the holder of the
Black Ring), Mesmira is of noble blood and is a powerful force and
frequently tries to acquire Wrath-Amon's Black Ring. She commands a
legion of werewolves that she created with the thorns from the
Lycanthra plant.
I know I didn't pick out a few
particular favorite episodes to outline and that's for a good reason
– I love this entire show and I couldn't pick a few that were
better than the rest. They're also so super developed that there
aren't single episodes that stand alone, each one builds strongly
from the previous one. As I said earlier, the overall storyline is
ridiculously complex. It isn't something a child could reasonably
follow, but as an adult, it's not too hard to keep up with. That's
one of the reasons I absolutely fell in love with this cartoon. About
half-way through the 63 episode series, they started doing “in next
week’s episode” and “last time on Conan” at the respective
end and beginning of the episodes, I guess for that reason (kids not
being able to follow it). It's so well-written and each episode
contributes excellently to the story arc. I didn't find a single
inconsistency, and usually they stick out like a sore thumb to me.
That says A LOT for this show.
I absolutely love the animation style
as well. There is TONS of attention to detail in the landscape and
the creatures/people. There are only a few coloration issues (like
someone's hair being black in one episode and yellow in another) but
they are minimal and probably only noticeable to people like me who
have way too much time to watch the same cartoons over and over and
over and over and....well, you get the point. There isn't a single
thing I could make an honest internetgative comment about and not
want to slap myself for saying something bad about this show.
Serpent
God Set
For almost a month I've been
singing/yelling the theme song also – so you know it was a good
one. It really gets you fired up for the following adventures!. It is
probably available on YouTube, cause what isn't these days, so do
yourself a favor and give it a listen. If you can watch it a second
time and not yell along with it, then this article series probably
isn't for you.
I don't know of another cartoon (as I
said, meant for children) that I can honestly say I like more
than this show. Conan the Adventurer has something for everyone and
everything for this someone. We all owe Sunbow Productions a debt of
gratitude for bringing us this gem. This show is not something you
can enjoyably knock out in a weekend. I tried to watch it all the way
through a few times and got about 20 episodes in before I needed a
brain-break every time. If you get your hands on this show,
definitely take the time to enjoy it and appreciate how magnificent
it is. Ya'll, SERIOUSLY, there is SO MUCH that I didn't touch on with
this show, simply because I'm at almost double the Phantom's required
minimum word count. Make it a priority on your viewing list because
it absolutely knocks the proverbial socks off of most of the shows
(and pretty much every cartoon) out there today. CONAN!
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