This
is another brilliant idea I put up on Facebook.
I asked if anybody thought it would be a good idea for me to review
some random book from Previews’ “Green Section”.
For
those that don’t know, the Green Section is where all of the
independent publishers solicit their awful books. Whether it’s some
random collection of drawings of fetuses, pervy stories about haunted
vaginas (really!), or high-minded art school crap; the Green Section
is somewhere I never go. Ever. I’m sure there are a few decent
books in there, but it just isn’t worth slogging through all of the
huge ads for “Princess Razortits, Queen of Cum” and “Milo the
Sad Boy Comix”.
But
if somebody else wanted to pick something out for me to review, I
figured it might make for a worthwhile post. As often happens on
Facebook when I think I have a really good or hilarious idea, I got
exactly one response. It was from Varis, who liked the idea and
promised to have a book waiting for me when I went to the shop on
Monday.
Honestly,
it doesn’t look too bad. I’ve seen worse. The art isn’t
terrible, and while the titular War Goddess is in one of those
anatomically improbable poses that display both her ass and her tit,
at least she’s mostly clothed. Maybe this will be okay.
In
a first, I’ll be reviewing this as I read it. So we’ll see how
that goes.
Also,
keep in mind that this is issue 9. This signifies a few things – 1)
The creative team gives at
least nine issues worth of
a shit about the story they are telling, 2) It has sold well enough
to make it to nine issues, and 3) If the story doesn’t make a lick
of sense, it might only be because I have not read the previous eight
issues.
War
Goddess is published by
Boundless Comics, which is a division of Avatar. This issue is from
July of 2012 (a good sign that it spent six months on the shelf
before I got to it) and was available with regular, wrap, art noveau,
and – wait for it – sultry
covers. So it could well have had the exploitative T&A cover that
I was mocking. Where’s that one, Varis? If titties are available, I
want them next time. Dammit.
The
story is by Mike Wolfer, the art is by Andres Ponce, and the color is
by the hilariously 90’s-sounding DIGIKORE Studios.
Right
away there’s a typo on page 1 – “Industies”, but Marvel and
DC have typos all the time. I won’t hold that against War
Goddess. I’m a little
confused by where this green chick is, but I get what’s going on.
War Goddess has gone somewhere she shouldn’t be. And she says
“shit” right out of the gate, letting me know that this is that
kind of comic. Also, she makes it clear that she is used to dealing
with tough customers.
On
page 2 we finally get to the titties. It was a long wait. The titties
belong to the green chick, who is in the chest compartment of that
big robot. Makes sense now. It’s actually a cool visual, though I
don’t know why this robot –which I guess is more of a mech –
needs a woman immersed in lime Jell-O in its chest to run it. But
that may have been explained in issues 1-8. The action on this page
is clear. I get it. What’s not so clear is that on the next page
War Goddess appears to have run behind the walls somehow and has
busted out behind Titty-Bot.
War
Goddess and Titty-Bot fight for a couple of pages and WG finds out
that TB is bulletproof. Again, the action is fairly clear and easy to
follow, so this book is already better than the New 52 Justice
League.
Holy
shit. This book is not fucking around. They bust out the titties on
page 2 and right away on page 6 there’s a horde of zombies! On the
same page as the titties again! This might be my favorite comic ever!
Titty-Bot
decides that the zombie horde is a more serious threat and War
Goddess makes her escape. I’d like to take this moment to point out
that I do not know if “War Goddess” is actually this chick’s
name. If Chris Claremont were writing this thing I’d already know
her name, powers, current goal, and past ten years of backstory.
But
on page 7 we are shown, not told – living the Shooter rules –
that War Goddess is an okay lady. She decides she can’t leave her
new pal Titty-Bot alone to fight those nasty ol’ zombies and jumps
back into the fray, claiming “I’m a sucker for puppies, too.”
Which I took as a Jerry Lawler-esque reference to Titty-Bot’s most
prominent features. Things just got Sapphic up in here. I totally dig
the top right panel on page 8 where WG drives her fist through the
back of a zombie’s head. This releases a black tendril that is
apparently what is reanimating the zombies. But Titty-Bot can handle
black tendrils. And –thankfully – not in an anime way.
War
Goddess’ dialogue is pretty painful on page 9, but the action is
still clear and the art has stayed consistent. The backgrounds never
just fade out, the proportions never get funky, and I was never
confused as to how one panel led to the next, or which panel was
next. Never mind Justice
League, this might be
better than sixty percent of DC’s books.
On
page 10 we find out that War Goddess’ name is Pandora and
Titty-Bot’s name is “Shimmer”, which stands for some nonsense
the writer threw together so he could call her Shimmer. I like
Titty-Bot better. It turns out Pandora is following the thing that
zombified all the zombies. And Shimmer looks very sad when Pandora
drinks water in front of her. I guess it’s water, anyway. Given the
amount of tough girl sass that’s come out of Pandora’s mouth I
wouldn’t be surprised to find out she’s chugging Fireball Whisky.
Pages
11 and 12 are mostly exposition and are handled very well. There’s
a flashback that explains how the facility they are in got invaded by
the black tentacle creature. It’s all very clear and moves along
well enough that you don’t get bored. Just as they’re getting to
the bit where Shimmer is going to explain what the fuck she is, a
gigantic, black tentacle thumps down between our protagonists.
Pages
13 and 14 are Pandora and Shimmer trying to fight the tentacle. All
good stuff and well done.
On
15 and 16 the fight continues and Pandora decides that even the
combined might of the War Goddess and Titty-Bot won’t defeat the
tentacle. She wants to blow up what I’m guessing is a fuel tank.
And that’s where we get some conflict between our pals –
Shimmer’s duty is to protect the facility and she won’t let
Pandora destroy the fuel tank. She hasn’t seemed to worried about
shooting the joint up and using her flamethrower all over the place,
but I guess blowing a giant fuel tank is a whole new level.
On
page 17 Shimmer tells Pandora that the tank isn’t full of fuel
anyway, and then the tentacle rips her arm off, which actually bummed
me out a bit.
Page
18 reveals that the tentacle actually looks an awful lot like the
more outlandish depictions of Venom. Except about twenty stories
tall. Things look bad for our heroes.
Page
19 brings an interesting revelation – Pandora is old as heck. Possibly even the "actual" Pandora. She
makes a reference to using Greek Fire centuries ago in naval battles.
Shimmer is shutting down after having her arm ripped off – which
seems kind of weak for a badass enforcer mech – so is unable to
stop Pandora from blasting open the top of the tank and showering the
tentacle with powder that will possibly kill or incapacitate it.
On
Page 20 the tentacle crumbles to dust, Shimmer is unconscious, and a
new player speaks from off-panel. I also have to give the creators a
lot of credit for their use of pages. They’re good with putting
surprises and revelations the next page over so you have to turn it
to see what’s up.
Page
21 leads me to believe that it was the tentacle monster talking, only
now it is a glowing, naked demon lady. She claims to be a Warlord
from another dimension and Pandora says she is a War Goddess. Glowing
demon lady says they will meet again and just flies off, saying they
will meet again. “You bet your ass we will” says Pandora. What an
attitude on that vixen.
And
that’s the end. Well, of issue #9, anyway.
Honestly,
that wasn’t a bad comic. I’m not particularly compelled to follow
up, but it was competently done. Pandora was a little over-the-top
dialogue-wise, but she was easy to get. At no point was I confused
about her motivations or what was going on. I never felt like I was
missing anything significant, either. Pandora is ancient, she is
tracking down some sort of evil force. Got it. Shimmer was an
interesting character, and not just because of the titties. She’s a
corpse in a mech suit, which is cool. We didn’t get the backstory
and I have to admit I’m curious about that. I’m also curious
about this whole warlord from another dimension thing.
So
honestly, War Goddess
is better than about ninety percent of DC’s books.
I
could definitely go for another one of these. War
Goddess wasn’t awful at
all. If you’d like to pick a Green Section comic for me to review,
just let me know in the Comments, on Facebook,
or by e-mail at PhantomTroublemaker@yahoo.com.
-Phantom
I'm honestly shocked this was readable, and apparently halfway decent. Go figure, lol.
ReplyDeleteI love the dig at the Justice League. Except for the Throne of Atlantis story that just wrapped up, I couldn't agree more with how terrible that book is.
It really wasn't bad. And I have no idea how Justice League is now because it was too shitty for me to keep buying. But apparently War Goddess isn't coming out anymore. I couldn't find anything current on it. Not that I particularly want it. I did discover that it's based on older Avatar characters - Pandora, Hellina, and one other one. I never read any of that so I had no idea.
DeleteI basically consider the last couple issues of Justice League to be additional issues of Aquaman since it's all tied into that story, and Aquaman has been very good.
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