Platinum Championship... Er... Empire Wrestling 7/13/2012

Side Note: Oh, damn am I pissed. I was all set to start writing up yet another scintillating recap of PCW action. Typically what I do is pull up my pictures and do my best to make them slightly less shitty. I’ll have 150-200 pictures of any given wrestling night and I’ll go through and crop or adjust brightness or whatever. So I did my thing with the pictures, saved them, and then pulled the folder back up to get started writing, only to discover that for some reason about fifty of the pictures were blank, white pages.

What. The. Fuck.
Also, all of these pictures are dark. Really dark. It's not totally my fault. The high-quality house lights in the PCW Arena were really fucking up my shit. You'll notice them in most pictures.

            Now, I wasn’t even drinking Friday night because I’m on my crazy, pre-Dragon *Con diet; but I still don’t have the best recall in the world. I need visual references to provide the kind of witty, insightful recaps all of the loyal Phantomaniacs have come to know and love. Ahem.

But I’m gonna do what I can because I’m really in the mood to write this thing now and I don’t want to put it off until tomorrow when I can reload the originals back onto my flash drive.

It’s been far too long since I have witnessed the non-stop action and drama that is a live Empire Wrestling show. I already wanted to try and attend the 7/13 show at the PCW Arena, but threats of physical violence from a certain Empire member convinced me I had better gather up the Hooligans and get my ass to Avondale. So to speak.

I put the call out and Rescue John, Little Pond, the Grand Hoff, and Gnoll responded. We were able to get a sitter, so Mrs. Troublemaker came along as well.

Eric Walker

Vs.

Supernatural

Eric Walker was out first sporting the same Walmart hoodie we bought for Lil’ Troublemaker two years ago at Halloween. I don’t know if Walker’s soul is still Dynamite or not, but he has definitely improved in the ring. Supernatural, for his part, is tiny and crazy.

The match was fast-paced and exciting – a good opener. Neither man really held the advantage for any sustainable amount of time, but both got to hit some cool spots. Supernatural hit the sort of quick, flippy offense you might expect. Walker actually pulled out a corner senton (I guess), which looked brutal on the smaller man and surprised the heck out of me.

But Walker’s efforts were to no avail, as Supernatural is totally nuts. The luchador got the formerly Dynamite one all wrapped up in the corner at one point and set him up for what I am going to assume is called the Murdalizer. I’ll do my best to explain:

Walker had his back to the corner with his feet hooked over the middle ropes. Supernatural was standing on the top turnbuckle holding Walker’s arms back. We all saw where this was going and we all sort of went, “Ummmm…” and then Supernatural did what we knew he was going to do and stepped off of the turnbuckle onto Walker’s back, making this happen:

Everybody went, “AAAAAAAAHHHHH!”

The tiny warrior pinned Walker and got the win.

YOUR WINNER – Supernatural

After the match Walker just sort of laid there for a minute, trying to figure out where his spine was.

Tommy Daniels

Vs.

Chip Motherfucking Day

Vs.

Brandon Kage

Vs.

Marvelous Marko Polo w/ Quasi Mandisco

Daniels and The Marvelous One teamed up early and threw Day out of the ring.

They then beat the ever-loving piss out of Kage for a very long time. Brandon Kage is one of the bravest wrestlers I have seen in PCW. Partially because he took an extended ass-whipping from the Magic Mangina and Tommy “Who’s That Guy Again?” Daniels, but mostly because he took his shirt off and man, that guy should not take his shirt off. First off, he was so pale as to be nearly translucent. Second, he has clearly never met a donut he didn’t like. Having said all of that, the guy can take some punishment and he can go. And I’ll always take go before show if I have to make the choice. Once Brandon did get to pull off some moves they were solid and mean. And jiggly.

And he did eventually get to pull off some moves because after several foiled attempts to get back in the ring, Day finally managed to make his way to the far top turnbuckle and deliver a sweet double dropkick to the heels. 

After delivering a beat down to Polo and Daniels, Day ran into a recovered Brandon and the two tied it up for a minute before Brandon caught Day and delivered a nice backbreaker.

But this allowed Daniels to nail Brandon and Polo to nail Daniels and cover Brandon for the pin.

YOUR WINNER – Marvelous Marko Polo

After the match, Marko Polo paused to soak up the adulation of absolutely nobody. Well, that’s not true. Mandisco got on the mic and sang his praises, but he was wearing white jeans so nobody was taking him very seriously.

Najasism

Vs.

De La Vega

The announcers did a good job of putting over the fact that the guys are buddies, which is good because I’m not sure I knew that. Actually, I haven’t mentioned the announce team yet because I have no idea who they were; but they were doing a bang-up job.

The match started off as one of those friendly one-upsmanship type of deals. Both guys were getting in some moves and the pace was steady and solid. No wasted time. Good stuff.

But then Naja seemed to get a little frustrated and started to get a little stiffer and a little more intense. He still couldn’t quite get the advantage over the wiry, wily De La Vega and finally resorted to questionable tactics:

After that it was on. Both men got serious and Naja kept going to the bag of dirty tricks, upsetting the crowd and ticking off Vega. Once Naja turned up the dick-o-meter he maintained control and even made a show of having the advantage. Eventually, of course, this backfired on him and Vega turned things around. He hit a dropkick and a flurry of moves, but Naja once again used mild shenanigans – nothing illegal, just questionable – to take the momentum back.

Once Vega was sufficiently weakened, Naja put him up on his shoulders and in the process of hitting his finish knocked the ref down. Just like any other pro wrestling official, the undefeated Duke Korey is especially prone to blackouts. As brief and gentle a stimuli as a sharp breeze can render even the heartiest referee unconscious for great lengths of time. Kind of like those goats.

So anyway, the ref is down and Naja clearly got the 1-2-3. Once he realized nobody was counting he did the ol’ “Go yell at the ref” bit and De La Vega did the ol’ “Take advantage of the guy who’s distracted yelling at the ref” bit and got the win.

YOUR WINNER – De La Vega

After the match Najasism slapped Duke Korey around like he caught him trying on his Gramma’s sundress. Korey was so shaken by the whole thing that Stephen Platinum had to emerge from the backstage area to give him a little pep talk and a hug.

Sylar Cross & Master Jae w/ Jonathan Malick & Big Masked Guy of Empire

Vs.

Brian Blaze & Geter of We Are 3

This was interesting, as We Are 3 can play as heels or faces depending on who they’re fighting. Cross and Jae are heels. Always.

Actually, I have come to appreciate this specimen of pro wrestling known as Sylar Cross, as he seems to have developed into quite an interesting character over the past several months.

Case in point: last Friday night he was the first example I think I’ve ever seen of a Heel In Peril (probably not, but it’s been so long that I can’t remember seeing it before. Either way Cross was very good at it). Blaze and Geter whooped his ass for a very long time:

And it was entertaining as hell.
But finally Cross was able to make the Hot(?) Tag to Master Jae, who came in and took control. He got Blaze down and did just a little bit of offense before We Are 3 once again dominated and got the win.

YOUR WINNERS – We Are 3

This is a picture of We Are 3 talking shit to the Empire crew, even though it looks like Geter is pulling Blaze’s left eyeball out of his head:

Side Note: The big, masked guy was named repeatedly, but I can’t remember what his name was. It sounded Latin or something. I keep wanting to say “Areole” but I’m pretty sure that’s not right.

Corey Hollis w/ Jeff G. Bailey & Big Masked Guy of Empire

Vs.

Jon Williams of the Washington Bullets

Oh, Jeff G. Bailey. You unbelievable douchebag.

Gentle readers, Jeff G. Bailey is such a low-down, despicable, no-good, rotten example of the failure of humanity that even that baby in the bottom right corner talked shit to him:

TELL ‘EM, BABY!

As Corey Hollis was walking out, I leaned over to Gnoll and told him that this guy was really good and to pay attention. I had first seen Hollis at one of the Masquerade show when he was subbing in for Zachary Blaine. My first thought was, “Wow – that guy is little.” and I’m not usually one to judge a wrestler by their size. Actually, I have a tendency to think smaller guys are going to be more entertaining. But Hollis just seemed really diminutive, I guess. But he teamed up with Zack Daniels to take on Daisho and gave the nearly unstoppable duo their first truly competitive match (that I had seen). So I was excited to see Hollis work again, especially against the likes of Jon Williams.

Unfortunately, things didn’t go like I wanted.

I really, really hate to keep bagging on Jon Williams’ solo matches, but this match involved a lot of rest holds. I don’t know what the deal was, but after an opening flurry of offense from Hollis, Williams pretty much just sat in the ring and took a series of waistlocks. I wanted very badly to like this match and get caught up in it, but the damn thing just never got off the ground for me. There was some action at the end, but these guys had totally lost me.

I’m not even sure what the finish was, but Corey Hollis won.

YOUR WINNER – Corey Hollis

I will say this – Hollis played the role of the douchey heel to a T, up to and including his exit from the ringside area. After the match, Trey Williams came out to ringside to back his brother while Jeff G. Bailey cut one of his infuriating but admittedly excellent promos on the Bullets. The insufferable windbag pointed out that the Bullets were one loss away from being knocked out of the Empire Tag Team Season and that Empire were going to be the ones to do it. Trey claimed that was a bunch of horseshit, but Jon seemed less certain.

After that post-match segment I have to wonder if Jon’s seeming malaise during the match was part of a bigger picture, but I don’t think a lackluster match was the way to get it across.

Next up: TIME FOR AN AWKWARD AND HILARIOUS PROMO!

After Bailey and his goons cleared the ring, Platinum Championship Wrestling Champion Demigod Mason made his way down.

No sooner had his music stopped than a familiar tune kicked in over the speaker system of the PCW Arena – Empire Champion Shane Marx was on his way to the ring, accompanied by that disreputable minx, Miss Rachael.

Mason immediately kicked into full-on Babyface Promo of White Fire mode and held up his PCW Title Belt. But before the rightful Champ could get a word out, that devious dastard Marx grabbed a mic and started in on what could have been a glorious promo.

Except that somewhere in the middle he must have suddenly remembered that he forgot to set the DVR to record Glee. Or maybe his brain dug up the memory of that time in first grade where he had to go up in front of the class to do a math problem and broke wind explosively. Or maybe he just got distracted by Miss Rachael’s admittedly distracting super-tight tight pants. I dunno, but Marx’s promo came crashing to a halt like Pietro Maximoff running into Cain Marko. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. An awkward silence enveloped the crowd of the PCW Arena as the Empire Champ attempted to regain his composure, only to start stuttering and sputtering like a toothless old man with a mouthful of Huddle House scrambled eggs that were just a bit too runny.

Some inconsiderate jackass yelled, “This is just like that Bobby Roode promo on Impact last Thursday!”

Finally a bit of composure was regained and Marx started over again, but to no avail. He barely got two words out of his mouth before the same jackass yelled, “This is not getting any better!”

At this point Marx was openly smiling and Mason was doing his level best to not burst into laughter. I think I saw a tear creep out of his left eye.

Things ended with Mason trying his damndest to cut a return promo in a serious manner, but there was just no following the impromptu magic that Shane Marx had just bestowed upon us. I will be forever grateful.

Oh, and the gist of the promo was the come Sacred Ground: Chapter 3 on September 29^th in Porterdale, GA; Mason will whoop Marx’s ass. I am currently both bummed out and infuriated because I am working nights that whole weekend and there’s really nothing I can do about it.

Oh, and I also might have been the jackass.

Johnny Danger

Vs.

Hayden Young

The indomitable spirit of Johnny Danger versus the fresh heelishness of Hayden Young. Young is coming off of what was apparently a particularly brutal separation from his former tag partner, Chip Motherfucking Day. I don’t know exactly what happened, but I have heard people talk about it more than once in a, “You should have seen it!” kind of way. I wish I had seen it.

Young tired to start off aggressively, but he has apparently never seen a match featuring former WWE Champion Edge. He charged at Danger – who was near a corner – and ended up crashing into the turnbuckles when Danger moved out of the way. Disoriented from the collision, Young stood up and turned around, spying the Godzilla-emblazoned indie pants of his opponent across the ring. Charging again, he crashed into the opposite turnbuckle as Danger utilized the same evasive maneuver.

Even more discombobulated from the second collision, Young stumbled up and turned once more. He immediately went for Danger, who leapt nimbly out of the path of the enraged grappler. Hayden Young had thrice struck the turnbuckles! He stumbled blindly about and it looked like young Johnny Danger might even be able to put the man away!

And just as Danger approached the larger man, Young snapped off a vicious clothesline, sending the valiant but unlucky kid to the mat.

“You know, suddenly I’m feeling a whole lot better for some reason!” yelled Young as he pranced about the ring, clearly showing that his former ineptitude had been a ploy. He proceeded to beat the ever-loving shit out of Danger, showing off his newly-found heel skills.

I’m not sure the match even had an actual finish, but at one point Young had Danger in an exceedingly painful-looking head vise. Just as it looked like he was about to twist the little guy’s head off, “Do or Die” Chip Motherfucking Day raced out of the locker room to stop the madness. Conscious that Young might severely injure Danger if he got to close, Day climbed a chair in the back of the PCW Arena and delivered a heck of a promo to Young. 

He told him that he was the one Young really wanted to hurt and that Young should man up and fight Day if that’s what he wanted. Young finally conceded that, yes, that is what he wants and threw Danger to the ground as he left the ring. Chip Day and De La Vega attended to a wounded Johnny Danger and escorted him to the locker room to chants of, “Danger! Danger! Danger!”

And with that ladies and gentlemen,

Your Platinum Championship Wrestling Main Event!

Team Empire

JB Cool & Bo Newsome & Jacob Ashworth & Jagged Edge w/ Miss Rachael & Jonathan Malick

Vs.

DamNation

“Human Hand Grenade” Dany Only & Casey Kincaid & Fred Yehi & Grotesque(?)

Tag Team Elimination Match

Two awesome things happened before the match even got started and I didn’t manage to get pictures of either of them.

Gnoll was checking his phone during the entrances. While he was, JB Cool came up behind him and stuck a finger at his phone over his shoulder. Gnoll was understandably startled as JB said, “You put that damn thing away. You look at ME, not that phone.” It was damn hilarious and some excellent heeling by the Miami (I’m guessing) native.

Rescue John’s favorite wrestler is Taz. He wears this orange Taz (well, technically “Tazz”) shirt to pretty much every wrestling event we go to. And gets called out a lot because Rescue John is a big muscle dude in a bright orange shirt.

So Jagged Edge caught sight of Rescue John on his way to the ring and yelled, “Hey! Suplex Machine! Why don’t you come up in that ring and suplex me!” and then paused beside Rescue John long enough to sweat all over him.

Good heel stuff.

DamNation came out next and they had Grotesque with them. I am not generally a fan of Grotesque, but sometimes he seems to be a little better in the ring than other times. Sometimes he also seems a little shorter than other times. Ahem.

Anyway, apparently Grotesque has joined up with DamNation and at the same time Phantom has stopped covering his face with a mask or face paint and is now simply Casey Kincaid. Also, Dany Only has exciting, new, spiky hair. Fred Yehi still just looks like a tough little dude that would just as soon tie you in a knot as say hi.

Grotesque started for DamNation and Bo Newsome started for Empire, but only with the encouragement of his teammates.

Grotesque beat him up some, and then hit that multiple chokeslam I like so much. And then immediately got distracted by Miss Rachael’s super-tight tight pants and wandered off after her as Areole did his best to keep the big freak at bay. Kincaid did his best to get Grotesque back in the ring, but what are you gonna do?

Grotesque was eliminated by way of feminine distraction.

A shaken and bruised Bo Newsome tagged in Jagged Edge and an eager Dany Only stepped in to meet the challenge. There was very much a sense of, “I want a piece of this guy.” The two went at it for a while, with Empire gaining a brief advantage when Only got thrown in their corner. After some more brawling, Jagged Edge popped up with a face full of blood. It wasn’t so much the fabled Crimson Mask as it was a Crimson Bandana. JE looked like he was about to rob a train. Most likely due to the injury, he and Only brawled their way to the back and were both eliminated.

That left Yehi and Kincaid to handle the triple threat of Jacob Ashworth, Bo Newsome, and JB.

I got all caught up in the action, so I’m not sure who did what, but Yehi softened up JB to the point where the Empire man could be eliminated. It was down to two-on-two.

Yehi and Kincaid were working very well until Empire managed to isolate Kincaid and start a methodical beatdown. It lasted just long enough to look bad, but then Kincaid got in some offense and went for a springboard back elbow, only to have Jacob Ashworth catch him in a Full Nelson and follow up with a Full Nelson Bomb to get the pin.

Casey Kincaid was eliminated by pinfall, leaving Fred Yehi alone against Bo Newsome and Jacob Ashworth.

The PCW Arena were biting their collective nails at this point. Yehi was alone in this match against two veterans and proven members of Empire.

The Empire boys utilized a series of brutal offensive moves and quick tags to keep Yehi down. But eventually the last remaining DamNation member was able to hit a couple of moves and a huge German suplex on Jacob Ashworth and it was down to Yehi versus Bo Newsome.

Bo Newsome hit a spinebuster that looked like it might close the deal, but after Yehi kicked out he locked a sick submission maneuver on the man, who had no choice but to tap out.

YOUR WINNER – Fred Yehi

A weak and wearied Fred Yehi slowly made his way to his feet to celebrate. Just as he started to raise his arms in victory, that dirty corksoaker Marko Polo ran into the ring and clobbered him. 

Polo had just enough time to put on his sunglasses and have the ever-present Mandisco polish his knob a bit before the rest of DamNation ran out of the locker room and chased the two Crown Jewels away.

Good damn match. Actually, a pretty great night overall. I’ll admit to being a bit disappointed in the lack of ladies (Miss Rachael doesn’t count – I said ladies), but we all had a good time.

Oh, and I came across the aftermath of Jagged Edge’s exploded nose:

The PCW Arena might want to do something about their Vampire Ant problem.

-Phantom