I
had two reasons to do another dreaded Top Whatever list: First, I
made a comment on Facebook a few weeks ago in response to a TopThirteen Zombie Movies list on io9.com.
You should go check that out, then come back here.
My
comment was, “Anybody who puts 28
Days Later
on a Top Zombie Movies list probably doesn’t have any business
making Top Zombie Movie lists.” I’m fairly certain I don’t need
to explain to my loyal Phantomaniacs that the virus victims in 28
Days/28
Weeks Later
are not zombies. At all.
So
I felt like if I was going to be all high-and-mighty I should supply
my own list that will of course be unquestionably great and perfect.
Right.
But first I had to decide what I felt like defined a zombie. I’m
going with any depiction of a corpse that has been reanimated. The
key thing for zombies, I think, is that they were once dead. Which
eliminates the 28
Days
movies but includes the Evil
Dead
ones since those featured living beings that were possessed as well
as corpses. In those movies not all Deadites are zombies, but all
zombies are Deadites. Or something. But it does mean those are not
pure zombie movies, so they may fall a bit further down the list.
We’ll see.
Then
I decided I needed to stick to American zombie movies because there
are so many foreign ones that would edge out a few I really want to
mention.
The
second reason for this list is that SyFy is premiering a new Original
Movie tomorrow night called Rise
of the Zombies
and surrounding it with other zombie movies. We’re not getting as
many zombie movies this weekend as we got vampire movies last
weekend, but it still works out for my purposes.
13)
Dance of the Dead
This
is such a perfect movie. It really should be higher up on the list.
It’s basically what would happen if zombies attacked a John Hughes
movie. And I don’t mean a Hughes-like movie. The tone of this flick
is so utterly perfect and 80’s that it almost feels like sacrilege
when the undead start attacking. The only reason Dance
of the Dead
isn’t higher is it just has such a low profile. I have a terrible
tendency to not think about it unless I’m really wracking my brain,
like I am today.
12)
Resident Evil: Extinction
It’s
funny how everyone likes to shit on these movies but there are now
five of them. And they make TONS of money every time. Somebody out
there sure does like them. I know I do. Well, except for the second
one. I didn’t want to put more than one movie from a franchise on
this list (even though I ended up doing that later, but with good
reason), so I picked my favorite of the Resident
Evil
series. This is the one in the desert that was directed by Russell
Mulcahy. I just dig it the most. It’s chock full of undead people
and creatures and has a setting that makes it distinctive from other
movies in the genre.
11)
Idle Hands
This
was the first DVD I ever bought. I had never seen the movie at all. I
just liked the cover and the price was right. Other than that, I
couldn’t tell you what made me pick this over other movies that I
had actually heard of. But man, this is a great movie. It’s funny
and gruesome and has such a great feel to it. There are only two
zombies in it – Seth Green and Elden Henson – but the way they
become zombies and what they do afterwards is just so much fun to
see. The story is about this stoner guy whose hand becomes possessed
Evil
Dead-style
and goes on a killing spree. It’s very stylish and competently
done, with a fun story and very clever use of horror memes. I do not
understand for the life of me how director Rodman Flenders hasn’t
done more.
10)
Hide and Creep
This,
to me, is the best Southern zombie flick. It isn’t derisive of the
South like every movie and television show that comes from Hollywood.
The people in it are regular people who happen to have Southern
accents rather than the drooling, inbred morons typically depicted in
the media. The budget is modest, but the story is great and the crew
really did a lot with what they had to work with.
9)
Night of the Comet
As
much as I look at Night
of the Comet
as basically a comedy now, it scared the shit out of me when I was a
kid. It presents an interesting take on the zombie apocalypse and is
an odd mix of zany and desolate. The characters are all quite
likeable and the movie itself just feels very real. They did a great
job of setting up scenes and creating tension based around the
emptiness of the mostly-dead world.
8)
Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Directed
by Zack Snyder (now working on the new Superman movie) and written by
James Gunn (working on Guardians
of the Galaxy),
this is one of the best remakes I have seen. It captures the essence
of the original while feeling like a completely new movie. The cast
is fantastic, with Sarah Polley being particularly awesome as the
female lead. The zombies… man… so many zombies. This movie made
me a fan of both Snyder and Gunn. Snyder is working on losing me, but
Gunn is going strong by just cranking out radness. He directed Tromeo
& Juliet
(easily Troma’s best movie), Slither
(which just barely missed being on this list by being more of a
monster movie), and Super
(which was far superior to Kick
Ass).
The only thing I am torn about with Gunn is what he did to
Scooby-Doo. Both live-action theatrical releases are excellent movies
fit for kids or adults. But they eliminate the skeptical aspect of
the original cartoon by introducing the supernatural. Granted, later
cartoons did that as well, but it still bothers me every time I watch
the movies. Not a lot, because they’re great, but a little.
7)
Re-Animator
I
could have easily put all three movies from the Re-Animator franchise
on this list. But unlike the other franchise that I cheated on, these
are all directly, undeniably related and even feature many of the
same cast members throughout; most notably the amazing and delightful
Jeffrey Combs as Dr. Herbert West. Re-Animator
is a crazy fucking movie. Rooted in the world of H.P. Lovecraft, the
story follows the adventures of Dr. West as he tries to perfect a
serum to resurrect the dead.
6)
Zombieland
Zombieland
was a sort of unexpected treat. I had been following it a little bit,
but I honestly wasn’t expecting too much. Quite frankly, the name
seemed stupid. But this ended up being an awesome movie that set all
kinds of new standards for zombie flicks. “Double Tap” is a thing
now.
5)
Planet Terror
After
the awesomeness that was From
Dusk ‘Till Dawn
I was breathlessly awaiting Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino’s
next venture into horror. I never imagined it would be the
masterpiece that is Grindhouse.
If this were a better world than it is we would already be on the
third pair of movies in a massively successful franchise (though I
suppose you could watch Hobo
with A Shotgun
and Machete
back-to-back and pretend we got one), but sadly the public at large
did not recognize the awesomeness of the double feature. Since Death
Proof
and Planet
Terror
are widely regarded as separate movies, I put the latter on my list.
It’s a great zombie movie and really more of a throwback to the
80’s than the 70’s. It feels like it could be right at home as
part of the Return
of the Living Dead
franchise.
4)
Night of the Living Dead (1968)
I
know some of you are probably frothing at the mouth that this one is
number 4. It’s still effective and terrifying over forty years
later, but it’s also a bit draggy for me. Sometimes I’m okay with
slower pacing, sometimes I’m not. I have to wait for the times I am
to watch this ne and that’s why it’s #4. The opening scene in the
cemetery is still one of the greatest ever filmed.
3)
Army of Darkness
Yes,
they are Deadites. But the “Army” portion of that title are
reanimated corpses, which fits my definition. I couldn’t even begin
to tell you how many times I have bought and watched this movie.
Everything about it is great and it only narrowly misses being my
favorite movie of all time (edged out by Big
Trouble In Little China).
2)
Return of the Living Dead
Dan
O’Bannon created the running zombie. Don’t ever let anybody tell
you different. The first time I saw Return
I didn’t like it because it didn’t seem fair that the zombies
were running. And that first time they did freaked me the fuck out. I
was hardly a horror movie aficionado at that point, but I knew
zombies shambled. Over time I grew to love this movie, though. And
not just because of the hotness that is buck-naked Linnea Quigley.
The zombies are grotesque, even by today’s standards – how many
times has the Tar Man been ripped off? – and the punk rock
aesthetics give everything a more surreal feel.
Return
of the Living Dead
is writer John Russo’s continuation of Night
of the Living Dead,
but is not officially recognized as a sequel. Which brings me to…
1)
Dawn of the Dead (1978)
This
is and perhaps always will be the ultimate zombie movie. The
characterizations, the desolation, the mindlessness of the undead. I
can’t imagine a zombie flick equaling this one for impact. There’s
just no comparing anything else to this masterpiece. This took what
Romero accomplished with Night
of the Living Dead
and blew it up to a massive scale. All of humanity was imperiled.
More than that – humanity was doomed. As much as you follow the
characters in the movie and want them to survive, a small part of you
knows the whole time that it’s all futile. Dawn
of the Dead
was the movie that got me watching more 70’s stuff. Before watching
this one I just couldn’t deal with sideburns and bell bottoms. But
the damn thing is so good I was able to look past the painfully dated
look and enjoy the movie.
And
remember – this list doesn’t include any foreign movies like
Shaun of
the Dead, The Beyond,
Dead
Alive,
any of the Blind
Dead
series or Undead.
Or Tokyo
Zombie.
I love that movie.
I
would like to mention Cemetery
Man–
I love this movie. I own this movie. It is absolutely brilliant, but
it is also boring as fuck. I could pop any of the above movies in at
pretty much any time and watch them, but the mood has to be
absolutely perfect for me to sit through this one.
There
are tons of other great zombie flicks I could go on and on about, but
you’re really here for some SyFy, aren’t you?
Phantom
Troublemaker vs. 31 Days of Halloween
If
you’re new here or haven’t been keeping up, this is where I give
my thoughts on SyFy’s “31 days of Halloween” programming.
Obviously I haven’t seen everything I’ll be talking about, but
that’s kind of what the internet is all about – talking out of
your ass.
Each
day I will cover the schedule from the time my post goes live
(usually 11 AM) through the following 24 hours. On Fridays I will
cover the whole weekend, which is a huge pain in the ass but also
kind of fun.
Enjoy!
11:30
AM – 1:30 PM – A Nightmare On elm Street 5: The Dream Child
– Awesome. I’m stoked we’re getting an for-real movie, even if
I would never watch it on regular TV. I do have my Nightmare
box set, after all. And enjoy this one now, because the rest of the
day is fucking replays.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 3
1:30
PM – 3:30 PM – SAW IV
– I said the other day that I had a box set of SAW
movies and at the time I was pretty sure it was at least the first
four, but when I looked the other night it was just I – III. I also
noticed my copies of The
Fly/The Fly 2
and a couple of other things were missing. I don’t know if we lost
them in the flood or if it’s from years of roommate attrition.
Either way it sucks. Then again, I guess I can always justify buying
the Blu Rays now.
Halloween
score – 3
Quality
score – 3
3:30
PM – 5:30 PM – SAW V
– As much as I didn’t like a couple of the SAW
movies, I suppose I would watch all of them again. Just not on SyFy.
Halloween
score – 3
Quality
score – 2
5:30
PM – 8:00 PM – The Mist
– One of my favorite movies ever. My sister-in-law disappointed me
terribly the other day when she told me she hated it. But she made my
rad Doctor Who scarves, so I’m going to give her a pass.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 5
8:00
PM – 10:00 PM – WWE SmackDown
– I might watch this one if only because they will probably do a
Halloween-themed episode. The only thing that sucks is that the
highlight of these used to be the Diva costume contests, but I’m
not sure who many of those yaks are now. I bet Daniel Bryan loses a
“Dress Up As A Goat” match.
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 2
10:00
PM – 11:00 PM – Haven
– I don’t actually hate this show – I haven’t ever watched it
– but I am sick of having to write about it.
Halloween
score – 3
Quality
score – 3 (It’s probably an okay show)
11:00
PM – 12:00 AM – Alphas
– This, on the other hand, I have no further words for.
Halloween
score – 0
Quality
score – 2
SATURDAY
12:00
AM – 1:00 AM – Haven
– A repeat of the 10 PM episode.
Halloween
score – 3
Quality
score – 3
1:00
AM – 3:00 AM – Pumpkinhead: Ashes To Ashes
– This franchise is surprising not only for producing a number of
sequels from a movie that initially only did okay, but also for those
sequels being pretty good.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 3
3:00
AM – 5:00 AM – Pumpkinhead: Blood Feud
– This is the fourth and probably best movie. It gets pretty wacky,
with Lance Henrickson returning as a ghost.
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 3
5:00
AM – 6:00 AM – Scare Tactics
– Man – I think I might be running out of Tracy Morgan clips. I
don’t know what else I could do.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 2
6:00
AM – 9:00 AM – Paid Programming
– I wonder if anybody records infomercials. In a universe of
infinite possibilities, somebody must.
Halloween
score – 1
Quality
score – 5
9:00
AM – 10:30 AM – Scare Tactics
– Ooh – at this rate I really am going to run out of Tracy clips.
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 3
10:30
AM – 12:30 PM – Planet Terror
– One from the above list! Although I recommend you watch an uncut
version. I can’t imagine this movie would be much good without the
scene where Quentin Tarantino’s penis falls off.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 3
12:30
PM – 2:30 PM – From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money
– I watched some of this one and I was right the other day – I
don’t like it. I remember now what pissed me off about it was Bruce
Campbell dying five minutes in. What the fuck is the point of that?
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 4
2:30
PM – 4:30 PM – From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman’s Daughter
– And I do still like this one. Jango Fett is in it!
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 2
4:30
PM – 7:00 PM – Dawn of the Dead
– I’m pretty sure this will be the remake, but wither way ti’s
also on my list.
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 3
7:00
PM – 9:00 PM – Zombie Apocalypse
– This movie looks awesome and stars Sam Neill and Willem Dafoe and
I don’t think I’ve ever even heard of it. Sometimes these things
happen, but I don’t know how. I hope it doesn’t suck.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 4
9:00
PM – 11:00 PM – Rise of the Zombies
– The podcast I was supposed to be on to discuss American
Horror House
a couple of weeks ago fell through. I might try again with this one,
depending on how busy next week looks. LeVar Burton is in this, which
seems to be the only thing recommending it. I would also like to
mention how sick I am of the words “Rise of” being in movie
titles. I was sick of it four years ago and it’s still going on.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 5
11:00
PM – 1:00 AM – Dawn of the Dead
– A replay of a remake.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 4
SUNDAY
1:00
AM – 3:00 AM – Rise of the Zombies
– But... they already rose once! Shouldn't this be The
Continued Ascent of the Zombies?
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 5
3:00
AM – 5:00 AM – The Pumpkin Karver
– Poor
spelling. I watched the movie last year and it wasn't bad. Not sure
why they're deviating from the zombie theme, though. I mean, I get
that there just aren't that many zombie movies and all...
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 3
5:00
AM – 6:00 AM – Scare Tactics
– I am officially tapped out for Tracy Morgan stuff.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 2
6:00
AM – 9:00 AM – Paid Programming
– I'm going to take advantage of SyFy's ad time to recommend some
Halloweeny bands to you: Calabrese, Alucard, The Casket Creatures, Kill Baby, Kill, and The Mystery Men? can all spook up your month. The latter
two are surf rock, but plenty of their tunes are creepy and kooky
enough for the Season of the Witch.
Halloween
score – 1
Quality
score – 5
9:00
AM – 11:00 AM – From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money
–This is the thirtieth replay of this movie.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 2
11:00
AM – 1:00 PM – From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter
–This is also the thirtieth replay of this movie. Dammit.
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 3
1:00
PM – 3:00 PM – Thir13en Ghosts
–Shannon Elizabeth. Hot:
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 3
3:00
PM – 5:00 PM – A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge
– I still want to do a double feature of this and Top
Gun.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 3
5:00
PM – 7:00 PM – A Nightmare On Elm Street 5: The Dream Child
– Watched
this the other night. I still like it a lot. I still like them all a
lot.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 4
7:00
PM – 9:00 PM – Halloween H20
– This,
on the other hand, I hate. Saw it in the theater and almost walked
out. I've tried it a few times since and it doesn't get any better.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 1
9:00
PM – 11:00 PM – Pulse
– I can't remember this for the life of me, but Kristen Bell's in
it and she's hot. So watch it, I guess.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 3
11:00
PM – 1:00 AM – Feardotcom
– I do remember this one and it is crap. Strangeland
is way better.
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 2
MONDAY
1:00
AM – 3:00 AM – Stigmata
– Not a bad movie, but not very Halloweeny.
Halloween
score – 2
Quality
score – 3
3:00
AM – 5:00 AM – Children of the Corn
– This:
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 5
5:00
AM – 6:00 AM – Twilight Zone
– It's a great show. ESO is doing a podcast about it this week.
Halloween
score – 3
Quality
score – 3
6:00
AM – 8:00 AM – Paid Programming
– Only two hours today. I will be asleep.
Halloween
score – 1
Quality
score – 5
8:00
AM – 9:30 AM – Scare Tactics
– Tracy be crazy as shit.
Halloween
score – 3
Quality
score – 3
9:30
AM – 11:30 AM – The Amityville Horror (2005)
– I like the remake. What's not to like?
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 4
Come
on back Monday for who knows what.
-Phantom
play Dead Zed ,zombie game
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