In
an absolutely amazing turn of events it has been less than a month
since my last visit to the PCW Arena. I’d like to get out there
more. I’d also really like to make it to one of the Porterdale
shows, as that venue looks really cool, but I’m not sure that’s
likely to happen.
There
is one important news item to cover before I start the recap proper:
“Human
Hand Grenade” Dany Only has been banished from Empire Wrestling.
Jagged
Edge has proved himself to be The
Dominant Force in Empire Wrestling by beating one of the very best
the company had to offer. I found out about the situation from the
Human Hand Grenade himself last week. I was asking him about doing a
Q&A for my upcoming week-long feature on Dragon*Con Wrestling and
told him I was planning on being at PCW Friday.
He
said, “I won’t be there,” and sent me a link to the above
video.
I
really hate to see Only go. He has – like every other PCW wrestler
– done nothing but get better ever since I became a fan of the
company almost two years ago. The man is consistently a good match
and almost always a focus of storylines.
However
– this does create an opportunity for somebody. As I just
mentioned, every single wrestler on the roster seems to do what
Only’s t-shirt suggests – “Get Better Or Get Out”. I can’t
think of a single PCW wrestler who hasn’t improved – and markedly
– since the first time I saw them. And now one of those men can
step up and take Only’s place. Every single man in Empire Wrestling
needs to recognize that there is a big spot wide open and ready to be
taken. But it is going to have to be taken. And if last Friday’s
show is any indication, there are already some wolves circling.
Johnny
Danger
Vs.
Eric
Walker
Walker
started off by telling Danger his recent wins meant nothing. Walker
did not, however, comment on what his own recent losses meant. Danger
responded by breathing atomic fire all over Walker for a good five
minutes. After a series of clotheslines Danger hit one final big one
to knock Walker from the ring. Then, rather than getting the recovery
time he expected, Walker found himself still under attack by the
atomically charged Danger.
Once
the pair got back in the ring, Walker took the advantage. He ran
through a series of moves ranging from questionable to downright
dirty, then whipped Danger into the corner to go for a big move.
Then, just as Walker approached the smaller man at full speed, Danger
threw a foot up and caught him square in the jaw.
A
series of clotheslines and a couple of big moves followed and 1-2-3…
YOUR
WINNER – Johnny… DANGAAAAAAAAAAA!
As
Johnny Danger soaked up the well-deserved adulation of the crowd, a
recovered Eric Walker crawled up behind him and delivered that most
dreaded of moves from the heel arsenal – the Low Blow!
Danger
went down like a ton of bricks, clutching the Danger Balls and
howling in pain. Meanwhile, the dastardly Walker reached up into the
rafters of the PCW Arena and brought forth an International Object –
the dreaded Singapore Cane!
But
before Walker could deliver a single blow to the downed and
defenseless Danger, De La Vega hit the ring and made the save. He
proceeded to whoop the piss out of Eric Walker in a most satisfying
manner. Just as Vega was really firing up, the Empire team of Sylar
Cross and Master Jae emerged from the locker room, seemingly to make
the save for Walker. But after a moment of hesitation they decided
the formerly Dynamite One wasn’t worth the effort and left Walker
to his fate.
Vega
helped his fellow Surrealist to his feet and claimed that he was sick
of Empire and their collective douchbaggery. From now on, anybody in
PCW that finds themselves under attack by Empire can count on De La
Vega to have their backs.
Trey
Williams
Vs.
Marvelous
Marko Polo w/ Quasi Mandisco & Pump Yo’ Brakes
Allow
me to comment on the weird phenomenon that is “Pump Yo’ Brakes”.
First
of all, that is a name. As Angry Matt pointed out, it shouldn’t
be a name, but it is. That guy’s name is “Pump Yo’ Brakes”.
It’s just awful. Which is what makes it a great
name. This guy is a heel the second he’s announced simply by virtue
of his name being so fucking ridiculous. I’m not quite ready to
call it the best heel name ever, but damn – it’s got to be close.
I suppose Dwight Power is still the winner.
So
anyway, Pump Yo’ Brakes is a member of the Crown Jewels alongside
Marvelous Marko Polo and Mr. White Jeans Quasi Mandisco. More on PYB
later. For now, we’ve got another high octane match featuring one
half of the Washington Bullets and the… um… Crown Jewel of the
Crown Jewels.
As
usual, Polo started the match off by being a big pussy. He hung out
in his corner and ducked under the top rope and posed a lot while
Mandisco and PYB looked on adoringly.
The
younger Bullet finally managed to hook it up with the Marvelous One
and the shit was on like Donkey Kong. This match was much more
balanced than the opener, with both men gaining and losing the
advantage. Trey Williams would be hot fire for a few moves, but then
Polo would pick his spot and gain the advantage.
Things
really took a bad turn for Williams when Polo dumped him on the
outside. It was funny because he landed right on top of Quasi
Mandisco, but not so funny because Pump Yo’ Brakes stepped in and
laid a beatdown on Trey while Marko Polo distracted the ref. The
Marvelous One stayed in control for a good while after that, until
Williams rallied with a series of clotheslines and a sharp super
kick.
As
soon as Polo was down, Trey leapt over to the corner and grabbed a
handful of Mandisco’s blouse (because I cannot call that thing a
shirt) and made an attempt to wreak some vengeance on the Crown
Jewels’ pusillanimous patrician. Naturally the Marvelous One
recovered and took advantage, giving him the win.
YOUR
WINNER – Marvelous Marko Polo
As
the Crown Jewels celebrated their victory, John Williams hit the ring
to check on his brother.
Tommy
Daniels
Vs.
De
La Vega
This
was a quick but very good match. Daniels sulked out to the ring like
he normally does, and De La Vega danced out, his earlier seriousness
put on hold for the time being. Once the bell rang, it was on.
Vega
hit a series of arm drags while Daniels tried to hit his heavy
offensive moves. The smaller man’s quickness served him well for a
time, but once Daniels got a hold of him it was all over. After a
beautiful Fisherman’s Suplex, Tommy went for the pin and got it.
YOUR
WINNER – Tommy Daniels
Tommy
Daniels is a bad little motherfucker. I’m not sure I’ve heard him
talk a whole lot, but I could see him doing really well with a
manager.
Devlin
Valek
Vs.
Supernatural
I
still like the way Valek sticks to his gimmick. Same goes for
Supernatural.
Before
the match, Supernatural played at being intimidated by Valek, biting
his nails through his mask. Funny stuff. Once the match started both
men got serious, though. Supernatural hit a series of quick moves,
but was grounded for a bit when Valek hit a backbreaker, followed by
a couple of moves meant to wear the smaller man down.
Side
note: I want to call these submission moves:
But
they’re not, really. Valek wasn’t looking to make Supernatural
tap out at this point, he was just trying to weaken his opponent. I
think my hazy, old brain used to know the term for this, but I can’t
remember right now. I don’t want to say, “Rest Hold” because
that seems insulting. These guys were most certainly not resting.
Supernatural
got back into things and both men got whipped into corners. The tiny
luchador lost his advantage when Valek hit him with a running boot to
the face. He recovered, though, and tried to hit the King Diamond
lookalike with a bulldog. Valek countered and pulled Supernatural
into a Gory Bomb position, then converted it into a true submission
hold. Supernatural escaped and fled to the corner, where a top rope
standoff resulted in Valek hitting the mat flat on his back.
Supernatural then jumped feet first down to the mat. Unfortunately
for Valek, he was in the way and received an abdomen full of Lucha
feet.
Just
as Supernatural was about to crawl over and pin Valek, another masked
warrior appeared out of the locker room accompanied by none other
than that villainous fink, Screamin’ Marty Freeman. I will give
Freeman credit for wearing a suit that didn’t make me want to vomit
my eyeballs out this week, but he is still a heinous stain on the
world of professional wrestling.
This
new masked menace hit the ring and attacked both Valek and
Supernatural. Once the ring was cleared, Freeman minced his way
inside and introduced his new charge – Asesino something-or-other.
He was pretty fancy-looking aside from some admittedly tough guy
tattoos. The Empire manager went on to say that Empire Wrestling
seemed to be chock full of freaks and masked misfits and that Asesino
was there to eliminate them.
Um…
isn’t your guy wearing a mask?
I
guess the idea is fighting fire with fire, but the whole thing came
off kind of weird, especially since Supernatural and Valek just kind
of wandered off afterwards, clearly not overly inconvenienced by
Asesino. Valek did look really sad, though.
YOUR
WINNERS – Screamin’ Marty Freeman?
But
wait! We’re not done yet! Grotesque came shambling out of the
locker room, being just barely restrained by Calm Like A Bomb
Pandora! Pandora opined that Freeman’s new little boy toy wasn’t
long for the world of Empire Wrestling and that Grotesque had a
hankerin’ to beat down a masked heel.
They
set a date for a match between Asesino and Grotesque. I can’t
remember if it’s this week or three weeks from last Friday. There
were two matches booked that night and this was one or the other of
those. We’ll get to the other match in a minute.
Najasism
Vs.
Brandon
Cage
Najasism
is one of my Dragon*Con Wrestling favorites and Brandon Cage is
really growing on me. He’s just such a fiery butterball of
babyface-ness.
The
match was short and sweet. Cage got his share of offense in, but just
couldn’t match Naja’s speed and newfound viciousness.
YOUR
WINNER – Najasism
After
the match it was Extended Asshole Promo time.
Naja
got on the mic and said it was about time he got a fair shake in a
match. You see, referee Duke Corey has counted a few pinfalls against
the painted warrior lately and Najasism has decided that Corey has it
in for him. So he called the Undefeated Duke Corey out to the ring
for a little confrontation and intimidation.
To
his credit, Corey came out and didn’t take any of Naja’s shit. He
stood his ground in the face of the smaller man’s irrational rage.
Finally, the inevitable happened and the referee found himself
challenged to a match. Sigh. I hate
angles involving officials. Unless the end result is Corey becoming a
full-time grappler I just do not care. I’d just as soon see Jim
Ross give birth to a shoe.
De
La Vega came out to do his best to save the segment, but ended up
volunteering to train Corey. Najasism and the Undefeated Duke Corey
will hook it up in three weeks’ time. Great.
Oops
– they actually scheduled three matches Friday night. One more to
come.
Chip
Motherfucking Day
Vs.
Hayden
Young
Chip
Day limped out to the ring, immediately creating concern amongst his
loyal fan base. He made his way into the ring and grabbed a mic,
saying he was there to fight that evil dickwad Hayden Young, injured
knee or no. Chip proclaimed that his nickname wasn’t “Do or Maybe
Do Sometime Later On,” it was “Do or Die”, and he was by God
gonna Do! Everybody recognized Chip’s toughness and testicular
fortitude and cheered loudly.
Young’s
music hit. Nothing happened. I poked Angry Matt and told him Young
was probably going to come out of the far curtain and attack Chip
from behind, but Chip kept moving and making that seem unlikely.
Young’s music started over, then cut out. The n Empire’s music
kicked in and Screamin’ Marty Freeman came out to louse the joint
up.
Freeman
said that he had just been talking to his close, personal friend
Hayden Young and that Hayden was holding out for a big match with
Chip Day at the Biggest Event of the Year – Dragon*Con Wrestling!
Just kidding – Young wants a match with Chip at Sacred Ground 3 on
September 29th
in Porterdale, GA. So tonight Freeman has another opponent for Day;
at which point the Empire goon immediately launched into the
long-winded introduction that precedes the entrance of
The
Jagged Edge.
Shit.
Chip Day is a tough son of a gun and truly lived up to his “Do or
Die” nickname, but Jagged Edge is a motherfucker. Who just put Dany
Only out to pasture. Not to mention Day’s bum left knee.
Just
as Jagged Edge hit the ring and looked like he was about to eat Day
for dinner, the opening chords of (DamNation’s music) hit and Fred
Yehi appeared with Pandora in tow. Oh, shit.
It is on
now.
Yehi
cut a passionate promo about Jagged Edge putting Only out and said
that if Empire was going to switch matches up than DamNation was sure
as heck going to as well. Yehi proclaimed he was going to be the one
fighting Jagged Edge. Then Chip Day just kind of dipped out of there.
I
had kind of a problem with this transition. Day had just cut this
promo about being all Do or Die, but then he just lets Yehi take his
match. I mean, I understand that Jagged Edge wasn’t
Chip’s match, but it kind of felt like he just laid down after
cutting that great promo. I think maybe just a few words from Chip –
telling Yehi he owed him one or something – would have fixed this.
Or maybe there’s another story at work that I’m not aware of.
Either way I didn’t feel like this scenario made Chip look good.
But
then we got
Jagged
Edge w/ Screamin’ Marty Freeman
Vs.
Fred
Yehi w/Pandora
This
match.
Man.
This
match was fucking killer.
Yehi
was an animal right out of the gate, assaulting Jagged Edge like he
caught him cheating at Monopoly. I’ve never seen Empire’s MVP on
the defensive for so long. It was like watching a baby tiger get
batted around by a lion. Yehi hit clotheslines, corner elbows, and a
brutal series of knees to the face on Jagged Edge before things got
too volatile and spilled out of the ring. The brawling pair threw
each other around in the limited space around the PCW ring, tearing
the mic right out of the ring announcer’s hands. Marty Freeman had
the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time and got
shoved right off the seating platform and through the side curtain by
Yehi.
Jagged
Edge finally gained the advantage and threw Yehi back in the ring,
but the ass-whooping he had just taken had clearly taken a toll. The
big man just wasn’t as crisp and quick as he normally is. But a
combination of strength and deviousness allowed him to keep Yehi down
for a time. He threw the DamNation member in the corner for a choke,
hit a big powerslam, and set to work on his trademark vicious
shoulder clamp. Yehi simply could not regain the ground he lost
outside the ring.
The
assault continued until Yehi got whipped into a corner and landed on
the outside apron. Jagged Edge went to follow up, but Yehi hit him
with a quick stunner.
I
think this is where Yehi slapped Screamin’ Marty Freeman in a way
that was so satisfying as to be almost orgasmic. Freeman stuck his
pointy, little head just a wee bit too close to the ring and Yehi –
quick as lightning – reached out and just slapped the ever-loving
fuck out of him. It sounded like a whip cracking. I bet Mrs. Freeman
didn’t get any sugar last Friday night.
Jagged
Edge pulled Yehi back to the center of the ring and set up for a big
move, but Yehi countered and pulled the bigger man down into the Koji
Clutch. Holy fucking shit – it really looked like Jagged Edge was
going to tap and lose his first match.
But
he managed to work his way out of the hole and then… just left.
The
undefeated, undefeatable monster just walked away because he was
getting his ass beat. This was a huge
moment – not only for Fred Yehi, but for Jagged Edge as well. I am
so glad I was there to see not only that outstanding, five-star
match; but the ensuing aftermath as well.
YOUR
WINNER – Fred Yehi by count-out
But
then Screamin’ Marty Freeman returned to state that the match had
been unscheduled and unsanctioned and therefore did not count against
Jagged Edge’s clean record.
What
a butthole.
Fred
Yehi did not receive this news with grace.
Next
up:
Platinum
Royal
Sylar
Cross vs Nina Monet vs Mr. Eric vs Brian Blaze vs Master Jae vs
John Williams vs Pandora vs Pump Yo’ Brakes
I
am running up against a deadline here, so I’m gonna make this one
short and sweet.
In
a Platinum Royal, once all but one competitor have been eliminated
the person that eliminated the most people returns to face the last
person standing in a straight singles match.
This
was a very good Platinum Royal (and not all of them are). Some key
moments:
-Nina
and Mr. Eric teamed up on Pandora
-Jon
Williams looked great
-PYB
also (sigh) looked great
-Master
Jae and Sylar Cross whooped the shit out of each other, got
eliminated at the same time by John Williams, then continued to whoop
the shit out of each other
-Jon
Williams eliminated Brian Blaze with a sick
super kick over the top rope
-The
final pairing was Jon Williams and PYB. They had a brief but totally
kickass singles match that ended with the rest of the Crown Jewels
pulling shenanigans and helping the idiotically named Pump Yo’
Brakes get the win. This means a man whose name is a phrase has a
shot at a title in the future. Seriously, you guys – “Pump Yo’
Brakes” is even dumber than “The Rock”.
Oh,
I also need to give a shout-out to new ring gear – Sylar Cross and
the Washington Bullets were sporting some great-looking new gear.
And
with that ladies and gentlemen,
Your
Platinum Championship Wrestling Main Event!
Jacob
Ashworth w/ Miss Rachael
Vs.
Demigod
Mason
For
the PCW Championship
This
match was in the unenviable position of having to follow one of the
best nights of wrestling I have seen in a very long time. Especially
when you throw in the Yehi/Jagged Edge match, which is probably the
best match I have seen this year.
Mason
is a consistently entertaining competitor and a great champ, while
Ashworth is just a big, technical monster. I knew we were going to
get a solid match, but I wasn’t sure it would feel like a proper
Main Event after what had gone before.
But
it so did. Mason’s title defense against Ashworth succeeded in that
it felt Big Time. And it wasn’t the fact that the Championship was
on the line, it was that the two men in the match just had a certain
amount of gravitas. Even the most brutal of the earlier matches had a
certain amount of fun and entertainment to them. But Ashworth and
Mason had an air of two men who were not fucking around. You could
feel what was at stake. I can’t quite explain how
those two projected that atmosphere, but Friday Night’s Main Event
was definitely Serious Fucking Business.
Mason
hooked Ashworth into a mean-looking guillotine early on and it almost
looked like things might be over. But Ashworth got out and proceeded
to go to work on Mason’s arm – a theme he would continue for the
rest of the match. It was a smart strategy because once Mason had the
opportunity to clamp on his signature chokehold, he didn’t have the
strength in that arm to hold it.
Ashworth
instantly saw his opening and unleashed a barrage of brutality on
Mason. Here:
And
as if Ashworth’s beatdown wasn’t enough, once Mason got thrown
into the corner the piece of eye candy that Satan dropped on the
ground - Miss Rachel - grabbed his head for a choke on the rope.
Mason
whipped out a few quick moves, visibly throwing Ashworth off his
game. After he regained the advantage briefly, the challenger went
for a full nelson bomb, but Mason slipped out and locked in (his
chokehold). A few more moves occurred that I was too caught up in the
match to capture, but finally Mason hit a (whatever) on Ashworth and
scored the pin!
YOUR
WINNER and still PCW CHAMPION – Demigod Mason
Naturally
the Crown Jewels came out at this point. Pump Yo’ Brakes said he
was going to challenge Mason for the title next week (I think).
Saints preserve us.
Every
single person on the card Friday night should be damned proud of
themselves. They put on a better, more cohesive, entertaining show
than any televised wrestling promotion has this year. I guess the
booker should maybe get a little credit, too. Maybe.
I
also want to call out Marko Polo and De La Vega. They came out enough
times during the night that I could have gotten sick of them and I
didn’t. I was interested to see what they were going to do every
time. That speaks volumes.
Phantomaniacs
– if you get the opportunity to see Empire/Platinum Championship
Wrestling, you absolutely must
go. I personally guarantee you will be entertained.
Check out my Facebook page for all of the pictures. They were surprisingly decent this time.
-Phantom
No comments:
Post a Comment