I
put out the call to the Phantomaniacs a few weeks ago for a few guest
posts. I have something I really
want to work on, but it’s just going to take more time than I
normally have to write. It’s a pet passion project – something
which may not ever even get published – but I have to do it. I’m
really excited about it and have already put it off more than I care
to.
Thankfully,
I had a few creative and talented people step up with some truly cool
entries. I told them they could write about whatever they wanted to
that wasn’t religion or politics. I didn’t even want to know what
they were writing about beforehand. I said write it, send it, and
I’ll post it.
Today’s
post comes from Beth V, an old friend and roomate of mine. She used to write semi-regularly for the site I technically got my start on - MC4TR. Well, I had my MySpace blog before that, but getting the post up there and all the responses I got from it are what made Needless Things happen.I also did my first podcast there.
I think I first started
ruining movies back in the mid-80's. I was a very indiscriminate
child. I also didn't scare easy, and was watching horror movies at a
really young age. Campy slasher flix, creature features, gore fests.
Really anything that was supposed to be scary. I can't pinpoint
exactly where this came from. I don't know for sure how it even
started. I could try and fancy myself up by saying that I liked the
social commentary or used them to laugh in the face of death, but I
know better than anyone that it simply isn't true. Honestly I think
it has a lot to do with the fact that my parents were super into
science fiction, and I grew up watching some pretty strange stuff (a
Boy and His Dog, Time Bandits, Doctor Who back when he was just a
ginger in a scarf). So maybe Mad Max led to The Empire Strikes Back
which led to Scanners or the Thing (I remember seeing both I just
don't remember which one I saw first), and then it was a pretty easy
transition to schlock horror from there. Looking at the release dates
on these movies I can kind of see how I became so hopelessly twisted
so early on. I've been told that I saw the original Star Wars and
Star Trek as well as many other movies in the theater, but since I
don't remember any of that I can't actually count them. As I got
older I easily fell further down the movie food chain. Quickly
slipping from Aliens to The Stepfather then to Night of the Demons
(it's really bad if you ever want to torture yourself).
Beth is a sharp lady who shares more interests with me than is probably healthy for the average female. Plus she has a fairly high tolerance for the worst movie of all time, THINGS.
But somewhere along the way
I went too far. It might have been that time I watched Frankenhooker.
Or maybe I loved Jack Frost too much (my brother and I used to go to
Blockbuster and switch the boxes of the horror movie with the
sentimental crap Michael Keaton movie of the same name. Our sick
joke/traumatizing of unsuspecting family types. If you or someone you
know has been injured by unintentionally watching Jack Frost please
accept my apologies, and details of the class action lawsuit are soon
to follow). No matter how bad a movie I watched there was always
something worse coming out almost instantly afterward. Like the
“filmmakers” were in competition to see who could make a movie I
wouldn't watch. As in “she's gotta have a limit. There's no way
she'll watch this trash, and then we'll finally get to go back to art
college and make real films again”. Sadly, none of them have beaten
my bad taste, not even the movie Bad Taste broke my spirit.
I know that as long as I
watch, constantly talk about, and even dress up in costumes as (yes,
I went as Sharktopus for Halloween a few years ago) horrible horror
movies some fool out there will continue to make more. As long as
SyFy has a budget to make Dinocroc 2: Electric Boogaloo, as long as
my husband makes me watch Asian torture movies, as long as our former
roommate tries to talk us into watching THINGS
yet again there is no hope of the horror film industry returning to
any sort of quality film making.
But when you think about it
like that there's really a whole sub-section of Hollywood that owes
their entire livelihood to me. The dudes who do half-assed cheap CGI,
the “artists” who designed and executed the Mansquito makeup,
Costas Mandalor, Debbie Gibson, and even Armand Assante all owe me
big time. So the next time you see an ad for Jason X, Piranhaconda,
blame me all you want. Just remember that I am helping a lot of
otherwise unemployable people find work. I am creating jobs, and
helping the economy. When you get right down to it, I'm kind of a
folk hero. Helping the people by employing nerds and watching what
most people shouldn’t have to see. I'm like Paul Bunyan or Johnny
Appleseed only with a lot more blood and guts.

Thanks to Beth V for 'splainin' some stuff. I fully intend to have her back again soon. Check back in tomorrow for a post that has no place here on Needless Things. And I totally love it for that.
-Phantom
-Phantom
Can we watch 'Things' when I'm home? I never even heard of it.
ReplyDeleteYes. We will make this happen.
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