Note:
I wrote this before I watched Monday's RAW, where Michael Cole once
again took up the role of Worst Person on Television.
So
I heard Joey Ryan was going to be on Impact last Thursday night.
I
like Joey Ryan and think he’s got a great character. He’s solid
in the ring and just generally one of those guys that interests me
all around as a wrestler. I follow the guy on Twitter and Facebook
and check out his matches when he posts them.
So
I was curious to see what he was going to be doing on Impact.
Right
around the same time, the lawsuits of Shannon Spruill (Daffney) and
some other wrestlers against TNA came to light. That is a whole other
post, but the suits suggest that TNA treats their talent like shit. I
normally look at this sort of thing with a great deal of suspicion,
but I was friends with Shannon back in high school and I have a
pretty high opinion of her character. Granted, she has been in the
wrestling business for over a decade now and who knows how that might
change a person, but I like to think she’s still a pretty
reasonable person with a good head on her shoulders. I’m more
inclined to believe her side of things than I am a wrestling company
with a history of questionable decisions and a stack of lawsuits.
So
that put me off a bit, as well. I’m not going to try and be all
high-and-mighty and say I’ll NEVER watch again. This is, after all,
the entertainment business. Being treated poorly seems like
part-and-parcel. To paraphrase Q-Tip, entertainment industry people
are shady. It’s just a fact. If I were going to boycott every
company with lousy practices I wouldn’t be reading, watching, or
listening to anything. But that did leave a temporary sour taste in
my mouth.
For
some perspective, I’m not really watching WWE right now either.
There is too much stupid talking, I don’t give a shit about half of
the roster because I have no faith that they’ll be around for any
amount of time if they’re good or that they will be utilized
properly. It seems like every time I start to really like somebody
they either get fired or dropped to curtain-jerking status. And WWE’s
midcard matches are laughable. It’s one thing to have professionals
who have been in the business for many years getting by on clever
variations of kick-punch-suplex; it’s another entirely to expect a
new crop of fresh faces to do the same. I don’t know how WWE
management expects any of these young guys to get over when they are
all doing the exact same matches, just with different signature
moves. And a
lot
of those signature moves have been seen before.
Michael
Cole’s wretched job of announcing is also a big factor in my lack
of interest in WWE. He is the worst fucking commentator I have ever
heard in my life, and that includes Mark Madden, Jonathan Coachman,
Mike Adamle, and Ed Ferrara. Granted, Cole has gotten better, but
that’s like saying this time the Herpes outbreak wasn’t too
bad. To think that Jerry Lawler is the best announcer on WWE’s
flagship show is awful when several years ago I wanted to pay
Lawler’s throat doctor to slice his vocal cords.
So
I still record the WWE shows because it would be unthinkable not to
and because maybe, just maybe, someday it’ll suddenly get better
and I don’t want to miss it. A good example of that is CM Punk’s
promo last Summer. That was worth hours of mediocre non-wrestling to
see. So I record RAW and Smackdown on the DVR and watch them while I
do other things. When I hear CM Punk or Daniel Bryan’s entrance
music I stop and pay attention. I don’t care about Big Show’s
4,973rd
heel turn. I don’t care about Dancin’ Broadus Clay. I don’t
care about A-Train’s return because I have no faith that they’re
going to do anything good with him. I don’t care about any
new guy that debuts for the same reason. I certainly don’t care
about the embarrassingly mishandled women’s division.
The
point is, don’t think I went into this Impact viewing as a WWE fan.
The only wrestling I truly love right now is Empire/PCW. Well, and
DCW.
So
I set my DVR and committed myself to sitting down and just
watching Impact. No internet, no phone, no sketch pad. I thought
about doing a live review on the laptop, but that would have provided
too much temptation to surf around. So it was just me, a bag of
veggie hot fries, a root beer, and Impact.
The
first thing I noticed was that wherever they are recording now is
bigger and doesn’t look like a total joke. The sets are much
cleaner and more impressive, everybody comes out of the same entrance
now, and the ramp to the ring is longer. The overall presentation was
far more professional than what I had seen previously. The only thing
I had a problem with production-wise was that they had these blue
jets of flame during the match-up screens and they would pop up in
front of the wrestlers’ images. Guys, the wrestlers are the show.
Don’t put anything
in front of your wrestlers. It’s just stupid.
The
show started with a match involving the TNA or Impact or whatever
World Champion, Robert Roode. When last I saw Roode he was a bland
midcarder trying very hard to make everybody believe he was a Main
Eventer. I didn’t buy it then, but since that time he’s gotten a
haircut and an infusion of gravitas. Roode walked out to the ring to
what I think was some kind of bland music (I couldn’t hear hardly
anybody’s music, but I had the volume kind of low because everybody
was asleep upstairs – nobody wants to be awakened by the music of
[Jeff Hardy’s shitty band] at 3 AM), but that belt looked like it
belonged around his waist. The guy was just carrying himself
differently. It was enough for me to feel positive.
And
then Hulk Hogan came out and told Robert Roode that his opponent was
Sting.
Fucking
shit. Seriously? Hogan is still “in charge” and Sting is still
wrestling?
But
then Roode and Sting had a very good match. Not awesome, but
convincing. It got me interested and there was plenty of action.
There were lumberjacks around the ring, which gave me a pretty good
idea about how different TNA had gotten.
I
immediately recognized Austin Aries. I knew he had been back, but I
just hadn’t trusted TNA to do anything with him. Turns out he’s
the X-Division Champion (which I think should be TNA’s most hyped
title) and has been for a while.
Also
at ringside were Eric Young (in some stupid new gimmick), that Jersey
Shore idiot, Rob Van Dam, Chris Sabin (a friend of mine always
mispronounced this as “Chris Sybian” and had no idea what he was
saying), Frankie Kazarian, Kurt Angle, Jeff Hardy, and some other
dudes. The bad guys beat up Sting when he ended up outside the ring
and the good guys sort of pussyfooted around Roode. You know how
these things go.
Side
Note: I have a theory about Jeff Hardy. You may or may not know that
Matt Hardy is an absolute fucking disaster right now. I say that
without judgment; it’s just a fact. Posting videos of yourself on
YouTube where you are cutting promos on people who don’t give a
shit about you while you are clearly higher than ten Rick Jameses is
not rational. Posting suicide notes on Twitter to get attention is
not rational. Clearly Matt Hardy has gone fucking bonkers and I think
it’s because he spent so many years being the straight one and
doesn’t know how to handle his shit.
Jeff
Hardy, on the other hand, has spent the greater portion of two
decades using Lord knows how many different types of drugs and then
cleaning up just long enough to keep some kind of job. He’s a
junkie, but he can handle his shit to a certain extent.
Obviously
I don’t know either of these guys and am just speculating, but I’ve
certainly known enough junkies in my life to recognize certain
things.
So
Sting won by making Roode tap out to the Scorpion Deathlock and I was
all like, “Holy shit. That old man just won the title in the
opening match. I guess he’ll be losing it before the end of the
night,” but then Mike Tenay (who is one of my favorite wrestling
announcers of all time) said it was a non-title match.
I
certainly don’t mind the champ losing a match. I don’t even mind
him losing it clean. But for as much as Sting had a perfectly good,
competitive match I am just not interested in seeing him wrestle for
titles anymore. If he wants to do special attraction stuff like
Undertaker (or against
Undertaker!) that would be awesome. But it shouldn’t have anything
to do with any titles. Sting doesn’t need a title and titles need
active, exciting wrestlers that capture the imagination of the
audience. The champ should be the pinnacle of what the company is and
an example of what the company has to offer. Sting as champ or even
chasing the title says, “We have an old guy that you’ve been
watching for the last thirty-odd years. And that’s the best we
have.”
However,
this was a very exciting opening segment that made me want to tune in
for the rest of the show. And that is something that WWE seems almost
incapable of accomplishing these days. I usually tune out halfway
through whatever promo they put up as their opener. I think opening
or closing a wrestling show with anything other than a match is
extremely stupid, with a few exceptions. A contract signing is never
one of those exceptions and, quite frankly, shouldn’t even be on
TV. They’re stupid always.
The
end result of the opener was that the Icon Sting (who now has Heath
Ledger Joker facepaint for some reason) has a shot at Robert Roode’s
Heavyweight Title at Slammiversary.
Maybe not the decision I would have made, but it was done well enough
that it felt big time and logical.
Okay,
I may not get the order of the segments right from here on out and I
might even forget one. If I do, you can bet it wasn’t good or bad.
Just forgettable.
They
came back from a break to Madison Raine in her dressing room talking
about the fact that Brooke Hogan coming in to manage the TNA Women’s
Division. This is absolutely fucking stupid, but I couldn’t get too
mad because Raine was actually pretty funny during the segment and
has gotten even hotter since the last time I saw her. I’ll address
the Brooke Hogan nonsense later.
Next
was a promo segment with Bully Ray. I think that name is dumb, but
I’m going to use it because I firmly believe in using a wrestler’s
current name. It’s the one they’re using to get over at the
moment and you’re not doing them any favors by continuing to refer
to them by an old name like, say, Brian Danielson.
So
Bully Ray looks fucking amazing. The guy is in the best shape I’ve
ever seen him in and this makes me want to see him wrestle. It looks
like his gimmick is pretty much the same as it was last time (and as
it’s pretty much always been) where he is a dick. He’s really
good at being a dick and in this instance he was being a dick to
“Joseph Park”, who is clearly Abyss without a mask. This segment
went on way too fucking long, but both guys did a good job. If it had
only gone on for five minutes I would have called it a great and
effective use of time. But I think it went twice that and I hated
both of these guys by the time it was over. “Joseph Park” is
supposed to be Chris Park’s (Abyss) brother and he is an attorney
who is upset about something Bully did to Abyss. I can tell you the
exact point where this segment got fucking stupid:
Apparently
Bully beat the shit out of Joseph recently. But when Joseph finally
nutted up and grabbed Bully to deliver some much-deserved smacketh
down, Bully told Joseph if he hit him he would sue. This was utterly
retarded and devoid of logic, but the big problem is that it was
unnecessary. We could have seen Bully acting like a chickenshit
without the threat of lawsuit. There are dozens of different ways
that could have been handled without the heel threatening to get
litigious with the lawyer that
he had just beaten up without reprisal.
But
things ended with a match set up for Slammiversary
(TNA has a problem with giving things stupid names). And you know
what? TNA is selling their PPV far better than WWE. I feel like
Slammiversary
is a big deal with a lot of stuff on the line and I only know two of
the matches. I can’t put a finger on it, but what they were doing
worked.
Another
big deal throughout the night was a match against Devon (a much more
reasonable name than “Bully Ray”) for the TNA TV title. TNA was
“letting the fans” pick the challenger from four wrestlers –
Jeff Hardy, Rob Van Dam, Robbie E (the Jersey Shore douche), and Ken
Anderson. There was the occasional backstage segment with the four
guys standing around with Jeremy Borasch (my favorite backstage
interviewer), waiting to see who got picked.
Hardy
is Hardy. He’s good when he isn’t too fucked up. He had his
stupid face paint on, and he also had eyes painted on his eyelids. I
wanted to feel like that was stupid, too; but it was actually kind of
cool and creepy. Don’t tell anybody I said that, though.
RVD
is awesome. I don’t think anybody can deny the name he has made for
himself over the years. He may have had a rough patch in WWE for a
while and absolutely fucked up there at the end, but he should
definitely be a Hall Of Famer someday.
Robbie
E (I think that’s his name) looks ridiculous – like a poor man’s
Zack Ryder. And I thought Zack Ryder was a poor man’s Zack Ryder. I
didn’t like him when he had his fat little valet and I don’t like
him now. For the time being. His new valet is Robbie T, who I think
is Big Rob Terry, who I also never liked and think this gimmick
change is an indicator that I was right about his worth. The fact
that a guy I consider to be a rookie has had three (or more) gimmick
changes since he started is not good. For him or for TNA.
And
then there’s Mr. Anderson. I loved this guy when he was in WWE.
Most of what I’ve seen of him in TNA has been terrible.
But
none of that matters because the next match was Chris Sabin versus X
Division Champion Austin Aries and it was awesome. Not Match of the
Year awesome or anything, but better than ninety percent of the
matches WWE shows us. I miss the days when TNA was mostly about guys
like these two. There were tons of counters and some really good
teases of finishers. Aries won with a rollup and Sabin looked pretty
darn pissed about it. Great match and the sort of thing that makes me
want to see more TNA.
Now
it’s time for Joey Ryan, but in the most boring way possible. TNA
is trying to do their own version of Tough Enough, but with editors
that are unable to determine what is worth showing on television. Al
Snow, Bruce Pritchard, and Taz sat around talking about Joey Ryan and
whether or not he should get a TNA contract and it absolutely bored
the piss out of me. I like all three of these guys and have a great
deal of respect for them, but this segment was terrible. I don’t
know if it was real and came off as fake or fake and came off as
boring, but these guys just said a bunch of bland, generalized stuff
about Ryan. And it went on forever.
I’m not trying to say Tough
Enough
was legit because I’m sure it wasn’t but at least it was
entertaining. I wish WWE would continue it. I’m talking about the
version with Trish and Stone Cold that was its own show, not the one
that was a segment on RAW.
Next
up was another
segment and Impact was really in danger of losing me here because it
was Dixie Carter talking. Not the Designing
Women
Dixie Carter. If you don’t know, Dixie Carter is the lady that sort
of owns TNA. I’m not clear on how much of it is storyline now and
how much is legit, but she for real used to run things. Her father
owns Panda Energy, which is the company that bailed TNA out years
ago. Dixie Carter truly loves wrestling. I’ve met her and she is a
very sweet lady. But she is not a person you want talking on your
television. Especially when the talking she is doing is in order to
introduce a vacuum of talent like Brooke Hogan.
I
don’t know anything about Brooke Hogan the person. Maybe she’s
lovely. But Brooke Hogan the entertainer is an awful, bland stack of
orange tofu that has no business holding a microphone for any reason.
She didn’t have three words out of her mouth before I had to fight
to keep from fast-forwarding. I had promised myself that I would
watch every single segment on Impact and rate it.
This
segment was crap. Ms. Carter introduced Hogan’s spawn as the new
manager of the Women’s Division and the Hogan Spawn said she was
going to make things super great or something. Whatever. I think this
was even the top of the hour. As much as I would have preferred it if
somebody had come out and attacked the Hogan Spawn, that would have
been dumb, too.
After
some ads, we return backstage to the four possible opponents for
Devon. You know RVD isn’t going to “win” because he doesn’t
even have his hands taped up. Slacker. Unsurprisingly, Jeff Hardy won
the vote and he prances his silly, day-glo ass out to the ring. He
must not be too
high, because he’s able to navigate ringside even though he has his
eyes closed to show off his creepy eyelid eyes.
Devon
is looking just as fit as his “brother”, but the bedazzled jeans
he’s wearing are not the best or most flattering look. I think he’d
be better off in just a singlet.
These
two have had hundreds of matches and it shows. The match is clean and
fun to watch until Robbie E and Robbie T run out and interfere. It’s
almost worth it, though, because we got to see Devon and Jeff do that
Hardys double-team move where Jeff launches off the back of the guy
on all fours in front of the opponent in the corner. Poetry In
Motion? Is that right? I knew all that stuff when I was still playing
the wrestling games.
Okay,
so I cheated for the next segment. I fast-forwarded through a stupid
video of Cowboy James Storm leading his daughter around on horseback,
talking about what a cowboy he is. I get it, James. It’s in your
ring name. You’re a cowboy. Shut up and piledrive somebody. The
shame of it is I really like James Storm and would have liked to see
him actually doing
something.
Now
it’s time for more Joey Ryan! But again, in the most boring way
possible.
Pritchard,
Snow, and Taz are in the ring ready to deliver a decision about
whether or not Joey Ryan gets a contract. I just assumed he was. But
then the three judges rehash their debate about Ryan’s worthiness
and it seems even more fake live than it did pre-recorded. Finally
Joey Ryan comes out – smirking, confident, and secure in the
manliness of his mustache – to cut a possible contract-saving
promo. He says some words and Pritchard delivers a “No”. Ryan
says he can’t believe Pritchard is that dumb, but know Snow and Taz
will see the light. Snow says “Yes” and Ryan says he knows Taz
will say yes because Joey Ryan is money and you don’t leave money
on the table because somebody else is going to come along and pick it
up. Taz does a very artificial freak out – channeling Stone Cold
Steve Austin on Tough Enough, which is very weird because to me Taz
will always
be the voice of Tough Enough – and says if that was Ryan’s
contract-saving promo he should be ashamed because it was crap. Taz
says “No”. Ryan gets all up in Taz’s grill and tells him how
wrong he is and that he’s not afraid of him and then leaves in
somewhat of a huff.
All
of this was a huge letdown for me.
To
be clear, I do not know exactly how staged any
of this was. I don’t know if it was planned from the start for Ryan
to not get the contract. I don’t know if this was a legit tryout
and he just didn’t cut it. I don’t know if he knew before the
segment that he wasn’t getting a contract. I don’t know if he
already
has a contract and this is just part of a storyline. I can’t
imagine TNA would waste TV time on a guy that they had nothing
invested in, but at the same time I can’t imagine TNA would think
it’s a good idea to put Brooke Hogan on TV. So who knows. I
certainly hope Joey Ryan will be back again.
And
now it’s time for the Main Event. Christopher Daniels versus AJ
Styles – two of TNA’s old guard and also two of the very best the
company has ever had to offer. I was very excited for this match.
Apparently Daniels and Kazarian are buddies and have some sort of
stupid storyline going with AJ, but I’ll get to that in a minute.
Styles
versus Daniels is always a great match. Somebody, somewhere should
have released at least two DVDs worth of their matches because there
is serious money to be made there. This one was no different. It was
better than any WWE television match of the past three years and
probably most of their pay-per-view matches. And I say that not
objectively but as a die-hard fan of both men. I just love watching
these guys go.
The
match was action-packed and satisfying and AJ – somewhat
surprisingly – won after successfully hitting his wacky flip-over
DDT out of the corner.
And
then Kazarian came down and he and Daniels beat the shit out of AJ.
Then Kurt Angle came down and tried to even the odds, but got his ass
kicked and tied to the ropes.
This
bit was awful. Kazarian brought down some zip ties and couldn’t
figure out how to use them and they kept just falling off of Angle’s
wrists. A note to all wrestling promotions:
DO
NOT USE ANYTHING OTHER THAN HANDCUFFS FOR SEGMENTS OF THIS NATURE.
NOTHING ELSE EVER WORKS. EVER.
Once
AJ was subdued and Angle just gave up and pretended he was tied to
the ropes, we got a dose of the stupid story.
Apparently
Daniels and Kazarian have been implying that AJ has an inappropriate
relationship with Dixie Carter. And apparently he is
because they have video footage of secret rendezvous and a recorded
phone call that might
suggest some sexy time was happening. It’s all a bit suspect, but
also a bit lascivious. And also a lot stupid. I don’t give shit
where AJ Styles is putting his penis. I just want to see him fight
people.
Be
aware that I do not know the full extent of this story. Maybe AJ has
been getting favorable treatment he shouldn’t have. I don’t know
and the vignettes didn’t make it clear.
This
episode of Impact had four very good matches, some awful segments,
some fine segments, Madison Rayne, and the Gut Check, which I haven’t
totally made up my mind about. It’s pretty bad, but has potential.
All
in all, I enjoyed this more than any WWE product I have tried to
watch since the beginning of the year. It wasn’t great, but I
actually watched
the whole thing and enjoyed a good bit of it. More importantly, it
made me willing to try more. I’ll tune in again next week, and as
mediocre as televised wrestling is right now, I don’t think I could
pay Impact Wrestling a higher compliment.
Well
– yeah I can. They made me want to write over 4,000 words about
their show. And not all in a bad way.
-Phantom
Spot on review.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I'm watching the one from 6/21 as I write this. Impact has been consistent enough for me to keep watching. The women's stuff is awful, which is a shame because Gail Kim is pretty much my favorite female wrestler on TV. Everything else is either just good enough to not turn off or actually great. Austin Aries is fantastic.
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