I
realized the other day that I haven’t done any Top Tens (or
whatever) yet. I developed this aversion to Top Ten lists a couple of
years ago and have been consciously avoiding them for a while now. It
just seems like a cheap post and I don’t ever want to rely on them
too much.
But
from time to time I think they’re perfectly okay, particularly when
presented as part of a larger whole. So today I’m going to return
to the world of Top (whatevers) and tell you about what I think are
the very best vampire movies.
Curious
about what my vampires are? Read on…
13)
Tales From the Crypt: Bordello of Blood
There
was this weird time in the early 90’s when we got theatrical Tales
From the Crypt
stories. The first was Demon
Knight
and it was really good and made lots of money. The second was
Bordello
of Blood.
I don’t think it made a whole lot of money, but it was fun and
Angie Everhart is a mega fucking redhead babe. Dennis Miller is
surprisingly likeable as the protagonist, snarking his way through a
nightmarish whorehouse full of bloodsuckers. This one is just good
fun.
12)
Fright Night (1985)
Ah,
William Ragsdale. If only Herman’s
Head
was still on today. But that’s neither here nor there. Long before
the extremely clever sitcom that introduced us to the face behind 97
percent of the voices on The
Simpsons
(Hank Azaria) debuted, we got Fright
Night.
This is the first movie that I ever remember being utterly confused
by. There were parts that were totally funny and parts that scared
the shit out of me. I didn’t know what to do. I remember sneaking
downstairs to watch it on HBO (this was prior to sneaking downstairs
and accidentally catching the pilgrim porno on the Playboy Channel
that made me stop sneaking downstairs). It was also the first time I
had seen Roddy McDowall without ape makeup on.
11)
Vampire In Brooklyn
This
was another one that confused me, even though I had already
experienced the brain fuck that is Fright
Night.
I thought I would be getting a straight-up comedy, like Once
Bitten
or Love
At First Bite.
Instead, this is another horror comedy hybrid with a strong emphasis
on the horror. What other movie could ever depict the mind-shattering
horror that is Zombie Dwayne Wayne? And I have to give extra props to
Eddie Murphy here for being genuinely horrific when he needed to be. And to Wes Craven for balancing things so well.
10)
Fright Night (2011)
Sacrilege!
I know! But I just honestly enjoy the remake more. Anton Yelchin was
brilliant in William Ragsdale’s role, Colin Farrell was very
utterly sinister and malignant as the vampire, and David Tennant
portrayed the same basic character as McDowall in such a different
way it was amazing. We had an absolute blast watching this movie and
it is one of the few I’ve bought in the past year that I’ve
already watched more than once. Excellent effects combined with a
clever script (by Buffy
alum Marti Noxon) and a great cast just made this one a complete win
for me.
9)
Near Dark
I
didn’t actually see this until the DVD came out a few years ago. I
bought it on the recommendation of a friend and it blew my mind.
There is a certain sick humor to it, but Near
Dark is
a gritty, twisted take on vampires and on rural life. It’s kind of
a weird coming of age/country boy makes good story except rather than
making good the country boy has to deal with a bunch of white trash
vampires. Bill Paxton is – of course – excellent in this one and
Lance Henrikson is at his creepiest; which is pretty fucking creepy.
8)
Lair of the White Worm
If
you don’t know, Ken Russell makes really fucked up movies. Like,
the kind of movies that stain your brain. This one is no different,
despite the fact that it stars lovable stutterer Hugh Grant. This was
prior to his breakout success as a ladies’ man in rom-coms and way
prior to his failure as a covert hooker-user. This won’t spoil
anything, as the entire thing is bugfuck crazy and you should watch
it anyway, but the climax of the movie comes when a crazy
snake/vampire lady puts on a strap-on that looks like… I don’t
know what it looks like… and tries to fuck/sacrifice a young girl
to a giant snake god while Hugh Grant plays the bagpipes. I should
really do a full review of this one.
7)
Underworld
Probably
the height of mindless vampire action flicks, Underworld
incorporates werewolves (irritatingly called “Lycans”) into
things, but still remains mostly a vampire flick. I like the style
and story of this first one and Kate Beckinsdale running around in
skintight latex doesn’t hurt, either.
6)
Ultraviolet
Speaking
of hot vampire girls in skintight clothes, Ultraviolet
is awesome. I put off seeing it for a long time, but once I watched
it I was mesmerized. I don’t know what it is about Milla Jovovich
(it’s not just
that she’s hot), but she is just so very watchable. And this movie
provides the perfect surroundings for her to run around in. The story
is about a society of vampires and Milla Jovovich’s character
rebelling against the ruling government/corporate entity thing. The
story is okay, but the visuals of the movie have to be seen to be
believed. The first time you see Ultraviolet
you will just sit on the edge of your chair with your mouth open.
5)
Blade
Most
people seem to credit Bryan Singer’s X-Men
with birthing the past decade-plus of mainstream comic book movies.
But Blade
predated that movie by two years and surprised everybody by being a
massive success. I don’t know that Singer’s mutant masterpiece
would have happened in the way that it did without Goyer’s Blade.
But besides that, Blade
is a unique and fascinating vampire flick that brought the
bloodsuckers into the new century. It’s slick, stylish, and cool.
And the vampires are utterly evil. Wesley Snipes might be my favorite
vampire ever.
4)
The Horror of Dracula
Christopher
Lee is my Dracula. This wasn’t actually the first Hammer Dracula
movie I saw – that was Dracula
Has Risen From the Grave
– but it is the best. Don’t get me wrong; they’re all very
good. But this is the one you would show to somebody you were
introducing to the world of Hammer Horror. It’s basically just the
classic tale we all know, only sexier and with more blood. And fangs.
Lee’s Dracula has fangs.
3)
Shadow of the Vampire
This
is the movie that made me decide Willem DaFoe was great. His
performance as Max Schreck is mesmerizing. And the idea for the movie
is just brilliant. If you don’t know, F.W. Murnau’s Nosferatu
is a silent film from 1922. It was the first time Bram Stoker’s
Dracula
had been adapted to film, though the names and settings were changed
because the studio could not obtain the rights to the novel, which
had not yet fallen to public domain. Shadow
of the Vampire
suggests that the star of the film – Max Schreck – was actually
a vampire. John Malkovich, Udo Kier, and Eddie Izzard also put on
great performances. This one's not exactly chock full of action, but it's a tremendous film.
2)
From Dusk ‘Til Dawn
I
can’t explain why, but I didn’t like this movie the first time I
saw it. I think part of it was that it felt like it took a long time
for the vampires to show up. I don’t know. But I was very stupid.
This movie is fucking amazing and its gonzo, over-the-top treatment
of vampires is fantastic. I love everything about this movie, from
Tarantino’s creepiness to Clooney’s cool to Tom Savini’s Sex
Machine. There isn’t a vampire movie out there that’s more fun
than this one, and it would probably be my top pick if I didn’t
have such a soft spot for the next movie…
- 1) Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter
I’ve
written about this one plenty of times. I love it. Every single actor
in the movie is fantastic and every single character feels like
something straight out of a comic book. I love the idea of different
species of vampires. And Horst Janson as Kronos is just amazing. He
handles his character in a way that is so believable and yet almost
superhuman. There is never one second where you doubt he can handle
what’s coming. I really wish somebody would follow through with the
original intention of this movie and make it a television series.
Even though they’re never going to find a lady as hot as Caroline
Munro to play Carla.
That’s
my Top thirteen, which is kind of a running number for me, but I want
to give an honorable mention to a movie we checked out last year
called Stake
Land.
It’s a post-apocalyptic vampire movie and it’s really, really
good except for a slow part towards the end. I highly recommend you
check this one out. Because of the slow part I can’t really call it
a favorite, but it is a fantastic study of characters and the
atmosphere and tone are just amazing. Great FX, great performances,
and Danielle Harris, who is super-hot.
There
are some omissions here that I feel like people might question.
Salem’s
Lot –
A great
vampire story, but also a television miniseries.
Buffy
the Vampire Slayer
– I never liked the movie. Still don’t. Paul Reubens is great,
though.
The
Lost Boys
– This movie never sat right with me. I couldn’t put my finger on
it then, but I think maybe it’s because it’s the genesis of the
sparkly, sensitive vampire. Plus the protagonist just looks like such
a pussy.
John
Carpenter’s Vampires
– John Carpenter + vampires = success, right? I actively disliked
this movie the first time I saw it. Actually, I think I might have
even walked out. Every time I see it referenced or anything I think,
“Huh, I must have been wrong about that one,” and every time I
watch it again I still don’t like it.
Nosferatu
– I’m referring to both the silent one and the 70’s remake
here. They are both classics and should both be seen, but once is all
you really need. Neither one is the most exciting movie ever and they
certainly aren’t ones I need to watch more than once every five
years or so. But I would highly recommend you watch a double feature
of Murnau’s Nosferatu
and Shadow
of the Vampire.
Side
Note: In the purest of coincidences, SyFy is showing a shit-ton of
vampire movies this weekend, including the aforementioned Stake
Land.
I would love to claim that I had planned this out, but it just
happened this way. Awesome, huh?
Phantom
Troublemaker vs. 31 Days of Halloween
If
you’re new here or haven’t been keeping up, this is where I give
my thoughts on SyFy’s “31 days of Halloween” programming.
Obviously I haven’t seen everything I’ll be talking about, but
that’s kind of what the internet is all about – talking out of
your ass.
Each
day I will cover the schedule from the time my post goes live
(usually 11 AM) through the following 24 hours. On Fridays I will
cover the whole weekend, which is a huge pain in the ass but also
kind of fun.
Enjoy!
12:00
PM – 2:00 PM – One Missed Call
– This is just getting irritating. It’s bad enough I have to
write about things that outright suck or that I’ve never even heard
of. But this nonsense of playing the same movie twice (or more) in a
couple of days is a bunch of horsepucky.
Halloween
score – 3
Quality
score – 3
2:00
PM – 4:00 PM – Thir13en Ghosts
– I don’t know what I like more about Shannon Elizabeth. The fact
that she was in Jack Frost?
Her abominable accent in the American
Pie movies? Her radiant
smile? This?:
I
think she’s due for a comeback.
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 4
4:00
PM – 6:00 PM – From Dusk ‘Til Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money
– I think I remember disliking this one pretty severely, despite
going in with an open mind and remembering how wrong I was about the
original. I should give it another chance.
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 2
6:00
PM – 8:00 PM – From Dusk ‘Til Dawn 3: The Hangman’s Daughter
– This one might have been good. I don’t recall it being
disappointing, anyway. And I think it has a neat shot at the end that
ties everything together. This, too, deserves another watch.
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 3
8:00
PM – 10:00 PM – WWE SmackDown
– Unless something amazing happens, this will mark the fourth
straight week I have just skipped watching SmackDown. This is how bad
it is: the next pay-per-view is in Atlanta and I didn’t even
consider going. And CM Punk – one of my favorite wrestlers of all
time is one of the main
champs and I just can’t bring myself to care.
Halloween
score – 0
Quality
score – 2
10:00
PM – 11:00 PM – Haven
– Being that I am a huge Stephen King nerd you’d think I would
have watched this show. I haven’t even given it a chance. I guess I
should, but I really can’t stand Xander’s best friend.
Halloween
score – 3
Quality
score – 3 (It’s probably an okay show)
11:00
PM – 12:00 AM – Alphas
– This again?
Halloween
score – 0
Quality
score – 2
SATURDAY
12:00
AM – 1:00 AM – Haven
– A repeat of the 10 PM episode.
Halloween
score – 3
Quality
score – 3
1:00
AM – 3:00 AM – From Dusk ‘Til Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money
– I think I remember disliking this one pretty severely, despite
going in with an open mind and remembering how wrong I was about the
original. I should give it another chance.
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 2
3:00
AM – 5:00 AM – From Dusk ‘Til Dawn 3: The Hangman’s Daughter
– This one might have been good. I don’t recall it being
disappointing, anyway. And I think it has a neat shot at the end that
ties everything together. This, too, deserves another watch.
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 3
5:00
AM – 6:00 AM – Scare Tactics
– Tracy, you so kuh-razay.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 2
6:00
AM – 9:00 AM – Paid Programming
– I want to record an infomercial about nothing. It would be the
Seinfeld
of infomercials. I’d have guests, demonstrations on how to do
nothing. It would be great.
Halloween
score – 1
Quality
score – 5
9:00
AM – 11:00 AM – Dark Prince: The True Story of Dracula
– Before you go laughing out loud (like I did) at the idea of SyFy
telling the True Story of anything, know that this was originally
done by the USA Network. It might actually be kind of good. I mean,
who could possibly doubt the quality of something starring Roger
Daltry as Vlad Tepes?
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 3
11:00
AM – 1:00 PM – Prowl
– This is an After Dark production, which could be good or bad. The
premise is that a bunch of kids get picked up by a truck driver named
Bernard, who delivers them without incident to their intended
destination.
Ha!
Of course that’s not what happens!
Bernard
actually takes them to an abandoned warehouse where something awful
is going on. This sounds kind of good. We’re going to be at the
Little 5 Points Halloween Parade trying to avoid urban outdoorsmen
swearing openly in public, so I’m going to try to remember to set
the DVR.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 3
1:00
PM – 3:00 PM – Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant
– I totally dug this movie. John C. Reilly was a much more
effective vampire than I thought he would be and the kid was pretty
good. I definitely wish it had done well enough to spawn sequels.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 4
3:00
PM – 5:00 PM – 30 Days of Night: Dark Days
– I didn’t care much for something about the first 30
Days of Night movie. I
can’t remember what. But something irritated me about it. Since I
bought it sight unseen, you would think I’d go back and watch it
again to find out what it was or see if I was wrong. I haven’t
bothered with the sequel, but I did like the web series they showed
on Fear.net.
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 2
5:00
PM – 7:00 PM – Stake Land
– This really is an excellent movie. Set your DVR or put it in your
Netflix queue or whatever, but check it out.
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 3
7:00
PM – 9:00 PM – Daybreakers
– This movie looks awesome and stars Sam Neill and Willem Dafoe and
I don’t think I’ve ever even heard of it. Sometimes these things
happen, but I don’t know how. I hope it doesn’t suck.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 4
9:00
PM – 11:00 PM – Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
– The first two Underworld
movies were pretty awesome.
As a matter of fact, I’d say they were equally good. This one was
not. I can’t even force myself to watch the whole thing. It just
gets on my nerves for some reason. There’s something about it
that’s just… crappy. I don’t know how to explain it.
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 2
11:00
PM – 1:00 AM – Stake Land
– A replay. I can’t very well back out of giving SyFy shit about
doing replays just because it’s a movie I like. Oh, wait – yes I
can. Look! It’s another opportunity to watch a great flick!
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 4
SUNDAY
1:00
AM – 3:00 AM – Wolvesbayne
– This absolutely has
to be an attempt to cash in on the name recognition of Blodrayne. And
thanks to Uwe Boll for fucking that up, by the way.
Jeremy
London (who it’s worth noting is not a sexy redhead female) is a
werewolf working with vampire hunters. This had better be a comedy.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 2
3:00
AM – 5:00 AM – Skinwalkers
– This is a good
werewolf flick featuring the Native American take on lycanthropy.
Elias Koteas is in it, too.
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 3
5:00
AM – 6:00 AM – Scare Tactics
– (Astronaut Jones quote)
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 2
6:00
AM – 9:00 AM – Paid Programming
– If it weren’t for Paid Programming, SyFy would probably be
showing a replay of Underworld:
Rise of the Lycans. So
let’s be thankful they’re raising a little cash instead.
Halloween
score – 1
Quality
score – 5
9:00
AM – 10:30 AM – Scare Tactics
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 2
10:30
AM – 12:30 PM – Red: Werewolf Hunter
– I like Felicia Day. I like looking at Felicia Day. I like
werewolves. I like alternate takes on fairy tales and stuff. But I
couldn’t get past the first twenty minutes of this movie. I need to
give it another chance, but I don’t know if that will happen this
year.
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 2
12:30
PM – 2:30 PM – An American Werewolf In London
– Even after doing twenty days worth of these I’m still surprised
when SyFy chooses to air what I would consider a “legit” movie. I
watched this again recently after a hiatus of a few years. It was one
of those deals where I had watched it so many times it got a little
stale. Thankfully, I was ready to see it again. An
American Werewolf In London
is still an amazing horror flick. The werewolf transformations are
just as remarkable as you’ve heard.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 4
2:30
PM – 4:30 PM – Daybreakers
– C’mon. We were on a roll. Well, a two movie roll. But I guess
they had to throw a replay in here, and at least this is only the
second time they’ve shown this one.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 4
4:30
PM – 7:00 PM – Blade II
– This is my least favorite of the Blade
franchise, but it is still an awesome movie. Saying Blade
II is my least favorite of
the three is like saying Alexandra Breckenridge isn’t as hot as
Jessica Biel or Milla Jovovich.
Halloween
score – 2
Quality
score – 3
7:00
PM – 9:00 PM – Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
– You know what would have made this movie better? No, seriously.
If you do, put something in the comments. I’m curious.
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 2
9:00
PM – 11:00 PM – Queen of the Damned
– I actually tried to watch this the other day because I had a
brief period of time with nothing going on. It was stupid. Like,
really stupid.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 2
11:00
PM – 1:00 AM – Stigmata
– I don’t quite understand how we got from vampire and werewolf
movies to this, a religious apocalypse movie. SyFy is worse at segues
than Brian Posehn.
Halloween
score – 3
Quality
score – 3
MONDAY
1:00
AM – 3:00 AM – The Midnight Meat Train
– This is an adaptation of a short story from Clive Barker’s
first Books of Blood
collection. It’s a great
movie. Bradley Cooper stars as a dude who finds himself in the middle
of some very weird shit. Vinnie Jones stars as the perpetrator of
said weird shit. I need to buy this one. It’s that good.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 4
3:00
AM – 5:00 AM – Darklight
– A movie about Lilith – the first woman – and a secret society
devoted to stop her from killing… well… everybody.
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 3
5:00
AM – 5:30 AM – Scare Tactics
– Tracy Morgan's Threepio impersonation is awesome.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 2
5:30
AM – 6:00 AM – Twilight Zone
– "Nothing in the Dark". This one’s gonna make you cry
a little bit. Seriously.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 5
6:00
AM – 8:00 AM – Paid Programming
– Only two hours today. I will be asleep.
Halloween
score – 1
Quality
score – 5
8:00
AM – 8:30 AM – Scare Tactics– "Chill Out".
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 2
8:30
AM – 11:30 AM – Alphas
– Blech.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 4
Come on
back Monday for what will probably be another spooky toy review.
-Phantom
From Dusk Til Dawn would be my #1 vampire flick. This is also, in my opinion, George Clooney's greatest movie. Great list Phantom!
ReplyDeleteThanks! The documentary about the filming of From Dusk 'Til Dawn is also fantastic if you haven't seen it. It's called Full Tilt Boogie and was included with the Special Edition DVD. Don't know how available it currently is.
DeleteVery cool list, although I've only seen 5 of the movies.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you that 'Blade' is actually what kickstarted the modern comic book movie boom. New Line took a bit of a risk and purchased what was probably the reasonably priced license from Marvel, because only comic book people even knew who Blade was at the time.
When it became a success I believe that's when movie studios decided to take a look at the more popular Marvel properties, and X-men was born.
It really was a heck of a risk. Thank goodness they went for it.
Delete