Happy Valnetine's Day - The Fourteen Most Romantic Songs on My Zune

Yeah, that’s right. I rock a Zune. What of it?

The Grand Hoff thought it was pretty amusing when I gave him a ride last year. I pulled my MP3 player out of the dash and he got all incredulous and went, “Is that a Zune?” like I had pulled out a phonograph or a spider monkey or something. I had to explain my unreasonable aversion to Apple products and how I know they’re user-friendly and generally high-quality but that I just don’t like Apple and the weird, cult-like mentality of its users.

Then he told me he didn’t know anybody who hadn’t had to replace their various iProducts at some point and I felt better. My Zune is almost ten years old now and I’ve only ever had one issue. And that was fixed by a simple system reset.

As far as what’s actually on my Zune, there isn’t a whole heck of a lot of romantic music. I’ve got plenty of fucking music, but not a whole lot to assist with getting to the fucking. While I can be romantic and seductive and all that bullshit; I’d much rather just get straight to the point. Females mostly want to talk about dumb shit like feelings and doilies and Sarah McLachlan and I just don’t have much tolerance for that.

I am here today to list fourteen songs that most properly represent the idea of romantic love. The tunes that speak to my heart and truly embody the spirit of this shallow, commercially-created holiday.

I’ve always rather disliked St. Valentine’s Day. When you’re with somebody there’s this artificial pressure to live up to some kind of stupid standard of romance. You have to get flowers and candy and lord knows what else. I always threw crotchless panties into the mix. Yeah, I love you and blah, blah, blah; but you had better understand the purpose of all those roses. Like I said – get to the point.

When you’re not with somebody, Valentine’s Day just makes you feel like such a big loser that you don’t even feel like jacking off. Kind of like when you don’t have anybody to kiss on New Year’s Eve. That’s an empty fucking feeling, man. It’s funny – before I got married I never went to New Year’s parties. I was always either alone or with somebody that I didn’t particularly want to kiss.

Yeah – my love life has traditionally been sort of a mess. Probably because of the getting to the fucking thing I mentioned above. But that’s a whole other can of worms. Let’s talk music!

14 – Women Lose Weight – Morcheeba featuring Slick Rick the Ruler

This is a guy who is so in love with his wife that he’d rather kill her than watch her live with the fact she’s become a fat beast. That’s powerful, man.

13 – U-Stink-But-I--U – Mucky Pup (as Billy and the Boingers)

I wasn’t sure I’d even be able to find a video of this one.

This song came bound in the Bloom County collection Billy and the Boingers: Bootleg back in 1987. The fact that there are rock n’ roll songs inspired by Bloom County is one of the best things ever.

12 – Used to Love Her – Guns N’ Roses

A touching narrative about a man who kills his lady, but cares so strongly for her he has to bury her in the backyard for fear of being apart.

Beastie Boys - She's Crafty by jpdc11

11 – She’s Crafty – Beastie Boys

Boy meets girl, girl sleeps with boy’s friends, girl steals all of boy’s stuff; including his old skateboard.

She robbed them blind, took all they owned, and the boys blamed him for bringing her home.

10 – KKK Bitch – Body Count

This is just a sweet little song about love overcoming diversity.

 

9 – Get It On – Gargantua

Love in its purest form - rock n' roll. Or it might be about drugs. Whatever.

8 – Car Song – Elastica

This one is about as straightforward as I’m going to get. It’s about fucking in and on cars.

7 – Givin’ Up the Nappy Dugout – Ice Cube

A beautiful ode to a lady who is full of love. And there’s even a bonus message at the end promoting safe sex! Good message for the holiday!

 

6 – K@#0%! – Korn

A sweet love poem set to music. This one gets a little intense, so you might want to skip it.

5 – We Want Some Pussy

Luke and the rest of the fellas from 2 Live Crew commiserate on the tragedy of having penises too big to fit into girls’ buttholes. I think we can all relate.

 

4 – Sucker – Peeping Tom

Norah Jones helps Mike Patton sing this tune about a relationship that might be more than it seems! Or less! I still can't get over Norah Jones saying "motherfucker".

3 – I’m At Home Getting Hammered (While She’s Out Getting Nailed) – Banjo & Sullivan

This rousing little ditty is actually performed by a fella named Jesse Dayton. Banjo & Sullivan is the fictional traveling band that gets murdered by the Firefly family in Rob Zombie’s The Devil’s Rejects. Zombie released this album for reasons I can’t even begin to understand, but I’m glad he did because it’s great. 

 

2 – One More Minute – Weird Al Yankovic

“I burned down the malt shop where we used to go

Just because it reminds me of you (dippity-dippity-doo)”

That is love.

 

1 – Dallabnikcufesin - Anthrax

I can’t think of a better expression of true love.

In reality, Anthrax recorded this song in response to Extreme, Mr. Big, Firehouse, and bullshit like that in the early nineties. I fucking hate “More Than Words”.

And there you have it, folks. Fellas, I can guarantee if you order up some takeout, ice some Miller Lites, light some candles, and put these tracks on the hi-fi; well – you’re going to be in for a memorable night.

Ladies – I’m pretty sure you stopped reading around the Slick Rick song. But if you managed to hang in there, you should just know that there is no more way to tell your man “I love you” than by just going ahead and putting on those crotchless panties.

And bring him a Miller Lite while you’re at it.

-Phantom