Hey
Phantomaniacs! It’s time for an all-new feature from Kalan. I
enjoyed her review of The Naked Man quite a bit, so I told her if she
ever wanted to write again I’d be happy to post it.
Luckily for all
of us, that led to this – Best Cartoon Ever (of the month).
So Kalan watches
all of these cartoons and ponders them and is now going to be writing
about them once a month for Needless Things. Which is awesome.
The first entry
is about Dino-Riders,
which came in just before I started hiding my toy hobby from the
general public. I had a bunch of the toys and to this day I think
they were some of the best I ever owned. Even now Mattel has what
basically amounts to Dino-Riders in its Imaginext line and Lil’
Troublemaker has every single one of them.
Anyway, you’re
not here to listen to me talk. Here’s Kalan:
Dinosaurs (AND
dudes riding those dinosaurs), spaceships, laser armor, time-travel,
evil Frog overlord – Dino-Riders was a 30 minute toy
commercial that had A LOT going for it, which is why it is the
inaugural pick for Best Cartoon Ever (of the Month). The show had a
short run - lasting only 14 episodes in the fall of 1988 - and was a
concept series for Tyco to push their new toy line. It was part of
Marvel Action Universe, airing alongside the Robocop animated series.
The series
follows the Valorians (good guys) and the Rulons (bad guys) in their
adventures adapting to life in Prehistoric times on Earth. The
Valorians were attempting to escape the Rulons but as they entered
warp speed with their Space Time Energy Projector (S.T.E.P.) crystal,
the Rulons locked on with a tractor beam so both parties were zapped
through space and time and here we are. The show pays pretty close
attention to using the “correct” names of less-commonly known
dinosaurs – like the Torosaurus - which I'm sure kids never really
noticed, but I do and it is a nice touch. Despite being stranded in a
strange place and time, it doesn't take long for either party to come
to the wicked awesome conclusion of “hey, there's some
dinosaurs....lets ride 'em!”
Valorians
– Mind-Zei, Serena, Questar, Yungstar, and Llahd as they step off
their ship and see dinosaurs for the first time
The main reason
this show is the Best Cartoon Ever (of the Month) is actually three
reasons – Frank Welker, Peter Cullen and Charlie Adler voice the
majority of the main characters. It will be apparent through the
development of this series that I have a pretty serious obsession
with Frank Welker, so just settle in - it's an enjoyable trip. For
Dino-Riders, he provides the voice of Krulos, Rasp, and Glyde
as well as some additional voices – I am pretty sure he does a lot
of the dinosaur sounds as well; he's pretty good at that. Krulos
provides ample opportunity for Welker to max out on the evil villain
laughs and then some. It is more than just a little exciting for me;
unfortunately, how badass he is does not translate well from the
cartoon to an internet review without going off on a tangent, and
let's face it - the internetz has more than enough of that. You'll
just have to take my word for it that you'll enjoy the hell out of
this character and voice acting. Making Rasp one of the main
second-in-commands to Krulos provides a lot of Welker-on-Welker
action, and that just makes me love the show even more. Rasp is
constantly trying to usurp command, so there is some good
back-and-forth between those two and he gets a lot of opportunities
to mumble some good comebacks when Krulos' plans backfire. Cullen
voices good guys Gunnur and Bomba and one bad guy with Antor - who
gets little action - and Adler brought Lokus and Hammerhead to life.
While Hammerhead gets some pretty choice dialog, Antor is relatively
forgettable. They are competitive with Rasp but loyal to Krulos and
constantly try to one-up each other for the favor of their leader
which adds some decent side stories to each episode. The competition
is usually who can find the best specimen of the neatest kind of
dinosaur or who can acquire the largest quantity at one time.
Basically, “Na na na boo boo, I got better lizards than you!”
Krulos
and Rasp
The Valorians
have the classic good-guys-protecting-the-environment thing going for
them, among other things. Which is pretty endearing and whathaveyou.
I'm sure if they had made it to the 1990s they would have made a big
contribution to the “cut your 6-pack plastic so stupid-ass fish
don't die” campaign. They follow fairly outright in the footsteps
of G.I. Joe characters, in a good way; they're even animated
similarly. They've got some pretty serious firepower backing them,
occasionally harnessing the S.T.E.P. Crystal for an additional boost.
I'm not sure how they did it (well, I mean, they're the good guys, so
who am I to question it), but somehow their lasers never hurt
opposing dinosaurs, they just get awfully startled and run away,
strangely able to ignore the Rulons' mind-control brain boxes on
their heads. Valorians use their AMP (telepathic) amulets to
communicate with one another and the dinosaurs they befriend (or
enslave, however you want to go about it considering the dinosaurs do
the majority of the building/rebuilding of the Valorian encampment
every time Krulos or a natural disaster destroys it).
The Valorians
and the Rulons are pretty well-organized when it comes to the
division of labor and specialties. The ships that brought them were
relatively massive compared to the “norm” for cartoon space
vehicles. The Valorian vessel is supposed to have carried 400 of
their people from the homeworld when Krulos attacked aboard the
Dreadlock (the Rulon ship - awesome name) which was nearly twice the
size of the Valorian vessel and also contained a rather large Rulon
humanoid population. The main Valorians are high-to-mid ranking
military officials, each with their own strengths that contribute to
their being relatively useful. The Valorians have within their ranks
the Commandos, a group of military elite that have a tendency to take
matters into their own hands. The Rulons are divided primarily based
on humanoid species – Rasp leads the Vipers (snake men), Hammerhead
leads the Sharkmen, and Antor leads the Antmen, shockingly
creative... I know. It can get somewhat confusing in battle scenes.
Basically, if the Vipers are attacking, for example, there are 30
Rasps on screen, there is nothing to distinguish them amongst
themselves. It doesn't change the outcome of those battle scenes, it
was just an opportunity to only have to animate a few snakes getting
laser blasted off their steeds instead of a bunch of different ones.
Rasp,
Antor and Hammerhead
As per usual,
the bad guys have the cooler equipment to carry out their evil plans.
While the Valorians have those neato AMP necklaces, it just doesn't
hold a candle to Krulos' brain boxes. Why get a dinosaur's
cooperation willingly when you can forcefully strap on a mind-control
device? I mean, sure it's pretty labor intensive, having to set traps
for gigantic lizards, and finding the materials to build them in
prehistoric Earth probably would have been difficult (unless part of
the Dreadlock’s bill of lading was 10,000 brain boxes, which in
that case, kudos to Krulos for thinking ahead) but what else are your
minions going to do? The Valorians have some pretty heavy firepower
outfitting their dinos - especially after acquiring the Brontosaurus
- but on an individual basis, for me, Krulos again takes the cake –
his steed is a T-Rex. While it doesn't pack the Bronto's Pulse
Cannon, it's a freakin' T-Rex! It's outfitted with leg armor that
has two buzz saws that can cut down trees, extendable death-grip
claws (that send me into fits of laughter because they're right under
the T-Rex's arms – yeah... there is just something thoroughly
amusing about a T-Rex that could do a push-up), and Gatling gun laser
cannons mounted on its shoulders that can explode mountains. As
addressed by Krulos and Rasp upon observing a T-Rex family enjoying a
day in a valley:
Krulos:
“What is more destructive than a Tyrannosaurus Rex?”
Rasp: “Two
Tyrannosaurs Rex?”
Krulos:
“Exactly!”
I have
re-watched this scene so many times and it is still hilarious. It is
one of my favorite interactions between these two guys and can be
found in the sixth episode “T-Rex”. Shortly after this scene, as
Krulos delves a little deeper into his plan we are rewarded with a
dual evil Welker laugh from Rasp and Krulos. What a primo plan it is,
too – dropping the baby T-Rex into the Valorian camp so the parents
will destroy it. That's thinking outside the (brain-)box! Most
definitely one of the many reasons he was the ruler of an evil empire
that spanned the universe. It's not that I'm a fan-boy (fan-girl?)
for all-things-Krulos, I'm just sayin', if you were in the same
situation, would you go for some lame-brain ankylosaurus or would you
have the balls to go after a family of T-Rex? Exactly.
If
I was outfitted with some laser cannons, I'd be smiling like this
dude too.
I've watched
the show almost constantly for about a week now, prior to even
thinking about writing for the Masked One, and it just doesn't get
old. There is always something hilariously kick-ass and new that I
catch. I love how bad I want (dare I say, NEED) the toys for this
show every time I watch it. To me that's always a good judge of the
effectiveness of writing/animating/character creation. There is a
short Wiki on the series that goes into more detail, but just do
yourself a favor and get your hands on the episodes. Dino-Riders is
the most definitely the Best Cartoon Ever (of the Month).
-Kalan
No comments:
Post a Comment