(Painting by belligerentmonkey.com)
I
can’t remember ever writing anything about Star Wars.
I
mean, obviously I’ve done toy reviews. And I’ve mentioned the
books and movies and stuff in passing, or in reference to other
things. I think you guys all have a pretty good idea about how much I
love Star Wars. But I’ve never done of those posts where I just
ramble on about my personal history with it; they way I’ve done
with GI Joe,
Faith No More,
Doctor Who
(several times), and even Iron Man
(who I had no personal history with but still managed to crank out my
1,000 word minimum).
I
hope you enjoy those posts, because in honor of the anniversary of
the release of A
New Hope
thirty-six years ago, here’s a Star Wars thing. I went into this thinking that it had come out on May 4th and that was the deal with "May the Fourth", but it came out on the 25th. "May the Fourth" just sounds funny. So this occasion just got slightly more stupid and less meaningful. But it's about Star Wars, so hooray!
Side
Note: They also took me to see Star
Trek: The Motion Picture
in the theater. Possibly because they were having trouble getting me
to sleep (heyo!).
The
first time I actually remember
seeing A
New Hope
in the theater was when my mom took me to the Fabulous Fox in
Atlanta. I have no idea what year it was, but it was long before VHS
was a common thing because I hadn’t seen it before (that I
remembered). I’d been playing with all of the toys, though, so I
knew the characters. I also think it was before my sister was born –
pre-1984. It might have coincided with the release of Jedi.
Whatever the case, that viewing was pure magic.
I
vividly remember buying popcorn and going into that grand, majestic
theater. Mom pointed up at the ceiling and the iridescent star field
painted there (does that ceiling light up or are they just
glittery?). I experienced one of my earliest cases of nerd chills
when the FOX fanfare started blaring out of the sound system, and
they only intensified when John Williams’ majestic theme followed.
As the narrative crawl ascended the screen:
A
long time ago in a galaxy far,
far away…
I
raised my eyes to that star-covered ceiling, wondering if the words
would just continue off of the screen and up into those artificial
heavens.
I’ve
watched Episode
IV so
many times since then that any particular memories of that viewing
experience have blurred and been washed away. I treasure that viewing
at the Fox, but my favorite is when I watched it for the first time
with my son on Father’s Day a few years ago. Naturally he already
had a massive collection of the little, PVC Galactic Heroes figures.
As each new character appeared in the movie, he would pick out the
corresponding figure and say their name. It was awesome.
Like
most other people you would ask, I’d say The
Empire Strikes Back
is my favorite Star Wars movie. I love the sequence on Hoth more than
just about any other movie opening. Even when I was too young to
understand the desperation of the Rebel Alliance at that point in the
narrative, I knew that people living on a planet made of ice were in
a serious situation. And as soon as the movie starts they’re found
by the bad guys. Not only that, our hero Luke nearly gets murdered
and eaten by a huge monster. I was always scared by the Wampa scene,
but what followed was absolutely terrifying – those few moments
after Luke emerges from the cave, only to find himself alone in the
middle of nowhere. The only thing that saved me – and Luke – from
absolute despair was the soothing vision of Ben Kenobi. Even as a kid
I reasoned that if that blue ghost was telling him he had to go to
Dagobah, then he must make it out alive. And sure enough, the moment
Kenobi’s message ends, Han Solo shows up on his Tauntaun to save
the day.
I
don’t think I quite understood the Tauntaun disemboweling until I
was older. It’s one of those weird things that established itself
in my consciousness so slowly, over the course of many years, that I
was never really horrified by it. Even now I dismiss it somewhat; as
we are very careful about exposing Lil’ Troublemaker to graphic
violence but neither me nor my wife thought anything of showing him
that scene.
Side
Note: It was only with huge reservations that I let my son watch
Revenge
of the Sith.
No matter what you might think of the movie itself (I still like it),
the ending is horrifying and tragic. But once your kid has older
friends you’re just going to end up in situations where you have no
choice but to let certain things go. The Clone
Wars
animated series has made every boy on the planet a huge Anakin fan –
including mine – so when he heard about another movie starring
Anakin, as well as pretty much everything that happened in it, there
was no denying him. I guess he’s handled it in his mind. I’ve
talked to him about it and he understands that Anakin chose to be bad
and do bad things and that Obi-Wan had no choice but to stop him. To
this day, though, lava is a constant environmental threat to his
action figures. Clearly there was an impact. It bums me out just to
think about him seeing Anakin burning alive. Now I feel like a bad
dad.
The
rest of Empire
is a series of exciting and different environments, all suited to
stimulate the imagination of a kid. As much as I loved Hoth, I was
also enchanted by Lando Calrissian’s Cloud City (I’ve never cared
much for Dagobah). The progression of the Bespin scenes is amazing.
Starting with bright, pristine, open hallways that slowly give way to
dark and grimy smelting rooms, prison cells, torture chambers, the
Carbonite freezing chamber, and finally the epic nettle between Luke
Skywalker and Darth Vader in the black Bespin night. Cloud City
transforms before the viewers’ eyes from a place of hope and trust
to a place of deceit and despair. It’s one of the most ingenious
uses of setting I’ve ever seen.
Side
Note: I won’t mention the Special Editions too much here. I just
wanted to say that the enhancements to the Cloud City scenes are
spectacular.
I
remember going to see Return
of the Jedi
with my dad in 1983. I even remember the movie theater we went to,
though I can’t remember exactly where it was or what it was called.
I didn’t realize it when we went in, but it slightly resembled the
Imperial bunker on Endor’s moon thanks to its design and the fact
that it was below ground level – behind a strip mall and under the
ground floor. You can bet I noticed it on the way out.
I
loved Jedi
and I still do. It was full of action, excitement, Muppets, wildly
varying environments, and sexiness. Oola and Princess Leia created
feelings in me that I hadn’t experienced since those space midgets
molested Wilma Deering on Buck
Rogers.
The movie’s pacing is relentless and only lets up towards the end
when Han and Leia and Luke have their mushy time conversations in the
Ewok village. There is so much amazing stuff in Episode
VI. New
vehicles, new creatures, new aliens. To this day it is one of the
most exciting movies I can watch.
The
ending isn’t nearly as satisfying now as it was when I was a kid.
Back then the Emperor died, Luke saves his Daddy (sort of), and the
Death Star gets blown up. Happy ending and the good guys won. Now
that I’m older and “wiser” I know that the war wasn’t over.
Even without my exhaustive following of the Expanded Universe I would
realize that the loss of a leader and one single superweapon would
hardly crush the Empire.
Which
brings me to the altered ending to Return
of the Jedi,
every second of which fills me with Nerd Rage. The galaxy-wide
celebrations are absolutely absurd, and are George Lucas’ misguided
attempt at wrapping up his war story in a neat little package. The
original ending that kept the celebrating localized to the Ewok
village makes sense. Those Rebels have just scored a major victory
against the Empire. They have a reason to party. But realistically
the rest of the Empire is still… the Empire. The Grand Moffs are
still in place and the sectors that are under Imperial rule still
are. The Emperor’s death didn’t vaporize the remaining Imperial
forces. The Coruscant scenes are especially moronic, as that is the
center of Imperial rule and its citizens are unlikely to be happy
about the end of the Empire, whether it occurs then or later.
Finally,
we have the Anakin change. As stupid as the widespread celebrations
are, the Anakin change is one of the dumbest things in a movie ever.
I understand what Lucas was going for. He wanted continuity between
the Trilogies. But it does not make a lick of sense. I’m not going
to explain it here because I have done it several times before and it
makes me tired and cranky, but if Anakin’s ghost is Hayden
Christensen then Obi-Wan’s should have been Ewan McGregor and
Yoda’s should have been CGI. Or whatever Yoda looked like eight
hundred years ago when he wasn’t a wrinkled-up old toad.
As
much as I hate to end on a sour note, I think I’m done for right
now. I didn’t cover nearly as much as I had planned, but I said
more than I thought I would about certain things. That’s how
rambling works, I guess. I just went back up to the title and
adjusted it from simply “Star Wars” to “Phantom Troublemaker on
Star Wars: Episode I” because I obviously have more to say about
the comics, toys, books, Clone
Wars,
and everything else that this wonderful, beloved, and occasionally
frustrating and mishandled franchise has to offer. I haven’t even
mentioned Disney.
I
don’t know when I’ll get around to Episode II, but I’ll try to
make it less than three years from now. The bottom line is that I do
love Star Wars and that just like every other fan, that’s the
reason I get so touchy about it when I perceive a wrong.
-Phantom
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