Yeah,
that’s right. I rock a Zune. What of it?
The
Grand Hoff thought it was pretty amusing when I gave him a ride last
year. I pulled my MP3 player out of the dash and he got all
incredulous and went, “Is that a Zune?”
like I had pulled out a phonograph or a spider monkey or something. I
had to explain my unreasonable aversion to Apple products and how I
know they’re user-friendly and generally high-quality but that I
just don’t like Apple and the weird, cult-like mentality of its
users.
As far
as what’s actually on
my Zune, there isn’t a whole heck of a lot of romantic music. I’ve
got plenty of fucking
music, but not a whole lot to assist with getting to the fucking.
While I can
be romantic and seductive and all that bullshit; I’d much rather
just get straight to the point. Females mostly want to talk about
dumb shit like feelings and doilies and Sarah McLachlan and I just
don’t have much tolerance for that.
I am
here today to list fourteen songs that most properly represent the
idea of romantic love. The tunes that speak to my heart and truly
embody the spirit of this shallow, commercially-created holiday.
I’ve
always rather disliked St. Valentine’s Day. When you’re with
somebody there’s this artificial pressure to live up to some kind
of stupid standard of romance. You have to get flowers and candy and
lord knows what else. I always threw crotchless panties into the mix.
Yeah, I love you and blah, blah, blah; but you had better understand
the purpose of all those roses. Like I said – get to the point.
When
you’re not
with somebody, Valentine’s Day just makes you feel like such a big
loser that you don’t even feel like jacking off. Kind of like when
you don’t have anybody to kiss on New Year’s Eve. That’s an
empty fucking feeling, man. It’s funny – before I got married I
never went to New Year’s parties. I was always either alone or with
somebody that I didn’t particularly want to kiss.
Yeah –
my love life has traditionally been sort of a mess. Probably because
of the getting to the fucking thing I mentioned above. But that’s a
whole other can of worms. Let’s talk music!
14 –
Women Lose Weight – Morcheeba featuring Slick Rick the Ruler
This is
a guy who is so in love with his wife that he’d rather kill her
than watch her live with the fact she’s become a fat beast. That’s
powerful,
man.
13 –
U-Stink-But-I--U
– Mucky Pup (as Billy and the Boingers)
I wasn’t
sure I’d even be able to find a video of this one.
This
song came bound in the Bloom County collection Billy
and the Boingers: Bootleg
back in 1987. The fact that there are rock n’ roll songs inspired
by Bloom County is one of the best things ever.
12 –
Used to Love Her – Guns N’ Roses
A
touching narrative about a man who kills his lady, but cares so
strongly for her he has to bury her in the backyard for fear of being
apart.
11 –
She’s Crafty – Beastie Boys
Boy
meets girl, girl sleeps with boy’s friends, girl steals all of
boy’s stuff; including his old skateboard.
She
robbed them blind, took all they owned, and the boys blamed him for
bringing her home.
10 –
KKK Bitch – Body Count
This is
just a sweet little song about love overcoming diversity.
9 –
Get It On – Gargantua
Love in its purest form - rock n' roll. Or it might be about drugs. Whatever.
8 –
Car Song – Elastica
This one
is about as straightforward as I’m going to get. It’s about
fucking in and on cars.
7 –
Givin’ Up the Nappy Dugout – Ice Cube
A
beautiful ode to a lady who is full of love. And there’s even a
bonus message at the end promoting safe sex! Good message for the
holiday!
6 –
K@#0%! – Korn
A sweet
love poem set to music. This one gets a little intense, so you might want to skip it.
5 – We
Want Some Pussy
Luke and
the rest of the fellas from 2 Live Crew commiserate on the tragedy of
having penises too big to fit into girls’ buttholes. I think we can
all relate.
4 –
Sucker – Peeping Tom
Norah
Jones helps Mike Patton sing this tune about a relationship that
might be more than it seems! Or less! I still can't get over Norah Jones saying "motherfucker".
3 –
I’m At Home Getting Hammered (While She’s Out Getting Nailed) –
Banjo & Sullivan
This
rousing little ditty is actually performed by a fella named Jesse
Dayton. Banjo & Sullivan is the fictional traveling band that
gets murdered by the Firefly family in Rob Zombie’s The
Devil’s Rejects. Zombie
released this album for reasons I can’t even begin to understand,
but I’m glad he did because it’s great.
2 –
One More Minute – Weird Al Yankovic
“I
burned down the malt shop where we used to go
Just
because it reminds me of you (dippity-dippity-doo)”
That
is love.
1 –
Dallabnikcufesin - Anthrax
I can’t
think of a better expression of true love.
In
reality, Anthrax recorded this song in response to Extreme, Mr. Big,
Firehouse, and bullshit like that in the early nineties. I fucking
hate “More Than Words”.
And
there you have it, folks. Fellas, I can guarantee if you order up
some takeout, ice some Miller Lites, light some candles, and put
these tracks on the hi-fi; well – you’re going to be in for a
memorable night.
Ladies –
I’m pretty sure you stopped reading around the Slick Rick song. But
if you managed to hang in there, you should just know that there is
no more way to tell your man “I
love you” than by just
going ahead and putting on those crotchless panties.
And
bring him a Miller Lite while you’re at it.
-Phantom
Great list! I cant say that I have heard all of these, but you're inclusion of K@#0%! is great! Life is Paechy, in my opinion, is an awesome album(even though the band hates it).
ReplyDeleteI too, have a Zune. It's one of the older ones, but it's a 30 gig. It's turd-brown, but I got it on Black Friday years ago, for like, $90, brand-friggin' new! It sucks that Microsoft is no longer supporting it. I also have an aversion to Apple products.
That's the Zune I've got, except in black. I got mine back when they first came out and GameStop was carrying them. I traded in a bunch of games for it. I love the thing, but I really need something with a lot more capacity. 120GB would be nice. I just don't want to spend a couple hundred dollars on it.
Delete