Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Platinum Champ... Um, Empire Wrestling 5/11/2012

Ugh. This is going to be terrible. But whatever.

We went to the PCW Arena for my birthday a couple of weeks ago. This was after what had already been a night of drinking (that’s what happens when you start at 10:30, PCW) and I have no idea what happened. But I do have the pictures I took to try and piece together the events of the night.

The only thing I am sure of is that Kyle Matthews was crowned World Champion of Fine Asses by a committee of female DCW Hooligans.

The Jagged Edge w/Screamin’ Marty Freeman of Empire

This was fun and more competitive than you might think. And I don’t mean to belittle Vandal with that statement. It’s just that Jagged Edge has crushed the fuck out of pretty much everybody and Vandal definitely got his licks in here.

Don’t get me wrong – JE still beat on Vandal like he caught him taping over his old episodes of 227.


Brian Blaze
Marvelous Marko Polo and His Cadre of Assclowns
Please don’t take that to mean I am referring to The Man Who Keeps the Funk Alive Quasi Mandisco as an Assclown. Clearly any adjutant to the Marvelous One must possess nothing short of the utmost class and style. I tried to type in “Valiant Ring Crew”, but bullshitcheck wouldn’t let me.
Hint: Johnny Danger is not winning this match.
Naja and Danger went at it for a while until Polo and Blaze worked their way into the match. I didn’t get a ton of pictures because things are always pretty fast and furious in a PCW 4-way. And also because I was too distracted by Quasi Mandisco constantly sniffing his hand:
I don’t even want to know what was going on before this match.
Naja did a crazy flip over the ropes and took out Blaze, along with Polo and his cadre. Danger was left in the ring to recuperate and it almost looked like he might have an advantage… until Brian Blaze hopped back in and slaughtered him.
YOUR WINNER – Brian Blaze
The matches were like machine gun fire. There was very little talky-talk that Friday night, which is good because everybody in our crew was blitzed to one degree or another.
Next up were DamNation, and as I enthusiastically greeted them, Wild Child Joey Kidman paused and said something in my direction. I didn’t quite catch it, but judging by the look on his face he might have read my recaps and one of the words might have rhymed with “duck”. Sorry, dude. I don’t think you suck or anything – I just haven’t seen anything special yet. And it’s entirely possible it’s there and I’ve missed tons of special. I don’t get to see PCW nearly as much as I’d like to. But until then, well - I'm glad I can count on some time to go and re-beer.
Fred Yehi w/ “Wild Child” Joey Kidman and
Human Hand Grenade” Dany Only of DamNation
Um… Some Big, New Guy
DamNation cut a promo before the match. Fred Yehi wasn’t bad by any means but definitely needs some more mic work. Kidman is actually very good as far as speaking and getting his point across, but the death metal voice is too much. He might as well be talking like Donald Duck for as seriously as I can take that voice. Only is always good on the mic, but kept it short like everybody else that night. Fine by me. Let’s do this.
Big, New Guy reminded me of Jack Swagger. He was solid in the ring, but I really didn’t see enough of him to form an opinion. I must have been trying to watch the match because I didn’t take any pictures. A Yehi match tends to do that to me. I don’t know how long he’s been working, but his work is tight and strong.
Big, New Guy got the pinfalll on Yehi and afterwards Screamin’ Marty Freeman and Miss Rachel came down to ringside to announce that Big, New Guy and whatever regional title he has were now part of Empire. Great.
Correction: Fred Yehi won this match by disqualification. He pointed this out over on Facebook and I appreciate him not using the word "dumbass". My picture led me to believe the big guy - who I now know is Jacob Ashworth - got the win. I personally have no recollection.
Master Jae, Lee Roy, & Mr. Eric w/ Jonathan Malick of Empire
Human Hand Grenade” Dany Only, “Demigod” Mason, & The Witness
I just know everybody beat the shit out of everybody and they all got counted out because of HATRED!
YOUR WINNER - The audience, I guess. I do remember yelling a lot during this one. I must have been having fun.
After the match, the Human Hand Grenade took the PCW Championship belt away from the Disciple to hand it to Mason, but there was definitely an Intense Glance of Significant Meaning before Only let the champ have it back.
Wild Child” Joey Kidman
Tommy Daniels
I took this opportunity to go and get more beer. While out in the PCW Arena lobby I ran into a match-weary Dany Only, who was reviving himself with a cool adult beverage. He said he was driving to Boston after the show and I told him I didn’t know how the fuck he does what he does. Clearly he is completely insane.
Kidman/Daniels was over by the time I got back inside and a man who might or might not have once worn a mask with food on top was cutting a promo on Team All-You-Can-Eat’s Corey. And it was harsh. I’m serious, you guys – I would have been in tears. Corey would have been perfectly justified to jump up and run out of the room. Dude was just being hurtful. Naturally I had to go and take a picture:

And with that ladies and gentlemen,
Your Platinum Championship Wrestling Main Event!
The Washington Bullets
Jon & Trey Williams
Kyle Matthews & Vordell Walker
2-out-of-3 Falls Match
I wish I had video of this match. Although I’d imagine it’s out there. This was a HUGE deal. Not just for the quality of participants but for the somewhat shocking outcome.
Also, every douchebag higher-up in Empire came out to watch this match, presumably to get slime all over the place:
Yes, from left to right that’s the dastardly Screamin’ Marty Freeman, the maniacal Miss Rachel, and the slightly drowsy Jonathan Malick (give the guy a break – it was after midnight by this point!).
Oh, and how could I forget the boisterous, belligerent, bastardly blemish on professional wrestling that is Empire’s progenitor – Jeff G. Bailey. How I loathe him.
But before we get to all of that, let’s hear from The Contras! Tell ‘em, big man!:
The Contras are good in the ring, but their mic work is just fucking ridiculous. It’s not often you get so much genuine laughter at a wrestling event. Even Vordell Walker - a man who I firmly believe would powerbomb Kermit the Frog through a table without the slightest bit of remorse – cracked a smile at the (nickname) promo.
And then it was time to get serious. As is usually the case with a great match, I can’t even begin to do justice to the flow of holds, reversals, throws, and double-team maneuvers that took place in this match. All four men were 100% on point. Things started off with a series of leg holds – each team trying to slow the other down because both sides knew damn well that their opponents could go. And that was the story of the match, I felt. That these were guys that did nothing but kick ass day in and day out and every single one of them wanted to kick the most ass that night. There was very little down time and very little defense.
Daisho hit this slick double-team move early on:
But the Bullets quickly regained control. Daisho hasn’t had a truly competitive match in PCW yet, and has not had to utilize a whole lot of different moves. They went through their arsenal that Friday night, and the Bullets were up to the challenge. More than, as a matter of fact; as the Bullets neatly scored the first fall. And then, out of nowhere, the second fall for the win!
Empire attempted some shenanigans at the end of the match, but to no avail.
YOUR WINNER – The Washington Bullets
I’m not trying to undermine the Bullets when I say this was a huge win for them and even a bit of a surprise. Daisho may not have been a tag team for as long, but Matthews and Walker are two of the best I’ve seen in PCW – or elsewhere, for that matter. Their solo careers were impressive enough, but when they formed a tag team other tag teams quit the business and became accountants. Nobody in their right mind would want to face those two. But the Bullets not only got in the ring and outlasted any of Daisho’s other opponents, they beat them.
After the match, Jon reached out of the ring and grabbed that disreputable little ass-weasel, Screamin’ Marty Freeman, and dragged him into the ring. None of his Empire compatriots lifted a finger as the Bullets and Daisho laid down an absolutely lovely ass-whooping on the mustard-suited miscreant, who had to be carried into the back like a small child:
Okay, guys – I know that one wasn’t great. But give me a break – it was my birthday. I was pretty shitfaced.
If you want some more pictures, feel free to go and check out my Facebook page.

-Phantom (the writing one, not the wrestling one)


  1. I wish I knew how shitfaced you were. you held it together quite well. I am sure, POSITIVE, that i had at least 10 quote-worthy comments since this was my first match. If I knew that you would forget EVERY SINGLE ONE I would have written them down.

    I would like to give my view: first, why isn't there a paramedic on hand? One of those dudes got knocked out and most likely had a concussion and there was absolutely no first aid administered. This is negligence in my eyes.
    Second, 4 font. I really thought his chest tattoo said Hated Vet & Persecuted. How sad. I mean, to fight the really big fight and come back hated? Well, I was certainly surprised when i realized what it really said. I like their intro music. His and the guy with the silly yellow fringe and the unflattering outfit. some of these guys need to learn to dress for their body types.
    The last match was awesome! Purple guns vs the best butt and his friend. This match made it totally worthwhile and i assure you that i will never leave a match early if I go again.
    Muffin top: Was he there?

    Anyway, I guess that recap was acceptable but i feel like you forgot a lot of funny shit. Keep up the good work! Maybe next year we can get you a recorder for my comments.

    1. Well, I certainly wasn't Dragon*Con drunk, but I was pretty sloppy for me. I actually started several sentences about your hilarious commentary, but they all amounted to "Lori said funny things near my head" and just seemed pointless without examples.
      I'll do better next time. And there is no "IF" you go again. It's gonna happen. And you are now contractually obligated to be at DCW this year.

  2. Wait, what does DCW mean? I forgot i signed a contract. I'll need advanced notice for all calendared activities as i know not what to expect.

    1. DCW is the wrestling at Dragon*Con. I hate to admit it, but I'm not sure if it stands for "Dragon Con Wresting" or "Dragon*Con Championship Wrestling". You'll have plenty of notice - don't worry. Still working on the stenographer.