Since
this is the day after Days of the Dead Atlanta, I thought I’d
bring back an old favorite of mine. This is a post I did for my
Halloween Countdown back in 2008 on my MySpace
page, which I haven’t even been to in… oh, who am I kidding? I
was just there a couple of weeks ago. I’m always curious to see if
the whole thing might just disappear one day.
Anyway,
as far as I can tell I never reposted this here, even back when I was
doing regular “Vintage Troublemaker” posts. I always liked this
one and since it was on MySpace I’m pretty sure nobody ever read
it. Also, I was WAY short on time last week. Way too much to do. I had to finish putting my Phantom Murdermaker costume together,
find a costume for Mrs. Troublemaker, buy some supplies, host a Royal
Rumble party, and various other things that I knew were just going to
creep up on me. For instance – I just remembered I need an oil
change and also need to replace that busted headlight. And a couple
of taillights. And clean the gutters. See what I mean?
Now
let’s go back to 2008…
Top
Ten Movie Monsters
Crap.
I just realized I left Tremors
off the horror-comedy list, too. Put it in at, say, number five. Fuck
it. I’m just gonna do that list over at some point…
This
list seems to be mostly humanoid-type monsters. I’m not sure where
the line should be drawn between these and stranger creatures like
the Graboids from Tremors
or the Blob, but I’m certain there should be one.
I’m
talking about the tan swamp thing that Arcane turned into at the end
of the Wes Craven movie. That thing scared the crap out of me as a
kid, and I still get that nervous anticipation before he shows up
when I watch the movie now. As an aside, the creature that Arcane’s
midget turned into freaked me out too. When he jumped up on the table
the first time I saw this movie I just about shit my pants.
I
still believe the Creature is one of the greatest accomplishments of
it’s era. Even today you can’t detect seams or anything on that
suit. It is absolutely amazing. The way it moves is so eerie and
natural. As a kid, you could really believe they just filmed some
creature they found (in a black lagoon). The only reason he isn’t
higher is that I never really found the Creature all that scary, I
was just fascinated.
Big
Trouble in Little China
is one of the best movies I have ever seen. The cast is great. The
story is amazing. The effects are awesome, even now. It is a fun
flick that has kung-fu, jokes, sorcery and monsters. The best monster
in the movie is the Chinese Wild Man that serves Lo-Pan. This guy
looked like Beast-Man’s mutant cousin and gave me nightmares for
weeks. The part at the end where he pops out of the back of Kurt
Russell’s semi still gets me every time.
(Image from Phantasm.com)
These guys freak me the fuck out. The are short and fast and make horrible noises and hide in trees so they can jump on you. They made me not like Jawas as much.
These guys freak me the fuck out. The are short and fast and make horrible noises and hide in trees so they can jump on you. They made me not like Jawas as much.
If
I got sick when I was a kid, my mom would go to Turtle’s (remember
that?) and rent a couple of movies for me. Transformers,
The
Neverending Story,
that kind of stuff. One day she brought home a movie called Troll.
I can only assume she did this because she hated me and never wanted
me to sleep again. This movie scared the fucking shit out of me to
the point where I actually had to say something about it, risking my
movie meal ticket. I have only watched it once since then and it
still freaked me out. Oh yeah, Sonny Bono is in it.
I
guess that’s what it’s called, anyway. This thing is awesomely
designed and is very cool and creepy in both of the movies that
feature it. I actually had no interest in the first Jeepers
Creepers
before I saw it because it had such a stupid name, but it ended up
being a great movie. This fact is somewhat overshadowed, however, by
the shadiness surrounding the director. You can look that up
yourself. What? You’re already online, you know.
(Picture from BigBadToyStore.com)
No great monster list would be complete without Stan Winston’s Spirit of Vengeance. The first time I saw this movie I could swear that thing was real. The way that it moved just seemed impossible.
No great monster list would be complete without Stan Winston’s Spirit of Vengeance. The first time I saw this movie I could swear that thing was real. The way that it moved just seemed impossible.
3
– Werewolves (The Howling)
These
really creeped me out. Yeah, the one from An
American Werewolf in London
may be more impressive effects-wise, but these just seemed more evil
and scary. These movies gave me nightmares, too. The one in Australia
especially bothered me for some reason.
The
Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers are some of the scariest
monsters around. The fact that they want to eat us is bad enough, but
they live right
under our fucking feet!!!!
These things look great and provided a lot of horrifying moments. The
sequel sucked donkey balls, though, so be careful.
This
guy almost seemed like a Pumpkinhead rip-off. Rex would be to Pumpy
what the yeti is to a sasquatch. Rawhead Rex was scary and looked
great and all, but the real reason he’s at the top of this list is
because he went number one on a priest! This was easily the most
horrifying thing I had seen in a movie up to that point. It’s not
like it’s a little tinkle, either; he unloads on the Father like a
fire hose on a burning orphanage. Rawhead Rex is an asshole.
Until
tomorrow, stay creepy
-Phantom
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