I thought I’d make my final toy
review of 2012 a special one. So put on some Al Green or Prince or
Barry White or maybe even some KMFDM, pour a glass of wine, and dim
the lights. Things are about to get… weird.
I’ve watched Prometheus a few
times now. I’m not any closer to understanding everything that’s
going on, but I enjoy the movie and it sure is nice to look at. I
love the design of every single thing from the Engineers to the
spaceship to the spacesuits. Because of that I am thrilled that NECA
has the license to make toys from Prometheus and that they
seem determined to crank out as many as possible before interest
wanes. Personally, I’m really hoping for a playset of the medical
chamber thingy with an Elizabeth Shaw figure.
Toys R Us is pretty much your best
source for NECA figures. The prices are surprisingly reasonable
compared to other toy lines and the stores get them in a timely
manner. I can usually pick up new stuff within a week of when NECA’s
Twitter feed indicates they’re available. But regardless of all
that TRU is going to be the only place to find today’s subject –
the Trilobite versus Engineer 2-pack. It’s an Exclusive item that
just hit a couple of weeks ago.
Also, the Trilobite has a penis that
fits perfectly into the Engineer’s open mouth.
It’s a penis. Ridley Scott and Damon
Lindelof know it’s a penis. HR Giger has always known it’s a
penis. NECA obviously knew it was a penis because they cleverly
placed the “Toys R Us Exclusive” sticker over the telltale tip
(Coming Soon from Vivid Video: The Telltale Tip – A Poe Porn
Parody) in the packaging:
Not only is it a penis, it’s a bendy
penis. And it’s detachable.
I suppose I always knew that I would
end up with action figures that could have sex someday. Whether a
friend picked up some wacky, anatomically accurate figures from the
local porn store or society just degenerated to the point where
Target would sell figures of Ron Jeremy and Ginger Lynn. I knew it
was coming. I just didn’t expect it to be in the form of a
Xenomorph raping a giant.
What’s more, a figure of their crazy
alien rape baby is coming out this Spring.
First Glance: I didn’t
notice the penis at first glance. Like I said, the TRU sticker was
covering it up. So other than that the set looked pretty awesome. The
Trilobite is huge and nasty; the Engineer looks to be suffering
pretty hardcore. Little does he know what’s coming.
Articulation: Both
figures have a ton of articulation. Not all of it is as effective as
it maybe could be, but it’s there and it’s impressive. And you
can pose them doing… what they’re supposed to be doing.
Engineer
Head – ball joint
Shoulders – ball joint
Elbows – swivel/pivot
Wrists – ball joint
Abdomen – ball joint
Hips – ball joint
Knees – swivel/pivot
Ankles – ball joint
The head has a good range of motion.
It’s not the most free-moving ball joint ever, but it does what it
needs to. The shoulders are fairly limited as to how far you can
spread the arms out, but again – they move as much as they need to.
The elbows swivel and bend as much as you might want. The wrists are
about as limited as the shoulders, but do work just fine. The hands
pop off fairly easily, but they also stay on just fine.
The abdominal joint is great. The upper
torso has a good range of poseability. The hips are a bit odd. I
thought the design was similar to Masters of the Universe Classics
where you can swivel the thigh around a ball joint, but the thigh
does not swivel. This means that if you want to bring the leg all the
way up you have to twist the thigh outward, making the knee joint
weird. Luckily, the knee joint has a great range of motion. The
ankles move about as much as you would expect without this actually
being a rocker joint.
Trilobite
Shoulders – ball joint
Arms – wire armature (bendy)
Penis – swivel at point of
attachment, wire armature (bendy)
The arms or tentacles or whatever
attach to the torso with a ball-and-socket that functions as a ball
joint. If you move them past their intended range they pop right off,
but go back on just as easily. They are a little stiff, but I find
that higher-quality bendy stuff tends to be that way. You can get
what you need out of them.
Sculpt: Even without the
penis the Trilobite is disgusting. The tentacles have some nasty
business sculpted in where they meet the body, then taper down to
terminate in pincers of varying shapes. The dorsal (?) odd tentacle
has some kind of flap thing where it joins the body for added
grossness.
The underside of the body is an utter
nightmare that reminds me more of Rob Bottin’s work on John
Carpenter’s The Thing than anything else. There’s all
kinds of vaginal and labial and plant-like stuff going on, with the penis sticking
right out of the middle with a bunch of smaller tentacles surrounding
it. The smaller tentacles aren’t poseable, they’re just there.
But they are quite flexible, so they don’t get in the way of
anything.
The Engineer is similar to the single
carded release (that I never got around to reviewing – 4 out of 5),
but features a new head, upper torso piece, upper left arm, and new
hands.
The new head is one of the most amazing
sculpts I’ve seen, which almost makes it a shame that it is
designed to be defiled. The unmarked features perfectly capture the
look of the Engineers, while the acid burned portion is gruesomely
pitted. The mouth is wide open to receive the corresponding Trilobite
penis, but is fully realized with an interior showing off teeth, a
tongue, and other mouthy details.
The upper torso is a new piece with
acid burns running from the chest up to the neck and shoulder. The
clean portions are full of detail, with all of the trademark tubes,
ridges, and knobs you expect from a Giger-inspired design.
The new hands are posed to grapple with
the Trilobite. They are posed dynamically and have plenty of detail.
The rest of the figure is a masterful
exercise in disguising and blending articulation. I won’t go so far
as to say that the joints are unnoticeable, but they are worked into
the design of the figure so well that they don’t detract from the
aesthetics at all. Plus, they are fairly functional. Compared to a
Masters of the Universe Classics figure the range of motion is
limited, but for a toy with this much sculpting the joints are pretty
amazing.
Coloring: The coloring
on the Engineer is so bizarre (but accurate to the movie). There are
no real defining points for where his suit ends and his flesh begins,
but the coloration suggests a high neckline and sleeves that
terminate mid-forearm. The “fleshier” parts are a pale color with
s light tint. The suit is a darker beige with a brown wash that
brings all of the detailing out. It’s somewhat hypnotizing to look
at. The acid burned portions are a thick, blackish wash.
The Engineer’s head is painted just
as well as it is sculpted. The mouth has a ton of specific detail.
The eyes look awesome as well. The right one is tight and accurate.
The left one is pretty horrifying, with a whited-out look in the
middle of all that acid burned flesh.
The Trilobite is fairly plain up top.
It’s a beige color with some brown highlights. It kind of looks
like a ray.
Underneath, though, there's a little
bit more color. There is a nasty pinkish hue to all of the gross
parts and the bases of the tentacles are a darkish brown. I would have expected some deep, gruesome reds, but I trust that NECA knew what they were doing and had some good references. It's still disgusting down there.
Flair: The lower torso
of the Engineer is actually a sculpted piece of soft plastic that
covers the crotch joints and extends up under the upper torso where
the two meet. This is an extremely well done piece. At a glance it is
indistinguishable from the harder plastic of the rest of the figure
and it covers the hip joints (an unavoidably ugly portion of almost
every figure) in a way that no other design could.
Accessories: I suppose
the detachable penis is an accessory. It comes separately in the
package, and it is clearly meant as an option. I say this because it
is not featured on the back of the packaging or even on NECA’s own website. Somebody knew exactly what they were doing with this
Xenomorph dong and they did their best to cover it up from the
general public. On the one hand it’s a little upsetting that such a
thing would be in Toys R Us, but on the other hand it’s fucking
hilarious.
The penis is bendy and has a larger
range of motion due to the smaller armature. It is colored to match
the underside of the Trilobite and, quite frankly, has an astonishing
amount of detail. It gives you everything you could ever want out of
a two-inch bendy penis.
Packaging: Blech. It’s
a clamshell. It does feature some nice inserts. The background is a
very cool design:
And I love that NECA actually credits
their artists:
Value: I paid $29.99 for
this set and I consider it a bargain. These are two beautifully
designed figures that could easily have gone for more.
Overall: This is an
exceptional set of particularly nasty toys. Not only are they
wonderful to look at, they actually have play value and a functional,
interactive action feature. A repulsive and utterly disturbing action
feature, but an action feature nonetheless.
5
out of 5
I honestly consider this set a
must-have for any action figure collector. The figures themselves are
nice, but never before has such a profane thing been available on the
mass market. Or any market, really. Not even the pornstar figures
that came out a few years ago featured functional anatomy. As nasty
as it may seem, these figures are a major landmark in the history of
toys and I doubt we’ll see anything like this anytime soon. The
next time I’m in Toys R Us I’m going to buy another set to keep
in the package.
-Phantom
Shouldn't the rating be "Totally Erect?"
ReplyDeleteIndeed. Indeed it should.
Deletegooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo promethus
ReplyDeleteI love it. I'm super disappointed that Dr. Shaw doesn't seem to be appearing in the sequel. Or whatever it is.
Delete