Thursday, May 17, 2012

Toy Review – Masters of the Universe Classics Orko By Mattel

Every time I mention how much I loathe Orko I get all kinds of negative comments from people. I imagine that these people are the same sort of deranged freaks who enjoy Glee, Michael Buble, and the waiting room at the Immediate Care Physician.

I cannot fucking stand Orko and I will never apologize for that. I don’t care how hard Mattel tries to make him not suck. His new bio claims that his people – the Trollans, which is a stupid name for a stupid bunch of creatures – forged the Sword of He. It also claims that Orko isn’t really a fucking idiot, but the fact that Eternia has different magic from his own realm that causes him to screw up everything he does.

I don’t care about any of that. To me, Orko will forever be the most prominent representation of the most egregious mistake cartoon creators can make – particularly cartoons from the 80’s:


Orko, Snarf, Spike Witwicky, Matt Striker’s son and his stupid robot, Wendy, Marvin, Zan, Jaina, Gleek, Wheelie, the idiot kid from Mr. T and the T-Force (of course, you could probably have eliminated the rest of the T-Force, too), and that little tweeting thing from Silverhawks. Actually, now that I think about it – didn’t Silverhawks, Voltron, and Battle of the Planets all have some kind of mute weirdo? So did Snorks. What’s up with that?

Oh, and all those latter-day Smurfs? Fuck ‘em.

Oddly, the exceptions to this rule come from the She-Ra cartoon, which I have only recently watched. I don’t find Kowl to be particularly irritating and that little rainbow thing you’re supposed to look for throughout the episodes is actually a pretty neat idea – way better than Teela teaching you about sharing or some crap.

But back to Orko. First off, he looks stupid. His dress/scarf/witch hat combo is one of the worst looks to come out of 80’s cartoons. I couldn’t stand even looking at him. But then that stupid, puling voice would emit from the screen; whining about having to work or not getting enough hugs or whatever the fuck his silly-ass problem was that day. I wanted to smash that little fucker every time I saw him. He was so damned useless, and this was on a planet where being a moron would qualify you as significantly above average intelligence.

At this point you might be wondering just why the fuck I even own an Orko.

It’s because my birthday was last Thursday and my friend Evil has a bad sense of humor.
He showed up at the house with the soon-to-be Mrs. Evil last Friday night before we went out for festivities (which were festive, indeed – I’ll get to that later). He was grinning and holding a wrapped package and could clearly hardly wait to hand it over. He kept repeating, “Remember – it’s rude not to display a gift.” I knew whatever it was it wasn’t going to be good, but would probably be hilarious. I was imagining all sorts of bizarre things, up to and including Doctor Who-themed martial aids.

What I got was Orko.

I would have preferred the Doctor Who marital aid.

But it was pretty damn funny and has given me something to talk about on a day where I am not feeling particularly creatively inspired and have four articles I need to write. I immediately took this picture, letting Evil know I thought his present was Number One:

First Glance: Okay, you guys. I try to be a fair toy reviewer regardless of how I might feel about the character. I will treat Orko no differently.

That being the case, the Orko figure appears to be just about perfect.

Sculpt: Obviously Orko is a unique sculpt. His body, head, and scarf are separate pieces. I was surprised and impressed to find out that his head is on a ball joint and not only swivels but moves up and down as well. He has ball joints at his shoulders, swiveling pivots at his elbows, and swivel wrists. All of the joints on my figure move nicely and I have to say I was impressed by the amount of articulation the Four Horsemen packed into this little figure.

The actual sculpt is very well done, as it captures Orko’s cartoonish appearance in a 3-D form that works with the MOTUC line. He almost looks like one of those little mage guys from Final Fantasy rather than a complete fucking loser.

Oops – sorry.

His hat looks good and has an appropriate amount of folds in it. The scarf is a slightly malleable plastic that accommodates his head movement and covers the neck joint effectively. There is a socket under his dress where the clear stand plugs in to make Orko look like he’s floating in the air. The figure fastens securely to the stand and can be posed in many positions on top of the connection point.

Design: Orko’s a pretty easy one. The only real details are the eyes and the ones on mine are centered and bright. The yellow paint is applied well on the black face and the pupils sit right in the middles.

I had to adjust the scarf to make the eyes look right. The scarf is uneven around the top – as it should be – and mine had gotten turned so that one of the higher points was over the left eye. It was easy enough to turn it around, but I was afraid some paint would scuff off somewhere. It didn’t.

The rest of the paint on mine is tight and clean with no bleeding or splotches.

Accessories: Orko comes with his wand, his spellbook, a purple Power Sword, half of a purple Power Sword, Prince Adam, and an extra angry Prince Adam head.

The wand is painted gold and fits perfectly into Orko’s right hand thanks to a grip near the top. The spellbook looks outstanding and – much to my surprise – fits into Orko’s left hand. It took my Quality Control Manager, Lil’ Troublemaker – to figure that one out.

The Power Swords look neat and fit into Adam’s hand. I have no idea which iteration of the sword these are supposed to represent, but it sure is neat. I used to have another half of a Power Sword but I sold it on eBay.

Prince Adam is the standard He-Man figure with a new head and some major paint differences, as well as a new tunic. The coloring matches the Filmation cartoon and the tunic is a soft plastic piece. The only issues I have with this guy are that his tunic doesn’t quite fit right due to his big ol’ barbarian belt and I would have liked his face to be a bit goofier.

Side Note: I vastly prefer it when Prince Adam does not look exactly like He-Man, only in pantyhose and a tunic. I would really like to see a 2002 Prince Adam, but I know that isn’t going to happen.

The extra head is just He-Man. I’m not sure I understand why it’s in here, but it’s an extra accessory, so great.

Packaging: Standard MOTUC packaging, but bigger. I still really like the design and find it to be one of the only packaging styles that has not gotten stale. Something about the look of these toys in the package is just more exciting than other lines.

Obviously, the fact that Adam is packed in the bottom as an accessory is brilliant and hilarious. Well done, Matty.

Overall: I still despise Orko and all of his unnecessary comic-relief ilk, but this is a fine figure. Er, set of figures. I would prefer a smaller Adam, but as far as this one being an update of the vintage version he’s as good as he could get.

5 out of 5

And yes, this little fucker is on my shelf now.

I think I might move Adam to the other side of the shelf because I'm pretty sure Bow wants to fuck him.


  1. I too hate Orko, but apparently not as much as you.

    Adam comes with pink/purple swords because the original Prince Adam figure had a pink power sword (and it was glorious). Similarly, he has the extra He-man head so you can make your classics PA match the vintage figure. I don't understand why you would think any funny business may be going on between Adam and Bow

  2. I completely forgot to talk about Orko. The reason I hated him was because he was just completely useless. Actually, he was worse than useless, he was a detriment to the Masters. I was just telling my wife the other night (although she probably was ignoring me because she doesn't care about any of this stuff) how Thundarr was a far superior show to He-man. One of the reasons is because, unlike Filmation's He-man, Thundarr never had to team-up with or outwit retards. The threats that Thundarr faced were legitimate, and his allies were both capable warriors.

    On the other hand is He-man, who has Orko screwing everything up and all of Skeletor's henchmen who are complete morons.

    1. Totally agree with you about Thundarr. I'm pretty sure the reason it was so much more complex was that it wasn't restricted by a toy license, though. If He-Man hadn't had to depict the same certain characters every episode he could have traveled Eternia fighting entirely new villains every time just like Thundarr, Ookla, and Ariel did.
      Side Note: I'm still kicking myself for not buying those Thundarr toys from Toynami back in the day.
      And yes - Orko sucks. Thundarr had no Orko.