Side
Note: Oh, damn
am I pissed. I was all set to start writing up yet another
scintillating recap of PCW action. Typically what I do is pull up my
pictures and do my best to make them slightly less shitty. I’ll
have 150-200 pictures of any given wrestling night and I’ll go
through and crop or adjust brightness or whatever. So I did my thing
with the pictures, saved them, and then pulled the folder back up to
get started writing, only to discover that for some reason about
fifty of the pictures were blank, white pages.
What.
The. Fuck.
Also, all of these pictures are dark. Really dark. It's not totally my fault. The high-quality house lights in the PCW Arena were really fucking up my shit. You'll notice them in most pictures.
Also, all of these pictures are dark. Really dark. It's not totally my fault. The high-quality house lights in the PCW Arena were really fucking up my shit. You'll notice them in most pictures.
Now,
I wasn’t even drinking Friday night because I’m on my crazy,
pre-Dragon *Con diet; but I still don’t have the best recall in the
world. I need visual references to provide the kind of witty,
insightful recaps all of the loyal Phantomaniacs have come to know
and love. Ahem.
But
I’m gonna do what I can because I’m really in the mood to write
this thing now and I don’t want to put it off until tomorrow when I
can reload the originals back onto my flash drive.
It’s
been far too long since I have witnessed the non-stop action and
drama that is a live Empire Wrestling show. I already wanted to try
and attend the 7/13 show at the PCW Arena, but threats of physical
violence from a certain Empire member convinced me I had better
gather up the Hooligans and get my ass to Avondale. So to speak.
I
put the call out and Rescue John, Little Pond, the Grand Hoff, and
Gnoll responded. We were able to get a sitter, so Mrs. Troublemaker
came along as well.
Eric
Walker
Vs.
Supernatural
Eric
Walker was out first sporting the same Walmart hoodie we bought for
Lil’ Troublemaker two years ago at Halloween. I don’t know if
Walker’s soul is still Dynamite or not, but he has definitely
improved in the ring. Supernatural, for his part, is tiny and crazy.
The
match was fast-paced and exciting – a good opener. Neither man
really held the advantage for any sustainable amount of time, but
both got to hit some cool spots. Supernatural hit the sort of quick,
flippy offense you might expect. Walker actually pulled out a corner
senton (I guess), which looked brutal on the smaller man and
surprised the heck out of me.
But
Walker’s efforts were to no avail, as Supernatural is totally nuts.
The luchador got the formerly Dynamite one all wrapped up in the
corner at one point and set him up for what I am going to assume is
called the Murdalizer. I’ll do my best to explain:
Walker
had his back to the corner with his feet hooked over the middle
ropes. Supernatural was standing on the top turnbuckle holding
Walker’s arms back. We all saw where this was going and we all sort
of went, “Ummmm…” and then Supernatural did what we knew he was
going to do and stepped off of the turnbuckle onto Walker’s back,
making this happen:
Everybody
went, “AAAAAAAAHHHHH!”
The
tiny warrior pinned Walker and got the win.
YOUR
WINNER – Supernatural
After
the match Walker just sort of laid there for a minute, trying to
figure out where his spine was.
Tommy
Daniels
Vs.
Chip
Motherfucking Day
Vs.
Brandon Kage
Vs.
Marvelous
Marko Polo w/ Quasi Mandisco
Daniels
and The Marvelous One teamed up early and threw Day out of the ring.
They
then beat the ever-loving piss out of Kage for a very long time.
Brandon Kage is one of the bravest wrestlers I have seen in PCW. Partially
because he took an extended ass-whipping from the Magic Mangina and
Tommy “Who’s That Guy Again?” Daniels, but mostly because he
took his shirt off and man, that guy should not take his shirt off.
First off, he was so pale as to be nearly translucent. Second, he has
clearly never met a donut he didn’t like. Having said all of that,
the guy can take some punishment and he can go.
And I’ll always take go before show if I have to make the choice.
Once Brandon did get to pull off some moves they were solid and mean.
And jiggly.
And
he did eventually get to pull off some moves because after several
foiled attempts to get back in the ring, Day finally managed to make
his way to the far top turnbuckle and deliver a sweet double dropkick
to the heels.
After delivering a beat down to Polo and Daniels, Day ran into a recovered Brandon and the two tied it up for a minute before Brandon caught Day and delivered a nice backbreaker.
After delivering a beat down to Polo and Daniels, Day ran into a recovered Brandon and the two tied it up for a minute before Brandon caught Day and delivered a nice backbreaker.
But
this allowed Daniels to nail Brandon and Polo to nail Daniels and
cover Brandon for the pin.
YOUR
WINNER – Marvelous Marko Polo
After
the match, Marko Polo paused to soak up the adulation of absolutely
nobody. Well, that’s not true. Mandisco got on the mic and sang his
praises, but he was wearing white jeans so nobody was taking him very
seriously.
Najasism
Vs.
De
La Vega
The
announcers did a good job of putting over the fact that the guys are
buddies, which is good because I’m not sure I knew that. Actually,
I haven’t mentioned the announce team yet because I have no idea
who they were; but they were doing a bang-up job.
The
match started off as one of those friendly one-upsmanship type of
deals. Both guys were getting in some moves and the pace was steady
and solid. No wasted time. Good stuff.
But
then Naja seemed to get a little frustrated and started to get a
little stiffer and a little more intense. He still couldn’t quite
get the advantage over the wiry, wily De La Vega and finally resorted
to questionable tactics:
After
that it was on. Both men got serious and Naja kept going to the bag
of dirty tricks, upsetting the crowd and ticking off Vega. Once Naja
turned up the dick-o-meter he maintained control and even made a show
of having the advantage. Eventually, of course, this backfired on him
and Vega turned things around. He hit a dropkick and a flurry of
moves, but Naja once again used mild shenanigans – nothing illegal,
just questionable – to take the momentum back.
Once
Vega was sufficiently weakened, Naja put him up on his shoulders and
in the process of hitting his finish knocked the ref down. Just like
any other pro wrestling official, the undefeated Duke Korey is
especially prone to blackouts. As brief and gentle a stimuli as a
sharp breeze can render even the heartiest referee unconscious for
great lengths of time. Kind of like those goats.
YOUR
WINNER – De La Vega
After
the match Najasism slapped Duke Korey around like he caught him
trying on his Gramma’s sundress. Korey was so shaken by the whole
thing that Stephen Platinum had to emerge from the backstage area to
give him a little pep talk and a hug.
Sylar
Cross & Master Jae w/ Jonathan Malick & Big Masked Guy of
Empire
Vs.
Brian
Blaze & Geter of We Are 3
This
was interesting, as We Are 3 can play as heels or faces depending on
who they’re fighting. Cross and Jae are heels. Always.
Actually,
I have come to appreciate this specimen of pro wrestling known as
Sylar Cross, as he seems to have developed into quite an interesting
character over the past several months.
Case
in point: last Friday night he was the first example I think I’ve
ever seen of a Heel In Peril (probably not, but it’s been so long
that I can’t remember seeing it before. Either way Cross was very
good at it). Blaze and Geter whooped his ass for a very long time:
And it was entertaining as hell.
But finally Cross was able to make the Hot(?) Tag to Master Jae, who came in and took control. He got Blaze down and did just a little bit of offense before We Are 3 once again dominated and got the win.
But finally Cross was able to make the Hot(?) Tag to Master Jae, who came in and took control. He got Blaze down and did just a little bit of offense before We Are 3 once again dominated and got the win.
YOUR
WINNERS – We Are 3
This
is a picture of We Are 3 talking shit to the Empire crew, even though
it looks like Geter is pulling Blaze’s left eyeball out of his
head:
Side
Note: The big, masked guy was named repeatedly, but I can’t
remember what his name was. It sounded Latin or something. I keep
wanting to say “Areole” but I’m pretty sure that’s not right.
Corey
Hollis w/ Jeff G. Bailey & Big Masked Guy of Empire
Vs.
Jon
Williams of the Washington Bullets
Oh,
Jeff G. Bailey. You unbelievable douchebag.
Gentle
readers, Jeff G. Bailey is such a low-down, despicable, no-good,
rotten example of the failure of humanity that even that baby in the
bottom right corner talked shit to him:
As
Corey Hollis was walking out, I leaned over to Gnoll and told him that this
guy was really good and to pay attention. I had first seen Hollis at
one of the Masquerade show when he was subbing in for Zachary Blaine.
My first thought was, “Wow – that guy is little.” and I’m not
usually one to judge a wrestler by their size. Actually, I have a
tendency to think smaller guys are going to be more entertaining. But
Hollis just seemed really diminutive, I guess. But he teamed up with
Zack Daniels to take on Daisho and gave the nearly unstoppable duo
their first truly competitive match (that I had seen). So I was
excited to see Hollis work again, especially against the likes of Jon
Williams.
Unfortunately, things
didn’t go like I wanted.
I
really, really
hate to keep bagging on Jon Williams’ solo matches, but this match
involved a
lot
of rest holds. I don’t know what the deal was, but after an opening
flurry of offense from Hollis, Williams pretty much just sat in the
ring and took a series of waistlocks. I wanted very badly to like
this match and get caught up in it, but the damn thing just never got
off the ground for me. There was some action at the end, but these guys had totally lost me.
I’m
not even sure what the finish was, but Corey Hollis won.
I
will say this – Hollis played the role of the douchey heel to a T,
up to and including his exit from the ringside area. After the match,
Trey Williams came out to ringside to back his brother while Jeff G.
Bailey cut one of his infuriating but admittedly excellent promos on
the Bullets. The insufferable windbag pointed out that the Bullets
were one loss away from being knocked out of the Empire Tag Team
Season and that Empire were going to be the ones to do it. Trey
claimed that was a bunch of horseshit, but Jon seemed less certain.
After
that post-match segment I have to wonder if Jon’s seeming malaise
during the match was part of a bigger picture, but I don’t think a
lackluster match was the way to get it across.
Next
up: TIME FOR AN AWKWARD AND HILARIOUS PROMO!
After
Bailey and his goons cleared the ring, Platinum Championship
Wrestling Champion Demigod Mason made his way down.
No
sooner had his music stopped than a familiar tune kicked in over the
speaker system of the PCW Arena – Empire Champion Shane Marx was on
his way to the ring, accompanied by that disreputable minx, Miss
Rachael.
Mason
immediately kicked into full-on Babyface Promo of White Fire mode and
held up his PCW Title Belt. But before the rightful Champ could get a
word out, that devious dastard Marx grabbed a mic and started in on
what could have been a glorious promo.
Except
that somewhere in the middle he must have suddenly remembered that he
forgot to set the DVR to record Glee.
Or maybe his brain dug up the memory of that time in first grade
where he had to go up in front of the class to do a math problem and broke wind explosively. Or maybe he just got distracted by Miss Rachael’s
admittedly distracting super-tight tight pants. I dunno, but Marx’s
promo came crashing to a halt like Pietro Maximoff running into Cain
Marko. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. An awkward silence
enveloped the crowd of the PCW Arena as the Empire Champ attempted to
regain his composure, only to start stuttering and sputtering like a
toothless old man with a mouthful of Huddle House scrambled eggs that
were just a bit too runny.
Some
inconsiderate jackass yelled, “This is just like that Bobby Roode
promo on Impact last Thursday!”
Finally
a bit of composure was regained and Marx started over again, but to
no avail. He barely got two words out of his mouth before the same
jackass yelled, “This is not getting any better!”
At
this point Marx was openly smiling and Mason was doing his level best
to not burst into laughter. I think I saw a tear creep out of his
left eye.
Things
ended with Mason trying his damndest to cut a return promo in a
serious manner, but there was just no following the impromptu magic
that Shane Marx had just bestowed upon us. I will be forever
grateful.
Oh,
and the gist of the promo was the come Sacred Ground: Chapter 3 on
September 29th
in Porterdale, GA; Mason will whoop Marx’s ass. I am currently both
bummed out and infuriated because I am working nights that whole
weekend and there’s really nothing I can do about it.
Oh,
and I also might have been the jackass.
Johnny
Danger
Vs.
Hayden
Young
The
indomitable spirit of Johnny Danger versus the fresh heelishness of
Hayden Young. Young is coming off of what was apparently a
particularly brutal separation from his former tag partner, Chip
Motherfucking Day. I don’t know exactly what happened, but I have
heard people talk about it more than once in a, “You should have
seen it!” kind of way. I wish I had seen it.
Young
tired to start off aggressively, but he has apparently never seen a
match featuring former WWE Champion Edge. He charged at Danger –
who was near a corner – and ended up crashing into the turnbuckles
when Danger moved out of the way. Disoriented from the collision,
Young stood up and turned around, spying the Godzilla-emblazoned
indie pants of his opponent across the ring. Charging again, he
crashed into the opposite turnbuckle as Danger utilized the same
evasive maneuver.
Even
more discombobulated from the second collision, Young stumbled up and
turned once more. He immediately went for Danger, who leapt nimbly
out of the path of the enraged grappler. Hayden Young had thrice
struck the turnbuckles! He stumbled blindly about and it looked like
young Johnny Danger might even be able to put the man away!
And
just as Danger approached the larger man, Young snapped off a vicious
clothesline, sending the valiant but unlucky kid to the mat.
“You
know, suddenly I’m feeling a whole lot better for some reason!”
yelled Young as he pranced about the ring, clearly showing that his
former ineptitude had been a ploy. He proceeded to beat the
ever-loving shit out of Danger, showing off his newly-found heel
skills.
I’m
not sure the match even had an actual finish, but at one point Young
had Danger in an exceedingly painful-looking head vise. Just as it
looked like he was about to twist the little guy’s head off, “Do
or Die” Chip Motherfucking Day raced out of the locker room to stop
the madness. Conscious that Young might severely injure Danger if he
got to close, Day climbed a chair in the back of the PCW Arena and
delivered a heck of a promo to Young.
He told him that he was the one Young really wanted to hurt and that Young should man up and fight Day if that’s what he wanted. Young finally conceded that, yes, that is what he wants and threw Danger to the ground as he left the ring. Chip Day and De La Vega attended to a wounded Johnny Danger and escorted him to the locker room to chants of, “Danger! Danger! Danger!”
He told him that he was the one Young really wanted to hurt and that Young should man up and fight Day if that’s what he wanted. Young finally conceded that, yes, that is what he wants and threw Danger to the ground as he left the ring. Chip Day and De La Vega attended to a wounded Johnny Danger and escorted him to the locker room to chants of, “Danger! Danger! Danger!”
And
with that ladies and gentlemen,
Your
Platinum Championship Wrestling Main Event!
Team
Empire
JB
Cool & Bo Newsome & Jacob Ashworth & Jagged Edge w/ Miss
Rachael & Jonathan Malick
Vs.
DamNation
“Human
Hand Grenade” Dany Only & Casey Kincaid & Fred Yehi &
Grotesque(?)
Tag
Team Elimination Match
Two
awesome things happened before the match even got started and I
didn’t manage to get pictures of either of them.
Gnoll
was checking his phone during the entrances. While he was, JB Cool
came up behind him and stuck a finger at his phone over his shoulder.
Gnoll was understandably startled as JB said, “You put that damn
thing away. You look at ME, not that phone.” It was damn hilarious
and some excellent heeling by the Miami (I’m guessing) native.
Rescue
John’s favorite wrestler is Taz. He wears this orange Taz (well,
technically “Tazz”) shirt to pretty much every wrestling event we
go to. And gets called out a lot because Rescue John is a big muscle
dude in a bright orange shirt.
So
Jagged Edge caught sight of Rescue John on his way to the ring and
yelled, “Hey! Suplex Machine! Why don’t you come up in that ring
and suplex me!” and then paused beside Rescue John long enough to
sweat all over him.
Good
heel stuff.
DamNation
came out next and they had Grotesque with them. I am not generally a
fan of Grotesque, but sometimes he seems to be a little better in the
ring than other times. Sometimes he also seems a little shorter than
other times. Ahem.
Anyway,
apparently Grotesque has joined up with DamNation and at the same
time Phantom has stopped covering his face with a mask or
face paint and is now simply Casey Kincaid. Also, Dany Only has
exciting, new, spiky hair. Fred Yehi still just looks like a tough
little dude that would just as soon tie you in a knot as say hi.
Grotesque
started for DamNation and Bo Newsome started for Empire, but only
with the encouragement of his teammates.
Grotesque
beat him up some, and then hit that multiple chokeslam I like so
much. And then immediately got distracted by Miss Rachael’s
super-tight tight pants and wandered off after her as Areole did his
best to keep the big freak at bay. Kincaid did his best to get
Grotesque back in the ring, but what are you gonna do?
A
shaken and bruised Bo Newsome tagged in Jagged Edge and an eager Dany
Only stepped in to meet the challenge. There was very much a sense
of, “I want a piece of this guy.” The two went at it for a while,
with Empire gaining a brief advantage when Only got thrown in their
corner. After some more brawling, Jagged Edge popped up with a face
full of blood. It wasn’t so much the fabled Crimson Mask as it was
a Crimson Bandana. JE looked like he was about to rob a train. Most
likely due to the injury, he and Only brawled their way to the back
and were both eliminated.
I
got all caught up in the action, so I’m not sure who did what, but
Yehi softened up JB to the point where the Empire man could be
eliminated. It was down to two-on-two.
Yehi
and Kincaid were working very well until Empire managed to isolate
Kincaid and start a methodical beatdown. It lasted just long enough
to look bad, but then Kincaid got in some offense and went for a
springboard back elbow, only to have Jacob Ashworth catch him in a
Full Nelson and follow up with a Full Nelson Bomb to get the pin.
Casey
Kincaid was eliminated by pinfall, leaving Fred Yehi alone against Bo
Newsome and Jacob Ashworth.
The
PCW Arena were biting their collective nails at this point. Yehi was
alone in this match against two veterans and proven members of
Empire.
The
Empire boys utilized a series of brutal offensive moves and quick
tags to keep Yehi down. But eventually the last remaining DamNation
member was able to hit a couple of moves and a huge German suplex on
Jacob Ashworth and it was down to Yehi versus Bo Newsome.
Bo
Newsome hit a spinebuster that looked like it might close the deal,
but after Yehi kicked out he locked a sick submission maneuver on the
man, who had no choice but to tap out.
A
weak and wearied Fred Yehi slowly made his way to his feet to
celebrate. Just as he started to raise his arms in victory, that
dirty corksoaker Marko Polo ran into the ring and clobbered him.
Polo had just enough time to put on his sunglasses and have the ever-present Mandisco polish his knob a bit before the rest of DamNation ran out of the locker room and chased the two Crown Jewels away.
Polo had just enough time to put on his sunglasses and have the ever-present Mandisco polish his knob a bit before the rest of DamNation ran out of the locker room and chased the two Crown Jewels away.
Good
damn match. Actually, a pretty great night overall. I’ll admit to
being a bit disappointed in the lack of ladies (Miss Rachael doesn’t
count – I said ladies),
but we all had a good time.
Oh,
and I came across the aftermath of Jagged Edge’s exploded nose:
-Phantom
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