Friday, January 3, 2014

What Would I Say?

It’s amazing how many mind-bogglingly useless apps get created for Facebook. I tend to avoid using any sort of Facebook apps, as I do not have the income to throw away on vegetables, race cars, and candy that do not, technically, exist. I also do not want to inundate my Facebook Friends and Acquaintances with invitations and requests for things that they absolutely do not give one little, bitty shit about.

If only they all had the same consideration for me.

Every once in a while, though, you come across an app that is just harmless fun for a few hours.

Thanks to my pal Mr. Gulick, I found just such an app in “What Would I Say”. This bizarre little thing will examine your Facebook timeline and generate William S. Burroughs-style cut-ups of your status updates in an attempt to create posts that you might actually make. It’s completely stupid and oddly compelling and hilarious. If I hadn’t been at work when it came to my attention, I wouldn’t have even bothered trying it out. But being trapped in a concrete bunker with no internet (aside from occasional furtive glances at your phone while holding it out of view under the desk), no books, and no entertainment whatsoever will make you do out-of-character things.

I spent several hours on this thing, every once in a while going back to the site to see what the next stupid thing would be.

So in what is currently the laziest Needless Things post ever, I present to you a whole bunch of results from my use of “What Would I Say”. I only used posts that came close to making some sort of sense. I didn’t bother with ones that were pure gibberish.
  • That’s how much smarter I am crazy neighbor is not a decent napkins for once.
  • How about chinchillas dressed as a matter of fact, everybody just saw him.
  • Get out of steam now. – Seems like good, solid advice to me.
  • It’s been like a long wait until you hear your own it.
  • Oddly enough we don’t ever need to have responded to my calendar. – This is how I feel about every event I’ve ever created on Facebook.
  • I’m looking for the Main piece and get up with. – This is something I might have said at Dragon Con back in my bachelor days. Always looking for that Main piece. I finally found her, thankfully.
  • The new LEGO Marvel game. – Nothing more really needs to be said.
  • The bots have a TARDIS and her companion, the Bells remix in October… - Sounds like the plot synopsis for a future Doctor Who episode penned by Steven Moffat. We’ll work out the details later…
  • It almost like they thought that might show up to sleep…
  • Poot, BLAT, BLAT, sprinkle, hssssssssss, BLAT *sigh* hssssssss, splatter, BLAT *grunt* - This is word-for-word the latter half of a post about having to listen to the old men at work poop. Lazy, WWIS, lazy.
  • I guarantee Tomb of Logopolis. – would be an awesome name for a future Big Finish story. As a matter of fact, I’ve half a mind to start writing it myself. As soon as I had the Big Finish idea, a bunch of concepts popped into my head.
  • I’m in right now
  • You should ever be persecuted for liking something. – I’m pretty sure this is the Golden Rule of the internet. Of course, I was recently persecuted for not liking something. More on that on Monday.
  • Lots of abrupt to me.
  • But I want to be at Club Famous Monsters of writing. – There’s a good chance this was taken from posts that were made while I was at work, which would automatically make any “I want to be at…” statement true. “I want to be at a watching paint dry competition”, “I want to be at the place where donkey diarrhea gets cleaned up”, “I want to be at that house with all the cats in it that smells like a gigantic ammonia inhalant” – all true.
  • Bowie was difficult at best. – I doubt I’m the first to say this.
  • What really stinks is great.
  • As an impersonation of Christian Slater, which is right around the 13th!
  • Ready for Calabrese at the end of that New Adventures turd, Karatti. I told you people?
  • Thank goodness I had survived. But the show just disappointed that he just couldn’t get through 45 minutes where I could bring the moon. Almost to The heart of the doctor has been selected for 30 minutes into the Doctor. – Okay, this is basically gibberish. But I like the structure so much I couldn’t leave it out.
  • I guarantee Tomb of the way something clever to submit pieces for Needless Things anywhere and less like an actual hobby of a Sea Breeze, roofied or something. – Here’s my attempt at translating: I will kill you if you write for Needless Things. It’s not really a hobby, but I will put roofies in your Sea Breeze.
  • The last time I hurt my favorite or who in November.
  • Crazyass pharmacist just creeped me know. – Again, this seems like it might just be a post.
  • I guarantee Tomb of those trying to edit right now.
  • I guarantee Tomb of these at the end of fact, everybody that woman’s voice in the room is Davison, Smith, and Needless Things’ material all the time Arkham comes off like Bruce McCulloch doing a big, giant Needless Things. – First, I am starting to depress myself with all of this tomb guaranteeing. Second, I would love for Bruce McCulloch to do a big, giant Needless Things post.
  • And now there’s a scene with no evidence of the atmosphere. – Sounds like an episode of Star Trek or of The Following.
  • Just wrote a very stupid new feature I want more. – Every single day.
  • Advance auto parts coupons I never received a thank you – Our coupons weren’t thanks enough?
  • As close as making myself laugh with these Earth Station One Network in delicious. And obviously, thank you bet?
  • It’s Rise night on the Lord of the actual fudge. Does that Andrea is my favorite shows ever. – I was going to say I would watch a show called The Lord of the Actual Fudge, but I probably wouldn’t. I would, however, watch Does That Andrea if it was about Laurie Holden. I’d do that Andrea.
  • I think we brought an interview with Erica Durance’s Lois Lane short was awful #SummerSlam music.
  • I’m in the waiting room for over a Snuggie. – What is this, Russia? Who waits for Snuggies?
  • Just wrote 2200 words about a fan of Finch’s art. I don’t care who you need to set up being its own cool stuff.
  • Get back to work with any ideas? – No – that’s why I’m posting this stupid bullshit?
  • It’s Rise night on SyFy! – With as many “Rise of” movies as have been produced in the last decade – particularly by SyFy – I think this is likely to happen.
  • I think I don’t know Trent Reznor always asks about this legendary science fiction program, Needless Things #DoctorWho Anniversary of Leviathan was drawn out.
  • Plus, I usually appreciate it to RoboCop because that’s a lot of spam comments lately on Needless Things. – I can only hope that RoboCop is responsible for all of the spam comments. Heck, he may not even know it. His CPU could be all jacked up.
  • Best cartoon Ever quit. – This is interesting because Best Cartoon Ever (of the Month) is on hiatus right now. I certainly hope it hasn’t quit. That was a great column.
  • Half full Thought you were talking about The Dragon Con.
  • If I push this legendary science fiction program, Needless Things wants to edit if requested. Regardless of requests I will be very odd if cats started acting like he’s getting more.
  • I’ll do like the band in the good eras. I could make any money. – The first sentence is obviously a reference to Metallica, who have had good and bad eras. The second is ridiculous because nothing I do will ever make money. I feel that the word “not” is missing.
  • Much more physically expressive, silly, and they didn’t have what I wouldn’t get some sleep.
  • What really stinks is still sloooooow. And be sure it because I am watching Harry Potter and the TARDIS and I will edit if it is wrong.
  • A parade of farts. – This is my favorite. So many possibilities – people dressed as farts? Actual farts? People farting while they march? Would a band even be needed?
Be sure and check back in on Monday for stuff that isn’t stupid. Well, as stupid. I’m planning something big over the weekend, but as I write this I have no idea if it will work or is at all tenable. Either way I have a new toy review format coming. I like it more. It isn’t hugely different, but I enjoy writing them this way more.


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