Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Monstrosity Championship Wrestling 1/4/2013

It’s very difficult to do these recaps when I actually worked the event, but last Friday night was such a great time I want to try and write something. I think I can at least give you a feel for how much fun the whole thing was. Besides, it’s not like my regular recaps are all that great anyway. Like last time, today’s coverage will be accompanied by pictures taken by Headlocks and Headshots, the very best photographic journalism covering Georgia professional wrestling.
MCW has found a new home in the form of East Atlanta Village’s The Asylum. The setup is fairly similar to what we had at Club Famous Pub for the last show, except this place actually has a pretty massive dressing room/prep area. It’s behind a door next to the stage, and I can already envision a huge, Shane Morton-crafted set of jaws or something surrounding that door at some point since that’s where the wrestlers (and yours truly) come out.
            Everybody involved in the show had to show up a few hours before bell time to do the stuff you gotta do before a wrestling show, so my little crew went to eat at Flat Iron Grill beforehand. This was a surprising experience in that, unlike other dining excursions we’ve had (particularly inside the perimeter), it was pretty great. I had chicken fingers with tater tots and Mrs. Troublemaker had the house burger with fries and we both loved our meals. Angry Matt and D-Reks enjoyed their food, as well. I also liked the atmosphere of the place aside from the smoking. I do wish Atlanta bars would ban smoking. I know that sounds old and uncool, but whatever. I’m sick of coming home smelling like shit after a night out. It was especially bad in The Asylum because there I was announcing and my throat was killing me by the end of the night. I can’t imagine what it was like for the wrestlers actually having physically exhausting matches in that crap.
But for the most part The Asylum was solid. I don’t know if the place was cramped or if there were just so many people in there, but Mrs. Troublemaker wasn’t able to get any decent video because of how packed it was and my drink got violently sloshed out of my glass and onto me several times; as well as once onto MCW Sound Man Shane Mackey. I mean, people were just straight-up ramming into me all night. It was an odd, hostile brand of inconsideration that took me by surprise. I’ll bring a sippy cup for my beverages next time. Or one of those construction hats with the cup holders on each side.
This was the first time I had ever been in the “locker room” for a wrestling event. Everybody was very cool, but it was a chaotic scene. Not bad, just everybody had a ton of stuff going on. I was actually touched by how much it seemed like a family back there. Everybody was helping everybody else out and there wasn’t a bit of ill will in evidence. I don’t know if that’s the norm, but it did surprise me just a bit.
Once I got a hold of my mic I actually had the forethought to see if it worked. It did not. I asked MCW Head Honcho Jonathan Williams where the sound guy was and he pointed me to the back of the room. On the way back I ran into Lori Muffinface and Friendy Wendy. They had just arrived. I knew Lori was having some back issues, so I did what I could to make sure she had a seat. Then I went back to talk to the sound guy. He wasn’t back there, so I chatted with MCW/PCW Sound Man Shane Mackey (which is when he got my drink spilled on him) while I waited. At some point Mrs. Troublemaker came up and bewildered him with our drunken banter. Well, hers. Once again, my beverage was mostly for show. The only reason I even had so many that night was because they kept getting knocked out of my fucking hand.
The Asylum sound guy never showed up, but Professor Morte did. He told me there was a change of plans; that he was going to open the show and introduce me rather than the other way around. So I handed him the mic and told him it wasn’t working so I could go backstage and write down all the raffle prizes.
I had a problem with the raffle last time. Other than the runaway success of the “Box of Meat!” chant, it was kind of a clusterfuck. I didn’t have a good way to keep track of the prizes or what had been given away and the person at the prize table couldn’t hear what I was saying in the ring. There was some confusion. This time there was even more confusion because I never had time to transfer the unordered list of prizes I had over to my show notes. This is because as soon as I got backstage and pulled my pen out, I heard Professor Morte announcing me. He got the mic working quickly.
Side Note: I was so thrown off I didn’t have a chance to listen for my music. Did it sound okay? Was anybody paying attention to it? I dunno.
I made my way out to the ring and saw a ton of the DCW Hooligans out by ringside. I never had a chance to talk to some of them, but it was awesome to see ‘em out there.
Every time I set foot in a ring it’s magical. I mean, I haven’t done it a lot, but it is a tremendous feeling to be a part of something that I have been a fan of since I was a child. But last Friday night the magic took a little while to get going. It’s my own fault for not being on point, but that slightly early start (just a couple of minutes, really) threw me off my game for a while. When Morte handed me the mic, I asked the crowd if they were ready for monsters fighting and blah, blah, blah. Then I asked if they were ready for the first match. They went nuts and indicated they were and Fred Yehi’s music hit. Great.
Except that the first thing that was supposed to happen was Professor Morte laying down the details of the tournament to crown the first-ever MCW Champion, and then Johnny Danger was supposed to come out and set up his Main Event match against Dragula. I totally fucked up.
At some point in the night I ran into Duke Korey backstage and when I lamented my error he told me he thought it was good to have started with a match to get the crowd fired up (a sentiment I agree with). That made me feel a little better once I gave it some thought. And I do think it worked out better, because the opening match was fucking rad.
MCW Championship Tournament Match
Bona Fide” Fred Yehi
The Lethal Dose” Stryknyn
This match was the kickass bout you would expect it to be. These guys are two of the best and as far as I know have never had a match before. The action was hard-hitting and non-stop until Stryknyn managed to lock Yehi up in a submission. I think it was a crossface, but I was trying to pay attention to several things at once and couldn’t enjoy the match (or any of them) as much as I normally would. Just as it looked like Yehi was going to submit, MCW commentator DeWitt Dawson left his position on the stage and climbed the ring apron, distracting the Lethal Dose from the business at hand. Yehi recovered while Stryknyn went after DeWitt, and when the skull-faced grappler turned around he got hit with an explosive finisher (I don’t know what Yehi calls it, but it’s Shelton Benjamin’s old finish).
Stryknyn recovered in the ring as Yehi and Dawson made their way to the back. I have to mention here that Friday night’s MCW commentary team was made up of Dawson and the Priority Male Quasi Mandisco who, out of respect for the wrestlers, was not wearing white jeans. It was his first time doing commentary, but you’d never have known it from listening to him.
Now it was time for Professor Morte to bring out Johnny Danger. Danger came out and revealed that he was actually a descendant of Abraham Van Helsing, and as such had to face MCW’s flamboyantly gay vampire, Dragula, in mortal combat. Dragula swooped out from the backstage area and accepted the challenge. We had a Main Event!
Next up the Wolfman cousins hit the ring with the Kentucky Wolfman’s cousin/wife, Lucy. For some reason I introduced one as “Werewolf” and one as “Wolfman” which made me feel extremely stupid as soon as I said it (Johnny Danger did the same thing later, which made me feel better). Kentucky said that it was his and Lucy’s anniversary, so they were going to go backstage and celebrate (by which he meant have an incestuous fuck party) while Kentucky took care of some unfinished business. Kentucky Wolfman told the story of how he got blindsided by the Invisible Man at the last MCW show and called the see-through warrior out. Sure enough, a bandage-wrapped figure showed up on the main stage and slowly started unwrapping as the house lights went down. I held the ropes open as the now fully transparent Invisible Man entered the ring to respond to the Alabama Wolfman’s challenge.
Alabama Wolfman
Invisible Man
This match was a hoot and a holler. Alabama Wolfman put on a clinic. I can’t speak for the Invisible Man because I couldn’t see him, but at one point he slapped an armbar (move #378) on the Wolfman that looked intensely painful.
After a while it became apparent that the Alabama Wolfman was becoming… aroused. He’d grab the Invisible Man and then back away, confused. It must have been an awful time for the homophobic lycanthrope. Just as he seemed to be getting upset to the point of distraction, some mystery woman entered the ring and attempted to assault the Wolfman. Referee Little Bastard was perplexed and possibly confused by the fact that there was an extra person in the ring, yet there were still only two people. Or perhaps a greater and more mysterious magic was involved. Who knows? Either way, the mystery woman was eventually cleared out of the ring and the match resumed with the Invisible Man in control. He eventually hit Alabama with a devastating move and got the win.
YOUR WINNER – The Invisible Man
After the match I grabbed the Invisible Man for an interview. Last time there had been some kind of strange interference – likely that mysterious magic again – but this time the voice came through loud and clear. And it turns out the Invisible Man is actually an Invisible Woman! Which made the Alabama Wolfman feel much better about his Alabama hard-on.
MCW Championship Tournament Match
Do or Die” Chip Motherfucking Day
I asked Day before the match if I could refer to him as “Chip Motherfucking Day” and he said of course I could. Unfortunately I did not ask Phantom what to refer to him as and used a slightly wrong name. He’s just “Phantom” in MCW, which I kind of thought should be the case but my show notes were not clear. That one was not entirely my fault.
This match was also rad. While I will never willingly relinquish my spot as Ring Announcer for MCW, it does kind of bum me out that I can’t just sit and watch some of these matches as a fan. I have a lot of other shit to think about and pay attention to and just can’t focus on the matches like I want to. I didn’t even notice until far into this one that Papa Marko was on the far side of the ring with Mambo Monet, watching the action closely.
Phantom and Day beat the shit out of each other. This match that started with the Handshake of Mutual Respect turned into a brutal affair. These two are a couple of the most hard-hitting guys I’ve seen live and Friday night was no exception. Phantom was an impressive sight, as he had spewed a green mist into the air after entering the ring (and I really wish I’d had the presence of mind to act scared and hop out of the ring when he did it) and had the same liquid frothing and streaming from his gaping maw throughout the match. He was clearly more monster than man. Chip Day, to his credit, was unperturbed by the disturbing sight and handled his opponent just as he would any other.
I think that’s an important thing to point out about MCW. Yeah, it’s fun and a little goofy and there are monsters and zombies and stuff. But these are still action-packed, adrenaline-fueled bouts of the highest quality. Just because a guy is in facepaint or a monkey suit doesn’t mean he’s phoning it in. These guys are still here to compete and give 100%. Heck, half of them wear facepaint the rest of the time anyway. So don’t ever get confused about Monstrosity Championship Wrestling – it’s a party and there’s rock and roll and the chairman is a ghoul; but the wrestlers are there to put on a show and kick each other’s asses.
Which is what happened in this match. At least, until Papa Marko chose to use his voodoo powers to slow down Chip Day. Phantom had just been put down by a sick move from Chip. Day was heading for the top turnbuckle to set up for the coup de grace when Papa Marko raised his hand in a familiar gesture and Day fell to the apron. Once Phantom regained his wits, he saw Day on the mat and hit his finish (can’t remember the move) to get the win.
As Papa Marko and Mambo Monet made their way backstage, Marko beguiled several audience members with his voodoo. He left most swaying in his path, but one young lady was not so fortunate. The paranormal pair laid her out with the voodoo whammy and dragged her backstage. I called out for somebody to help, but nobody would. Including me, by the way. Fuck that shit.
Hollywood came out to the ring next, lamenting the death of classic pro wrestling and blasting MCW for what he perceived as our tarnishing of the great sport. Dark Mon – who also hates MCW – came out at that point and threatened Hollywood. I honestly sort of lost track of the logic here because I was trying to get raffle tickets and a cup for Divine Danger to draw them from and also think about what I was doing for the next match.
Then Zombie Rick Rude came out.
Dark Mon
Zombie Rick Rude
This was a really solid match and Zombie Rick Rude got in all of his signature stuff. Dark Mon is the most physically impressive and dominating competitor in MCW. His presence alone awes the spectators every time he appears. Zombie Rick Rude may have had the experience advantage, but eventually Dark Mon’s size and power won out and he got the pin.
Zombie Rick Rude laid prone on the mat long enough that I started to ask Hollywood to come back out and retrieve his charge. But just as I started to speak into the mic, Rude’s corpse sat bolt upright and sort of flopped its way out of the ring.
Then it was time for some raffle stuff and a few songs by Atlanta favorites, Bigfoot!
After Bigfoot played, Von Reaper hit the ring to explain who he was and what he was doing in Monstrosity Championship Wrestling. It turns out he’s… well… kind of a reaper. He determines if a soul is destined for Heaven or Hell and then helps them along their way, presumably by kicking their teeth in. I asked him where I was headed and the little bastard left it up to the lunatics in The Asylum. Luckily for me the Hooligans were right up front and led a deafening “Heaven!” chant. Then Von Reaper said that his mortal enemy was El Monstro Asesino, the man he had faced at the last MCW show. Just as he spoke his nemesis’ name, music hit and Reaper told me to get out of the ring, away from danger. I was all for that. No sooner did my feet hit the floor than Asesino came from the opposite side of the ring and blindsided Reaper. 
The two fought tooth and claw until the locker room emptied and pulled them apart.
MCW Championship Tournament Match
The Undead Luchador Supernatural
Another match that I just couldn’t watch as closely as I wanted. I don’t remember if I had to run backstage or what, but I do know Supernatural hit a splash from the top turnbuckle to get the win. Mason was not pleased.
YOUR WINNER – The Undead Luchador Supernatural
Mojo Jojo w/Quazzy Osbourne
The Angel of Death, Kagasu
Quazzy came out and cut some kind of drunken promo about heavy metal. Then he introduced his charge for the evening, Mojo Jojo. 
Mojo Jojo was amazing. Not only was he clearly Mojo Jojo, he also managed to work a good match while wearing an ape suit and a brain strapped to his head.
Kagasu came to the ring with a bevy of succubae. I mention this only because they had horns and were all writhing around like a bunch of college girls on Ecstasy. Jojo and Kagasu were having a pretty righteous match when Rock shoved me out of the way and climbed up on the apron. He ended up attacking Kagasu, so Mojo Jojo got disqualified.
Bigfoot started playing again as soon as the match was done, and it turned out this was the entrance for Cru Jones, who is a male stripper. He makes Joey Ryan look tame and reserved.
His opponent was the sinister Papa Marko, who was accompanied to the ring by Mambo Monet and the young, zombified lady that had been turned and kidnapped earlier.
Jones does some sort of crowing as part of his act, and he realized early on that the noise kept Papa Marko’s zombies at bay. Unfortunately it had no effect on the zombie king himself. The match was mostly even, but once Jones got the advantage he wouldn’t give it up. He used his crows anytime the zombie minions got too close, but eventually Mambo Monet pulled out a little Cru Jones voodoo doll:
(you could tell it was him from the enormous bulge in its little doll crotch) 
and stuck a pin in its throat, preventing him from crowing. But Jones still managed to hang in there, at least until Monet threatened the doll’s nether regions with harm, at which point the Pussy Gettin’ Machine left the ring and ran backstage, losing by count out.
YOUR WINNER – Papa Marko
After the match Bigfoot played again and I went to check on Mrs. Troublemaker. She was attempting to drink D-Reks under the table. He was visibly drunk, but in pretty good shape. This was a little shocking because I have never seen anybody out-drink my wife. Then Jonathan found me and told me we still had about eighty raffle prizes to give away. I think we maybe have too many raffle prizes. Next time I’m making an orderly list and giving a copy to whoever is working the merch table so we’re on the same page.
After Bigfoot got done I told the crowd to go and buy more tickets because the Box of Meat would be given away after the Main Event and that right now we were doing a speed round. This started the fourth or fifth “Box of Meat” chant of the night. People really love to chant, “Box of Meat”. I’m pretty sure we need to print up some MCW/(butcher shop) Box of Meat t-shirts.
And now ladies and gentlemen, your Monstrosity Championship Wrestling Main Event!
Johnny Danger Van Helsing
JDVH started the match off by yanking a cross out of his vampire-killing kit and shoving it into the Mansylvania native’s face. Dragula rolled his eyes, broke the cross in two, and tossed it back. Frustrated but not defeated, Danger reached into his sack and pulled out a bottle of Holy Water, then splashed it liberally on the Glampire. No good. Dragula snatched the bottle away and took a big swig out of it and spit it right into Danger's face. And then a lightbulb almost visibly lit up over the would-be vampire slayer’s head. He reached even further into his bag and pulled out what would surely be the key to defeating the homosexual hemovore – a nudie magazine! Danger whipped open the centerfold and thrust it towards his opponent, clearly expecting instant victory.
But Dragula was not impressed by those bitches.
Finally Danger realized he had no other course but to pursue one-on-one combat with the glittery bloodsucker. It was ON.
Dragula kept control for most of the match, with Danger getting the occasional offense. But before things could really get going, those bastardly dastards the Wolfman cousins ran out of the back and attacked the Queen of the Damned. While Danger backed into a corner of the ring, the flea-bitten duo laid into Dragula.
Once he was subdued, Danger pulled a stake out of his bag and stood over Dragula’s prone, sparkly form. He was obviously torn. Then Bigfoot started playing again, signaling the single most momentous event in MCW history thus far:
Bigfoot himself emerged from the locker room. The massive beast made his way to the ring and climbed in. The Wolfman cousins greeted the hairy behemoth enthusiastically, gesturing toward their fallen foe and clearly intending that the sasquatch should finish the job. When Bigfoot hesitated, Kentucky Wolfman gave him a shove, and let me tell you, son – the shit was ON.
Bigfoot reared back his massive head and let loose a furious roar so loud and violent it probably knocked one dude out of another dude all the way down the street at Mary’s. The enraged beast then dropped the biggest Mongolian chop you’ve ever seen (likely learned from his cousin, the Almas) on Kentucky and batted Alabama aside as though the werewolf was nothing more than a lowly Skywalker sitting atop a Tauntaun. Once both Wolfman cousins were out of the ring Bigfoot gave one last, triumphant roar and made his exit. It was fucking chaos.
A visibly shaken Johnny Danger helped Dragula to his feet and gestured for the mic. He said that he had learned a valuable lesson from Bigfoot and that maybe gay vampires weren’t so bad, after all. That maybe homophobic, xenophobic lycanthropes were the real problem. As the Wolfman cousins fumed outside the ring, Danger challenged them to a tag team match for the March MCW show. And infuriated Kentucky Wolfman accepted.
Professor Morte came out to close the show, then I raffled off the coveted Box of Meat. I even got a couple of “Box of Meat” chants out of the Professor. Good times.
Side Note: I got my Yehi shirt. One down, two to go. One has nothing to do with MCW, so I should really stop mentioning it here. Oh, and I need to remember to get an MCW shirt.
If you’d like to learn more about the wrestlers and monsters of Monstrosity Championship Wrestling, your local library isn’t going to do you a bit of good. But you can always check out Facebook! These are all of the available fan pages for MCW:

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