This
was originally going to be for Nathan over at Son of Celluloid.
He asked me for a post about what Halloween means to me. I got going
and realized – too late – that I had veered off the path
somewhat. Maybe not necessarily from what he wanted, but from what I
had wanted to write. It happens sometimes. I tucked this one away,
started over again, and sent him that one.
The
opening few paragraphs are very similar, so if you go read the one on
his site (which you should) it will sound familiar. But they do
diverge at some point. As you know if you have been reading Needless
Things for any amount of time (or at least since last Thursday),
I am not one to waste words once they have been written. So here’s
the original version of my Son of Celluloid post:
 |
| by BelligerentMonkey.com |
My
name is Phantom Troublemaker and I am a big fan of Halloween.
I
mean, obviously. Why else I would I be here on Son of Celluloid
during the big month? Talking about Arbor Day?
I
used to live for trips to my grandparents’ house. Mainly because
they made the rules there and there pretty much were no rules (for
me, anyway). Not that I was some kind of wild kid, but I got to stay
up late and do whatever I wanted. During the day Papaw Troublemaker
would drive around Wilmington, NC (a city with its share of spooky
history) on my earliest Toy Hunts looking for whatever was the hot
toy at the time – most often GI Joe. At night, though, I would stay
up late with Granny and watch the horror movies that came on TV.
I
don’t remember what channel they were on or what the format was,
but I specifically remember watching old Hammer Horror. Christopher
Lee is my Dracula. Nobody else is even half as scary. I saw Captain
Kronos: Vampire Hunter
when I was too young to be watching such a thing and I loved it. It’s
still one of my favorite movies of all time (second only to Big
Trouble in Little China).
Those Hammer movies were my first foray into visual horror, and the
dark atmospheres, gaudy color, and heaving bosoms definitely made an
impact on my psyche. I hold Hammer up as a sacred institution and I
am thrilled that the revival of the last few years has retained the
atmosphere and quality of the movies I grew up with.
Later
on when VCRs got big we would rent movies from Blockbuster, but as my
taste grew more modern and more visceral, Granny grew less
interested. It’s probably best that my first viewing of I
Spit on Your Grave
wasn’t with my dear, sweet grandmother.
Then
there were the books. They came about because of the one rule that
did exist up there – when Granny got tired, the TV had to go off.
That was when I would raid her stash of books; all of which were
horror. Robert R. McCammon, Dean Koontz, Robert Bloch, Peter Straub –
all of those greats resided in the wicker basket that sat beside
Granny’s recliner. And every night when the lights in the rest of
the house went out and every other living soul was sleeping, I would
pull those musty paperbacks from the used book store out and read
them until I passed out. Up until a few years ago when the demands on
my time changed severely I was a voracious reader. When I first
started reading Granny’s paperbacks I would get through one per
visit. As my vocabulary and comprehension grew – thanks to the
great fiction writers, not to any effort by the government school
system – so did my pace. One book per visit became two, then three,
and so on until I was reading a book a night. I maintained that pace
up until my recent lifestyle change. It got to the point where Granny
would stock up before I got there.
I
love all of the authors above to one extent or another, but the one
man that taught me more than any other - the one that I consider to
be one of the greatest American legends – is Stephen King.
Stephen
King’s words have given me a more intimate knowledge of terror –
both supernatural and mundane – than any other medium. No movie, no
television show, no comic book has given me a more impactful and raw
glimpse into the possibilities of evil and chaos. There seems to be
literally no end to the well of ideas that spring forth from that
man. And the language he uses to create these tales is simple,
majestic, and accessible. No other author I have ever read draws you
in quite the same way King does. I don’t love everything he’s
written, but the ones I do love are the best things I have ever read.
To
get back to movies – because this is, after all, a movie site –
my taste simply hasn’t evolved much over the years. I still like
blood and guts and monsters and titties. But I can enjoy a pretty
broad range of stuff. The words “good” and “bad” simply don’t
mean much to me. I think judging movies by those standards is the
sign of a limited mind. I want to be entertained, and there are all
kinds of ways to do that. On some level, I can enjoy a crapfest like
Sharknado
as much as I can a masterpiece like The
Exorcist
(maybe even a bit more, because let’s face it – Blatty moves a
little slow sometimes…). One of my favorite movies is a no-budget
flick made by a couple of Canadians. It’s called THINGS and I can’t
recommend it enough. I did a full write-up on my site.
And
then you’ve got remakes. Remakes are a bone of contention amongst
the cinephile community and even the mundanes. Personally, I go back
to my Stephen King training on this one.
As
we all know, the adaptations of King’s works have tended to range
from Unwatchable to Not Very Good. There are a few exceptions –
Misery,
Stand By
Me,
Salem’s
Lot
among them. And then there are adaptations that were good unto
themselves but veered so far away from King’s work that they almost
ceased to have relevance to it.
Okay,
yes – that’s pretty much just Kubrick’s The
Shining.
Side
Note: If you haven’t seen the documentary Room
236
yet, you need to. It’s about all of the wacky conspiracy theories
people have come up with regarding Kubrick’s movie. It’s
fascinating – if a bit clumsy – and I guarantee by the end you’ll
be considering at least a couple of them. And it does feature actual
footage from the film, so it isn’t hard to follow.
King’s
stance on adaptations is that he really doesn’t care who makes what
of his work because the original is still intact and remains to be
enjoyed; regardless of the quality of the adaptation. I feel that
this applies to remakes, as well. And to be honest – I’ve enjoyed
an awful lot of horror remakes.
Texas
Chainsaw Massacre
(the Jessica Biel one, not the recent sequel; though I loved that
too), The
Hills Have Eyes,
My
Bloody Valentine,
and Friday
the 13th
were all worthy entries and sit on my shelf. Not only are they fun
new interpretations, each of them gave a new filmmaker the
opportunity to show skills on a level that they never would have
gotten on an original film. And besides, half of the early Chainsaw
movies were pretty much remakes anyway.
So
I’m down with remakes, and of horror movies in particular. You know
why? Because horror movies more than any other genre are dated and
defined by their time. There is a tendency not only to draw upon and
reflect the pop culture of the era, but also the political
atmosphere. So much of horror – particularly zombie flicks – has
that political undercurrent that may seem subtle at the time, but
that with age becomes more apparent and in many cases naïve and even
silly.
That’s
why I think updates are okay. To be able to take the premise of an
older movie and bring it into modern times is a fun and interesting
experiment. To see how a characters’ actions and motivations have
changed due to technology, economics, or any number of other factors
makes for an interesting study. As a matter of fact, I bet that’d
be a very interesting piece – comparing the tone of remakes and
originals against the societal atmosphere they occurred in.
Unfortunately,
I’m not smart enough for all of that. If you are, drop me a line at
phantomtroublemaker@yahoo.com.
Phantom
Troublemaker vs. 31 Days of Halloween
I’m
changing the format a bit this year in order to more accurately
portray SyFy’s schedule and also to preserve my sanity. I had the
genius idea to cut and paste the schedule directly from SyFy’s page
rather than typing it out in my own format. This has saved me an
awful lot of time and also means that individual episodes are listed
rather than blocks of programming like previous years. So what I’m
going to do is provide commentary where I feel it is needed rather
than posting next to every single entry. Don’t worry – you’re
getting the same amount of hilarious, then kind of funny, then
labored, then thoroughly disenchanted Phantom content. Just in a
different way.
Like
last year, I am covering the programming from the time this posts
until the time of the next post. That means that on Fridays you are
going to be treated to a shit-ton of this stuff.
Let’s
do it!
Oct 2 11:00 AM Ghost Mine,
Season 2 Wandering Spirits
I probably said
as much as I need to say about Ghost
Mine
in yesterday’s post, but since it looks like SyFy is going to be
serving up this falderal and flim-flam repeatedly throughout the
month, I had better have plenty more. Today I’ll point out that
there was apparently a big flap over the fact that the redhead on the
show is an actress and not an actual paranormal investigator. This
is, of course, the silliest thing I have ever heard. That’s like
being mad at somebody that told you they’re a penguin masseuse when
in reality they are a sock inspector.
Oct 2 12:00 PM Paranormal
Witness The Wolf Pack
Oct 2 01:00 PM Paranormal
Witness The Saint Of Death
Oct 2 02:00 PM Paranormal
Witness The Lynchville Secret
Oct 2 03:00 PM Paranormal
Witness The House On The Lake
Oct 2 04:00 PM Paranormal
Witness A Ghostly Affair
This is a much
better
show than Ghost
Mine
because they don’t even pretend they’re showing you real stuff.
They’re Dramatic Reenactments. What that means is that it isn’t
immediately obvious when the people are totally full of shit and you
actually get some scares.
Oct 2 05:00 PM Fangasm Beam Me
Up, Stan
Oct 2 06:00 PM Fangasm A Date
With A Supermodel
I still have
not, as yet, watched this show. I have seen more spots for it and I
have to say that it seems relatively harmless. The part where the
main geeky guy grabs George Takei’s face is actually kind of
endearing. Sometimes when you meet somebody that big you just don’t
know what to do. I guess I’ll watch this if I ever have a spare
minute.
Oct 2 07:00 PM Paranormal
Witness The Innocent
Oct 2 08:00 PM Paranormal
Witness Through The Eyes Of A Killer
Oct 2 09:00 PM Paranormal
Witness The Coven
Oct 2 10:00 PM Ghost Mine,
Season 2 Ghosts Of The Geiser Grand
Oct 2 11:00 PM Paranormal
Witness The Coven
Oct 2 12:00 AM Ghost Mine,
Season 2 Ghosts Of The Geiser Grand
Oct 2 01:00 AM Syfy Original
Movie Manticore
“Manticore”
is reminiscent of so many rad things – the mythical beast, my son’s
Imaginext toy of said beast (I am still blown away that this exists),
the evil organization from Dark
Angel.
Chances are this movie will not add to the list of radness. I’m
also a little curious as to how Halloweeny it really is.
Oct 2 03:00 AM 31 Days Of
Halloween Movie Hydra
What, exactly,
is the difference between a “31 Days of Halloween” movie and a
“Syfy Original” movie? Because I think these are both SyFy
Originals. They certainly sound like it. Maybe this is a typo.
On a slightly
related note, I still haven’t seen the remake of Clash
of the Titans.
Not because I have any aversion to it (obviously). I just haven’t
watched it. The Harryhausen one is one of my fondest childhood
memories. My point here is that I’d really like to see a revival of
movies based on Greek mythology. Judging from the box office on the
sequel to Clash
and the Percy
Jackson
movies I’m thinking that’s not going to happen. Looks like the
only big screen Hydra I’m going to get is the one led by Red Skull.
Which I guess is not the worst thing ever.
Oct 3 08:00 AM Fangasm A
Date With A Supermodel
Oct 3 09:00 AM Syfy Original
Movie The Lost Future
This sounds more
like a Twilight
Zone episode
than anything remotely Halloweeny. SyFy – I am questioning your
commitment to the season. You had better have some good stuff in
store for the rest of the day…
-Phantom
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