Seven
years ago today I made my wife the luckiest woman in the world.
Well,
I guess she’d tell you that moment came two years and twelve days
later when our son was born, but I’m sure October 15, 2005 is a
close second.
I
wouldn’t change anything about my life since I met this woman.
Okay, well, I’d probably make it so the house never flooded. And I
might go back and fix the lottery. But you know what I mean. I love
this lady and I want to be with her always. She’s the best.
We
have watched countless horror movies and shows together of many
varying degrees of quality. Every year we both look forward to
October and the month of spooky fun it brings. Ever since we met we
anticipate that first trip to the Halloween store. The two years we
visited Walt Disney World during their Halloween festivities are
probably the best trips I’ve ever had. We used to throw the best
Halloween parties, but stopped because we both got pissy about people
not wearing costumes.
Side
Note: Anybody that throws a Halloween party spends countless hours
and at least a couple hundred dollars inviting you into their home to
have a good time. You’ve got to have some fucking nerve to show up
without a costume, and I think it should be law that if you do,
everybody at the party gets to piss on you. And then throw your
fucking lame ass out.
Together,
me and the missus have covered our house in horror movie posters,
Disney villains, Living Dead Dolls, and all manner of genre décor.
Heck, for our engagement pictures we painted our faces, dressed in
all black, and hung out with a skull and some tombstones.
This
lady not only tolerates my expensive toy habit, she often encourages
it.
We
don’t love all the same stuff and we don’t always agree about
what sucks and what doesn’t. But we’re both okay with not
agreeing. I couldn’t ask for a better person to spend the rest of
my life with.
Now
I just hope she reads this for once.
Phantom
Troublemaker vs. 31 Days of Halloween
If
you’re new here or haven’t been keeping up, this is where I give
my thoughts on SyFy’s “31 days of Halloween” programming.
Obviously I haven’t seen everything I’ll be talking about, but
that’s kind of what the internet is all about – talking out of
your ass.
Each day
I will cover the schedule from the time my post goes live (usually 11
AM) through the following 24 hours. On Fridays I will cover the whole
weekend, which is a huge pain in the ass but also kind of fun.
Enjoy!
11:00 AM –
12:00 PM – Paranormal Witness
– “The Apartment” – as much as I sometimes miss the
simplicity of apartment living, I think realistically you are much
more likely to have a horrible experience in an apartment. My closest
brush with the supernatural came when I was living by myself in the
last apartment I was in. I fell asleep on the couch – as I often
did – and was awakened by toys falling off of the shelves and the
entire place shaking. I actually thought somebody was lifting the
couch off of the floor and shaking it. More specifically, I thought
aliens
were lifting the couch up off the floor. I was positive I was being
taken away. If you haven’t read it here before, I have a big
problem with aliens. There’s nothing I’m more scared of than
greys. And I thought they had come to get me. It turned out it was
just an earthquake, but that shit freaked me out.
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 4
12:00 PM –
3:00 PM – The Devil’s Advocate
– Okay, SyFy.
There are thousands
of horror movies to choose from. I don’t pretend to understand the
ins and outs of programming a cable network, but I have to think you
could avoid this. Especially considering you just played it a few
days ago and this movie isn’t even all that Halloweeny in the first
place. Still, Al Pacino as Satan isn’t bad.
Halloween
score – 2
Quality
score – 3
3:00 PM –
5:30 PM – The Village
– ***SPOLIER
ALERT!***
This movie blows.
Halloween
score – 2
Quality
score – 1
5:30 PM –
8:00 PM – The Mist
– This movie, on the other hand, is totally rad. But they just
fucking showed it the other day. They could at least show the black
and white version. It’s better. No – seriously. Check it out if
you can.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 5
8:00 PM –
9:00 PM – Alphas
– The new ads look
very exciting, what with all the explosions and Sean Astin. But I
just can’t care.
Halloween
score - 2
Quality
score – 2
9:00 PM –
11:30 PM – Blade II
– Awesome movie. I still find it odd that Guillermo del Toro
directed this one. For a long time it was my favorite of the trilogy,
but now I think I like the other two more. Not sure why. I probably
need to sit down and watch them all again.
Halloween
score - 5
Quality
score – 4
11:30 PM –
12:30 AM – Alphas
– A replay of the
8 PM episode.
Halloween
score - 2
Quality
score – 2
WEDNESDAY
12:30 AM –
2:30 AM – Ghost Voyage
– Not to be confused with Ghost
Ship, which I actually like
a whole lot – enough to have bought it. Oddly, somebody seems to
have copied Ghost Voyage’s
entire script to Wikipedia, word-for-word:
The
plot deals with nine strangers, most of whom are engaged in criminal
and/or morally questionable acts, who wake up on an abandoned cargo
ship with no memory of how they arrived there.
The ship's steward soon appears
and explains "the rules" to them: First, do not breach any
closed doors. Second, do not enter the captain's quarters. Third, do
not refuse any orders from a member of the crew. And don't smoke. The
unfortunate passengers soon find out that the ship is haunted by
malevolent spirits and that they've all been brought there for some
mysterious reason. The spirits take those who have committed greater
sins (i.e. murder, adultery, drugs, etc.).
Most of the seven
strangers die because they broke a rule. The first is a convict who
smokes. He is attacked by a ghost and is thrown into hell. The second
is a drug addict. He refused an order from the steward and has the
life sucked out of him. Next, a producer and actress enter the
captain's quarters. The actress becomes a ghost and the producer is
murdered. Finally, when two more convicts breach a closed door, they
set the door on fire and a demon forms from the fire, killing them
both.
The remaining 3
learn that they are actually dead. The steward congratulates them for
not breaking any rules, and then explains what is happening. Working
together, the three retrieve the funeral boat on the cargo ship and
set sail. More demons attempt to kill them. After one of them is
sucked to hell, the others manage to get to land. They have no memory
of the events on the ship. The last scene shows the steward
explaining the rules to the next set of strangers, implying a
continuous cycle of hell and death.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 3
2:30 AM –
4:00 AM – Scare Tactics
– I would much rather see Tracy Morgan doing this:
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 2
4:00 AM –
8:00 AM – Paid Programming
–
Oh, paid programming
You made Sharktopus happen
For that I love you
Halloween
score – 1
Quality
score – 5
8:00 AM –
11:00 AM – Ghost Hunters
–
Look out! It’s a ghost!
Oh no, wait, it’s just the wind
My life is a fail
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 1
Come
back tomorrow for what may initially seem like kind of a cheat until
you think about how you would react if a blue body builder with furry
underpants and a green skull for a head and a dragon chained to his
back started chasing you. Think about that.
-Phantom
Congratulations! By my math, though, your wedding was 5 years ago?
ReplyDeleteDon't tell Mrs. Troublemaker "I know we've been together for 5 years, but it feels like 7."
I originally had that phrased differently and forgot to change the year. Fixed.
Delete107 years by my count! ;) -Mrs. Troublemaker
ReplyDelete<n11nn
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