I
am extremely proud to be able to present today’s 31 Days of
Halloween post. The contributor is a young lady I met at Dragon Con
who attended the GI
Joe: A Real American Hero panel
with her fiancée, Snake-Eyes. They had a blast at the panel and
probably gave me too much credit for being able to talk about nerd
shit for an hour.
Zartanamiss
Prime – as she goes by – contacted me afterwards about writing
and doing stuff online. She had checked out Needless Things at that
point and no doubt had the same thought many of my contributors have
had – “Seriously? I
could do that.” This is her first post for a website – not that
you can tell – and I am totally stoked to be bringing it to you.
This is some great stuff, people.
Zartanamiss
will be pursuing her own site soon and I will definitely be keeping
you posted. For now, enjoy her review of the SyFy Original classic,
Jersey
Shore Shark Attack!
When it comes to Halloween favorites
there is nothing like a good old creature feature. I feel the mother
of this genre has to be those lovely shark movies. From the
beautifully executed cult classic “Jaws” in 1975 to today’s
mediocre catch of the day, we love to see fresh young beach-goers
devoured by rows of razor sharp teeth. It is, after all, a very real
possibility and what is scarier than being eaten alive? Well folks, I
have found a hilarious Halloween treat with some one-liners that
would be just as terrifying to suffer through. The movie is called
“Jersey Shore Shark Attack”.
Though it is not a theatrical
equivalent to an award winning pie, this flick is just funny enough
to sit down and snack on. Especially the nature of the parody:
self-proclaimed, over confident, sassy, sexy Guidos using their
heads! This bloody tart came about in the summer of 2012. The plot is
easy enough to follow. The Jersey shore was victim to a massive shark
attack in 1916 as part of its dark history. But in present day
Jersey, during the bustling Fourth of July holiday, renovations and
construction on the boardwalk have unknowingly attracted a herd of
crazed, flesh-hungry, Albino Bull sharks! It is up to the party
animal protagonist, TC - A.K.A The Complication - to save the day as
well as his group of Guido friends and the bountiful booties of the
Jersey shore.
The first victims to face a watery
death are a couple of locals that decide to go for a little night
swim in a restricted area. We get a very, very brief intro of the
shark and your typical “underwater shark view” to set the killing
mood. Our locals play splish & splash for a moment followed by a
concerned, “something touched my leg” from our unnamed Jersey
girl and BAM! An area of bloody water, they are pulled under, then
onto the main characters. Oh, you can also rest assured that there is
PLENTY of shitty, unoriginal, techno music to support our main “hip”
characters every time the setting changes. This is not a shot at
techno, my friend, it was just that bad. I was literally
laughing out loud at the sound of these horrid songs, but it just
flows right along with the main theme of being a parody.
The
cast holds few actors of note. Jack Scalia (All My Children, Red Eye)
plays Sheriff Moretti, father to our feisty young hero, TC. Paul
Sorvino (Goodfellas, Repo! The Genetic Opera) also has a secondary
role as Mayor Palantine.
All of the lead roles are played by
attractive young hopefuls, some with more under their career belt
than others. Their characters are witty parodies of their respected
original personalities in the MTV series “Jersey Shore”. We have
Balzac, J-Moni, BJ, and JP. My personal favorite still remains to be
the saucy, sultry, Guidette leader, Nooki. She’s got a hair bump on
her that would put a skyscraper to shame. The uncompromising spunk
that backs up her dominant personality is why I like her the best.
But some, maybe the male audience *throat clear*, would say her
bodacious dumper might shoot her to the top of their list. *enter
shitty techno beats*
Our favorite kind of sea monster meanie
does not look half bad, for a SyFy Channel movie. Notice how I said
“for a SyFy Channel movie”. Holy Hell these things are an
abomination to their horror movie predecessors! Of course, they are
computer generated sharks whose boundaries are restricted due to lack
of a lifelike presentation. But, I find that the sharks bear a
striking resemblance to a pissed off, hung over Danny DeVito in a
kiddy pool. The one thing I will always contend with as an avid
monster movie fan is the lack of real special effects in
today’s industry. There is nothing like seeing the actor being torn
apart limb from limb in front of your eyes, reach out and actually
touch the skin of their destructor. An enemy that is completely
computer based will never have the same visual effect. But I suppose
we cannot blame the producers for lack of trying when it comes to
making a good looking predator. There was one scene in the movie
where they actually used a shark they built. Man, that thing is
rough. The teeth look great, it is all bloodied from its earlier
meals, but the eyes look awfully….derped. The Albino Bull Sharks
have red eyes, but that just gives the prop that really fake look.
Thanks for trying, special effects guy.
It does not take too long until the
main characters figure out what’s going on and get into action. The
lack of thrilling deaths in this movie is a bit disappointing. But
the hilarious dialog and all around spacey demeanors of the
characters almost make up for it. There are two deaths in this whole
film that make it all worthwhile. *SPOILER ALERT* One of them
is a “legitimate” face of fame: Joey Fatone. Yes, he plays an
important role in the shark mania. He is performing a gig for the
Fourth of July off of a pier, crowded with screaming fan girls. This
is at a point in the movie when the Guidos have figured out details
about the boardwalk predators and plead to Joey to warn everyone
about the hordes of sharks. He laughs them off and goes on stage to
perform. The girls scream louder, the music cues up; we get a coy
look from Fatone then WHAM! Out of the water and over the stage, Joey
Fatone is eaten alive! The hungry attacker grabs him sideways before
it plunks into the water on the other side of the pier. The best part
about this whole ordeal is the amount of blood used to spray the
crowd. It was very “80’s-esque”, back when there was no
limit on the blood budget. Now the Jersey Shore knows to “stay
away from the water, bro!”
To summarize this
SyFy Channel original film gained just enough attention to obtain a
small following of shark film fanatics and your run of the mill “I
want to see some douchebags die” kind of audience. The acting was
not the worst I have seen, though it does not stand as a compliment
by any means. Hungry Albino Bull sharks look good when computer
generated, but could always be better as an animatronic being with
some Guido hanging out of its jaws. You can take the “S” out of
“Snooky”, but you can never take away the Nooki. Lastly, one must
take “Jersey Shore Shark Attack” for exactly what it is and
always will be: a hilarious spoof on an age old tradition of wanting
to be scared shitless by what lives in the water. *Screen
fades black, extremely horrible techno song with whiney
vocals*
Cast: Jack Scalia, Jeremy Luke, Melissa
Molinaro, Paul Sorvino
Director: John Shepphird
- Zartanamiss Prime
Phantom
Troublemaker vs. 31 Days of Halloween
I’m
changing the format a bit this year in order to more accurately
portray SyFy’s schedule and also to preserve my sanity. I had the
genius idea to cut and paste the schedule directly from SyFy’s page
rather than typing it out in my own format. This has saved me an
awful lot of time and also means that individual episodes are listed
rather than blocks of programming like previous years. So what I’m
going to do is provide commentary where I feel it is needed rather
than posting next to every single entry. Don’t worry – you’re
getting the same amount of hilarious, then kind of funny, then
labored, then thoroughly disenchanted Phantom content. Just in a
different way.
Like
last year, I am covering the programming from the time this posts
until the time of the next post. That means that on Fridays you are
going to be treated to a shit-ton of this stuff.
Let’s
do it!
Today
SyFy is bringing us twenty hours of Full Retard. That’s not a term
I like to use, but there’s just no other way to describe a show
that centers around Tracy Morgan talking about scaring people. And
it’s not like he even shows up like Ashton Koosher did on his
stupid show. Tracy just sits in this weird throne in a studio and
does his, “We be getting’ ready to scare some honkies! This is
gonna be KARAZAY!” routine.
That
might sound retarded enough, but the honkies in question – who, in
all fairness are not actually always honkies – are some of the most
ridiculous people you’ve ever seen on a television. It’s honestly
hard to tell if they’re even actors or not because the majority of
them are either a) gay, b) black, or c) gay and black.
Look,
I’m not trying to get into sensitive territory here, but I think we
can all agree that there are certain demographics that are a little
bit more… expressive… about certain things than others. SyFy
certainly recognizes it – you can tell from who they cast as
victims for Scare
Tactics
and even as contestants on their newer game show-style program Black
Out
(yes, seriously). If you think I’m being racist of prejudicial or
whatever, try this mental exercise; with no cues from me:
Picture
an average white dude in an empty room. Just standing there. All of a
sudden a middle-sized lizard drops onto his arm from the ceiling. He
knows he is being watched. Think about his likely reaction.
Okay,
now the same scenario, but with a black dude.
Again,
but with a black lady.
Finally,
exact same scenario, but with a gay black man.
If
the end results of your scenarios didn’t range from a jump to the
side with a startled, “WHOA”,
to
an outright conniption fit resulting in the eventual destruction of
the empty room with a man-shaped hole in the wall, Looney
Tunes-style; well, you’re just a socially dishonest person and
probably need to seek help in the form of several viewings of Fear
of A Black Hat,
Born
In East LA,
and The
Birdcage.
Anyway,
there’s no way I can track down enough videos of Astronaut Jones,
Brian Fellowes, and general Morgan foolishness to fill up this much
Scare
Tactics.
Instead, I recommend you pour yourself a tall glass of your favorite
malt liquor, pour some water over Cheerios, and enjoy SyFy’s
marathon.
Oct
28 11:00 AM Scare Tactics Killing Rosemary's Baby
Oct
28 11:30 AM Scare Tactics Vampire Stakeout
Oct
28 12:00 PM Scare Tactics Life's A Witch
Oct
28 12:30 PM Scare Tactics Alien Road Block
Oct
28 01:00 PM Scare Tactics Valet Violence
Oct
28 01:30 PM Scare Tactics Tracy The Tour Guide
Oct
28 02:00 PM Scare Tactics Uh Oh! It's Maggots
Oct
28 02:30 PM Scare Tactics If These Walls Could Bleed
Oct
28 03:00 PM Scare Tactics Chill Out
Oct
28 03:30 PM Scare Tactics Hot Under The Collar
Oct
28 04:00 PM Scare Tactics Buzz Kill
Oct
28 04:30 PM Scare Tactics Driver's Dead
Oct
28 05:00 PM Scare Tactics Pregnant With A Mutant
Oct
28 05:30 PM Scare Tactics Blown To Green Pieces
Oct
28 06:00 PM Scare Tactics Bicentennialien
Oct
28 06:30 PM Scare Tactics Barnacle Boy
Oct
28 07:00 PM Scare Tactics Touched By An E.T.
Oct
28 07:30 PM Scare Tactics The Happening Again
Oct
28 08:00 PM Scare Tactics Party Till You Nuke
Oct
28 08:30 PM Scare Tactics Corpse Whisper
Oct
28 09:00 PM Scare Tactics Alien Car Crash
Oct
28 09:30 PM Scare Tactics Gnome Sweet Gnome
Oct
28 10:00 PM Scare Tactics Fright At The End Of The Tunnel
Oct
28 10:30 PM Scare Tactics Twilight My Fire
Oct
28 11:00 PM Scare Tactics Party Till You Nuke
Oct
28 11:30 PM Scare Tactics Corpse Whisper
Oct
29 12:00 AM Scare Tactics Alien Car Crash
Oct
29 12:30 AM Scare Tactics Gnome Sweet Gnome
Oct
29 01:00 AM Scare Tactics Fright At The End Of The Tunnel
Oct
29 01:30 AM Scare Tactics Twilight My Fire
Oct
29 02:00 AM Scare Tactics Bicentennialien
Oct
29 02:30 AM Scare Tactics Barnacle Boy
Oct
29 03:00 AM Scare Tactics Touched By An E.T.
Oct
29 03:30 AM Scare Tactics The Happening Again
Oct
29 04:00 AM Paid Programming
Oct
29 06:00 AM Paid Programming
Oct
29 08:00 AM Face Off Alien Apocalypse
Oct
29 09:00 AM Face Off Living The Dream
Oct
29 10:00 AM Face Off Going For Gold
For
the 29th,
SyFy transitions to a Face
Off
marathon. Face
Off
is the best reality show I have ever watched and I really don’t
have anything snarky to say about it. Check back tomorrow for another
fantastic Guest Post, this one from Son of Celluloid!
-Phantom
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