It
is once again time to discuss the massive event that is the Atlanta
Zombie Apocalypse!
For
three years now AZA has been the
big event for the month of October. If you don’t know, this is no
haunted house. It’s an interactive – more so this year than any
other – experience where you are fully immersed in a world where
zombies roam the planet and only a small group of armed men and women
can help you and your friends survive. No pneumatic skeletons will be
popping out of doorways. There aren’t any mazes that are
spray-painted black with Walmart cobwebs spread all over. During the
month of October, AZA takes over all thirty acres and 90,000 interior
square feet of the Safety Wolf paintball facility and turns it into
the demesnes of the undead.
***SPOILER
ALERT!: There are portions of this attraction that are meant to
surprise, so if you want to go into this thing fresh do not read my
recap. Skip to the next orange bit that says “END OF SPOILERS”.***
DO
NOT HANG OUT IN THE AZA PARKING LOT DRINKING ADULT BEVERAGES BECAUSE
IT IS AGAINST THE RULES.
So
we definitely were not doing any of that. At all.
Unfortunately,
we also were not eating any Pallookaville corndogs. I am not privy to
the whole story, but apparently the people who own the facility where
AZA is held decided at the last minute they wanted to monopolize the
food sales for the event. Just to be clear, I fully support their
right to do so as well as the decision. If you have the ability to
freeze out competition you absolutely should. This is a private
business and those folks should be able to make that determination.
However.
Pallookaville
serves the best food on the planet, thus making that humble wagon of
comestibles a destination unto itself. If I know Pallookaville is
going to be set up somewhere I am not going to eat beforehand. I am
going to make a specific plan to eat at Pallookaville. I am not,
however, going to make a specific plan to eat Safety Wolf hamburgers
and potato chips.
By
the time everybody showed up there were about fifteen of us. This was
too many. I recommend you keep your group to ten or less because
that’s how many people AZA tries to keep per group. We ended up
with one group of nine and one group of six and I don’t think six
is enough. But we’ll get to that.
For
2012, the Atlanta Zombie Apocalypse consists of three separate
experiences. There are two regular walkthroughs – Z-War and Curse
of the Undead – as well as the Zombie Shoot. Z-War is mostly
interior and is a new variation on the traditional AZA experience.
Curse of the Undead takes you into the woods of the facility for the
first time ever for an experience involving the Dead,
all of whom are quite Evil.
Ahem. The Zombie Shoot is all-new, all-different this year. Last year
it was a simple shooting range with zombies slowly making their way
towards you. This year it is in a portion of the facility and you are
given fifty rounds and a mask and make your way through halls of
roaming undead. The pricing is as follows:
$20
Z-WAR
$20
CURSE OF THE UNDEAD
$30
COMBO Ticket (Both ZWAR and CURSE)
$30
ZOMBIE SHOOT
$55
– FULL COMBO (All 3 attractions)
We
happened to go on a night when the combo tickets were ten bucks off,
so that was cool.
The
exterior of AZA features a merch tent where you can buy AZA t-shirts,
a setup where you can get a photo with some zombies, and a food tent.
I would say a t-shirt and a photo are a must for first-timers. The
t-shirt designs are all very cool and you’re definitely going to
want a souvenir of your experience. The photo opportunity is really
neat as well, with a full array of weapons and gear for you to choose
from to wield and wear while you pose between a couple of zombified
mannequins. With all that was going on I forgot to get a picture this
year, but here’s the one me and Rescue John got last year:
Before
I get into my recap I want to make it absolutely clear that I don’t
think AZA had enough actors last Friday night. I can’t really say
whether or not I think that’s okay, as I’m not sure how I feel
about it. But the experience definitely differed from past years as a
result. I wonder if spreading their resources out over three full
attractions might have been too much.
My
group of six ended up doing Curse of the Undead first. Not from any
sort of plan, that’s just how it worked out. Definitely be aware
that you will be waiting in line for a bit. Even if you arrive early,
the attractions are all guided and take a certain amount of time. The
quality of the experience demands a wait beforehand; but it’s worth
it. We were the third group in line and I would say we waited between
twenty and thirty minutes. Not bad, really.
Once
we got to the front we were assigned our guide and told the rules,
which are essentially this: don’t touch anybody, no pictures, keep
moving. Simple enough. Here are my own personal additions to those
rules: have fun, don’t be a dick, get into it.
The
first one is obvious. The second just means be polite to the staff
and don’t ruin it for any strangers that might be in your group by
being a jackass. While you are certainly part of the show, you are
not the star. Don’t show off for your buddies by trying to get out
ahead of your guide or mess with the zombies or any of that kind of
jock bullshit. As far as getting into it, just immerse yourself. Have
fun and scream and run and get scared. Don’t be cynical. If you
can’t go along with those three things, you really shouldn’t
bother going. Also, you are probably a boring asshole that won’t be
invited when your friends go anyway.
Curse
of the Undead starts when you wander into what is supposed to be a
police station. It took me a minute to figure this out because the
guy that was supposed to be a cop was about twelve and the station
might not have had the most set dressing ever. The cop was clearly
getting used to his role, but the girl who was there reporting a
missing person was fantastic.
So
we walked in on a scene where this girl is freaking out on the cop
because her boyfriend – Ben Traymor (I think – the name sounded
so familiar but I can’t place why) – had gone missing in the
nearby woods. The cop – who was beleaguered by recent odd goings-on
in the area – was trying his best to deal with the hysterical young
woman. A phone was ringing incessantly in the next room, not helping
the situation. The cop entered the room and demanded to know why a
fellow officer hadn’t answered, only to find that fellow officer
dead as a doornail. Well, a doornail that jumps up and groans at you
after it dies.
From
there, everybody was told to get the heck out of the police station
and our group – consisting of me, Mrs. Troublemaker, Rescue John,
Bear, the Queen of Crunk, and her friend Little Nikki – followed
Cop Kid and Girlfriend out of the rooms that made up the police
station setting. Cop Kid explained that people in hooded robes had
been causing problems lately and that all manner of weirdness had
been reported. That night, the weirdness seemed to have come to a
boiling point.
We
spent a harrowing few minutes in hallways dodging zombies that the
officer held at bay, then ended up in a larger, open room with
sinister proceedings going on. There was a huge altar on the far side
with a scantily-clad, comely young lass tied to it. Naturally. At the
base were a pair of seemingly lifeless corpses. An ominous figure in
a red hooded robe stood nearby, voicing incantations that you just
knew were going to lead to no good. The hooded man stalked over to
the restrained girl and turned his back toward us. As he continued
speaking, the girl started screaming and suddenly stopped. An arm
emerged from the red robes and held out the girl’s heart. At the
same time, the corpses at the foot of the altar stirred as a result
of the sacrifice. Cop Kid and Girlfriend flipped out and told us to
get moving as the newly-reanimated bodies began writhing and hissing.
From
there we moved outside where things didn’t seem a whole heck of a
lot better.
There
was some kind of weird town set up – a variation on past years’
shanty town of filthy survivors – and I’m not quite sure how it
fit into the narrative. But whatever. As soon as we got outside we
were treated to a small combat arena where bets were being placed on
humans fighting zombies. I really liked this and though it was a neat
touch. From there you encounter all manner of pimps, whores, and
human detritus. The place is a wretched hive of scum and villainy.
There was one whore in particular that was very entertaining. She
kept leaning on the wall and air-humping in what was meant to be a
seductive fashion and solicited Rescue John for her services. The
awesome part was that she clearly had either late-stage leprosy or
early-stage zombie going on.
There
was a deranged little town square with more miscreants milling about
and shouting at us. The self-appointed mayor demanded I bring him
supplies back from somewhere and I agreed. Meanwhile, a corseted
ghouls who would have been Divine if she didn’t look so Dangerous
harassed our group from another side. We also got to see a birth. It
was gross.
After
the shanty town from Hell we moved on into the woods. We had lost Kid
Cop some time ago, but Girlfriend was still with us. Whoever had
guided us through town handed us off to some Goth chick. This is
where costuming failed a bit, as she was supposed to be sort of a
crazy, backwoods girl but wasn’t dressed right at all. She guided
us through the woods, shooting the occasional – very
occasional – zombie every once in a while. Finally we ended up at a
shed with a hillbilly nutjob out front.
He
seemed friendly enough at first, but eventually sicced some zombies
on us.
Halfway
to our next destination we finally found Ben Traymor. Despite my
warnings, Girlfriend ran out to him and got eaten.
More
woods with sporadic zombies – who might be more properly referred
to as Deadites, given the method of resurrection – and then a
strangely familiar-looking cabin. We paused for a moment, then a
zombie came out of the woods. Just as it seemed the end was nigh –
or we might have to keep running – a guy dressed up as Ashley
Williams emerged from the cabin (well, from behind the cabin) and
used his chainsaw to do what he does best.
Pseudo
Ash then led us to a graveyard where another red hooded figure was
standing and incantation-ing. This bit took a really long time. I’m
not sure exactly what was supposed to happen here, but there was
definitely a sense that some timing was off. Finally, Ash shot the
red hooded dude and a horde of zombies – by which I mean two –
stormed out from behind us – by which I mean casually moseyed. Ash
shot at them and told us to get moving. We emerged on the far side of
the facility. That was it. I definitely did not get the sense of a
big climax from the ending of Curse of the Undead.
We regrouped in the parking lot, where we most certainly did not
enjoy a couple more adult beverages because that is against the
rules. I have no idea where the other portion of our group went. We
totally lost track of them.
Next
up was Z-War. This scenario is post-zombie outbreak and sort of
follows the story the previous years of AZA have established. The CDD
is at it again, this time developing zombies as weapons, kind of like
Return of the Living Dead
Part 3.
Our
guide this time around was a more military-style fellow. I can’t
fault him for staying in character, but he was maybe a little too
in character. Nobody wants to be told to shut up a whole bunch of
times. You maybe tell your group once to maintain silence and then
just go with it from there. He was kind of sucking the fun out of
things. But then we met Cyrus, and Cyrus was the single best thing
about the 2012 Atlanta Zombie Apocalypse. He was an example of
staying in character and going with the flow. And I really, really
hope somebody reads this and tells Cyrus how awesome he was.
I
didn’t catch who Cyrus was supposed to be, but I took him to be the
janitor. Cyrus is batshit insane and is your only way out of the
dangerous CDD facility.
But
before we got to Cyrus we traversed the halls of the CDD, guided by
Private Dickweed. There were random zombie attacks, which Private
Dickweed ended using no less than five rounds of ammunition each
time. Dude was quintuple-tapping and I told him repeatedly to stop it
because he was wasting ammo. If only I had realized he was setting an
example I should later follow.
There
was a laboratory with a mad scientist type examining a particularly
gruesome skeleton. This thing looked really good. The room had a cage
in it, and what was basically the tar zombie from Return
of the Living Dead was
inside. It looked pretty good and you damn well knew that thing was
going to bust out as soon as Private Dickweed and the Mad scientist
finished their expository sketch.
Side
Note: What is it with British accents? It seems like if somebody is
going to put on an accent, it’s almost always British. First,
there’s really no need to use an accent unless you are actually a
British character. Second, if you feel like you have
to use an accent, try something different. It is not always the
Renaissance Festival.
Mad
Scientist was portraying crazy as best he could, but it was still a
little shocking when Private Dickweed just straight-up shot him. Then
the zombie – which some of us had totally forgotten about somehow –
busted out of his cage and severely startled certain members of our
group. Private Dickweed shot him, too.
I
think we ran outside next and the place was absolutely peppered with
zombies. At least a half-dozen of the mindless flesh eaters were
doing their level best to swarm around the huge, open yard.
Then
we went back inside, and this is where we met Cyrus.
Cyrus
looked kind of like Nick Dinsmore and was clad in a CDD t-shirt and
some coveralls.
Side
Note: If they had been selling that CDD t-shirt I would have bought
one.
Cyrus
was so awesome, you guys. He told us a bunch of stuff about what the
CDD was doing and said he needed help to get out of the facility.
Cyrus was also much friendlier than Private Dickweed, so we had no
problem following him.
Not
only was Cyrus great, but there were a whole lot of really clever
parts to the new Z-War CDD scenario. There were laser sensors we had
to duck under, parts where we got sent ahead to distract zombies –
which Mrs. Troublemaker did by dancing, and parts where we had to
activate buttons and stuff. Finally we reached the end of the
gauntlet.
There
were two buttons that had to be activated simultaneously, so Cyrus
and Private Dickweed got into place. As soon as they hit their
buttons, a thing that was probably supposed to be really big
happened, but maybe didn’t come off quite right because it wasn’t
entirely concealed when we got there and therefore was no kind of
surprise whatsoever. So rather than screaming in fright and running
for our lives, we kind of moseyed out the door. Also, I think the
thing should have made some noise.
Cyrus
was still amazing,
though.
We
found out later that the other group did not have Cyrus and I feel
really bad for them. Apparently they change up the experience for
each group that goes through, which I think is awfully ambitious and
pretty cool.
Aside
from there being less zombies than I felt there should be, the only
thing really missing from Z-War was any kind of sign of what the CDD
was proclaimed to be doing. Ideally, we would have seen a progression
of stranger and more weaponized zombies leading up to the big thing
at the end.
Finally
it was time to shoot some zombies. Me and Rescue John were the only
ones that opted for this one. I think mostly because it cost
twenty-five additional dollars. But I felt obligated to do it because
I knew I would be reporting to you fine people and Rescue John just
really wanted to shoot some zombies.
The
wait for this one was really
long considering the number of people in front of us. At least half
an hour, maybe more. That may not seem like too much, but I was very
conscious of the fact that people were waiting for us.
Once
we did get inside, we had to sign a waiver – which I read – so
that AZA wouldn’t be held accountable if we did some dumb shit like
shoot each other in the eye. After that they issue you a protective
mask and a paintball gun with fifty rounds and your guide takes two
of you through the course.
I
am going to bitch a lot here, so strap in.
The
mask sucked. First of all, it smelled like several hundred other
people had worn it on their personal areas before it was given to me.
I asked the lady at the counter if they hosed those things out
between customers and she lied and said they did. Then we were
issued empty paintball guns. Our guide figured that out and issued us
two defective guns, then finally realized the solution and
transferred the paintballs from the defective guns into
the empty guns. It’s those kind of crack decision-making skills
that will advance you through This Man’s Army.
Our
guide was terrible. I think we were interrupting his nap time or
something. Imagine Ben Stein narrating the zombie apocalypse. The
only time he ever broke his bored monotone was when he told us to
keep moving, and I suspect this is because the only direction he
received was to keep us moving.
Rescue
John took point and I followed because I was fucking sick of being at
the front. I had been at the front all night and you know what
happens when you’re at the front? You get to see all the zombies
hiding behind walls waiting to jump out at the rest of your group.
Nothing ever
happens to the person in front.
Unfortunately
that rule does not apply to the Zombie Shoot.
Every
once in a while we would find a room with a zombie or two in it.
Rescue John would double-tap and I would watch our flank, positive
that zombies would pop out. The few times I did discharge my weapon I
double-tapped and moved on.
After
a tense few minutes of room-clearing, we emerged into a Safe Zone. I
thought maybe we’d take a breather or switch guides (I was really
hoping for the latter), but that was it. The end. I had used maybe
ten rounds.
I
will take partial blame for the Zombie Shoot kind of sucking –
years of playing Resident
Evil have taught me to
conserve my ammunition. But apparently the AZA folks are counting on
you just firing wildly at everything that moves. If I had done that
and if our guide hadn’t absolutely sucked I think the Zombie Shoot
would have been a lot more fun. Again, I can’t totally hold the
fact that there just weren’t that many zombies against the
attraction. There’s only so much control they have over how many
people show up to perform any given night.
***END
OF SPOILERS***
Hang
in there – I’ll get to my non-spoilery overview in a minute.
After
we got out of the Zombie Shoot we met up with the rest of the group.
The other part of the group were going to a bar called Midway in the
East Atlanta Village, so we said good night. I can’t stand that
place and had no interest in going there. Instead, we went to Elmyr –
a Mexican joint in Little Five Points. It was cheap and the food was
good, but the first waiter we got was a complete asshole and was rude
to Mrs. Troublemaker. We won’t be going back. We did get a waitress
later on that was great.
As a matter of fact, when it came time to pay the bill I asked the
girl who the tip would go to. She said they split them up and I told
her that was a shame because she was great and the guy was a jerk.
She apologized for him.
I
understand that more often than not these douchey little hipster
joints have staff that is more firmly embedded than a tenured high
school geography teacher. It’s just one of those things you have to
live with. I mean, I
don’t; but I guess some people do. I’m already displeased enough
by the overly loud music, the snotty names for regular foods, and the
filthy environs that all it takes for me to swear off a place is one
wrong word from the staff. There are hundreds
of places to eat in Downtown Atlanta and your shitty little dive is
no more special than any other shitty little dive.
Your
walls painted by a local artist who probably couldn’t afford to eat
in your establishment are not unique.
Your
cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon are not special.
Your
“House Fries” – which are overcooked slices of potato with
Bac-Os and maybe cilantro drenched in Velveeta – are not exclusive.
Your
rickety chairs, filthy tables, driftwood picture frames, napkin
dispensers covered with stickers from local bands, packets of natural
sugar, and revoltingly overly-hoppy house brews are not eye-opening
treats that patrons will keep coming back for time and time again.
But
you’re not here for my opinions of shitty little eateries. You want
to know, overall, how good the Atlanta Zombie Apocalypse is, right?
It’s
still pretty great. The things I had issues with were variable
factors, not ongoing problems. The seeming lack of zombies will be
different on any given night. Having one not-very-fun guide and one
absolutely terrible guide are things that most people may not
experience and that might improve over time.
I
also have to consider the fact that I was irritated at the way our
group got split up. Just a couple more people would have crowded
things in more and made for a completely different atmosphere.
Overall
AZA is still a must-do Halloween attraction. Thirty dollars for Curse
of the Undead and Z-War is a fucking bargain. I don’t know that the
Zombie Shoot is worth twenty-five additional dollars. I suppose if it
were packed with zombies and you had a guide that seemed like he gave
something resembling a shit it might be. But at the very least, you
absolutely must
visit AZA this season. If I can find the time I might well go again.
Actually,
I’d really love to go and be a zombie. I doubt very much I’ll
ever have time for that, though.
Keep
checking in on Needless Things, as I plan on visiting the Chambers of
Horror, Dark Harvest, and making a return to The Netherworld after
skipping it for the past… man… seven years? I will review them
all here if I can go.
Phantom
Troublemaker vs. 31 Days of Halloween
If
you’re new here or haven’t been keeping up, this is where I give
my thoughts on SyFy’s “31 days of Halloween” programming.
Obviously I haven’t seen everything I’ll be talking about, but
that’s kind of what the internet is all about – talking out of
your ass.
Each
day I will cover the schedule from the time my post goes live
(usually 11 AM) through the following 24 hours. On Fridays I will
cover the whole weekend, which is a huge pain in the ass but also
kind of fun.
Enjoy!
11:00
AM – 2:00 PM – Ghost Hunters International– Diese Esel finden nie ein Gespenst. Ces ânes ne trouveront jamais un fantôme. Questi asini non troveranno mai un fantasma.
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 1
2:00
PM – 12:00 AM – Face Off
– This is an absolutely fantastic show and I highly recommend you
watch it. If you don’t know, it features makeup and FX artists from
across the country competing for what basically amounts to money and
prestige. I am not a fan of reality shows, but this is a good one.
They are minimal with the drama and mostly feature the contestants
competing in their various challenges. Roy from Tucker, GA is my
favorite. If you only catch one, be sure and watch “Monster Twist”
at 8 PM. It’s my favorite out of all three seasons of the show. The
newest episodes – with Dr. Seuss themed challenges – debuts at 9
and then is replayed at 11 after the Alice In Wonderland episode.
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 5
TUESDAY
12:00
AM – 1:00 AM – Hot Set
– I don’t like this as much as Face
Off, but it’s still good.
It features set designers rather than makeup people and is still a
lot of fun. This episode is – like the 10 PM Face
Off – Alice In Wonderland
themed.
Halloween
score – 3
Quality
score – 3
1:00
AM – 3:00 AM – Odysseus: Voyage to the Underworld
– Sometimes SyFy’s interpretations of mythology do tend toward a
horror aesthetic as opposed to straight myth. This might be perfectly
fine. I mean, don’t go expecting Clash
of the Titans (the original
one) or anything, but it might be fun.
Halloween
score – 3
Quality
score – 3
3:00
AM – 5:00 AM – Witchville
– The name makes this sound like a Disney XD movie of the week.
There is literally nothing promising about this movie. It is,
however, about witches; so at least it has that going for it.
Halloween
score – 4
Quality
score – 2
5:00
AM – 8:00 AM – Paid Programming
– Hooray for anything that helps keep SyFy on the air! At least we
know our favorite (and only) science fiction network will never be
threatened by White Devils like Mitt Romney! Who wants to personally
shoot Big Bird and rape Elmo in front of all the rest of the Muppets,
who he will then burn! Am I right? That’s what Facebook says,
anyway.
Halloween
score – 1
Quality
score – 5
8:00
AM – 11:00 AM – Ghost Hunters–
Halloween
score – 5
Quality
score – 0
Come
back tomorrow for a Q&A with the madmen of The Fifty-Two Ways!
They’ve got big things coming soon and I’ll have their newest
video release right here. That shit is hilarious.
-Phantom
Being part of the other group was sad in that we were missing a bundle of people but it was still fun. You know, i gave the girl with the missing boyfriend lots of advice and really tried to talk some sense into her. She wouldn;t listen. I said to let him go and maybe we would live but nooooo, she had to go and try to run into his arms. idiot. also, the lasers almost got us and then i got trampled. a good trampling is always worth the entry fee.
ReplyDeleteThat girl just wouldn't listen. She's the one that deserved to get trampled, not you. Then again, she did get eaten.
DeleteThank you so much for the kind words, consider Cyrus officially informed!
ReplyDeleteAwesome!
DeleteThanks for a very honest review .. hope ya can make it out again. Xoxo.s hillbilly nutjob
ReplyDeleteI'm working on it. Can't have enough hillbilly nutjobs in your life...
DeleteAs above, thanks for a very detailed review! The zombie shoot is unlike anything done before and we have worked hard to make it the best possible. Sometimes that is difficult when you have customers who are such pros ;) Honestly, Friday was a difficult night for that attraction - we were notably short staffed. As for the masks, we do & did wash them every night but not between customers. We are going to change things up this weekend to where masks do get sanitized between uses. As for Palookaville, no love lost with the corndog wagon, we just needed to have food every night, and that was only possible if we did it ourselves. It is not just KMart brand hotdogs though; we have several handmade and thematic foods like the brain burger, and sausage guts. Anyhow, thanks again for the writeup.
ReplyDeleteWell now I feel bad for pre-judging the food being offered. And thanks so much for providing the whole story on the eats.
Delete