It’s
very difficult to do these recaps when I actually worked the event,
but last Friday night was such a great time I want to try and write
something.
I think I can at least give you a feel for how much fun the whole
thing was. Besides, it’s not like my regular recaps are all that
great anyway. Like last time, today’s coverage will be accompanied
by pictures taken by Headlocks and Headshots,
the very best photographic journalism covering Georgia professional
wrestling.
MCW
has found a new home in the form of East Atlanta Village’s The
Asylum. The setup is fairly similar to what we had at Club Famous Pub
for the last show,
except this place actually has a pretty massive dressing room/prep
area. It’s behind a door next to the stage, and I can already
envision a huge, Shane Morton-crafted set of jaws or something
surrounding that door at some point since that’s where the
wrestlers (and yours truly) come out.
Everybody
involved in the show had to show up a few hours before bell time to
do the stuff you gotta do before a wrestling show, so my little crew
went to eat at Flat Iron Grill beforehand. This was a surprising
experience in that, unlike other dining excursions we’ve had
(particularly inside the perimeter), it was pretty great. I had
chicken fingers with tater tots and Mrs. Troublemaker had the house
burger with fries and we both loved our meals. Angry Matt and D-Reks
enjoyed their food, as well. I also liked the atmosphere of the place
aside from the smoking. I do wish Atlanta bars would ban smoking. I
know that sounds old and uncool, but whatever. I’m sick of coming
home smelling like shit after a night out. It was especially bad in
The Asylum because there I was announcing and my throat was
killing me by the end of the night. I can’t imagine what it was
like for the wrestlers actually having physically exhausting matches
in that crap.
But
for the most part The Asylum was solid. I don’t know if the place
was cramped or if there were just so many people in there, but Mrs.
Troublemaker wasn’t able to get any decent video because of how
packed it was and my drink got violently sloshed out of my glass and
onto me several times; as well as once onto MCW Sound Man Shane
Mackey. I mean, people were just straight-up ramming into me all
night. It was an odd, hostile brand of inconsideration that took me
by surprise. I’ll bring a sippy cup for my beverages next time. Or
one of those construction hats with the cup holders on each side.
This
was the first time I had ever been in the “locker room” for a
wrestling event. Everybody was very cool, but it was a chaotic scene.
Not bad, just everybody had a ton of stuff going on. I was actually
touched by how much it seemed like a family back there. Everybody was
helping everybody else out and there wasn’t a bit of ill will in
evidence. I don’t know if that’s the norm, but it did surprise me
just a bit.
Once
I got a hold of my mic I actually had the forethought to see if it
worked. It did not. I asked MCW Head Honcho Jonathan Williams where
the sound guy was and he pointed me to the back of the room. On the
way back I ran into Lori Muffinface and Friendy Wendy. They had just
arrived. I knew Lori was having some back issues, so I did what I
could to make sure she had a seat. Then I went back to talk to the
sound guy. He wasn’t back there, so I chatted with MCW/PCW Sound
Man Shane Mackey (which is when he got my drink spilled on him) while
I waited. At some point Mrs. Troublemaker came up and bewildered him
with our drunken banter. Well, hers. Once again, my beverage was
mostly for show. The only reason I even had so many that night was
because they kept getting knocked out of my fucking hand.
The
Asylum sound guy never showed up, but Professor Morte did. He told me
there was a change of plans; that he was going to open the show and
introduce me rather than the other way around. So I handed him the
mic and told him it wasn’t working so I could go backstage and
write down all the raffle prizes.
I
had a problem with the raffle last time. Other than the runaway
success of the “Box of Meat!” chant, it was kind of a
clusterfuck. I didn’t have a good way to keep track of the prizes
or what had been given away and the person at the prize table
couldn’t hear what I was saying in the ring. There was some
confusion. This time there was even more confusion because I never
had time to transfer the unordered list of prizes I had over to my
show notes. This is because as soon as I got backstage and pulled my
pen out, I heard Professor Morte announcing me. He got the mic
working quickly.
Side
Note: I was so thrown off I didn’t have a chance to listen for my
music. Did it sound okay? Was anybody paying attention to it? I
dunno.
I
made my way out to the ring and saw a ton of the DCW Hooligans out by
ringside. I never had a chance to talk to some of them, but it was
awesome to see ‘em out there.
Every
time I set foot in a ring it’s magical. I mean, I haven’t done it
a
lot,
but it is a tremendous feeling to be a part of something that I have
been a fan of since I was a child. But last Friday night the magic
took a little while to get going. It’s my own fault for not being
on point, but that slightly early start (just a couple of minutes,
really) threw me off my game for a while. When Morte handed me the
mic, I asked the crowd if they were ready for monsters fighting and
blah, blah, blah. Then I asked if they were ready for the first
match. They went nuts and indicated they were and Fred Yehi’s music
hit. Great.
Except
that the first thing that was supposed to happen was Professor Morte
laying down the details of the tournament to crown the first-ever MCW
Champion, and then Johnny Danger was supposed to come out and set up
his Main Event match against Dragula. I totally fucked up.
At
some point in the night I ran into Duke Korey backstage and when I
lamented my error he told me he thought it was good to have started
with a match to get the crowd fired up (a sentiment I agree with).
That made me feel a little better once I gave it some thought. And I
do think it worked out better, because the opening match was fucking
rad.
MCW
Championship Tournament Match
“Bona
Fide” Fred Yehi
Vs.
“The
Lethal Dose” Stryknyn
This
match was the kickass bout you would expect it to be. These guys are
two of the best and as far as I know have never had a match before.
The action was hard-hitting and non-stop until Stryknyn managed to
lock Yehi up in a submission. I think it was a crossface, but I was
trying to pay attention to several things at once and couldn’t
enjoy the match (or any of them) as much as I normally would. Just as
it looked like Yehi was going to submit, MCW commentator DeWitt
Dawson left his position on the stage and climbed the ring apron,
distracting the Lethal Dose from the business at hand. Yehi recovered
while Stryknyn went after DeWitt, and when the skull-faced grappler
turned around he got hit with an explosive finisher (I don’t know
what Yehi calls it, but it’s Shelton Benjamin’s old finish).
YOUR
WINNER – Fred Yehi
Stryknyn
recovered in the ring as Yehi and Dawson made their way to the back.
I have to mention here that Friday night’s MCW commentary team was
made up of Dawson and the Priority Male Quasi Mandisco who, out of
respect for the wrestlers, was not wearing white jeans. It was his
first time doing commentary, but you’d never have known it from
listening to him.
Now
it was time for Professor Morte to bring out Johnny Danger. Danger
came out and revealed that he was actually a descendant of Abraham
Van Helsing, and as such had to face MCW’s flamboyantly gay
vampire, Dragula, in mortal combat. Dragula swooped out from the
backstage area and accepted the challenge. We had a Main Event!
Alabama
Wolfman
Vs.
Invisible
Man
After
a while it became apparent that the Alabama Wolfman was becoming…
aroused. He’d grab the Invisible Man and then back away, confused.
It must have been an awful time for the homophobic lycanthrope. Just
as he seemed to be getting upset to the point of distraction, some
mystery woman entered the ring and attempted to assault the Wolfman.
Referee Little Bastard was perplexed and possibly confused by the
fact that there was an extra person in the ring, yet there were still
only two people. Or perhaps a greater and more mysterious magic was
involved. Who knows? Either way, the mystery woman was eventually
cleared out of the ring and the match resumed with the Invisible Man
in control. He eventually hit Alabama with a devastating move and got
the win.
YOUR
WINNER – The Invisible Man
After
the match I grabbed the Invisible Man for an interview. Last time
there had been some kind of strange interference – likely that
mysterious magic again – but this time the voice came through loud
and clear. And it turns out the Invisible Man is actually an
Invisible Woman! Which made the Alabama Wolfman feel much better
about his Alabama hard-on.
MCW
Championship Tournament Match
Phantom
Vs.
“Do
or Die” Chip Motherfucking Day
This
match was also rad. While I will never willingly relinquish my spot
as Ring Announcer for MCW, it does kind of bum me out that I can’t
just sit and watch some of these matches as a fan. I have a lot of
other shit to think about and pay attention to and just can’t focus
on the matches like I want to. I didn’t even notice until far into
this one that Papa Marko was on the far side of the ring with Mambo
Monet, watching the action closely.
I
think that’s an important thing to point out about MCW. Yeah, it’s
fun and a little goofy and there are monsters and zombies and stuff.
But these are still action-packed, adrenaline-fueled bouts of the
highest quality. Just because a guy is in facepaint or a monkey suit
doesn’t mean he’s phoning it in. These guys are still here to
compete and give 100%. Heck, half of them wear facepaint the rest of
the time anyway. So don’t ever get confused about Monstrosity
Championship Wrestling – it’s a party and there’s rock and roll
and the chairman is a ghoul; but the wrestlers are there to put on a
show and kick each other’s asses.
Which
is what happened in this match. At least, until Papa Marko chose to
use his voodoo powers to slow down Chip Day. Phantom had just been
put down by a sick move from Chip. Day was heading for the top
turnbuckle to set up for the coup de grace when Papa Marko raised his
hand in a familiar gesture and Day fell to the apron. Once Phantom
regained his wits, he saw Day on the mat and hit his finish (can’t
remember the move) to get the win.
YOUR
WINNER – Phantom
As
Papa Marko and Mambo Monet made their way backstage, Marko beguiled
several audience members with his voodoo. He left most swaying in his
path, but one young lady was not so fortunate. The paranormal pair
laid her out with the voodoo whammy and dragged her backstage. I
called out for somebody to help, but nobody would. Including me, by
the way. Fuck that shit.
Hollywood
came out to the ring next, lamenting the death of classic pro
wrestling and blasting MCW for what he perceived as our tarnishing
of the great sport. Dark Mon – who also hates MCW – came out at
that point and threatened Hollywood. I honestly sort of lost track of
the logic here because I was trying to get raffle tickets and a cup
for Divine Danger to draw them from and also think about what I was
doing for the next match.
Dark
Mon
Vs.
Zombie
Rick Rude
YOUR
WINNER – Dark Mon
Zombie
Rick Rude laid prone on the mat long enough that I started to ask
Hollywood to come back out and retrieve his charge. But just as I
started to speak into the mic, Rude’s corpse sat bolt upright and
sort of flopped its way out of the ring.
Then
it was time for some raffle stuff and a few songs by Atlanta
favorites, Bigfoot!
MCW
Championship Tournament Match
Mason
Vs.
The
Undead Luchador Supernatural
YOUR
WINNER – The Undead Luchador Supernatural
Mojo
Jojo w/Quazzy Osbourne
Vs.
The
Angel of Death, Kagasu
YOUR
WINNER – Kagasu
Bigfoot
started playing again as soon as the match was done, and it turned
out this was the entrance for Cru Jones, who is a male stripper. He
makes Joey Ryan look tame and reserved.
(you
could tell it was him from the enormous bulge in its little doll
crotch)
and stuck a pin in its throat, preventing him from crowing.
But Jones still managed to hang in there, at least until Monet
threatened the doll’s nether regions with harm, at which point the
Pussy Gettin’ Machine left the ring and ran backstage, losing by
count out.
YOUR
WINNER – Papa Marko
After
the match Bigfoot played again and I went to check on Mrs.
Troublemaker. She was attempting to drink D-Reks under the table. He
was visibly drunk, but in pretty good shape. This was a little
shocking because I have never seen anybody
out-drink my wife. Then Jonathan found me and told me we still had
about eighty raffle prizes to give away. I think we maybe have too
many raffle prizes. Next time I’m making an orderly list and giving
a copy to whoever is working the merch table so we’re on the same
page.
After
Bigfoot got done I told the crowd to go and buy more tickets because
the Box of Meat would be given away after the Main Event and that
right now we were doing a speed round. This started the fourth or
fifth “Box of Meat” chant of the night. People really love to
chant, “Box of Meat”. I’m pretty sure we need to print up some
MCW/(butcher shop) Box of Meat t-shirts.
And
now ladies and gentlemen, your Monstrosity Championship Wrestling
Main Event!
Johnny
Danger Van Helsing
Vs.
Dragula
But
Dragula was not impressed by those bitches.
Finally
Danger realized he had no other course but to pursue one-on-one
combat with the glittery bloodsucker. It was ON.
Dragula
kept control for most of the match, with Danger getting the
occasional offense. But before things could really get going, those
bastardly dastards the Wolfman cousins ran out of the back and
attacked the Queen of the Damned. While Danger backed into a corner
of the ring, the flea-bitten duo laid into Dragula.
Once
he was subdued, Danger pulled a stake out of his bag and stood over
Dragula’s prone, sparkly form. He was obviously torn. Then Bigfoot
started playing again, signaling the single most momentous event in
MCW history thus far:
Bigfoot
reared back his massive head and let loose a furious roar so loud and
violent it probably knocked one dude out of another dude all the way
down the street at Mary’s. The enraged beast then dropped the
biggest Mongolian chop you’ve ever seen (likely learned from his
cousin, the Almas) on Kentucky and batted Alabama aside as though the
werewolf was nothing more than a lowly Skywalker sitting atop a
Tauntaun. Once both Wolfman cousins were out of the ring Bigfoot gave
one last, triumphant roar and made his exit. It was fucking chaos.
Side
Note: I got my Yehi shirt. One down, two to go. One has nothing to do
with MCW, so I should really stop mentioning it here. Oh, and I need
to remember to get an MCW shirt.
If
you’d like to learn more about the wrestlers and monsters of
Monstrosity Championship Wrestling, your local library isn’t going
to do you a bit of good. But you can always check out Facebook! These are all of the available fan pages for MCW:
-Phantom
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