***SPOILER
ALERT***
I’m
not yet sure how I’m going to write this one. But there will
definitely be spoilers. I’m not sure I am going to do a full recap,
but there might be a bit more than a regular review here.
I
am a huge fan of everything Rob Zombie does.
Well,
almost
everything.
I’ve
listened to the first two White Zombie albums – the ones before La
Sexorcisto
– once. And that was more than enough. I can safely say that I am
not a fan of sludge core or whatever that is. I can also admit that
there are a few songs from the guy that simply don’t hit the mark.
His cover of “Blitzkrieg Bop” is terrible and the extra track on
the Greatest Hits album – Blacktop something-or-other – sounds
like “More Human Than Human” with different lyrics and less soul.
Of course, the argument could be made that most White/Rob Zombie
sounds an awful lot alike, but to me that’s not always a bad thing.
On
the movie front I have pretty much loved Zombie’s stuff, though in
a couple of instances it has taken repeated viewings.
Zombie’s
remake of Halloween
impressed the heck out of me. I thought he did a very good job taking
familiar characters and using them in an interesting new way. It was
the same story, but with a distinct Zombie take. Very much like a
successful cover song. The sequel didn’t do as much for me
initially, but that was mostly due to personal bitterness over not
being included in the film. You can read all about that in one of my
most popular posts and the one that probably gained me the most new
readers at once:
Once
I watched it again without expectations of seeing myself in the party
scene (called “Phantom Jam” in the movie! Seriously, Zombie –
how could you leave me out!?!) I enjoyed it. I loved that after the
opening sequence it was a complete departure from the original
franchise. I think Zombie accomplished something unique and notable
with this movie and Scout Taylor-Compton was outstanding as Laurie
Strode.
The
Haunted World of El Superbeasto
was an absolute delight. I just reposted my original review from MySpace the other day with this review in mind. I wasn’t expecting
much out of this animated feature, but what we got was one the very
best adult-oriented cartoons I have seen. The quality of the voice
acting, animation, and production was on par with what we’ve been
getting out of Hollywood for the past twenty years or so.
I
mention all of this previous work not only to pad out my word count,
but also to give you an idea of where I stand with Rob Zombie. I am a
fan. I got into a conversation on Facebook the other night with one
of those people who poo-poo Zombie because of his mass appeal or
merchandising or some other reason that basically equates to “He
doesn’t make obscure grindcore or death metal”. I pointed out
that I wasn’t defending liking the guy because I didn’t feel it
was something that needed to be defended. He makes music and movies
that are weird, interesting, and horror-infused; but that also appeal
to the masses. To me that is the most impressive talent to have –
being able to do something you love while making a shitload of money
doing it. Appealing to the masses while still maintaining that vague
thing known as “personal integrity” is admirable.
So
I was very excited about The
Lords of Salem.
After two theatrical movies in a row that were adaptations of other
people’s characters, I was ready for some more original Zombie. I
went in knowing very little – only that Sheri Moon Zombie was the
star (of course) and that it had something to do with witches.
Are
you ready to hear what I thought? Hey ho, let’s go…
The
movie opens with a bunch of gnarly witches performing a ritual. It’s
amazingly blasphemous, but I would imagine that’s how
Satan-worshipping witch rituals would go. These ladies are not
Wiccans. Meg Foster plays the head witch and turns in an absolutely
disturbing performance. Out of all the bizarre and disturbing imagery
that this movie produces, Foster’s portrayal of that witch is the
one thing that has really stuck with me. As the coven gets more and
more vile and naked, the movie alternates between them and some
pilgrim dude named Hawthorne. He is vowing to stop the Salem witches.
The narrative here is a little muddy, but that kind of goes along
with the rest of the movie.
Cut
to the present day and a radio DJ named Heidi. More specifically,
Heidi’s butt cheeks. She’s laying in bed asleep, naked but for
some knee-high socks. That Rob Zombie sure does like to show off what
a fine piece of ass he has at home.
Anyway,
we see Heidi’s morning routine and also the fact that she has a
dog, which fills me with concern that we’re going to see something
terrible happen to a dog.
Our
protagonist is part of a morning show crew consisting of herself and
two guys, both of whom I believe were named Herman. I thought this
was a weird choice, but whatever. Ken Foree plays Black Herman and
some dude with a beard plays White Herman. The scenes in the radio
station are a little hard to watch because Zombie is mocking morning
zoo crew shows pretty hard. As the trio talk, spin records, and do
their thing they also do all the stupid sound effects and
pre-recorded catch phrases that one associates with the worst of such
shows. The problem is that this movie isn’t a comedy, it’s a
dramatic supernatural thriller, so that stuff comes across as grating
rather than funny and gets old really
fast.
But
Moon, Foree, and Beardy have a good chemistry and definitely have the
patter of such shows down. So their show comes across as believable,
if annoying.
As
the story goes on you see that Beardy has a crush on Heidi and that
they might have even already had a little diddling in their past. It
is also shown that Heidi has had a drug problem in the past but is
clean now and attending meetings. This is done in a way that is
unusually subtle for Zombie, as there is only one mention of her
former habit in the dialogue and her visit to the meeting is just
something that happens naturally. It doesn’t feel shoehorned into
the plot or cheaply dramatic.
I’ll
go ahead and say right now that Sheri Moon Zombie has come a long
way since House
of 1000 Corpses.
In Salem
she displays a lot more humanity and character than she previously
has. We got to see a bit of this in Halloween
2, but
in this movie she really gets to own the performance. The movie is
all about her character and I have to say that she earned it.
Once
the main characters have been established the story kicks in. A
mysterious record is delivered to the radio station with Heidi’s
name on it. The thing is in some kind of crazy wooden box and is
labeled as being by “The Lords”. Heidi and Beardy take it back to
her place and get drunk while listening to it. This does not go well
for Heidi, as she gets a migraine/goes into a trance. Beardy just
thinks it’s weird.
Side
Note: Should a former junkie be drinking alcohol?
Other
Side Note: The music on the record – which we hear several times
throughout the movie – is creepy as fuck and pretty awesome. I
didn’t totally buy that it was made by a bunch of 16th
century witches (or whatever) but this is probably one of those times
where I’m going to find out that it was recorded using only leather
thongs, tambourines, and a bucket. I found out later that John 5 did
the score for Salem,
so I’m inclined to believe he would’ve wanted authenticity; what
with him being one of the best living guitarists and all. I dunno.
This
– as you might suspect – is the beginning of the end for poor
Heidi. What follows is a vaguely interesting but utterly predictable
story of Heidi being turned into Satan’s bride. It turns out she is
a descendent of that Hawthorne guy and is destined to bear Satan’s
baby because… reasons.
The
movie introduces a guy that I thought was Rutger Hauer but was
actually Bruce Davison. I thought he got turned into some kind of
water slug a few years ago. Anyway, Davison plays a local expert on
witchcraft. I don’t know why he’s so special. I bet you can’t
swing a black cat around by its tail without hitting a local expert
on witchcraft in Salem.
Davison
goes on the radio show and there’s a lot of the awkward dialogue
that Rob Zombie likes to pen. Seriously – if Zombie would get
somebody to rewrite his scripts and take out all of the terrible
slang and catchphrases that no human being would ever utter, his
movies would be twice as good. I can totally understand where some
people simply would not be able to get past the dialogue in Zombie’s
flicks.
While
Davison is on the show they play the record by The Lords. This time
around not only does Heidi suffer ill effects, but women all over
town go into some kind of weird trance. Davison is not particularly
pleased with what he’s hearing. He can’t quite put his finger on
it, but the music doesn’t seem right. I like the subtlety with
which Davison’s character pursues his investigation of things.
There’s no point where he goes all nuts and accuses people of being
witches or starts smashing brooms or anything. The man is just mildly
troubled by things and starts to put them all together as the plot
unfolds. It’s a well-written character and a good performance.
As
the movie goes on shit just keeps getting weirder, but at a very slow
pace. I actually nodded off at one point while waiting for things to
get as bugfuck crazy as I expected a Rob Zombie movie to get. They do
eventually get that crazy and then some, but once again – as with
the dialogue – Zombie’s desire to create his own brand of pop
culture get in the way of a truly great experience.
It
turns out that Heidi’s landlady is part of a modern-day coven with
two other ladies. They are camped out on the bottom floor of Heidi’s
apartment building and overseeing her descent into whatever state of
mind you have to be in to bear Satan’s baby. Beardy does a great
job of playing the concerned puppy dog that is trying not to be too
pushy about helping. Ken Foree is kind of tertiary, but is fun to
watch when he’s around.
There
is a ton of wild imagery in the movie. Odd tree people in Papal
outfits, midgets made of tendons and snot, goats. Lots of goat stuff.
Also, Satan looks pretty much like Dave Grohl did in Tenacious
D and the Pick of Destiny,
but with more hair. Like Chewbacca , kind of. I feel like much of the
effectiveness the scenes of Satanic possession(?) and subversion
might have had was lost by Zombie’s choices. One scene of Heidi in
a massive church-like setting meeting the snot midget would have been
much more disturbing if she hadn’t had her face painted like a
skull.
It felt like a music video. And the scene of Heidi’s final
possession – full of insane and disturbing images that I admittedly
can’t wait to watch in slow motion – was utterly ruined for me by
the choice of wardrobe and the presence of a King Diamond stand-in.
Heidi was wearing a plaid skirt straight off of HotTopic.com along
with a death metal tank top and some knee-highs. At one point in the
collection of images she is being dry-humped by a guy painted up like
King Diamond while they both wave the metal sign and rock out.
I
have to use a word here that I do not like to use, but that sometimes
is the only appropriate word – this stuff was retarded. It killed
every ounce of intensity and disorientation Zombie was trying to
create. And it’s a shame because the build to the final scene is
solid, if a bit drawn out. The movie earns its mad, freak-out climax.
But some of the choices during that climax are the equivalent of
yelling, “This is so rad!” right at the end of some great sex.
I
can gladly report that nothing bad happens to the dog.
3
out of 5
I
feel like Lords
of Salem is
Rob Zombie’s attempt at a homage to Ken Russell, Lucio Fulci, and
maybe even a little Stanley Kubrick. It is much more concerned with
style than substance, but it is certainly an admirable progression in
Zombie’s skills. Aside from some intentionally blurry shots that
felt more like mistakes than stylistic choices the movie is shot
beautifully and possesses a creepy and tense atmosphere.
All
of the actors put in fantastic performances, particularly Sheri Moon
Zombie and Meg Foster as the head of the original coven.
There
are some genuinely tense and disturbing moments in The
Lords of Salem.
I won’t ruin them here, but I did find myself on the edge of my
seat, not breathing a few times. Zombie was doing his best to use
stretches of slow pacing to emphasize short bursts of horror, but
some of those stretches were too stretchy.
I’m
not going to tell you not to see this movie, but I will say that it
is quite different from what you might be expecting. Not much death,
not much gore. Still plenty of horror, though.
-Phantom
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