I never ever ever ever ever thought
that I would say this, but I'm kind of getting bored with zombies. I
hate myself just a little bit for even putting it into writing. I
mean, I've loved zombies since the first time I saw Night of the
Living Dead oh so many years ago. I was instantly hooked, and watched
every zombie movie I could find from then on.
The hit or miss Italian films, the dark
times of Return of the Living Dead (they were at least funny), even
Day of the Dead despite how boring I thought it was (sorry George).
When Shaun of the Dead seemed to be reviving the genre in a fresh
direction I was thrilled. Fido, Dead Snow, Juan of the Dead – all
good zombie movies. I even liked the Dawn of the Dead remake despite
all of my purist husband's objections, and my own general aversion to
fast zombies. All that goodness was tempered with crap like the
increasingly stupid Resident Evil movies, Diary of the Dead (sorry
again George), and American Zombie. Then we go a level deeper into
hell and find Zombie Apocalypse, House of the Dead, and Rise of the
Zombies. That one was probably what pushed me over the edge. It
“starred” Danny Trejo, LeVar Burton, Mariel Hemmingway, and Ethan
Suplee. You will never find a more random cast. To be perfectly
honest it was so bad that I couldn't even finish it. But at the ¾
point where I think I turned it off Ethan Suplee was still alive
somehow. I've said it before, and I'll say it again – my suspension
of disbelief can only go so far. No way that guy outlives Danny Trejo
when the zombies come looking for lunch (sorry if I spoiled that for
anyone, but you shouldn't waste your time watching that nonsense
anyway). I still kind of want to see Retarded even though I know it's
going to be bad, but I'm just the kind of asshole who would find that
sort of thing funny. For like, five minutes.
But of course, as I'm writing this I'm
watching a Mythbusters Zombie Special. There's also a spanking new
zombie book on my kindle, and I just finished another playthrough of
Left 4 Dead 1 and 2. The irony (or hypocrisy) isn't lost on me. Maybe
it's not the zombies I'm sick of. It really seems just to be the
zombie movies. If I may get a little “cranky old lady” for a
minute (and since you can't stop me I'm going to pretend like you
gave me the okay and just say whatever I want) – things were
different when I was young. Back then if a style, theme or particular
monster became popular people just enjoyed it and called it a day.
You might get a knock off here or there, but it was a lot harder to
mass market movies back then. Now any idiot with a few friends and a
digital camera rips off the popular thing and gets it crammed onto
SyFy or Netflix as fast as they can. I watched about 30 seconds of a
movie that looked like it was filmed with the VHS camera my dad used
to shoot home movies on in the 80's. Dawn of the Dead remake do well?
Let's grab Ving Rhames and remake Day of the Dead too. People liked
Abraham Lincoln killing vampires? Let's have him kill some zombies.
And the second you dare to give one of these film school projects
gone awry a chance Netflix starts recommending countless other failed
film-making attempts to you. For simply watching Resident Evil last
week (which I guess counts as bad even though I like it) Netflix
thought I should watch Tales From the Crypt: Demon Knight, Gangs of
the Dead, and The Core. Not really sure how that last one fits into
there unless Netflix knows that I have the humor level of a
pre-pubescent boy and laugh like Butt-head every time I hear the
names Swank and Tucci together (I just did it again). But I have
occasionally been led to some good movies through the
recommendations. Boy Eats Girl, Rammbock, and Pontypool are all
definitely worth watching if you haven't seen them yet. But for the
most part zombie movies coming out now are crap, and not the kind of
crap that I actually enjoy watching. I have come to the conclusion
that it's time for a new movie monster. Trying to decide what it
would be was the hard part.
Certainly not vampires or werewolves. I
don't care if they ever come back at this point. The last good
vampire movie I can think of was The Lost Boys. There may be
something more recent that I liked, but since nothing else spring
immediately to mind it couldn't have been that good. I guess the
Fright Night remake was decent, but a lot of that had to do with the
excellent acting of both David Tennant and Colin Farrell's eyebrows.
Dudes took over vampires and werewolves
with Underworld (admit it, you only like it because of Kate
Beckinsale in skintight vinyl), and the kids took them from the dudes
with Twilight. They can keep them for all I care. Until I can think
of vampires as something other than a sparkly Robert Pattinson they
are done for me. So vampires and werewolves are right out.
I briefly toyed with the idea of
Mummies or Frankenstein monsters, but they're really glorified
zombies when you get right down to it. Mummies are just zombies
wasting gauze, and Frankenstein monsters are a build your own zombie
kit. I don't want to rally for change just to throw in more of the
same. I'm ready for something completely different.
I had been thinking that the chupacabra
might be ready for a chance, but the horrible Chupacabra Vs. the
Alamo dashed my hopes entirely. Bad CGI and Erik Estrada's acting
killed them before they even got off the ground. Sad really, because
I thought they had a lot of potential.
Sea monsters? Killer Pandas? My
Neighbor Totoro on a child squashing rampage? Nope, nope, and (I'd
love to see that) nope.
So my personal pick for the next big
movie monster is...the Sasquatch. Or Yeti, Bigfoot, whatever you want
to call them. I know that there have been movies already, but I
haven't seen anything good or bad enough to remember recently. That
means that they are prime for a comeback in a big way. There's so
many scenarios you could use them in too. One could terrorize teens
out on an “innocent” camping trip, or several could attack an
isolated mountain town during some sort of freak storm, or a group of
Yetis gang up and take down a Tibetan temple (those peaceful ass
monks have been asking for it for years). They could be extra huge
with enormous claws to rip out throats in one swipe. There could be a
giant herd of them destroying the upper northwest (don't look so
surprised Idaho). Abominable Snowmen could fight polar bears, and
kick over igloos. I can't think of any movies featuring an all Eskimo
cast so that would be a big first (and go a long way towards
convincing my husband that Eskimos aren't just Latinos in fur coats).
The possibilities are, if not endless, at least numerous.
-Beth V
Phantom
Troublemaker vs. 31 Days of Halloween
I’m
changing the format a bit this year in order to more accurately
portray SyFy’s schedule and also to preserve my sanity. I had the
genius idea to cut and paste the schedule directly from SyFy’s page
rather than typing it out in my own format. This has saved me an
awful lot of time and also means that individual episodes are listed
rather than blocks of programming like previous years. So what I’m
going to do is provide commentary where I feel it is needed rather
than posting next to every single entry. Don’t worry – you’re
getting the same amount of hilarious, then kind of funny, then
labored, then thoroughly disenchanted Phantom content. Just in a
different way.
Like
last year, I am covering the programming from the time this posts
until the time of the next post. That means that on Fridays you are
going to be treated to a shit-ton of this stuff.
Let’s
do it!
Oct
25 12:00 PM Syfy Original Movie Monster Ark
I’m
still disappointed that this movie featured a single monster rather
than an ark full. It isn’t really a bad movie, but they should have
called it Ark
With One Monster Inside, So Don’t Get Your Hopes Up.
The only time I have been more disappointed by the monster-related
content of a movie was Monsters.
I am not excited about that dude directing the new Godzilla movie.
Oct
25 02:00 PM Syfy Original Movie Red: Werewolf Hunter
Oct
25 04:00 PM 31 Days Of Halloween Movie Underworld: Evolution
Oct
25 06:00 PM 31 Days Of Halloween Movie Underworld: Rise Of The
Lycans
Oct
25 08:00 PM WWE Smackdown
If
Vince McMahon had a brain in his head he’d be featuring El
Phantasmas, Professor Morté, and the creatures of Monstrosity
Championship Wrestling on this edition of Smackdown and Monday’s
RAW.
Oct
25 10:00 PM Haven Lay Me Down
Oct
25 11:00 PM Being Human What's Blood Got To Do With It
Oct
26 12:00 AM Haven Lay Me Down
Oct
26 01:00 AM 31 Days Of Halloween Movie Wrong Turn 4: Bloody
Beginnings
Oct
26 03:00 AM 31 Days Of Halloween Movie Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines
Oct
26 05:00 AM Deals From The Darkside Titanic Deck Chair
Really?
Oct
26 05:30 AM Deals From The Darkside Houdini Handcuffs
I
won’t be up, but I’d watch this if I were. I’m a sucker for
Houdini stuff.
Oct
26 06:00 AM Paid Programming
Oct
26 09:00 AM Scare Tactics Home Video Horror
In
this episode, Tracy Morgan shows unwilling victims his collection of
home movies.
Oct
26 09:30 AM Syfy Original Movie House Of Bones
Did
I already make my annual joke about boning Charisma Carpenter?
Oct
26 11:30 AM 31 Days Of Halloween Movie Devil's Advocate, The
Not
a horror movie. Not bad, but not good.
Oct
26 02:30 PM 31 Days Of Halloween Movie Blade II
Oct
26 05:00 PM Syfy Original Movie Zombie Apocalypse
It’s
time for a ZOMBIETHON! I haven’t actually seen Zombie
Apocalypse,
but I bet it isn’t as good as the one we have in Atlanta.
Oct
26 07:00 PM Syfy Original Movie Rise Of The Zombies
This
movie stars Danny Trejo and is absolutely terrible, but in a great
way. I enjoyed it.
Oct
26 09:00 PM Syfy Original Movie Zombie Night
This
is new. I know nothing about it other than I will be recording it for
future viewing.
Oct
26 11:00 PM Syfy Original Movie Zombie Apocalypse
Oct
26 01:00 AM Syfy Original Movie Zombie Night
Oct
26 03:00 AM 31 Days Of Halloween Movie The Dead
It
would be so awesome if this was a movie were based on Sideshow
Collectibles’ excellent and strangely abandoned line of sixth scale
zombie figures, The Dead:
I
bet it isn’t.
Oct
26 05:30 AM The Twilight Zone Time Enough At Last
Oct
27 06:00 AM Paid Programming
Oct
27 09:00 AM Scare Tactics When The Larvae Breaks
Oh,
gross.
Oct
27 09:30 AM 31 Days Of Halloween Movie Case 39
This
is the only movie SyFy is showing all day long that they haven’t
already shown this month. It stars Traci Lords as a private
investigator who is looking into the kidnapping of a stripper who
actually turns out to be an advanced sex robot from an alien world.
Wait…
No,
that’s the Cinemax Original Movie, Case
69.
I
have no idea what this one is about. But I bet it doesn’t have a
sex robot.
Here’s
a fun activity (since I won’t be commenting on all of these other
movies that SyFy has already shown multiple times):
Would
you rather have a sex robot that could alter its appearance to be
anybody or anything
-or-
Be
guaranteed employment with at
least
your current salary for the rest of your life?
Oct
27 11:30 AM 31 Days Of Halloween Movie Blade II
Oct
27 02:00 PM 31 Days Of Halloween Movie Ninth Gate, The
Oct
27 05:00 PM 31 Days Of Halloween Movie Hitcher, The
Oddly enough, I don;t think SyFy has shown this one yet. The remake was okay, but you'd be much better off watching the original. And keep in mind - I'm not one of those "I hate remakes" guys.
Oct
27 07:00 PM 31 Days Of Halloween Movie Drive Angry
Oct
27 09:00 PM 31 Days Of Halloween Movie Ghost Rider
Oct
27 11:30 PM 31 Days Of Halloween Movie The Ninth Gate
Oct
27 02:30 AM 31 Days Of Halloween Movie Drive Angry
Oct
27 04:30 AM The Twilight Zone Perchance To Dream
Oct
27 05:00 AM The Twilight Zone Judgment Night
Oct
27 05:30 AM Tz: Cable In The Classroom Where Is Everybody
Oct
28 06:00 AM Paid Programming
Jumpin' Jack-O-Lanterns on a pogo stick. A whole day of Scare Tactics. Come back on Monday to see what I have to say about that.
Oct
28 08:00 AM Scare Tactics Toxic Shock
Oct
28 08:30 AM Scare Tactics Tow Truck Killers
Oct
28 09:00 AM Scare Tactics Ghoul Bus 2
Oct
28 09:30 AM Scare Tactics Dying To Kill!
Oct
28 10:00 AM Scare Tactics It's My Party
Oct
28 10:30 AM Scare Tactics No Pain, No Brain
-Phantom
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