I hate to tread into X-Entertainment
Dinosaur Dracula territory here, but I just couldn’t pass up these
three items that seemed to be aimed specifically at me. Due to their
nature, I also couldn’t pass up the opportunity to crank out an
easy post.
We were at Dollar Tree the other day to
buy some shower curtain rings. I probably shouldn’t tell you why I
was buying shower curtain rings, but I’m going to anyway because
the nature of this whole post is a bit ridiculous.
For whatever reason, I got motivated
the other day and decided it was finally time to do another t-shirt
purge. I say “purge”, but it’s not like any of the shirts I
take out of my closet are going anywhere. They just get folded up and
stuck on the shelf rather than hanging on the bar. I do this about
once a year because I am dumb and keep buying t-shirts even though I
already own like, five hundred.
I was particularly irritated when I did
this the other day because I realized I only actually wear about ten
percent of the shirts I own. Usually I just grab one I know fits
well, but lately I’ve been wearing whichever one was closest to the
front because they were all jammed in so tight it was difficult to
browse through them. When I started pulling shirts out I saw that the
ones that had been in there for a while had marks where the hangers
had been shoved up against each other.
So I cleared out about eighty shirts
that are too big or that I just don’t wear, folded them up, and
jammed them up on that shelf. I decided I wanted a something that
would make me choose my shirts differently so they would get more
rotation. I needed a way to separate my shirts somehow so that if I
wanted a movie shirt or a comic book shirt or a music shirt I could
find them easily rather than the same five shirts just always being
at the front.
This is where the shower curtain rings
came in.
I needed something to separate the
different categories of t-shirts and shower curtain rings seemed like
the thing. I asked Mrs. Troublemaker if she had any and she said that
Dollar Tree had them.
I don’t go to Dollar Tree a whole
lot, and I have to admit it’s because I’m kind of a retail snob.
But we went and of course had to check
out the toy section in hopes they would have some of those utterly
crappy bootleg toys that are so much fun for about 12.5 seconds and
then you throw out, wondering why the fuck you wasted a dollar on it.
This time around at least the crap was
color coordinated to me.
The first thing I saw was the dart gun.
It was purple and green and at least halfway reasonable. Who doesn’t
like to have a dart gun? Next I saw the My Little Pony knockoff,
which had extra value because not only was it purple and green but it
was also a girl’s toy. Finally there’s the monster truck. A
little basic, but I couldn’t pass up the trifecta.
I’m not going to do my standard
review because these pieces of crap don’t deserve it. Well, maybe
the pony does.
Turbo Wheels Monster Truck
The box this thing is in is nice
enough. It’s utterly crappy cardboard that would dissolve when the
child that is given this toy cries on it. It rips open easily enough
to reveal a single one of those awful wire ties securing the truck in
place.
The truck is like any other toy truck
you might buy except that it is completely hollow underneath. But the
body is metal, the windows are translucent blue plastic, and the
wheels are huge. The plastic parts are about the flimsiest plastic
you could make something out of and expect it to hold a shape. The
wheels are nice and shiny and the tires are a hard, brittle plastic.
The paint job is actually quite nice
and features more than two colors.
Once I got home, I realized I already
had one of these. I spent the next several minutes doing a little
quality testing – by which I mean tossing the monster truck around
– and was surprised to discover that it’s actually pretty sturdy.
It seems like this might deserve a
decent score, right? Yeah – until I tell you that Dollar Tree had a
ton of actual Hot Wheels about eighteen inches away from these pieces
of crap. I don’t care if the Monster Truck is a little bigger, no
kid wants one of these more than an actual Hot Wheels.
3 out of 5
Dart Gun
AKA
Pistolet a flechettes
This thing is on the crappiest blister
card I’ve ever seen in my life. The plastic of the blister is this
weird kind of hardened saran wrap or something. It was sealed to the
soft cardboard cardback so securely I wasn’t sure I was going to be
able to get the gun out without damaging it.
But I did and I have to say the gun –
which is clearly labeled “GUN” so you don’t mistake it for a
toaster or a chipmunk or something – is pretty neat.
The first thing I want to mention is
the multi-directional barrel, which absolutely baffles me. The front
portion of the gun is on a ball joint. I have no idea why. If it
worked properly I suppose it would be great for people in casts who
needed to aim but couldn’t turn their bodies or wrists. I dunno.
But the thing is – the joint doesn’t really work right. First of
all, when you move it you really feel like it’s just about to
break. Also, it doesn’t stay put. So the feature is kind of useless
because if you have the dexterity to hold the barrel in place while
you fire, you can damn well point the gun anyway.
The plastic of the gun is that brittle
Dollar Tree plastic and quite frankly that’s fine. If you’re
buying a dart gun from Dollar Tree, you had better not be expecting
it to survive any kind of real action.
The three darts are foam with what are
actually pretty decent suction cups. The foam is super soft and will
crumple with the slightest touch.
The dart gun also includes a little
clip that sort of fits on the tip of the barrel. It can sort of hold
all three included darts. It doesn’t look nice, but it does what
it’s supposed to do, I guess.
As far as the actual functionality of
the gun, it’s pretty good. You have to really jam the darts into
the barrel, which is a little tough because they crumple so easily.
Once it’s in there you pull the trigger and the dart shoots out
with about as much force as you could expect from a one dollar
pistol. The dart stuck to the background of my photo cube just long
enough for me to take a picture:
Which is more than I expected.
Totally worth a dollar, even though the
barrel function is stupid and doesn’t work.
5 out of 5
Little Kids Fashion Pony
First Glance: Yes, I
decided Pretty Pony Friend deserved a full-on review. Not a whole
post, though. That would be absurd. But this is a fancy toy for
Dollar Tree. This stupid piece of crap comes with more accessories
than a whole wave of DC Universe Classics.
The manufacturer did not see fit to christen this eggplant equine with a proper name, so I am going to call her "Lavender Lick".
Sculpt: While Lavender Lick
still looks fairly ridiculous, she does have a more realistic shape
than a My Little Pony. Like, if you were going to try and teach your
daughter about proper pony proportions you’d want to visit Dollar
Tree.
Ms. Lick is molded from the standard
brittle Dollar Tree plastic and features an unsightly seam right
through the middle, ending in an ugly crack in her ass. The face isn’t really too bad. It doesn’t
feature the same amount of character as the current crop of My Little
Pony toys. Unless you count looking slightly inbred as character.
This pony also lacks the swivel neck of the Hasbro Ponies – it’s
all one piece.
Well, except for her hair, which falls
out if you so much as sneeze at it. At least the hair is long enough
to look like it could be combed. The texture of the hair is slightly
unpleasant, almost as if it’s greasy, but it isn’t. As a matter
of fact, I just had an urge to go and wash my hands just thinking
about it.
Design: Lavender Lick’s
body is a fairly nice purple. The hair is a nasty sea green. I would
definitely prefer the hair be a bit brighter. The only real deco is her eyes and they look fine.
Accessories: This
is whereLavender Lick really shines. She comes with four
shoes, a saddle, a hat, sunglasses, and a comb. It’s all made of
terribly cheap plastic, but it all fits where it is supposed to go
and mostly stays there. Nothing fits quite right, but it all fits
well enough.
Packaging: It’s almost
a window box, except there’s a blister inside. Like the dart gun,
this was so hard to open I wasn’t sure all of the parts would
survive. The graphics are nice enough, though.
Overall: For one American
dollar this is a damn fine toy. When I combed my new friend’s hair
only about a third of it came out, so I’m going to consider that a
win.
5
out of 5
-Phantom
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