Thanks
to a completely jacked-up sleep schedule I recently had the
opportunity to enjoy three horror movies in a single day. A few years
ago this wouldn’t have been a big deal or even worth mentioning,
but nowadays it’s a remarkable event.
I’ve
been craving horror ever since seeing Texas
Chainsaw 3D.
Well, that’s not quite right – ever since writing about Texas
Chainsaw 3D.
It wasn’t until I wrote my review
that I realized how much I had enjoyed the movie. I think my initial
uncertainty came from the not-awesome experience of watching a movie
at the Studio Movie Grill.
But anyway, writing about that fun and odd movie made me want to see
more good stuff.
Netflix
is good for that. I was awake at 4 AM the other day. This isn’t
unusual for me, but I had woken up a couple of hours before. My
shifts have been switching between days and nights more often than is
normal, so I got home at 5 PM after working twelve hours, fell asleep
around 9, and woke up at 2 AM or so. After putting together my post
for later that day, I decided it would be a good time to watch V/H/S.
V/H/S
My
automatic response to found footage movies is to think they’re
probably going to suck, but if they don’t they’re going to be
great. There tends to be no middle ground with these things. I
remember hearing some positive things about V/H/S
before it came out and then some not-so-positive things after. In
addition to some negatives here and there, Mrs. Troublemaker watched
it and said it wasn’t any good.
Despite
all of that I was still curious and mostly was intrigued by the
format – some guys get hired to break into a house and steal one
VHS tape, end up watching some other tapes, bad things happen.
Right
up front let me say that the main story is a neat device for
explaining why we’re seeing all of these random recordings, but
otherwise is useless. The characters are forgettable except for the
one guy with a mustache and the only reason you remember him is
because he has a mustache. The story isn’t particularly scary or
clever – it’s just there to get things going. The dudes break
into the house and find all these stacks of VHS tapes and have to
watch them to figure out which one they’re supposed to take. It
kind of doesn’t make any sense, but whatever. It gets us to the
point where some shitbag sticks a tape in a VCR and the real fun
begins.
The
first story is about three dudes – one very scummy and the other
two slightly less so – who get a hotel room with the intention of
bringing inebriated females there to nail them. One of the guys is
wearing spy camera glasses so he can record the evening. Whee! They
eventually meet a couple of likely candidates, but once they get back
to the room things go horribly wrong. It’s a story that you can see
going downhill, but you don’t quite anticipate just how badly
things are going to go. And the ending is just fucking nuts.
The
second one is about a couple on a road trip. The guy is a little
weird and controlling. The setup for the ending is sort of subtle and
there are only two truly shocking scenes, but it’s a good little
story about relatable people.
Number
three is a play on Friday
the 13th.
A girl brings three acquaintances – a slut, a prude, and a jock -
out to a secluded lake. Like the rest of the shorts, things go
horribly wrong. This one is a little awkward and the acting isn’t
quite as good as the others, but the payoff is cool. With some better
editing it could have been great, but as things stand this one is my
least favorite of the shorts. Still solid, though.
The
fourth short is all video chat between a girl and her boyfriend.
They’re having a long-distance relationship and the girl – who
seems to have some mild mental problems – thinks her new apartment
is haunted. This one is creepy and sinister as fuck and bugged me out
the most. There were several parts that absolutely made my skin crawl
and the ending left me… not disturbed, exactly, but definitely
creeped out.
Finally
we have the big story and the one that actually became a bit of an
internet thing. I don’t know if the producers leaked the footage or
what, but this is the haunted house one. It has a slow build, but
once it gets there shit gets fucking crazy. The guys in it are pretty
good and likable and the story is super basic but gets the job done.
This one is based more around visuals than anything else, but they
are effective.
I
definitely recommend V/H/S.
It’s on Netflix, so there’s no reason not to watch it. It isn’t
the best thing ever, but I had fun with it. I think it would be a
good group flick. I can definitely see me watching again at some
point.
4
out of 5
Wake
Wood
Like
The
Woman In Black,
Wake
Wood is
from the revived Hammer Films. While this one is not a period piece,
it is just as distinctly Hammer in both atmosphere and content. This
was actually the first release of Hammer’s comeback.
The
story takes place in a small town where a couple loses their only
daughter to a dog attack. They discover that there is a way to bring
her back for three days. They choose to do this and everything goes
just fine and none of the villagers are weird or creepy and nobody
gets their throat sliced right the fuck open by pure evil and they
find a way to keep their little girl forever and ever!
Ha!
I’m kidding. Things go horribly fucking wrong.
This
movie is very dark and emotionally charged. There are slow parts, but
the tension is so thick from what has been set up that it’s all
just an effective part of the build. And the ending. Hoo, boy.
I
started this one at about 6 AM, fully expecting to fall asleep while
watching it. I did not. As a matter of fact, I had to watch a couple
of episodes of It’s
Always Sunny
afterward just to get it out of my head. Highly recommended.
4
out of 5
The
Possession
I
watched this one the following night with Mrs. Troublemaker. Or that
night. Or whatever. Shift work, man. It fucks with your days. And
nights.
This
is from Sam Raimi’s Ghost House studio and stars the utterly
awesome Jeffrey Dean Morgan and the normally quite likeable Kyra
Sedgwick. They play a divorced couple with two daughters. Every actor
in this movie is great.
I was drawn just as much into the family dynamics as I was to the
horror story. And let me tell you – the story is utterly fucking
horrifying. Like with Wake
Wood I
don’t want to go into too many details. Suffice it to say that me
and the missus were both thoroughly creeped out. I got even more
creeped out when I found out there’s a for-real dybbuk box out
there somewhere. I don’t know where. Not because I haven’t looked
into it, but because the last person to own it – the last in a long
string of people who suffered various misfortunes while the box was
in their possession – took it to a group of rabbis to have it
re-sealed and then hid it away somewhere and won’t
tell anybody where.
I
am not overly superstitious, but I am fairly open-minded. This movie
was definitely worthy. I’ll be buying it when I come across a used
copy. I really hope there is some sort of documentary about the
actual box. The whole “Based on actual events” thing has kind of
worn thin and become more of a trigger for eye-rolling than anything
else, but The
Possession
made it work. It was just as effective as Drag
Me To Hell,
but in an entirely different way.
5
out of 5
I
feel like the less you know about all three of these the more you
will enjoy them. If you’re at all curious about any of them, just
watch them. Don’t go look stuff up.
I
should mention that after The
Possession
was over we watched Goon.
We wanted a laugh to cleanse our collective palate and a movie
starring Sean William Scott as a dumb hockey guy sounded good. And it
was. To a point. The first hour or so was definitely hilarious, but
the shtick got old. I fell asleep a couple of times and Mrs.
Troublemaker got up and went to bed. I was so bored I turned it off
and went downstairs. I don’t think it was bad, it just wasn’t
good enough to overcome our utter lack of interest in hockey. It’s
on Netflix, so it can’t hurt for you to check it out. And by “you”
I mean Little Pond if you’re reading this. You’re the only person
I know that gives a shit aboot hockey.
-Phantom
I thought Goon was pretty funny. And I was pretty impressed with myself last weekend when I watched all 4 Alien movies + Prometheus in the same day. I will confess that portions of Alien 3 were watched in 1.5 speed though.
ReplyDeleteIt's wild to actually be able to do a movie marathon, isn't it? And I really like Alien 3. Not Fincher's best, obviously, but there's plenty there to enjoy, not the least of which is an appearance by the eighth Doctor.
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