DC
Frakkin’
W
(Top picture courtesy of Newligan Brandon)
Ladies
and gentlemen, it is time once again for the annual ass-whipping know
as Dragon*Con Wrestling or maybe Dragon*Con Championship Wrestling, I
really don’t fucking know. I’d say there was no evidence of
championship material amongst the lunatics and barbarians competing
on august 31st,
but somehow or another a few of these scumbags managed to get their
greasy paws on some legitimate championship gold. Quite frankly, I
think the only qualifying factor to win one of the titles we saw at
DCW must be having a waist.
By
the time we got into the ballroom, the Hooligans’ numbers were
already greater than usual. There were eighteen Hooligan Elite –
those of us who had opted for the 2012 Limited Edition DCW Hooligans
Purple Shirt of DOOM – and we determined that the first two rows
were for Purple Shirts ONLY. Everybody else did not have thirteen
dollars worth of love for the Hooligans and what we represent.
DCW
Chairman Buck Gently and DCW Vice President of Grizzle Earl T.
Stubing, Jr. hit the ring to welcome the fans and to perform the
annual ceremony honoring those that have survived the brutal
experience that is Dragon*Con wrestling long enough to have earned a
plaque. Joining them was DCW Manager of Redneck Visual Clichés Rufus
Toadbiscuit. Gently and Stubing asked for the crowd to settle down
and be respectful for the DCW Hall of Fame presentations and we did
our best to comply.
But
the first person they brought out was that despicable load of llama
tripe known as Bloated Bobby Auschwitz.
You
must understand – we Hooligans wanted to be respectful here. But
there’s just this powerful genetic imperative to boo
the fuck out of Bloated Bobby Auschwitz.
Just looking at him makes my middle fingers itch. Especially
considering he didn’t seem to be bloated anymore.
So
we booed the ever-loving shit out of him. It was the wrong move. Not
because we should have been respectful, but because it only
encouraged him and his amazing footwear to reach new heights of
obnoxiousness.
BUT
THEN! Emerging from not the DCW locker room but from the very bowels
of Hell, through Hellfire and brimstone and a black curtain that just
doesn’t quite conceal the back portion of the ballroom, the
Sinister Scion, the Immoral Icon, the Mailman of Mephistopheles…
HOT
TOPIC!
You
gotta give it up for Hot Topic, particularly when he lets out a
gut-curdling, blood-wrenching scream of DCW Hall of Fame victory.
But
then you go back to booing Bloated Bobby.
Unless
you’re the DCW locker room, who all came out to applaud these guys.
It would have been touching if it hadn’t been such a revolting
collection of loathsome brutes.
Speaking
of loathsome brutes, here comes Jack Wagon with two title belts he
clearly bought off the rack at the Pendergrass Flea Market. The red
one is the Southeastern Television Repairman Championship and the one
on the right is the 1997 US Ladies’ Figure Skating Title.
His
opponent tonight is Vin Weasel, who Buck Gently discovered behind the
Hyatt eating out of a dumpster. Turns out a few guys didn’t show up
and the roster was a little thin. Also, if by some miracle Vin Weasel
wins the annual Cab Fare Battle Royal Gently knows he won’t have to
pay out.
BUT
WAIT!
This
is no bullshit one-on-one match! Because here comes Official DCW
Hooligans Mascot Muffin Motherfucking Top! I ran over and knelt to
present our mascot with his very own Limited Edition DCW Hooligans
t-shirt. I think I saw a tear in his eye.
And
Judy. Judy is obviously a bad guy because he made a beeline for Jack
Wagon and the two started acting all chickenshitty. The dastardly
pair ambushed Muffin Top and Weasel as soon as their babyface backs
were turned. But the tide got turned and the heels were ejected from
the ring. They conferred outside, agreed on a game plan, and both
dashed back into the ring to exact vengeance! Except for Judy, who
totally left Jack Wagon out to dry, thereby becoming the most heelish
heel of the match and almost coming back around to babyface if he
wasn’t such a suckass.
After
getting whooped by Top and Weasel for a while, Jack Wagon managed to
get a little payback on Judy by bellyflopping into his crotch and
doing a little cockdusting. Vin Weasel was all like, “Man, I
would’ve totally done that for a bottle of Mad Dog!”
Eventually
the two heels separated, Wagon wiping his mouth and Judy trying to
wipe the gay off his dick. It doesn’t wipe off, Judy. Not ever.
The
action really fired up at that point and there was a ton of
breathtaking back-and-forth action. Weasel came down from the top
rope on the heels, Jack Wagon hit some brutal clotheslines, and
Muffin Top… well, he kind of got his ass beat a lot. Especially
during the Tower of Doom. The little guy did his best to rally, but
the raw power of Jack Wagon was just too much. Judy tried to leap in
and break up the pin, but he was too late.
Your
Winner and STILL DCW Curtain-Jerker Champion – Jack Wagon
Side
Note: A little DCW history lesson – Jack Wagon defeated Muffin Top
in the opener last year, as well. Will Muffin Top get his revenge in
2013!?! Tune in next year and find out!
Now
it’s time for a one-on-one match. Two DCW alumni – Shastaphonic
and Peter Pumpkin Balls will hook it up in a battle of big men. By
which I mean fat guys. As a matter of fact, the crowd was chanting,
“Let’s go fat guy! *clap-clap-clap,clap,clap*” and both guys
were confused as to who we were encouraging. I believe I started that
chant, by the way. Actually, I’m quite proud of the number of
chants I got going this year. I didn’t have any miserable failures
like last year’s attempted “Pay your taxes!”
Also
worth mentioning is the “European Uppercut!” chant that just kept
happening all night. I didn’t find it funny, but the people doing
it sure did. It didn’t bug me or anything, but it was just one of
those things where I was like, “Do I somehow not get how funny this
is?” I dunno.
I’m
not gonna lie, you guys – this match got us fired up pretty good.
Shasta and Peter both fought their big, jiggly asses off. Plus,
Shastaphonic was sporting some Alabama gear and we have a
lot of
Auburn Hooligans. We got caught up in this one big time, and then
HOLY
FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!
Yes.
That shit just happened. Peter Pumpkin Balls ascended to the top
turnbuckle and executed one of the most graceful moonsaults I have
ever seen. Granted, his landing shook the pillars of heaven and
caused an older gentleman in the front row to lose control of his
bowels, but it was fucking amazing.
And
then he did it again.
Or
at least, he tried to – Shastaphonic hopped up and managed to hit a
massive powerslam, winning the match. Now, my pictures suggest that
Shastaphonic actually caught Peter Pumpkin Balls in mid-moonsault and
turned it into a powerslam.
I doubt very much that’s what happened,
but I’m going to pretend it is.
Your
Winner – Shastaphonic
After
that match we were joined by Consequences Creed, professional
grappler and long-time fan of the DCW Hooligans. We were also joined
by Nate the Viking, who shows up fucking everywhere
with his horn of mead.
The
next event was a new one for DCW, and I’m quite frankly a little
surprised it hasn’t happened before. Terry the Swede and East
N-Fection entered the ring expected a standard DCW brawl, but DCW
Chairman Buck Gently said fuck that shit! He told them they were
having a
DCW
Chopped Chest murder fest!
The
first man to fifty chest chops wins!
Side
Note: I couldn’t come up with a very good name for Terry the Swede.
I assume he is some sort of Eastern European because none of the
gibberish on his ring gear makes any fucking sense. I’ve looked at
these pictures a hundred times, and as best I can tell his chest says
“Noore” (Swedish for Hesher) and his legs say “Nit 4 Hfre”
(Swedish for Satan Waffle). Screw that – his name is now Satan
Waffle.
Anyway,
Satan Waffle chopped the living fuck out of East N-Fection for a long
time. The ref was counting along, and I honestly think Buck Gently
whispered to him to extend the number to five million chops. That guy
is twisted.
Satan
Waffle kept the advantage for a while, but eventually East N-Fection
turned the tide and returned chops. The only problem was that East
N-Fection had terrible aim. He landed the five million chops in no
time, but only about thirty percent of them were actually landing on
Satan Waffle’s chest. The guy just wouldn’t stay still.
Finally,
East N-Fection wised up and threw Waffle into the corner, tying his
feet up in the top turnbuckle. From there, he raised his upper body
up and chopped and chopped and chopped until Satan Waffle’s nipples
flew out into the crowd and the referee literally started crying and
called for the bell. But East N-Fection WAS NOT DONE. He then tied
his opponent to a chair in the middle of the ring and fed the man his
own nipples. Sick.
Your
Winner – East N-Fection
Next
up was a Three-Way Triple Threat Dance of DOOM featuring Assworth
versus Juicy Dan versus Queaf-O. No sooner had the three men made
their entrances than some guy dressed as the Red Power Ranger came
running out of the back. He made a beeline for Honorary DCW Hooligan
Consequences Creed, who was celebrating his birthday that weekend.
The guy stopped in front of Creed and started singing “Happy
Birthday”. Clearly he was one of those birthday party for-hire
guys. Recognizing the potential for a costly copyright situation, DCW
Chairman Buck Gently sent Bob Zombie out to eat the Red Ranger before
he could get too far.
No
sooner had Bob Zombie clubbered Red Ranger than Mortal Kombat’s
Scorpion (shouldn’t that be “Skorpion”?) ran out of the back.
You could hear Buck Gently cursing about the conspiracy to get DCW
sued for copyright infringement. Clearly he had no choice but to turn
this into a
DCW
SEXTET SLAUGHTERAMA
OF
DOOM
It
was fucking crazy. Bob Zombie’s opening move was to eat Juicy Dan’s
brains.
Lots
of shit happened during this match, a lot of it consisted of Queaf-O
being an utter douche. I would say he was probably the biggest heel
of the night. Red Ranger had just come from little Robbie Brown’s
eighth birthday party and was in no way prepared for a wrestling
match.
Skorpion and Assworth just kept beating the fuck out of the
guy.
But
then Bob Zombie got involved. Queaf-O had seen Juicy Dan become a
brainless, useless lump after Bob Zombie’s assault and did not want
the same for himself, so he begged off. Unfortunately for him, he
backed right into Red Ranger, who despite being a birthday party
performer and not a wrestler has seen more than his fair share of
Shotgun Saturday Nights. He picked up Queaf-O and delivered a
devastating piledriver, winning the match completely by accident.
Your
Winner – Red Ranger(!)
This
enraged everybody else, even the DCW Front Office. Rufus Toadbiscuit
came stomping out of the back in his awful hat and told Skorpion to
take care of this unwanted interloper. Except what he said sounded
more like, “Get ‘im!”
Queaf-O
decided to hit on some of the Hooligan ladies after the match. Now,
our women can take care of themselves, so none of us interfered. Just
check out the look on that tanned goon’s face as Inara suggests his
posterior probably has a two-fist capacity:
It
was around this time that Evil was getting pretty ridiculous. He had
replaced most of his bodily fluids with whiskey at this point and
quite literally could not stay in his seat. Of course, it didn’t
help that we had eighteen people sitting in a row of ten chairs. I
was continually having to kick Evil out of my line of sight and our
sole Dragon*Con security guy (who was quite frankly very
cool all night) turned into four before DCW was over.
There was a
mobile wall of dudes constantly moving in front of Evil.
And
then it was time for a couple of DCW alumni to hook it up. The next
match was Lou Jersey versus Sad Cowboy. This was one of those matches
where you kind of have to go against the grain. I usually try and
give the wrestlers the responses I know I am supposed to. For the
most part I boo the heels and cheer the faces, no matter how much I
might actually like or dislike somebody. Well, that’s not entirely
true. If I don’t like a babyface I usually just stay quiet.
But
I deep down inside really like Lou Jersey and perhaps not quite so
deep inside really hate Sad Cowboy. This match was difficult for me.
I booed the shit out of Lou Jersey when appropriate, but I was also
cheering for him.
The action was fast and solid – a vast
improvement over Sad Cowboy’s 2011 outing, which mostly involved
him doing more moping than Henry Cavill in the Man
of Steel
trailer. I was getting into this shit despite myself.
Then
Evil stole Lou Jersey’s signature can of man scent – Jersey Whore
– and I do believe that was the first time the security guards
threatened to take his badge. The DCW fans loved it, though.
I
was too busy monitoring Evil to catch the end of the match, but
tragically,
Your
Winner – Sad Cowboy
Dollar
William & Arsenic Hall w/ Stephanie McLayin & Bloated Bobby
Auschwitz
Vs.
THE
LEGION OF GLOOOOOOOM!
For
the DCW Tag Team Dragon Cup Championship
Holy
fucking shit, DCW just got real.
Last
year the big tag match was amazing but a fucking disaster. I’m not
going to get into it now because it doesn’t make any fucking sense,
especially since Old Jack for some reason isn’t here to defend his
Dragon Cup, which for some reason the Legion of Gloom now has. But
fuck it.
Let’s
All Wrestling!
First,
I’d like to apologize to the LOG for not doing any of the
appropriate chants for them – “L-O-G, L-O-G!” or “What a
rush, what a rush!” or anything. I didn’t even call the Doomsday
Device when they hit it. I honestly don’t know if I was too drunk
or too concerned about whether or not Evil was going to try and eat
somebody, but I totally failed on that one. And it sucks, because the
Legion is awesome.
Look
– Stephanie McLayin knows it. Check that picture out. She is
clearly offering to hold 4 Font’s dick during the match. Sadly,
Fairuza was too busy looking at the idiots in the front row to see
it.
The
action spilled out of the ring quick, because this is DCW, not some
pussy shit with backstage skits and YouTube sitcoms. Fairuza faced
off against Arsenic Hall and Dollar William was whooping the piss out
of 4 Font. This was actually kind of tragic, as those two were tag
partners not so long ago.
Eventually
the ref got the action back in the ring and Team Bad Guys had Fairuza
in dire straits. It was classic Face In Peril action, with 4 Font
practically screaming to get in the match and Hot Topic literally
screaming beside the ring.
Finally
Fairuza was able to get the Hot Tag and 4 Font UNLEASHED HELL.
I
managed to get a bunch of incredibly shitty pictures of all the
action in this match:
But
I also got two absolutely perfect ones (by my standards). 4 Font hit
an amazing flip over the ropes:
And
then the Legion hit the Doomsday Device on Dollar William:
I
was too busy going nuts over the Doomsday Device to get a picture of
what happened after that, but whatever it was, it wasn’t good.
Because my next shot is this:
Your
Winners – Dollar William & Arsenic Hall
Sweet
Stevie Sassafras
Vs.
Mickey
Rourke
For
the DCW
Dragon
Cup Championship
Sweet
Stevie competed last year as Pizza! Pizza! And had about as much
impact as a fart in the wind. I have no idea how he got to be in
contention for the Dragon Cup against Mickey Rourke this year, but it
must have involved kneepads and a… Fuck it. I’m pretty sure he
must have blown Buck Gently.
And
lo, an angel descended once again from the heavens.
That
angel was familiar to the DCW faithful.
He
is a warrior scarred from many battles.
He
is a savior come to deliver us from evil (not Evil).
He
has clearly been spending the last 357 days enjoying Big Macs and he
is dressed as Kraven the Hunter.
He
is…
Mickey
Rourke
Ladies
and Gentlemen, I am absolutely ecstatic to tell you that this man
came out and identified himself as Mickey Rourke. Holy shit. We did
that. We christened this accomplished and respected wrestler with
that name two years ago. He embraced it then and actually
used it Friday night.
I try not to take too much credit for names or chants or whatever. It
is no lie that the DCW Hooligans are the loudest and most noticed
group of fans in that joint, but there are tons
of other fans in there loving the show too. We may be loud, but we’re
no more important than any of them and certainly not as important as
the wrestlers.
But
I’m claiming that one. We named that man Mickey Rourke and he owned
it.
This
match was going to be a motherfucker.
I have never cheered as much for any wrestler as I have for Mickey
Rourke. Seriously. The last two years at Dragon*Con Mickey Rourke has
been the reason my voice is shot after Friday night. And let me tell
you, boys and girls – Sweet Stevie Sassafras is one heck of a heel.
I am not bullshitting you when I liken this match to Flair versus
Sting. Shit, to the DCW crowd that Friday night this match might as
well have been
Flair vs. Sting.
It
was electric.
Storytelling-wise
this was the best DCW match I have seen. I’m going to see if I can
find some video of it because I just can’t do the drama justice.
Rourke was the stereotypical power babyface and Sweet Stevie was the
perfect slimy heel, cowering and ducking out of the ring and just
hitting all the right notes.
Tragically,
Sweet Stevie’s devious tactics won out.
Your
Winner and New DCW Dragon Cup Champion – Sweet Stevie Sassafras
As
the new Champ slinked out of the DCW Arena to the crashing boos of
the audience, Mickey Rourke ascended the ropes one last time to soak
in the adulation of his loyal Rourkamanaics.
BUT
THIS SHIT AIN’T OVER BY A LONGSHOT, SALLY!
In
case you forgot, we still have to make it through the annual
DCW
CAB FARE BATTLE ROYAL
Where
the winner gets cab fare home and the losers get ambulance rides!
There is no more fucked up and quite frankly disorienting display of
violence and brutality in the world today!
DCW
Chairman Buck Gently hit the ring first to announce he was getting a
little hungry.
Of
course I am kidding. Buck “The Naugahyde Kid” Gently was lacing
up the… um.. Skechers… to compete once again! So bring on those
fuckers from the locker room and bring on the LUCKY FUCKING CHARMS!
This
battle royal was crazy-go-nuts! Hitting the ring were the likes of
Shop Teacher, Slim Jim, the Bane Brothers Stain and Jane, Cupcake
Sting, Queaf-O, Juicy Dan, Vin Weasel, Skorpion, Dollar William, Jack
Wagon, Swizzle Dick, and
HOLY
SHIT BUCK GENTLY JUST MURDERED SWIZZLE DICK!!!!! MURDERED!!!!!
And Red Ranger is back! But
before he could make it to Consequences Creed to finish his birthday
tune, Skorpion grabbed him and piledrivered his silly ass into a
chair. Speaking of chairs, here’s Dollar William, possibly the
smartest man in the room:
I
don’t know if Stain Bane actually hit a backbreaker on Queaf-O, but
I’m going to pretend he did:
And
then Skorpion straight-up broke his neck:
I’d
feel bad for the guy if he wasn’t such a douche.
Your
Winner – Buck Gently
Clearly
the fix is in. That man just paid his own way home.
But
that’s okay, because he then invited the DCW Hooligans into the
ring!
Best.
DCW. Ever.
I
mean, we’ve been in the ring before, but I felt like these guys
really knew us this year. I suppose the matching purple shirts
helped.
Hey
kids! I’ve never done this before, but here’s a super-secret DCW
Decoder Key! Just highlight the area to find out the DCW wrestlers’
secret
identities!
Muffin
Top = “Do or Die” Chip Motherfucking Day
4
Font = “The Human Hand Grenade” dany only
Fairuza
= “The Lethal Dose” Stryknyn (who I still say looks like Fairuza
Balk)
Jack
Wagon = Bo Newsom
Assworth
= Jacob Ashworth
Dollar
William = Andrew Pendleton III
Hot
Topic = Reverend Dan Wilson
Legion
of Gloom = Hate Junkies
Lou
Jersey = “The Temptation” Shaun Tempers
Bloated
Bobby Auschwitz = Mr. Jeff G. Bailey
Stephanie
McLayin’ = Rachael Freeman
Arsenic
Hall = Murder One
Sweet
Stevie Sassafras = Seth DeLay
Mickey
Rourke = Brodie Chase
Slim
Jim = Slim J (yes, this is clearly the least creative name I have
ever come up with. I usually just refer to him by his regular name
because he is just that good, but now that I’ve seen so many of
these guys outside of DCW I realize that goes for a lot of them. So
everybody gets dumb names now)
Peter
Pumpkin Balls = Okay, I know his name is Eric Jones because his pants
say it, but I am not familiar with him. Not to be confused with “Mr.
Eric” Eric Jones. Not that I see how that’s possible.
Skorpion
= ???
Shastaphonic
= ???
Judy
= ???
Queaf-O
= ???
Sad
Cowboy = ???
Shop
Teacher = ???
Cupcake
Sting = ???
Stain
Bane = ???
Jane
Bane = ???
Bob
Zombie = ???
Swizzle
Dick = ???
Buck
Gently = ???
Rufus
Toadbiscuit = ???
Earl
T. Stubing, Jr. = ???
I
just wanted to do this because these guys bust ass and do deserve
some credit for entertaining the drooling humanoid masses. Apologies
to anybody with “???”. Let me know who they are and I’ll
correct it.
I
don’t normally do this either, but I want to be totally serious and
thank every single one of the wrestlers, as well as the guys that put
DCW together every year. You make our weekend. There’s no other
wrestling event all year long – televised, indie or PPV – that
means even half as much. You crazy motherfuckers are the Kings of
Dragon*Con.
I
also want to mention one guy in particular. I’m not saying names,
as I don’t know for sure how real or serious or whatever anything
is. I’m no smark. But Friday night may have been the last time we
get to see one of these guys for quite awhile. It really doesn’t
matter what the reason is or how legit it is, whatever the case he’s
not going to be around for a while and this competitor is going to be
sorely missed. For my money he’s one of the best in the business
right now and a reason I look forward to indie wrestling when I can
see it. The guy kicked ass Friday night just like he does every
night. He came out after the show, shook my hand and thanked me for
coming and I appreciate the fuck out of that.
No
sir – thank you. Now get your ass to Mars. And get back sooner than
later.
Check out my album on Facebook for TONS more pictures.
Come
back tomorrow for more Dragon*Con nonsense.
-Phantom
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