Ladies
and gentlemen and Phantomaniacs around the world – it is time once
again for me to recap the greatest and best wrestling show that
happens all year long!
Dragon
Con Wrestling
That’s
right – Dragon Con Wrestling happened again, all over the Hyatt
Centennial Ballroom at Dragon Con. There were thrills, there were
chills, there were spills, and there were LUCKY FUCKING CHARMS.
The
key to my discovery and eventual meeting of these mysterious men of
wrestling turned out to be my chance encounter with Miss Rachael
earlier in the day. I mentioned my quest to her; as well as my desire
to one day host a Piper’s Pit-esque interview panel before DCW. She
told me – in utmost confidence – that the force behind DCW could
be found at a very specific table before the show. Miss Rachael
specified that when I entered the lobby outside of the ballroom, I
must turn right.
And
so – like Harry Potter taking that leap of faith in whatever train
station that was – I arrived at the Hyatt Ballroom Level, girded my
loins, and turned right. Right into the annals of DCW Hooligan and
internet journalism history. Because I soon found myself facing the
two kings on their mighty thrones.
There
sat the mysterious figures known as AJ and Tiny. I knew them from
their years behind the DCW announce table, but had never suspected
they were the true powers that be. I walked over and introduced
myself, but my fame and prior inquisitions had preceded me. Both men
knew me and my work well. I asked if I could go inside and put my
bags in one of the sections – I had my beer bag and a huge bag full
of the remaining Hooligans shirts. AJ said to go on into the
backstage area and say hello to the boys.
I
did, and ended up in a great comic book conversation with Reverend
Dan Wilson and Jeff G. Bailey. I also managed to grab a picture of
the greatest wrestling gear of all time, worn by Mr. Darkstone Ross
of CANADA:
I
then went back outside to speak with AJ and Tiny about the Hooligans
situation. I just wanted to be sure the whole crew would be able to
sit together and be drunken asses as a collective. This turned out to
not be a problem – we were going to have our own section. The DCW
guys knew who we were and certainly knew how much we love DCW year
after year. Also, they wanted to create the best possible scenario
for the control and containment of what is one of the DCW Hooligans’
most valuable assets; but at the same time one of the most volatile
risks – Evil.
Evil
narrowly escaped being ejected from DCW last year because of
something to do with how the moon was shining.
Ahem.
So
AJ and Tiny and the head of DCW Security – a man called Mascot –
went over in very exacting detail what would happen if Evil – or
any of the rest of our crew – had any behavioral issues this year.
As it turned out, Evil was outside in the lobby having the exact same
discussion with some other members of Dragon Con security. I found
this out when he frantically texted me – and yes, you can tell when
a text is frantic – that I needed to get to the line immediately
and that they were in trouble. I told him not to worry about it and
that everything was covered and also not to get too drunk because
they would yank his badge and throw him out of Con.
I
cannot imagine a more dire threat.
After
I assured the DCW and Dragon Con powers that be that we would look
out for our own and be very, very loud but not problems I went back
inside to claim our section. And eat my chicken fingers, which I had
been toting around for over an hour at this point. Shortly after I
sat down I was joined by the lovely Inara, who goes way out of her
way to take care of the rest of us Hooligans every year. She was
there to once again save us a section, which she has done for the
past two years.
Mascot
was the head of DCW Security, but the Hooligans have had our very own
security guy for a few years now – a fella called Buddha. He’s a
great guy who would almost certainly be joining in on our drunken
tomfoolery if he didn’t have a job to do. Buddha came over and
reiterated about “that little guy with the beard” behaving
himself.
Soon
enough, the little guy with the beard and the rest of the Hooligans
filed into the room and it was time for this shit to be on!
CB
Suavé v. CHIP MOTHERFUCKING DAY v. Ethan Case v. Darkstone Ross
Yeah,
yeah – those are real names. AJ specifically asked me to use
everybody’s real names in the recaps and I can’t very well let
him down, can I? When DCW Chairman Buck Gently asks, I listen. For a minute, anyway.
The
opening match on the DCW card is one of the most critical events of
the whole Dragon Con weekend. If they book some sorry match with a
bunch of soft, old men slapping each others’ titties, DCW’s
natural momentum is going to be shit on. That’s why every year
there a four young lunatics jerking the curtain and putting on what
would otherwise be a Main Event caliber match on WWE Velocity.
The
match did not disappoint. The sheer arrogance and athleticism of CB
and Case meshed perfectly with Ross’ raw enthusiasm and CHIP
MOTHERFUCKING DAY’s complete inability to not lose a match. CB and
Case were both doing their best impersonations of well-known, cocky
wrestlers and would have been indistinguishable if not for the fact
that Case looks like he should be doing commercials for the new LEGO
NFL toys and CB looks like the Latinos’ new bottom bitch on OZ.
Except prettier. And also he can fly:
That’s
just about the best Macho Man Elbow I’ve ever seen live.
In
an effort to discourage the DCW Hooligans’ chants of “Muffin Top,
Muffin Top!”, CHIP MOTHERFUCKING DAY had grown out the most
ridiculous mullet I think I’ve ever seen. And it worked. We
switched to “Mullet Top, Mullet Top!” which turned out to be
nearly indistinguishable. And also, Darkstone thought we were
chanting at him, which is ridiculous because that guy is -8% body fat
and also because he had TARDIS gear, making him the Light Heavyweight
Champion of Dragon Con Wrestling.
YOUR
WINNER and First-Ever DCW Light Heavyweight Champion – Darkstone
Ross
Apparently
DCW Chairman Buck “AJ” Gently pocketed the Cab Fare Battle Royal
money last year and put a down payment on a title belt.
Washington
Bullets v. Buns of Anarchy w/ Shane Marx v. The Micro Machines
Much
to the surprise and delight of everybody, the greatest tag team in
the world made their Dragon Con Wrestling debut this year! That’s
right – the all-luchador team of the 8PM Riders!:
Ha!
Just kidding! Those are the guys that gave me all the PBR Thursday
night. They were out of beer on Friday and I didn’t share because I
am a dick. I felt very slightly awkward about it until I left them
and went back to the Hooligans’ section.
And
then the true greatest tag team in the history of Our Great Sport
entered the ring to thunderous applause and much panty-moistening –
The Washington Bullets were in DCW!
Their
opponents were Assworth and Satan Waffle in Buns of Anarchy and Corey
Hollis and his Gentleman Friend in The Micro Machines. I was
originally going to call them “Team Race Car” because of their
tights, but I decided The Micro Machines was funnier.
This
match was fucking crazy. Satan Waffle and Assworth are two big guys
that can go, The Micro Machines are tiny dynamos, and the Bullets…
well, the
Bullets.
Trey
and Jon were on fire to start, but eventually Assworth got a hold of
the younger Bullet and chopped him across the chest. To which Trey
said, “Bitch, that was like a mouse farting on a biscuit.” He
then knocked Assworth on his… backside, leapt across the ring to
take down Satan Waffle, and got a tag to Jon.
The
Buns of Anarchy were immediately gripped with intense fear and bolted
out of the ring to join their valet for the evening, Shane Marx (who
was clearly trying to ingratiate himself to the Hooligans by wearing
our colors). Jon Williams – utterly unconcerned with his own,
personal well-being and only worried about fucking up the opposition
and entertaining the slobbering DCW masses.
Trey
followed suit, but it was at this exact moment that my propensity for
taking blurry, shitty pictures at wrestling events (among other
places) kicked in:
The
Micro Machines took the advantage for a time after that, and what
followed was such a flurry of pure professional wrestling excellence
and athletic violence that I just had to take a bunch of blurry
pictures. One of them was of the Bullets hitting their signature move
– the Marion Barry – on Corey Hollis and making Dragon Con
Wrestling history!
YOUR
WINNERS – The Washington Bullets
The
Bullets became the first wrestlers in the long and questionable
history of DCW to win their debut match! An amazing feat and one that
can quite literally never be equaled. And they probably still had to
take the bus home.
Talky
Time with the Bozos
No
DCW show would be complete without appearances by Bloated Bobby
Auschwitz and Stephanie McLayin’. Unfortunately, having the pair of
them talking in the ring together is somewhat akin to watching
Catwoman
and Waterworld
at the same time.
I
never thought I’d be so glad to see Jersey Shore show up to blast
us with his repulsive man stink.
Jersey
Shore v. Totally Not Skorpion
This
match was probably totally amazing, but I got distracted by our
Viking friend talking to DCW Treasurer Earl T. “Tiny” Stubing,
Jr. and also I had to unload some of the many beers I had imbibed.
Had I a choice I would never, ever
choose a Jersey Shore match as the Piss Break, but I knew what was
coming next thanks to some backstage intel…
Shop
Teacher & Early Gentry v. Cupcake Sting & STD
His
name is actually STD. I am not making that up.
Despite
the incredibly advanced age and frail physical condition of the four
madmen in this bout… okay – these guys pretty much just punched
each other in the gut a lot. But it was really
hard.
Like, I think Shop Teacher might have sprained his wrist at one point
laying into STD. This match was something special for DCW, not
because it looked like four old, drunk guys had gotten into a fight
talking about college football outside of Cracker Barrel. No, this
match was special because Shop Teacher had the dubious privilege of
unleashing DCW’s ultimate tool of carnage and viciousosity –
LUCKY
FUCKING CHARMS
Unbeknownst
to the larger DCW audience but beknownst to Shop Teacher and Early
Gentry but unbeknownst to STD, the Hooligans had brought not one, not
two, not five, but EIGHT boxes of the deadly breakfast comestible to
the DCW Arena. Grabbing box after box, Shop Teacher unleashed stale,
marshamllowy heck upon his hapless opponent.
I
would provide more pictures, but such gruesome violence is not
suitable for the elderly, expectant mothers, or most species of
penguin.
Also,
all of those pictures are blurry, too. I am patiently awaiting all
17,953 pictures taken by the combined forces of the DCW Hooligan
photo corps – Hoolicanuck Phil and Brand New.
YOUR
WINNERS – Shop Teacher & Early Gentry
After
the match, Early promptly retired and said we were all stupid
assholes.
I
missed a good one here, too – Reverend Dan opened his mouth and a
bat flew out.
I just
missed it.
TANK
v. Shastaphonic v. Peter Pumpkin Balls v. Sweet Stevie Sassafras
I
don’t know who booked this match, but they clearly hadn’t seen
Sweet Stevie before. I don’t know why you would book three
slobbering giants against a guy with the build of a Sassy
magazine cover model.
The
match kicked off with Peter and Shastaphonic whooping the shit out of
each other while TANK wandered around ringside looking surly -
perhaps angry that Darth Pete had eaten all of the Lucky Charms:
For
his part, Sweet Stevie was standing by the DCW announce table
exemplifying Craven and Cowardly. But he couldn’t escape notice
forever. TANK walked over and grabbed the little fella by the neck.
It looked like it was all over for Sassafras, but then a conversation
ensued:
TANK:
“I want some Lucky Fucking Charms.”
Sweet
Stevie: “Hey, man – I’m sorry! I think Shop Teacher and that
guy with the beard – no, not that one, the other one; with the hat.
No not the short bearded guy with the hat, the taller one. No – not
the grey beard, the brown one. Yeah. With the little girl socks on.
They ate them all.”
TANK:
“But I’m so hungry.”
Sweet
Stevie: “Look, just let go of my neck and I’ll see what I can
do.”
So
TANK and Sweet Stevie went into the ring to ask Shastaphonic if he
had any Lucky Charms. Shastaphonic was all like, “What the fuck,
guys? I’m trying to wrestle a match here,” and smacked TANK,
which is a terrible idea. Especially when TANK is hungry.
Sweet
Stevie took the opportunity to slide back out of the ring and find –
much to everybody’s delight – one last Lucky Charms box! He
hopped back into the ring, delighted, and presented it to TANK. The
big man enthusiastically tore into the box, but his expression was
not one of a man who has discovered a box full of weird Irish
stereotypes. Instead, it was like that of a child that has run
downstairs on Christmas morning only to find socks and underwear.
Looking
absolutely despondent, TANK emptied the box into the middle of the
ring and yelled, “WHO
WOULD PUT THUMBTACKS IN A LCUKY CHARMS BOX? THAT IS NOT SAFE!”
Sweet
Stevie – who is allergic to thumbtacks – immediately jumped up
onto the top turnbuckle like an old-school cartoon lady that just saw
Jerry or that shitty little grey mouse that Jerry used to hang out
with. Unfortunately, Sweet Stevie does not live up there like
Juventud Guerrera. The little fella lost his balance and came
crashing down, right onto TANK.
And
that, my friends, is when shit got FOR REALS.
Peter
Pumpkin Balls threw Shastaphonic into the tacks.
TANK
threw Peter into the tacks.
TANK
threw Shastaphonic into the tacks.
Sweet
Stevie dropkicked TANK into the tacks.
TANK
chokeslammed Sweet Stevie into the tacks (which actually made me poop
a little bit).
Shastaphonic
slammed TANK into the tacks.
Peter
Pumpkin Balls slammed Shastaphonic into the tacks.
At
no point did it occur to anybody to just leave.
BECAUSE
THIS IS DC FUCKING W!
And
then (also because this is DC Fucking W), Peter Pumpkin Balls went to
the top rope and executed his phenomenal Pumpkinsault onto
Shastaphonic, who was laying face down in the thumbtacks.
I
bet that man is still picking tacks out of his dick.
But
somehow, through the agony of thumbtacks stuck directly into his
genitals and anus, Shastaphonic reached deep within himself and found
the courage and the fortitude to do some really big move on Peter
Pumpkin Balls that I missed because I have shitty timing.
YOUR
WINNER and 2013 DCW Dragon Cup Champion – Shastaphonic
Wow!
What an amazing night of… wait… no… it can’t be…
What
kind of evil, sadistic fuck would think that a cage was acceptable
for DCW!?!?!?
But
before I get to the single most insane thing that has ever happened
in the DCW Arena – a Steel Cage Match of DOOM – I have to talk
about a close second for that very same title.
A
DCW Legend named Azrael – that’s what he for-real goes by and
I’ll use it because of the insane and commendable thing he did –
came out from backstage with a belt and a dream. The dream was that
he could raise money for a fellow wrestler that needed it. The belt
was so that we scumbags in the DCW audience could pay $3 for one shot
and $5 for three shots and do our best to whoop the shit out of one
of the toughest sumbitches in wrestling today.
I
am not the most charitable person in the world, but I have a website
to maintain and I knew that taking the strap to a for-real wrestler
was something that would give me at least three or four good
paragraphs.
I
only had a ten, so I offered to go ahead and cover somebody else as
well. Hooligan Evil… well, he didn’t exactly leap forward. He was
more sort of shoved.
I
was first in line, and knew I had to set the bar high given my whole
gimmick. I have never actually hit anybody with a strap before
(though I have been on the receiving end of some whoopings), but I
have seen a lot of Dusty Rhodes and Tully Blanchard matches. I’ve
seen the best of the best. I got myself into position, raised my arm,
and let fly across that poor motherfucker’s back. A loud whip crack
echoed out across the DCW Arena and the bloodthirsty crowd seemed
satisfied. I felt like I could do better the second time, and I have
to say – I think I did. Unfortunately I totally forgot I was
supposed to get a third.
I
mean – I felt like two was enough and I didn’t want to smack this
brave guy up any more than was necessary.
Next
it was Evils’ turn. He had the benefit of watching my technique up
close, and I had a feeling he was going to really lay into poor
Azrael. What he lacks in size he makes up for in sheer drunkenness.
Evil
reared back with all of his might, paused to tense his muscles and
take aim, and then let fly with all of the force in his body. The
strap made contact, and a sound that was not unlike that of a mouse
farting on a biscuit resulted. There was a moment of pure, sweet
silence from the DCW crowd, and then a chorus of boos rained down
upon Evils’ drunken head.
Guys
– I don’t even remember what I did. I might have laughed. I might
have hung my head. I might have been booing. I don’t know. But I’ll
never forget the soft “pfft” noise as that strap lightly brushed
Azrael’s back.
To
Evil’s credit, he took a second shot and it was a little better.
Some
more folks stepped up and had their turn, but none were as mighty as
my blow or as weak and disappointing as Evils’.
Fairuza
v. Dollar William v. Sad Cowboy v. Slim J
v.
Mickey Rourke v. Nemesis v. Another Dude v. One Other Dude
in
the
DCW
Steel Cage of DOOM
The
first problem with having a Steel Cage of DOOM match as the DCW Main
Event is that by then I was way too drunk to remember everybody in
the match. Usually that isn’t an issue, but the second problem with
a Steel Cage Match of DOOM is that all of my pictures either look
like this:
Or
like this:
So
even with photographic evidence I have no idea who was in the match.
Suffice
it to say that everybody beat the fuck out of everybody else. The
Hooligans were going so fucking nuts during this one that I don’t
think we sat down at all. The Steel Cage had created a palpable
tension and sense of anticipation throughout the arena. The wrestlers
were even more electrified than usual by the foreboding structure and
the DCW crowd had been reduced to the state of bloodthirsty animals.
If it had been Spartacus:
Blood and Sand
there would have been titties everywhere.
Every
man in that match gave everything he had and wowed everybody in the
arena, but when Slim J ascended to the top of the cage it was like
everybody had suddenly spotted the Dark Knight crouched upon a
gargoyle in the Gotham City night. There was a breathless, intense
moment that we all shared as J gestured downward, then the room
exploded into a wild cacophony. Slim J dove from the top of the cage
onto whatever poor soul was waiting below and chants of “DCW! DCW!
DCW!” threatened to tear the roof down.
YOUR
WINNER – Every single person that saw this match live
I
don’t know who won. It doesn’t matter. That match was fucking
phenomenal. One of the most exciting matches I’ve ever seen live.
I’m tired just
from writing about it.
Be
sure to check back tomorrow for the rest of Friday night’s
adventures!
-Phantom
I am so pissed that i wasnt able to go, but I fear that the hail of lucky charms would have killed me.
ReplyDeleteWe could've brought you a little Wile e. Coyote-style umbrella. Shit - now I want to do that next year.
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