(All pictures courtesy of Headlocks and Headshots unless otherwise noted. All video courtesy of me.)
I
got to live a dream this past Friday night.
Granted,
I sort of got to live it once before last year, but on Friday night
it was the real deal. I had the honor of standing in a real wrestling
ring in a real venue in front of real fans, holding a real microphone
to introduce real wrestlers and essentially MC a legitimate
professional wrestling event. It was one of the greatest nights I’ve
ever had.
WrestlingWithPopCulture.com’s
Jonathan Williams contacted me a little over a month ago to see if I
wanted to be the ring announcer for Monstrosity Championship
Wrestling on November 16th.
Of course I did. I was off work, so it was a no-brainer. I was beyond
excited, but I didn’t mention it to anybody other than Mrs.
Troublemaker because I didn’t completely believe it would happen.
You never know when stuff will change, you know?
But
eventually everything seemed concrete enough and I let myself get
excited and start practicing intros while I was driving to work. Not
that I don’t do that anyway, but I had a pretty good idea of who
would probably be working the show so I started to get specific.
A
couple of weeks ago Jonathan contacted me about doing some Q&As
here to promote the show. Of course I was willing to do that. I came
up a little short when a few never got back to me, but that’s
always a possibility. I still feel like I had a pretty solid week of
MCW coverage, even without a Friday post.
Angry
Matt and Rescue John met me and Mrs. Troublemaker at the house Friday
night so we could head down to beautiful Club Famous Pub (or
whatever). There had been a note for the talent to enter in the rear
(which I’m sure was unnecessary for Dragula), so I asked Angry Matt
to drive around behind the strip mall that houses Club Famous. We
went way, way back around only to hit an obstruction right before
where Club Famous’ backside would be. I told him to just drop me
off beside some stairs I had spotted in the front. I wasn’t sure
what the backstage area would be like, so I didn’t want to go
bringing my three companions in. They were cool with going up front
to get something to eat anyway.
Once
I got to the bottom of the stairs, I was faced with something
unexpected. I thought if there were large, open, public stairs they
would lead down to some sort of back shopping area. Instead, they led
down to a rape hole even more intimidating than the one we
encountered at Days of the Dead in Peachtree City, GA.
And this time I was alone. In a big, purple pimp suit.
There
were a couple of abandoned storefronts, and then what basically
looked like a utility access walkway that went back about sixty dark,
narrow feet to an open doorway. Like, it literally had a door
attached. If the area beyond that doorway hadn’t been well lit I
would have gone back upstairs. But I had received instructions to
enter in the rear and darn it, that’s what I was going to do. Plus,
I didn’t have my mask on yet and I do still make a bit of an effort
to stay sort of anonymous. And there would be no mistaking me in the
get-up I was wearing. So I ventured on through the doorway.
On
the other side there was a set of steel stairs leading up to a door
with no handle. Beside that was a sort of drainage culvert leading
all the way to the back of the building. If I hadn’t been carrying
stuff I would have gotten pictures, but this was not a place where I
particularly wanted to be fumbling around with Instagram. I made my
way down the culvert and actually had to hop across a couple of gaps
over a creek. But I made it to the back of the building and saw the
ring truck outside of an open door. I hung my jacket on a nearby
hinge and put my mask on, then headed up the stairs, hoping I wasn’t
going in the wrong place.
I
walked through the door and found a wild-haired, hook-nosed ghoul
airbrushing a half-naked man. Good. I was in the right place.
Professor
Morte was applying Dragula’s makeup in a backstage area that was
about three feet wide and maybe twelve feet deep. I waited until
Morte got to a stopping point and then made my way out into the
actual room. There was a black curtain doing its best to separate the
backstage area from the ringside area and the bar. On the other side
was a room full of wrestlers doing their pre-show thing.
I
actually really like the setup at Club Famous. If you’re entering
from the Famous Pub – as you should be – there is a large, open
room with a decent-sized stage at the far end. A bar runs along the
right side of the room. There is just enough width for an indie-size
wrestling ring in the middle with plenty of room in front of the
stage and between the ring and the entrance for a crowd. Also, the
ceiling is high enough that it isn’t a hazard for your high-flying
wrestlers.
I
chatted with a few of the guys and set up a special future post with
Johnny Danger – stay tuned! Everybody seemed pretty excited and
ready for a special show. I found Jonathan after a while and he gave
me my notes for the show. I already knew what was going on, but I was
super-nervous about screwing up somebody’s gimmick. I knew
everybody that was competing, but a lot of guys were using different
names for MCW. I didn’t want to call the Kentucky Wolfman the Iowa
Toadboy or anything.
I
had decided that I was going to have exactly one drink before the
show to calm my nerves and that was it. I had a Black Pearl (rum and
root beer – Captain Morgan’s Black Spiced and Diet A&W, to be
exact) at the house. But by the time I got to the show any effects of
that modest beverage were all but gone. And I also felt like I wanted
a hook for my announcing. I mean, other than being awesome. We had
always joked that PCW Masquerade ring announcer Grant Case was soaked
in bourbon while he was announcing. I don’t think this is true, but
Case always had such a laid-back approach that it struck us as funny.
So I wanted to actually be
that guy. I decided I would always have a glass in my hand when I hit
the ring to announce, even going so far as to point its emptiness out
to the crowd when appropriate. The trick was, it was the same drink
for most of the night. Don’t tell anybody.
Side
Note: I don’t think this is going to be my standard recap. I was
witnessing events in an entirely different way Friday night, so I
don’t think I got the matches like I normally do. I was trying to
pay attention to stuff I was going to need to know rather than just
watching. Fortunately, I do have Headlocks & Headshots
photographic record to supplement things. Thanks to Mr. Harold Jay
Taylor for providing images far superior to what you’re used to
seeing here. For an amazing gallery of everything that happened, visit Headlocks and Headshot's Facebook Page.
Professor
Morte gave an introduction to the event, then kicked it over to me to
announce the first match.
It
was exhilarating. Standing in the middle of that ring, speaking into
a mic to a room full of people. It was just awesome. As much as I
loved doing the panels at TimeGate and Dragon*Con, this was a whole
other kind of experience. I was THE focus of attention. And I kicked
ass. Except, of course, for the fact that I totally blanked on the
names of the very first guys coming out to the ring, Ethan Case and
Eli Evans – Worst Case Scenario. I mean, I remembered the Worst
Case Scenario part, thank goodness, but their names just fell right
out of my head. They weren’t on Jonathan’s notes and I haven’t
seen them compete enough to be as familiar with the team. So I just
introduced them as “Worst Case Scenario” and left it at that. To
balance things out I only introduced The Washington Bullets by their
team name even though I have been familiar with Jon and Trey probably
longer than any of the other guys. Also, I reverted to my old ways
and assigned Duke Korey an MCW name – Milky White. I can’t even
explain that one.
Worst
Case Scenario
Vs.
The
Washington Bullets
This
match barely had a chance to get going before Papa Marko – zombie
king extraordinaire – emerged from the backstage area and ordered
his undead minions to attack the Bullets and WCS. Thanks goodness he
overlooked me and MCW Head Referee Milky White, who had no choice but
to rule the match a no-contest as a result of zombification.
YOUR
WINNER – Papa Marko and his Zombie Horde
Me
and ol’ Milky looked on in horror as both tag teams were bitten by
Papa Marko’s zombies and then dragged to the backstage area and who
knows what foul ends. Fred Yehi, Curry Kid, Mason, The Phantom, and
Supernatural ran out of the back to try and stop the foul villains,
but they were too late.
El
Monstro Asesino
Vs.
Von
Reaper
I
don’t think the story in my head matched up with what the wrestlers
or the bookers had in mind, but I wasn’t privy to those
conversations.
While
Asesino is a heel in PCW, I saw him as a valiant monster slayer in
MCW. And Von Reaper was basically Connor from Angel,
except evil. Well, intentionally evil. He was a dude that was raised
in a hell dimensions and has escaped to Earth to wreak havoc on
pretty much everything. And Asesino must stop him. But it seemed like
Asesino was the heel and Reaper was the face. Oh, well.
This
was probably the best straight-up wrestling match of the night. There
was no interference or shenanigans. These two just went at it and did
a great job of it. I’m no workrate wank – I like my
entertainment, too – but it was nice to have at least one serious
match on the card.
Asesino managed to lock in a brutal hold on Reaper, making the demonic grappler tap out almost instantly.
YOUR
WINNER – El Monstro Asesino
After
the match it was time to give away some prizes. This was a little bit
of a mess. We got it ironed out by the end of the night, but there
were some communication issues at first.
Team
Good Guys came back out to the ring to declare war on Papa Marko and
his zombies.
Papa Marko accepted, so the Main Event was set as a
Survival Series elimination match. If Team Good Guys won Papa Marko
would release the Bullets and WCS from his control. But if Papa
Marko’s team won, the whole world would be zombified. Or something.
And
then The Casket Creatures rocked it out. The sound was pretty good in
the place and The Casket Creatures were definitely solid. Plus, I
finally got to introduce them. I’ve been wanting to do it for a
while, but my work schedule just hasn’t lined up with their gig
dates. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I hope it was
good.
After
the Casket Creatures’ set, Marky Dreamer made his way to the ring.
I didn’t know what he wanted, but I attempted to do an interview.
Rather than cooperate, he just snatched the mic from me and started
babbling about how he doesn’t like monsters and the whole thing was
an insult to wrestling and blah, blah, blah. Marky Dreamer is a
douchebag.
Thankfully,
Zombie Bruiser Brody shambled to the ring and beat the shit out of
him. Unfortunately, Zombie Bruiser Brody’s victory was short-lived.
A very large, very black dude carrying a Bible hit the ring and said
he was going to rid Club Famous of all zombie and monster filth.
Zombie
Bruiser Brody
Vs.
Dark
Mon
Zombie Bruiser Brody got in
about as much offense as you would expect from a dead guy and Dark
Mon pretty much just squashed the legendary corpse. But I think in
the context of MCW’s long-term storytelling this one made sense and both guys definitely put on an entertaining match.
YOUR
WINNER – Dark Mon
Dark
Mon handed me his Bible before the match started. I stood there
awkwardly holding it through the match. It occurs to me now I could
have stood there reading it or something.
Pandora
Vs.
Mambo
Monet
I
was pretty excited about seeing this one, but it
didn’t quite take off. It felt like one of those slow-motion type matches. Just
not firing on all cylinders. There was a crucifix that didn’t
happen and one of the ugliest clothesline attempts I’ve ever seen. Don't get me wrong - the match was as brutal as you'd expect from these tough broads, I just know it could have been awesome.
Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t there and this was one of those
times. I have no doubt these two will produce some awesome matches
given the chance, but this wasn’t the night.
YOUR
WINNER – Mambo Monet
The
after-match action was great, though. Mambo Monet went straight for
Pandora’s throat while Papa Marko and his undead legions emerged from the back. Monet left
a slaughtered Pandora on her back in the middle of the ring. Papa
Marko climbed the steps, approached the corpse, and started to work
his magic. Right before the eyes of the horrified MCW fans, Pandora’s
corpse started to writhe and rise. She finally returned to her feet
and followed Papa Marko and Mambo Monet to the back, clearly under
their evil influence.
Speaking
of evil, the next competitor was on his way to the ring accompanied
by his cousin. Yes, none other than the xenophobic, homophobic,
ablutophobic lycanthropic cousins – the Kentucky Wolfman and the
Alabama Wolfman. They had with them a jar of Full Moon Shine (so
named by commentator DeWitt Dawson) and a whole bag full of ill will.
I once again attempted an interview, only to have the Alabama Wolfman
yank the mic away from me and start howling on about how much he and
his cousin hate the gays. Clearly a couple of self-loathers.
My
drink ran out around this time. The Wolfman Cousins’ jar looked
pretty full, so I held my glass out and gave Alabama a little nod to
see if maybe he’d share. He walked over and it looked like I might
get lucky, but just as he started to unscrew the lid Kentucky stomped
over and put a stop to it. Then he spit tobacco on my five hundred
dollar shoes. My immediate reaction was to reach down and wipe it
off, which left me with spit on my hand, so I casually wiped it off
on Little Bastard’s sleeve.
Side
Note: The fact that I got to do a little bit of business with Rick
Michaels and Matt Sells was not only unexpected but absolutely
amazing. I’m still pretty pumped about it.
Just
as the Cousins’ ranting hit a fever pitch, some familiar music hit
and I announced it was time for Dragula to hit the ring. I said he
was from “Mansylvania”, something I am particularly proud of.
Also, I said “Ladies and gentlemen” way too many times over the
course of the night. I’m going to try and avoid that next time.
The
Kentucky Wolfman w/ The Alabama Wolfman
Vs.
Dragula
Dragula
got to the ring and was up to his usual antics – strutting about,
shaking his sweet moneymaker, and molesting Little Bastard. The crowd
loved it, but the Wolfman Cousins were revolted. Well, they acted
revolted anyway.
Then
the bell rang and the match got underway. Dragula got in some offense
to start, but Kentucky Wolfman took control and laid in a beatdown.
Any time it looked like Dragula might gain the advantage, that mangy
little whelp the Alabama Wolfman would pull a dirty trick.
But
then Kentucky hit the mason jar one too many times. Dragula was
finally able to get in some offense. Just as Alabama was about to
interfere, he suddenly started flailing about uncontrollably. I
thought maybe he was changing back into his human form, but
commentator Chuck Porterfield cannily pointed out the real reason for
Alabama’s sudden incapacitation – he was being attacked by the
Invisible Man!
Without
the direction of his cousin, Kentucky quickly drank himself into
oblivion and Dragula was able to get the pinfall!
YOUR
WINNER – Dragula
Once
the ring cleared I called the Invisible Man in for an interview. He
was the most polite of the night, as he didn’t snatch the mic away
from me. I put my arm around his shoulders and asked about his
motivations for attacking the Alabama Wolfman. Unfortunately, that
night the Invisible Man was also the Inaudible Man. He must’ve
stuffed a bunch of marshmallows in his mouth before hitting the ring
because nobody could understand a fucking word he said. Then I
realized he was naked.
I
think the gist of the whole things was that the Alabama Wolfman will
be facing the Invisible Man sometime in the near future.
Time for more Casket Creatures!
I want to mention our commentators for the night - Chuck Porterfield and DeWitt Dawson. I don't think you could have gotten a better pair for the event.
Paper
hit the ring and was also quite polite. I asked him what he wanted
and he held up a shitty cardboard title and said he was champ, so I
announced him as Paper Champion of the World.
Naturally Rock came out
next.
Followed by Scissors.
Paper
Vs.
Rock
Vs.
Scissors
Scissors
started the action by snatching the Paper Championship and cutting it
to shreds. Paper was mortified and Rock took advantage to attack them
both.
The
match was a very solid three-way affair. As you might guess, Scissors
got very little offense on Rock and Rock just couldn’t quite seem
to take control of Paper. As silly as the premise was, the match was
good.
YOUR
WINNER – Scissors
Now
it was time to give away the last of the raffle prizes, including the
legendary Box Of Meat. I think my proudest moment of the night aside
from the business with Michaels and Sells was the fact that I started
a “Box Of Meat” chant, closely followed by a bunch of people
telling me they really liked the way I announced the stipulation for
the Main Event.
I
said that if Team Good Guys won Papa Marko would release their
friends. Then I told the crowd that if Papa Marko won they were all
fucked. That got a lot of laughs.
Papa
Marko, Zombie Washington Bullets, & Zombie Worst Case Scenario
Vs.
“Bona
Fide” Fred Yehi, The Phantom, “The Demigod” Mason, Curry Kid, &
“The Undead Luchador” Supernatural
The
Main Event was the perfect spectacle to top off Monstrosity
Championship Wrestling’s first night at Club Famous. Team Good Guys
was on fire, but the invincibility of their zombie foes was an almost
insurmountable obstacle. Every time TGG would hit some amazing
offense, Papa Marko’s zombies would simply shrug it off and shamble
to the corner to tag in a fresh corpse… er, competitor.
I
couldn’t pay as much attention to this match as I would have liked.
There were a few things going on outside of the ring – closing
details, nobody picked up the Box Of Meat from the last drawing, a
couple of other things. I was doing my best to keep up with
eliminations and mostly got it, but my only big error of the night
came when the third member of Team Good Guys got eliminated. I
thought there were still three of them left and four members of Papa
Marko’s team, and I announced it as such.
Then
this filthy little douche nugget with a crusty baseball cap and a
three-dollar haircut – who I’m sure I will hear from because I
almost always hear about it when I call somebody out in one of these
– turned around from taking pictures and told me I couldn’t count
and that it was five-on-two. He was only half right and he was all
dickhead. I don’t know why he felt the need to be so rude about
correcting me, but fuck that guy. I mean, I was half-wrong too, but
even the people actually working in the match and for MCW weren’t
all that worried about it. Not sure why he was so vocal.
Also
not sure why I devoted two paragraphs to it when this awesome match
was happening. This match really surpassed my expectations. I thought we would be getting a very entertainment-heavy bout, but all ten men put it out there. It felt like the epic clash it was intended to be. In the end it came down to Mason and The Phantom
versus Papa Marko, who had spent the entire match on the apron. This
whole bit was actually really well done, with Papa Marko believably
dominating the remnants of Team Good Guys. But eventually The Phantom
was able to gain the upper hand and defeat Papa Marko.
YOUR
WINNER – The Phantom for Team Good Guys
Papa
Marko returned to the backstage area and shortly after that Jon and
Trey Williams, Ethan Case, and Eli Evans came out from behind the
curtain along with the rest of Team Good Guys and Pandora. Everybody
celebrated.
Then
we finally gave away the coveted Box Of Meat.
This
was one of the best nights ever. I got to work with a bunch of people
that I respect a whole lot, I got to entertain a crowd, I had some
friends come out to support me, and most importantly Mrs.
Troublemaker was there to enjoy it all with me. Well, actually the
most important thing was that she got video of my amazing performance
this time.
The
next day Jonathan called me and told me he thought I did a great job
and wanted me back for the next show. I told him I’d be there any
time I could, job allowing. He made a point of saying that I was
Monstrosity Championship Wrestling’s ring announcer. Like, the
official ring announcer.
That’s
fucking rad.
Side
Note: I am now owed a total of three t-shirts – a PCW Sacred Ground
3 shirt, a Wrestling With Pop Culture shirt, and a Fred Yehi shirt. I
am suspecting I need to be more stern about t-shirts.
-Phantom
Great job. You were one of the hi-lights of the show. Shades of Joel Gertner.
ReplyDeleteWOW. I don't know about all that, but thanks!
ReplyDeleteI thought you were really funny. You know you've reached Stud Muffin status when you incite a riot or are receiving death threats.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I have the heel in me. I crave the adoration of the people.
Delete